GIGS Stage 1 (6 month update)

[EmergenC]

So i've been broken up with my ex gf for about 6 months now. The last of any contact was about 4.5 months ago. She dumped me via a text message after almost 4 loving years together. Things got a little rough the last 6 - 8 months, few arguments here and there. I could sense changes in her, new friends. Wanting more and more to party etc and get drunk. And I guess that's what people her age are going to do, last month she turned 21. I am now 30.

 

There was a small degree of complacency creeping into the relationship, we had lived together by the time we broke up for 2 years. More detail on the story can be found under my post history but I thought I would update this for anyone that follows the story.

 

6 months out and I feel a lot better. It still hurts everyday & I still miss her everyday, but the pain becomes less and less. Nowhere near the insane Hell you're cast into for the first month or so.

 

I haven't heard a peep out of her since the start of the year when she text me really about nothing. I had been NIC until that point when I thought maybe she was opening the door. She wasn't, it was all talk of nothing.

 

I found out she had gone into another relationship with a guy we had met a month or so before we broke up. She was seeing him within a few weeks of us breaking up. Despite preaching to friends that this was "for real" & "he makes me so happy". I found out recently they have broken up. So I guess that's another statistic to add to the rebound stereotypes. She was in a LDR with this guy.

 

I don't know if this is relevant, but I kind of half broke NC by peeking at the rebounds Facebook page, he isn't on my friends list so I cant see much. But I did notice about 3 weeks or so before they broke up, he was liking on Facebook, all of the Tv shows and movies etc that we had watched together & I had introduced her to. That actually hurt a tiny bit, because those were my memories and it felt like he was muscling in on them. All irrelevant now I guess.

 

On top of this she also has an entirely new group of friends over the last 6 months and the partying has recommenced in full swing.

 

I guess this girl is the poster child for GIGS/Coming of age whatever you want to call it. Home schooled, missed the whole high school/college phase and now is in the big city living it up.

 

Meanwhile I was left back in the dust, done and discarded. And really that has been the most nagging pain. I was this girls first love/sex/kiss everything. She was so into me for most of our time together until that last half a year or so. And now nothing. That is the pain that has persisted most and I have actually found growing slightly lately. To go from being her best friend, to being each others worlds. To nothing overnight and ended with a text as a final kick in the nuts.

 

I won't break no contact, she knows how I felt, I made that clear when we broke up and again when she peeked into my life with a text a month later. She knows where I am & how to reach me, but I see clearly how much respect she had lost for me towards the end. She was walking over me big time and I loved her enough to let her do it. To ever break NC and attempt to reach out to her would be folly.

 

Well, so far, so stereotyped. The only thing so far that has been off course, has been I have received zero breadcrumbs from her. A nothing text a month after we broke...and a tiny tiny possible breadcrumb when she commented on a mutual friends picture right after I had done on Facebook. She is NOT stupid, and i'm sure she knew the notification would hit my inbox with her name/picture on it. I don't think they entirely count by way of breadcrumbs.

 

So that's my story so far at 6 months out and brought up to date! I'll keep updating as time goes by to see if the rest of the GIGS theories come true.

 

I've been improving my life since the breakup and working on myself as an individual. I've pushed myself on to achieve things that I never achieved when we were together. I'm sure this must have gotten back to her. Strange how motivating breakups can be. I have slipped back a bit lately emotionally and have been hurting recently. Perhaps because for most of May I was sick in bed for the first week and then again the last week. That was horrible, and doing nothing but laying there really sets it spinning in your brain.

[sweetheart5381]

So i've been broken up with my ex gf for about 6 months now. The last of any contact was about 4.5 months ago. She dumped me via a text message after almost 4 loving years together. Things got a little rough the last 6 - 8 months, few arguments here and there. I could sense changes in her, new friends. Wanting more and more to party etc and get drunk. And I guess that's what people her age are going to do, last month she turned 21. I am now 30.

 

There was a small degree of complacency creeping into the relationship, we had lived together by the time we broke up for 2 years. More detail on the story can be found under my post history but I thought I would update this for anyone that follows the story.

