EDR88 Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 (edited) Hi, this is my first post. I've never posted on a forum like this before, but then i'v never felt this way before. And right now, I have no one I can talk to about it so here I am. I know its a bit long, but I would really appreciate anyone taking the time to read this and give me their thoughts. Me and my girlfriend (Ex since last night) had been going out for 4 and a half years, we are both in our early/mid twenties. Our time together was great and we were very much in Love. We were planning on moving in together and I thought we would eventually get married. I never once doubted her love for me. We're both from London but went to the same university in a different town, where we met and decided to stay after graduating. Long story short, I started another year-long uni course there last year to get another qualification, and a few months into it, she got offered a job in London so moved back and I had to stay here to finish my course. Six months went by and we visited each other once every two weeks or so. I couldn't wait to finish my course and move home to be with her again in London. I'v just had my exams over the past month and so because of that, and a couple other things, we weren't able to see each other for about two months. But I had always planned on moving back to London and am going to in a weeks time. She knew this and so I did not think it would be too much of an issue. A few weeks ago she started acting strangely, like not telling me she loved me or missed me anymore, not calling me as much and generally avoiding talking to me. I confronted her about it and she said she'd been feeling unhappy for a few months now. She said she really wanted to miss me and love me but just wasn't sure if she felt that way anymore and couldn't help it. She wanted space. I suggested we don't contact each other for a week and then talk and see how she felt. We spoke last night and she basically told me that she didn't miss me, she doesn't love me anymore and doesn't feel like its a romantic relationship anymore and wants to be on her own for a while. Its probably worth mentioning as well that she had another long-term boyfriend before me and so has not really been single since she was in her teens. I'm going to meet her in person next week for the first time in 2 months and asked her to please not make a decision until she see's me again because she might feel differently when she does. Everything was perfect until she moved away and I really feel that the distance between us may have caused this, especially the two months of not seeing her at all. I just feel if she could see me again and spend some proper time with me again she would remember how she felt before. I love her so much and can't imagine life without her. I'm absolutely gutted about this but just clinging on to the hope that seeing me next week might make her change her mind. Could the distance and time apart be whats caused this? Might she feel differently when I see her again? I'd really appreciate any thoughts and advice. Thanks. Edited June 16, 2012 by EDR88
Author EDR88 Posted June 16, 2012 Author Posted June 16, 2012 Thank you for your reply, Its not what I wanted to read but I guess I wasn't really expecting anyone to say everythings gonna be ok...was just hoping someone would! Its been such a horrible day...I dont know what to do with myself. I just dont feel like doing anything so iv spent most of the day feeling miserable in bed. I did get out the house and went for a little walk and smoked a load of ciggarettes but im back now with nothing to do but tell my problems to strangers! I read through all the old love letters, little notes and valentines cards she gave me over the years which just made me cry, especially ones that say she will always love me and always be here for me. I reckon you will probably think this is a bad idea but do you think giving them back to her when i see her might remind her of how she once felt? I cant just accept this and give up without trying!
muzik_lvr Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 Thank you for your reply, Its not what I wanted to read but I guess I wasn't really expecting anyone to say everythings gonna be ok...was just hoping someone would! Its been such a horrible day...I dont know what to do with myself. I just dont feel like doing anything so iv spent most of the day feeling miserable in bed. I did get out the house and went for a little walk and smoked a load of ciggarettes but im back now with nothing to do but tell my problems to strangers! I read through all the old love letters, little notes and valentines cards she gave me over the years which just made me cry, especially ones that say she will always love me and always be here for me. I reckon you will probably think this is a bad idea but do you think giving them back to her when i see her might remind her of how she once felt? I cant just accept this and give up without trying! No, I would not recommend giving her any of her old love letters! Honestly, the best thing you can do right now is just what Fluorescent said; listen to her and hear what she has to say, and show her that you really love her by respecting her wishes and desires, and being a strong man for her right now. That will make her really respect you as a man, perhaps something even that she hasn't had recently toward the end of your breakup. Honestly, anything you do to try and persuade and pull her back in toward you will only push her further away. 1
