insecurity Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 Hey guys, I was already given a lot to think about on this topic by the big porn thread, but I was looking for some additional feedback on the situation because I love the hell out of this guy and want to think it can be fixed... though I think we might be doomed. I'm 22, F, seeing a 24 M. We have been dating for the better part of 7 years. My boyfriend has a pretty invasive fetish. The big problem is that what he enjoys is extremely physically or emotionally unpleasant for me (or both). It involves physical pain for me, or trying to tell stories about it happening to others. I really try to be accommodating for him, but I find it extremely awkward and a really huge mood kill for me - I want him to have what he likes, but when it's over and done with I am usually about as 'off' as can be and neither of us has the drive or energy left to try and get me started up. He finds this disappointing so he usually tries to leave his fetish out, but over time I've found he is less and less interested in typical sex. I find this really confusing because I always think that the 'normal' sex we have is great, but his drop in libido suggests that it bores him... or else, maybe... Here's the kicker: recently I discovered that he has been watching fetish porn to get his fix. This is not something that largely bugs me except that we have had many problems in the past with him over-indulging and losing interest in me, and I believe that's what's happening... again. This always makes me feel awful, like I'm not attractive enough on my own, and like my best efforts aren't enough. I'm trying to give him everything I have and it's not enough to outdo some cheap videos online... it really hurts my self esteem and leaves me with a crippled libido (feeling unattractive > feeling unsexy > downward spiral from there), which inevitably makes the problem worse. I'm not sure if there's a viable fix for the fact I can't get interested in his fetish, but I really don't want this to end our relationship. What can I do?
Mme. Chaucer Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 I am awfully sorry, but it sounds like you and your bf are seriously sexually incompatible. The thing about fetishes: the person who has one needs to have it accepted and (hopefully) enjoyed by their partner. But a person needs to NOT subjugate their own good feelings about themselves or sexual pleasure in order to accommodate a partner's fetish. His makes you feel bad and you dislike it intensely. I doubt this will change, or that his fetish will go away. You've been together since you were very young. Do you think that maybe you have outgrown this relationship and it might be time to explore life without it?
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