 

6 months out and I feel a lot better. It still hurts everyday & I still miss her everyday, but the pain becomes less and less. Nowhere near the insane Hell you're cast into for the first month or so.

 

I haven't heard a peep out of her since the start of the year when she text me really about nothing. I had been NIC until that point when I thought maybe she was opening the door. She wasn't, it was all talk of nothing.

 

I found out she had gone into another relationship with a guy we had met a month or so before we broke up. She was seeing him within a few weeks of us breaking up. Despite preaching to friends that this was "for real" & "he makes me so happy". I found out recently they have broken up. So I guess that's another statistic to add to the rebound stereotypes. She was in a LDR with this guy.

 

I don't know if this is relevant, but I kind of half broke NC by peeking at the rebounds Facebook page, he isn't on my friends list so I cant see much. But I did notice about 3 weeks or so before they broke up, he was liking on Facebook, all of the Tv shows and movies etc that we had watched together & I had introduced her to. That actually hurt a tiny bit, because those were my memories and it felt like he was muscling in on them. All irrelevant now I guess.

 

On top of this she also has an entirely new group of friends over the last 6 months and the partying has recommenced in full swing.

 

I guess this girl is the poster child for GIGS/Coming of age whatever you want to call it. Home schooled, missed the whole high school/college phase and now is in the big city living it up.

 

Meanwhile I was left back in the dust, done and discarded. And really that has been the most nagging pain. I was this girls first love/sex/kiss everything. She was so into me for most of our time together until that last half a year or so. And now nothing. That is the pain that has persisted most and I have actually found growing slightly lately. To go from being her best friend, to being each others worlds. To nothing overnight and ended with a text as a final kick in the nuts.

 

I won't break no contact, she knows how I felt, I made that clear when we broke up and again when she peeked into my life with a text a month later. She knows where I am & how to reach me, but I see clearly how much respect she had lost for me towards the end. She was walking over me big time and I loved her enough to let her do it. To ever break NC and attempt to reach out to her would be folly.

 

Well, so far, so stereotyped. The only thing so far that has been off course, has been I have received zero breadcrumbs from her. A nothing text a month after we broke...and a tiny tiny possible breadcrumb when she commented on a mutual friends picture right after I had done on Facebook. She is NOT stupid, and i'm sure she knew the notification would hit my inbox with her name/picture on it. I don't think they entirely count by way of breadcrumbs.

 

So that's my story so far at 6 months out and brought up to date! I'll keep updating as time goes by to see if the rest of the GIGS theories come true.

 

I've been improving my life since the breakup and working on myself as an individual. I've pushed myself on to achieve things that I never achieved when we were together. I'm sure this must have gotten back to her. Strange how motivating breakups can be. I have slipped back a bit lately emotionally and have been hurting recently. Perhaps because for most of May I was sick in bed for the first week and then again the last week. That was horrible, and doing nothing but laying there really sets it spinning in your brain.

 

I can imagine your pain, OP.

 

I also hate to say it, but 10 yrs is a big age gap at this time in your lives. I mean, while you were maturing into the "adult" part of life, experienced, etc, she was just reaching the age of "experiencing" life as an adult, age-wise. That is quite a gap mentally.

 

I dunno if I would call this GIGS, rather it is a case of not being on the same "page" in life, so to speak.

 

Over time, this levels out in my experience, but don't wait for her to change.... it could be 10 yrs until it does and even then there are no guarantees that it will work.

 

I'm sorry for your pain.

[EmergenC]

I can imagine your pain, OP.

 

I also hate to say it, but 10 yrs is a big age gap at this time in your lives. I mean, while you were maturing into the "adult" part of life, experienced, etc, she was just reaching the age of "experiencing" life as an adult, age-wise. That is quite a gap mentally.

 

I dunno if I would call this GIGS, rather it is a case of not being on the same "page" in life, so to speak.

 

Over time, this levels out in my experience, but don't wait for her to change.... it could be 10 yrs until it does and even then there are no guarantees that it will work.

 

I'm sorry for your pain.

 

Thanks for the response!

