jokingaside Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 Had a few guys seem really keen to progress to the second date (online dating) however very few actually message me to arrange anything. I then just leave things and move on. I have been online dating for a year now and have been on lots of dates. Only about 3% of those dates have been what I would call good first dates where we click, have lots in common, some physical contact. I think I can read guys pretty well now and I know if they are interested. Recent example - met a great guy, we talked for ages, had lots in common, quick kiss, arranged to meet again. So there I am - happily looking forward to the next time and ...nothing! Now I don't tend to initiate contact due to past efforts seeming to put the guy off so I just wait a while and then give up and never hear from them again. I know that if a guy is interested he will contact you regardless so my guessing is that these guys are losing interest. How often does this happen and why?
Andy_K Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 There are two reasons I'd lose interest after 1 date: 1) I don't find the girl attractive enough 2) I want to meet someone else I'm much more interested in. It's highly unlikely that in one date I would get to know a girl well enough to be sure we don't have much in common or aren't compatible, so it would normally not be till 2nd or 3rd date that I lost interest if that was the reason. I don't like to judge people too quickly.
carhill Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 I think back to all of the first dates I've had over the decades, both from internet/phone dating and real life meets and can't think of a one where I 'bailed' after one date. Interaction and interest was sufficient prior to the first date to warrant more 'getting to know' than just one official date. The most common 'time' I 'bailed' was after a month or so and 3 or 4 dates, generally where/when patterns of incompatibility sprung up (I didn't know that word back then) and I would discontinue. Times have changed and perhaps customs have changed as well. I find people to be more transitory in general. Society seems more disconnected. What I'm hearing from you is that the style of the man's interaction isn't matching up with your style. If that shows up after one date, perhaps it's a gift. TBH, in the past I'd often be misled or confused by women's signals of interest, both outside of dating and within the dating realm. I found, generally as a result of having LTR's and being married, to discount such interest in favor of longevity of interest as being a point of significance. IOW, I don't put much stock in what I used to call 'instant intimacy'. Sometimes it just fills a situational need. Sometimes it's just a moment. Sometimes it will go the distance. All potentials are accepted.
Author jokingaside Posted June 16, 2012 Author Posted June 16, 2012 So would you try to refrain from acting interested during the first date? Cos the guys who I liked (there have been 3), who I clicked with and never called back all acted extremely interested during the date, compliments, eye contact, asked loads of questions, touched me on the arm/back etc and either a kiss on the cheeck or lips at the end. As well there was a quick text that evening to suggest the next date to which I agreed but then did they change their mind or was their behaviour on the date not sincere? Very confused...!
carhill Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 My usual style is engaging with a bit of flirtation, which ramps up as I get to know someone. Some men are like myself. Some are direct and sexual. Some are in between. Beyond 'liking' each other, having compatible styles of showing that 'like' is essential to growing the interactions into a potential relationship. For example, I'd likely not make sexual comments about a woman's body on the first or early dates. Some women might take that as a lack of interest. I'm still asking her on dates, so that is my signal of 'like' and 'getting to know'. If she expects something else which I don't provide, we miss. Nothing more than that. Our styles don't match up.
Vintage79 Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 So would you try to refrain from acting interested during the first date? Cos the guys who I liked (there have been 3), who I clicked with and never called back all acted extremely interested during the date, compliments, eye contact, asked loads of questions, touched me on the arm/back etc and either a kiss on the cheeck or lips at the end. As well there was a quick text that evening to suggest the next date to which I agreed but then did they change their mind or was their behaviour on the date not sincere? Very confused...! Acting disinterested is a recipe for failure. Anyhow, I usually give the girl an option for a second date unless the first one was crazy bad. I'd hate to shot someone down just because they were nervous, or something (and I find that they usually change their tone quite substantially over the first few dates, so it's nice to see how they'll evolve. In the same breadth, I can almost always tell who'll say yes/no to a second date. Anyhow, as to your dilemma - if the guy's not calling you/contacting you, it's not a good sign, but if you are really interested, you're doing yourself a diservice by not contacting him at least one more time. Just tell him you'll be in his neighborhood, and see if he wants to grab a drink/coffee, or something similar. Make it casual...don't be shy, the worst thing that will happen is he won't respond, and you're answer will be that much clearer. I always feel bad when women put themselves in the submissive role and then complain when things don't go like they want them to...being a bit proactive can go a long way.
musemaj11 Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 Just like any shopper, men want the best they can get for their money. Women are expensive. So if I have to make a long term financial investment then Im going to pick whom I feel is the biggest bang for my buck.
FitChick Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 I don't think men or women are any different in deciding whether or not they want to date someone.
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 One interesting thing I found is that after the first date, I always knew which guy will ask me out again.
tivoconga Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 Similarly, I always which women will say yes to a second date - reading chemistry is pretty darn easy if you're meeting in the flesh...
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