Pod81 Posted June 17, 2012 Posted June 17, 2012 (edited) I was in the SAME EXACT situation as you, and I hate to tell you that a positive outcome is highly, highly unlikely. Just like your situation, she's in her younger 20's, and was transitioning from school to working life. It is also worth mentioning that I was her first serious boyfriend, first love, and the one she lost her virginity to. We had gone out for more than a year and in the last month of dating her, I've noticed that she had been more distant and we haven't been contacting each other as often. I broke up with her since I was angry that I put in a lot more effort than she did. She gave me all those classic G.I.G.S. lines (she doesn't love me as much as she should, she's emotionally checked out, we're missing "something" in our relationship, etc) But she called shortly afterwards and cried to me that she wanted to work things out. So, I decided to take a 5 week break of no contact to let her sort things out. At this time, I thought that maybe this time will let her miss me and realize what an amazing guy I am. In fact, I was fairly confident that she would come back - what a mistake that was! Towards the end of this break, I called her back, and she told me that there were some minor issues with me that she couldn't overlook. These were issues that shouldn't be a deal-breaker for a couple dating more than a year. Honestly, I felt like these were just excuses for her G.I.G.S. to reduce any feeling of self-guilt. I say this because she also mentioned that since finishing school, she wanted to spend this time to "hang out when she wants to hang out, do the things she wants to do, and meet the people she wants to meet." Despite hearing what I didn't want to hear, we ended the conversation without begging, pleading, crying, blaming, or name calling. So what advice would I give you? First, don't expect that positive outcome. Once a girl has committed to G.I.G.S, only the time for maturation can help her overcome this. Don't bet on this taking less than one year. Secondly, try to do everything you can to not think about the situation. Go work out, hang out with friends, pick up some new hobbies, date around casually. Take this time to really re-discover yourself. In other words, learn to love YOURSELF more than you love her. Thirdly, you have to maintain strict NO CONTACT until you see her next week. When you do see her in person, be civil and do not cry, beg, or plead with her. You want her to leave the relationship with a positive image of you and plus, you want to maintain some dignity. After this break-up, you must NOT contact her again. You don't want to be strung along while she's out exploring herself. This isn't fair for you and no one deserves that. Maybe she'll throw some breadcrumbs at you, but let her be. Let her think that you've moved on (so no sad messages on facebook/twitter/etc!). IF (and a huge if at that) let's say by a year or two, she comes crawling back, decide then if you still want her back. If you do, make sure she's past that "exploratory phase" in her life and is stable. Keep in mind, however, that she is in the phase of her life where she will undergo a lot of maturation. The girl you once knew won't be the same in 2 years. Likely, you would have moved on by then and found someone better who won't take you for granted. Of course, this is all a what-if scenario and you cannot bank on her ever possibly coming back. Just like fluorescent said, be prepared for life without her. Fourthly, do NOT blame yourself for the situation. Know that you've done everything you could to be the best boyfriend you could have been. You cannot regret doing or not doing certain things in the past. In almost all G.I.G.S situations, there's nothing you could have done to prevent this. Unfortunately, this is just a natural process for most younger women (and men for that matter) without much life or relationship experience. Most importantly, DO NOT WAIT FOR HER. I know this is extremely difficult considering how much emotion and time you've invested into her, but hang in there! Just know that there are tons and tons of people in the same situation and luckily, we have this LS community to help. =) Edited June 17, 2012 by Pod81 1
Jose11 Posted June 17, 2012 Posted June 17, 2012 As much as I don't like what pod81 says, he is right. Once GIGS hits, there no stopping it. I was in a 8 year relationship when it hit. The last month of it she started distancing herself from me and I knew something was up so I did the same, bracing myself. As much as I did though it still hurt. Best thing is to maintain your dignity and not beg or plead. You have to realize she should be in the relationship because she wants to be. Not because she should be or because she feels like she has to be. Anything else and she'll do this again. And yes she MAY come back, but when and if she does she won't be the same person who left. You have to decide if you want this new person. Sorry sometimes you have to hear the truth.
Author EDR88 Posted June 17, 2012 Author Posted June 17, 2012 Thank you again for your replies. Reading your advice and other threads and stories has really been a massive help. I hate to say it but I know you are all right. I wish there was something that I could do but I guess all I can do is accept it and move on. Although I cant stop thinking that the fact we have barely been able to see each other much over the past 6 months must have something to do with her change in feelings. Surely now that I'm moving back things could be normal again!? I just cant believe she's done this a week before I move back....why couldn't she wait to see how she feels when i actually get back and she can see me properly again?? She cant make this decision when I havent even seen her for nearly two months! I'm sorry to hear about each of your break-ups. This is the hardest thing I have ever been through and I feel your pain. I too have this hope that she might come back to me when she sees that the grass is not greener, but realistically I know there is a good chance this will not happen. I am trying not to cling onto it because if it does not happen I will spend the rest of my life hoping and being disappointed and this gut wrenching pain and confusion will never go away. Its the hardest thing to imagine a life without her though. Or to imagine her with someone else...These thoughts are constantly tormenting me.