 

Honestly until the parties and new friends came into the equation, we were golden. Then it slowly pulled us apart. I tried my best with joining in, but we couldn't find a compromise the last few months. She wouldn't want to come home with me when the bars and clubs were closed. She wanted to party on and go back to new friends houses and stay over.

 

I'm not saying at her age she is odd, or weird for wanting these things. But there has to be some degree of compromise and those last few months we just couldn't find it. It eventually reached no-compromise where it was her way, or the highway. She was, unfortunately the last 6 months or so of the relationship, VERY selfish. Which was a side of her I had never seen before.

 

Of course me being in love, I bent over backwards like a fool. One time she even went out drinking with this guy I had caught her flirting with several times on facebook. She was only meant to be there for an hour to discuss some work related stuff with him and others. She ended up getting drunk, going out to a club with them and staying out the whole night refusing at one point to even tell me where she was.

 

Like I say that was all the last few months slowly building up from about a year back when she made this new circle of "good time" friends.

 

I pulled out her out her small town to the big city and that's how I got re-paid.

 

You may ask why I even want her back ? Because up until this started, for 2.5 - 3 years we had the most purest love i'd ever felt in my life. Maybe like you mention, I should have had my eyes open a little more. But this love was so strong and pure, I honestly felt like nothing could topple us.

 

Seriously, from the time we first met to the when all this began. It almost felt like she had grown backwards. I guess maybe for some that's what happens when you're home schooled/small town/no social circle...eventually you blow out one way or another.

[BDranger]

EmergenC

 

I had a similar experience dude, you feel you did everything right and things were great and then they just change... There really is nothing wrong with what you did. I want to be like you at the 6-month mark. I'm at month 4 now and I still think of her and I have weak days occasionally - no breadcrumbs yet tho.

 

Keep moving forward dude, I heard they try to come back between 6-12 months - in my history that seems fairly true. Not sure about my most recent.

 

Just remember - she MUST come back on broken glass!

[EmergenC]

I feel you believe me. End of month 4 I remember being really hard for some reason, then it genuinely started getting better. I've slipped back a chunk lately through being bid ridden twice this last month!

 

At first I was beating myself up over the handful of times we'd argued. Or situations I felt I could have handled better. But then as I gained perspective I saw compared to my other relationships this had been a breeze. Hardly any crap between us, everything flowed pretty easily. The one time she spoke to me saying why doesn't she feel the butterflies like at the start. I had to bite my tongue & remember it was her first EVERYTHING. I wanted to explain that we were at 3 years by then & relationships evolve emotionally, but I bit my tongue.

 

If she ever comes back, which I try to just push those thoughts away, despite how good things were between us. I don't think it would be for a long time still. She went to a different city so the rebound wasn't even a relationship, they were LD. She's also changed now to another new group of friends. That's all happened relatively recently. I was thinking she perhaps dumped the rebound now to have something else within this new circle of friends. New city, new friends, new everything. It's like she's just starting out on her social explosion phase. She's never really had a wide social group before, thanks to her small town & home schooled upbringing. So the more I see it, if she does float back this way again, it's going to be forever. She's has to get burned a few times & get some life under her belt.

 

I wish you luck my fellow heartbroken! And chin up, from 4 months it started getting easier. First 2 really I found were like Hell.

[Radu]

I hope you get to the 'whatever' phase when it comes to this relationship.

 

Because right now i'm not sure if you will send her away if she comes back to you.

 

Right now she is still setting the tone. This immature 21yr old is still dictating your life like she did in those last 6months. You know why ?

Because the one who cares the least has the most ammount of power in relationships.

You still care about her, she doesn't care about you, you are still chasing her.

You need to get to a place where you don't care about her anymore and that's before she contacts you back [and she will], because otherwise you will lose more yrs of your life with this immature brat, do you want that ?

Keep NC, and casually date [read FWB for a while], to get the poison out of your system.

 

PS: For you :

[EmergenC]

I hope you get to the 'whatever' phase when it comes to this relationship.

 

Because right now i'm not sure if you will send her away if she comes back to you.

 

Right now she is still setting the tone. This immature 21yr old is still dictating your life like she did in those last 6months. You know why ?

Because the one who cares the least has the most ammount of power in relationships.

You still care about her, she doesn't care about you, you are still chasing her.

You need to get to a place where you don't care about her anymore and that's before she contacts you back [and she will], because otherwise you will lose more yrs of your life with this immature brat, do you want that ?

Keep NC, and casually date [read FWB for a while], to get the poison out of your system.

 

PS: For you :

 

Its funny you say that, because I sometimes turn that thought over in my head. That if she contacted me, I'd still fold at this point. And I hate myself for feeling that way. I was talking to a friend a month or so back & I said for everyday she doesn't contact right now, she's doing me & her both a favor. And damn right did I mean it & it's true.

 

I'm not chasing her though, unless you mean still being (unfortunately) emotionally attached.

 

The one time I really hated myself was after the first messy week or 2, I'd managed to stay NC for a good solid month until she then text me about nothing. Like a fool I assumed this was her opening the door. I didn't come on strong, but I did gently let her know how I still felt about her. She just side stepped any of that talk & we batted a few texts back & forth of nothing. Later that month I found out through a mutual friend that she had started seeing the rebound guy a couple of weeks after we broke. That made me so mad, that she had contacted me while she was seeing this other guy. I'd let it be known how I felt & she didn't have the decency to be upfront & say drop it, I'm seeing someone. I was so mad at knowing I'd essentially given her a free ego boost while she's off with another guy.

 

That was about 4 months ago and now she recently (last couple of months) had to leave for a new city. So now she has a whole new city & friends to explore. I honestly feel like I was just discarded. After finding out off my friend about the rebound I went back into strict NC and dropped her from my facebook.

 

And you're right about it feeling like she holds all the power. Going back into NC was the only way I felt I had of standing any ground again with her. It's a horrible feeling.

[Jose11]

Good to hear your doing great after the 6 month mark. I am at getting to the 2 month mark, and although i still feel like crap, i can see myself getting better a bit each day. I hope to get to that 6 month mark with you. So far I haven't tried contacting her, and i am proud of that. she is like yours and has not attempted at all to contact me. But i also hate the fact that even though i say i want to say hell no if she comes back, i know i would fold.

 

Best of luck to you.

[EmergenC]

Good to hear your doing great after the 6 month mark. I am at getting to the 2 month mark, and although i still feel like crap, i can see myself getting better a bit each day. I hope to get to that 6 month mark with you. So far I haven't tried contacting her, and i am proud of that. she is like yours and has not attempted at all to contact me. But i also hate the fact that even though i say i want to say hell no if she comes back, i know i would fold.

 

Best of luck to you.

 

Honestly those first 2 months were horrid. The first 2 weeks were so bad I can barely remember it. It's been buried almost by my mind!

 

I let her know of course how I felt the first week or two, then just left it. As hard as it was. Then there was a brief exchange when she text me a month later. Then I found out about the rebound and that's when I fell off the face of the earth. I was just angry that I gave her the ego boost by letting her know again how I felt.

 

I know when you breakup with someone you owe each other nothing. But my god, when you've had 4 loving years pretty much, just out of respect. Set them free if you know they're holding on. That's just not nice if you ask me.

[Jose11]

Yeah I did the same. The first two weeks I let myself go to hell. Not eating sleeping or doing anything but zoning out. And I also talked to her about two weeks after that and let her know how it affected me. Stupid move.

 

After that I haven't talked to her. I don't know if she found another guy. But I can't be sure. Guess I'll never know too.

[EmergenC]

Yeah I did the same. The first two weeks I let myself go to hell. Not eating sleeping or doing anything but zoning out. And I also talked to her about two weeks after that and let her know how it affected me. Stupid move.

 

After that I haven't talked to her. I don't know if she found another guy. But I can't be sure. Guess I'll never know too.

 

You guys were together a long time, give it some time. Even 2 months is early days, even though it doesn't feel like it.

 

You just gotta live for you right now, let time take care of the rest and be confident that nothing you can say can make her change her mind. It has to come from within and there's nothing you can do to make that happen, only things to make it not happen. You let her know how you feel, let her live her life and live with her choices. You were each others firsts. I was her first in every way.