Author EDR88 Posted June 17, 2012 Author Posted June 17, 2012 God this is so hard. I just dont know what to do with myself. Iv never felt so alone. She still hasn't called me to arrange a time to meet me tomorrow. I text her a couple hours ago and she said she was out with her sister and would call me later (its nearly 11pm here in England btw)...I cant help but think she's with another guy and its killing me. Its taking everything iv got not to call her to find out. Anyway, again thanks for your advice. I will try my hardest not to make the same mistake I did with my previous girlfriend and go all crazy-psycho-call-a-hundred-times-a-day-stalker on her. I really will try to keep calm and not cry or beg tomorrow. If anyone cares I'l let you know how it goes. I'm expecting the worst.
Stanza Posted June 17, 2012 Posted June 17, 2012 Hey there, I know this sucks, it's happening to me too. Everyone is right that you have to get those emotions under control before you talk to her, you must cancel talking to her if you can't. You have to wait until you aren't angry and don't blame her for this because you will just push her more away. There's loads of videos and stuff on You Tube on handling how to try to get an ex back and on moving on and things like that. Instead of smoking those cigarettes, watch a video and then plan things like going to get fit, stoping smoking - anything that makes you a changed man. You'll be more impressive eventually if you're different when she meets you / talks to you.
Author EDR88 Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 Well if anyone is interested, this is what happened yesterday: We met up and went to a pub to get a drink. For the first hour or so we basically just chatted and caught up as we haven't really spoken much over the last couple weeks. Then into the heavier stuff...She explained that she felt disconnected from the relationship, wanted to prove to her self that she could do things on her own and thought that if she was questioning things now, what would happen if we stayed together and it happened again a few years down the line when things were more serious. There was a few other things as well, but mainly that her feelings had just changed and she couldn't help it. We spoke for another hour n half and I mostly managed to keep calm. There was a couple times when I was talking and began to well up, lips quivering, voice wobbly etc. but always stopped and took a deep breath and I was ok again. There was also a couple times when she said something I disagreed with and I began arguing, but again, I managed to stop myself, and told her that I promised my self I would not get angry. I told her I wish I could change the way she felt, but know I can't, and all I can do is accept it and respect her decision. I'm quite proud of how I handled myself...no crying or begging etc. I have you guys to thank for that. Anyway, as we were leaving she burst into tears and kept hugging me and crying and saying she doesnt know if she's making a huge mistake and doesn't know what to do. Seeing me after two months had brought back a lot of feelings for her. It was her birthday a couple weeks ago and I bought us tickets to go see a show in London at the end of July. As I hadn't seen her since, I gave them to her yesterday and said if she doesn't want to go its fine, I just thought I should give them to her. She said she wanted to go. We left things like this: Were going to take it easy over the next month. We'll still talk, just not every day. Maybe meet once or twice for a drink. We'll go to the show and then see how things are after that. She sent me a long text last night saying that she feels like she's taken on all my worries and upset, that she hadn't felt until now. She was sorry for crying but said its good she did as she needed to. She had a really nice time, despite the circumstances, and is looking forward to the show next month. I really don't know where I stand now, or what to do...thoughts please? These forums really have been a massive help to me so far. Your advice is very much appreciated.
Mack05 Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 This is just to keep you at the end of her string. A fallback just in case things don't work out for her the way she hopes. You are mad to even consider going to this show..seriously..It's just delaying your pain..I would cancel and suggest no more contact going forward...
Jose11 Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 This is awkwardly almost the exact same conversation. Me and my ex had before we broke up. She said the same thing of how she wanted to prove to herself she can make it on her own and it's a good thing this happened now and not later when we were married. She also did the breakdown crying when we were going to leave each other. Saying she doesn't want to make the biggest mistake of her life. We decided to try meeting again in a few weeks to see where we were at that time. We left it open to that we should keep in contact just to see how the other person was doing but not contact each other everyday. Well 3 weeks later she hasn't once tried to contact me. I am not contacting her because she knows how I feel about the relationship, it's her that is second guessing it. I'm sorry but I have to agree with everyone You need to end it and go NC. The longer you wait the longer it's going to take to start recovery. This living in limbo will eventually get to you. Because think about it, what exactly are you working towards? Is she going to prove it to herself she can make it on her own in a month? Maybe in the future she might come back. But she needs to come back on her own. And yes she'll go out there and live life but she won't mourn the loss of the relationship until she has her full. Could take 6 month a year or 2. But when she is done she might realize what she lost and come back. You on the other hand will have mourn this relationship since day one, so you by then will probably not care by the time she comes back. I wish you the best. Know your not alone in feeling terrible and lonely. We all here have had out hearts broken.
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