 

I know I ditched out on my high school girlfriend after 2 years just because I was fed up, a bit bored and wanted to see what was out there. She was my first real relationship. I wanted to party and let my hair down. What do you know, a year or two later now I was in my new life I started to miss her and what we had. It was only by being left alone out there to live with my decisions and choices that I began to appreciate what I had left behind.

 

Every appreciation in life comes from contrast. Without being given that opportunity curiosity would eventually eat us up. The folly of being human!

[Radu]

Yeah, i was referring to the emotional attachement.

 

When i was in your shoes i liked to think of her as like an animal.

Have you ever had a dog or a cat ?

After a while their patterns become predictable, and from being the little bundles of love and hilarity they just get ... dull.

It's so easy to do stuff with them, press buttons.

 

She is just an animal following a programming, that is not self-aware of it.

 

She was sheltered by her family, she is obviously socially retarded.

You came in and opened her mind. You opened it so much that she got a taste for it.

She started detaching from you to get to new experiences [8 months before BU], to protect her ego and stop from feeling bad she started fights with you, you had to take blame for the relationship not working [coward].

She left when she had a sure thing [guy] there setup, but she was looking for this guy a long time ahead.

So you won't convince her to stay, she broke up via text ... breaking up via written words is the lowest form of breaking up [most cowardly].

She sent you a text with some breadcrumbs after a while, but when you called her out on it she backed off. I'll bet you anything that when she sent it, she was having some form of trouble in her life.

She moves to a new city to a new circle of friends.

 

See the pattern ?

It's as predictable as Pavlov's dogs getting excited over food.

This girl did you a favor, you do not want to spend your life with such a passive-agressive b*tch who runs away from her issues.

She will continue to do this, and at some point she will come back to you as the safe guy.

I hope you have the common sense to send her on her way or to just pump and dump her.

 

---

You need to get over her pronto.

You have 2 options :

- add negative things to your mental image of her.

Close your eyes, calm yourself down untill you can listen to the background noise; i like to picture a black piece of paper that has no shade or any other colour and concentrate on how it 'feels'.

Picture her in front of you. Make her bigger.

Now add things to her like 'she has HIV', 'she screws guys bareback in clubs toilets', 'she blows a guy in a parking lot half-drunk'. Things that would make you feel less attracted to her. Picture them and do this exercise several times a day.

i actually started doing this when i needed to motivate myself for studying

- go out and find yourself a rebound girl, your ex is about 1yr ahead of you in this aspect.

Just casual relationships, have sex, and do the above exercise, you'll be over her pretty fast. The only emotion you will be left with is hatred [not towards her] for the wasted time.

[wilsonx]

I disagree with painting someone black, calling them things

 

The idea of painting someone black and labeling them negative is the same idea that they did to you. What happens? After time, you continue to think about all those negative things and relive the breakup over and over again. You never truly let go. You now have a wall of resentment and I have seen people that have held on to this wall for 30+ years. They continuously relive that breakup over and over and over again by painting someone black. They are never honest with themselves.

 

GIGS is a process in life, you accept it and deal with it. Its not negative, it really is just bad timing.

[Radu]

I disagree with painting someone black, calling them things

 

The idea of painting someone black and labeling them negative is the same idea that they did to you. What happens? After time, you continue to think about all those negative things and relive the breakup over and over again. You never truly let go. You now have a wall of resentment and I have seen people that have held on to this wall for 30+ years. They continuously relive that breakup over and over and over again by painting someone black. They are never honest with themselves.

 

GIGS is a process in life, you accept it and deal with it. Its not negative, it really is just bad timing.

 

I see now how not reframing your thought patterns when it comes to the person who hurt you and who's residual memory is still hurting you is a bad thing.

OP, totally don't do it, think of all that is Politically Correct and right ... just don't do it.

 

PS: Just because you can do something like this to reach a state where you don't feel anything for that person [the whatever phase you missed in my first reply to the OP], doesn't mean you should go on and reach a state where you are filled with psychotic hatred.

Like with any tool, it depends on how it's used.

[EmergenC]

Yeah, i was referring to the emotional attachement.

 

When i was in your shoes i liked to think of her as like an animal.

Have you ever had a dog or a cat ?

After a while their patterns become predictable, and from being the little bundles of love and hilarity they just get ... dull.

It's so easy to do stuff with them, press buttons.

 

She is just an animal following a programming, that is not self-aware of it.

 

She was sheltered by her family, she is obviously socially retarded.

You came in and opened her mind. You opened it so much that she got a taste for it.

She started detaching from you to get to new experiences [8 months before BU], to protect her ego and stop from feeling bad she started fights with you, you had to take blame for the relationship not working [coward].

She left when she had a sure thing [guy] there setup, but she was looking for this guy a long time ahead.

So you won't convince her to stay, she broke up via text ... breaking up via written words is the lowest form of breaking up [most cowardly].

She sent you a text with some breadcrumbs after a while, but when you called her out on it she backed off. I'll bet you anything that when she sent it, she was having some form of trouble in her life.

She moves to a new city to a new circle of friends.

 

See the pattern ?

It's as predictable as Pavlov's dogs getting excited over food.

This girl did you a favor, you do not want to spend your life with such a passive-agressive b*tch who runs away from her issues.

She will continue to do this, and at some point she will come back to you as the safe guy.

I hope you have the common sense to send her on her way or to just pump and dump her.

 

---

You need to get over her pronto.

You have 2 options :

- add negative things to your mental image of her.

Close your eyes, calm yourself down untill you can listen to the background noise; i like to picture a black piece of paper that has no shade or any other colour and concentrate on how it 'feels'.

Picture her in front of you. Make her bigger.

Now add things to her like 'she has HIV', 'she screws guys bareback in clubs toilets', 'she blows a guy in a parking lot half-drunk'. Things that would make you feel less attracted to her. Picture them and do this exercise several times a day.

i actually started doing this when i needed to motivate myself for studying

- go out and find yourself a rebound girl, your ex is about 1yr ahead of you in this aspect.

Just casual relationships, have sex, and do the above exercise, you'll be over her pretty fast. The only emotion you will be left with is hatred [not towards her] for the wasted time.

 

That was a real eye opener, thanks for that!

 

A lot of what you wrote really hit home, wow. There were some heavy home truths in there. And you're definitely right that as she distanced herself from me and started priorotising friends over me, I could feel now in retrospect she was prepping a new place to stay etc. Looking for that soft landing I guess.

 

I remember one time a mutual friend of ours did something really disrespectful behind my back. I always thought, without even having to mention it, you have your partners back. But no. A few days later I found her talking with him, helping him out with some work stuff he needed a hand with. I didn't say anything, but there was a part of me that felt really stung and almost betrayed by that. Like "oh thanks, I've just had a huge fallout with this person over something THEY have done. And here you are just chatting on like nothing happened".

 

An interesting thing you mentioned too was about the picking fights. Now our sex life was great from day one all the way through until the end. But there was a patch in the second year where we had a but of a lull. I was having a rough time and found myself distancing from her just a little emotionally which spread into the sex side. When we came out the other side of this (just a few months) she admitted to me that she would pick little fights with me or wind me up to get attention because she was frustrated and didn't know how else to get my affection & enjoyed the makeup sex.

 

Now I don't know if this was what was happening towards the end, but certainly I could feel that she just wasn't trying, wasn't giving a crap about how her actions were affecting me. So perhaps she was quite happy to have the arguments to justify things in her head.

 

Also over the first 2 weeks of the breakup I noticed in retrospect, everything that was said, any initiated conversation were all about her & her needs. 100% selfish dialog & actions.

 

And you're right, when she broke nc after that first month it was to do with her. The moment I gently tried to talk about my feelings it was sidestepped. That's when I knew, this is pointless & dropped straight back into NC. Shortly after I found out about the rebound guy she had been seeing since the breakup and that made me angry that I was laying down my emotions & signs of love, but she didn't have the decency to cut me loose & be upfront.

 

I don't mean to demonize her, because my goodness when things were great for the first 3 years or so it was head and shoulders my best most true loving relationship. Just as it came to its close it went sour. Admittedly, the relationship did need some tlc from both ends. I could have been trying more and elements of complacency had crept in. But I didn't think we were anywhere near a breakup. I think we were at a stage where a nice little holiday for a couple of weeks away from one another would have just dusted things off and given us some perspective on where to improve. That's why I was totally blindsided. It was easily my best relationship by a mile. Whether it was her classic GIGS/coming of age/finally having a social circle and her mind blown open at the possibilities. That's all I can think. Because we had it all to play for. I guess also at that age & with your first partner. You're not perhaps looking for the one, no matter how great the times are you two share. Heck I know I ditched out my high school girlfriend of 2 years for no reason. Just boredom and wanting to see what was out there, go to parties and mess around. I honestly missed her after a year or two but there was no easy way to get in touch and no Facebook either so that was that.

 

It's funny because, I've done my share of dumping and being dumped. And unfortunately dated some nasty pieces of work. Yet our relationship was the most loving by a million miles. Yet I've never had such a harsh cold almost cruel breakup. Go figure!

 

Whether she does come back and follow the pavlovs dog theory we shall see, I really don't know. We were of course, very very deeply attached emotionally. And i have taken her on some amazing adventures and experiences. But she seemed to move on pretty fast to her new best friends when she met them as I became shifted onto the back burner, so I'm not sure how much sway that holds. She's also very highly attractive so has guys buzzing round her like crazy, replacing me in that sense won't be a problem either. I'm almost guessing she must have dumped the rebound now she's in a new city to go pursue others closer to home.

 

She has never really been burned in life either like you say. Social circles are new to her now, she's never had to deal with the drama and bullcrap most of us go thought to realize you have a handful at best, of close reliable friends. She's not had to deal with fellow female bitchiness & jealousy. Not had to deal with cheating or abusive boyfriends. She's a social butterfly right now. But I guess before this, we were indeed each others worlds for all those years, & experienced so much and so many wonderful things together. I was her rock for a long long time, it just seems to easy for her to make new ones so fast. Maybe it's an act and your "beast going through a behavioral process" theory will one day come true!

 

To add to what you and Wilson both said. I have been trying to focus just lately on negative traits of hers. I don't think I could ever totally reach a point of hatred. I'm not built that way emotionally so reaching a point of despising her isn't a worry. And I totally see both of your guys points of view. I definitely do need to put in more work to detach emotionally because I can feel in a way my healing has plateaued.

 

Again, thanks for the post, truly insightful reading.

[Radu]

The demonizing part. I advocated it as a way to speed your transition to a point where you don't care about her anymore, where you don't have any feelings.

I DO NOT advocate going over that limit, and it will be tricky to get there.

Have you ever seen a pendulum in a grandfather clock ?

It has the neutral central position, you are atm heading that way, i advocated the demonizing as a way to give yourself a kick in the ass towards that position.

 

The Pavlov dog thing, i meant by that that she follows a predictable pattern.

When i realised this, in a way it demistified my ex of that time.

It removed the soap-box i had placed her in my mind on.

And this is the problem.

When ppl decide to breakup with their partners, they do have an advantage if they are the type to separate slowly over time and move on only when they are secure about where they are going and what they are doing.

It leaves us, the dumpees in a bad place because in our minds we still see them on this pedestal, we haven't yet made the decision to move on and in a way this is a very selfish thing the dumpers do [and for the record i did it too], because they sacrifice their partner for their good while the partner still sees them as a partner and not some stranger.

 

You said that you never experienced something as cruel as this.

Do you know the saying, there is nothing as cruel as a child ?

The child who with his innocence does something that tears your heart out ?

In the way of relationships, she is a child.

[EmergenC]

The demonizing part. I advocated it as a way to speed your transition to a point where you don't care about her anymore, where you don't have any feelings.

I DO NOT advocate going over that limit, and it will be tricky to get there.

Have you ever seen a pendulum in a grandfather clock ?

It has the neutral central position, you are atm heading that way, i advocated the demonizing as a way to give yourself a kick in the ass towards that position.

 

The Pavlov dog thing, i meant by that that she follows a predictable pattern.

When i realised this, in a way it demistified my ex of that time.

It removed the soap-box i had placed her in my mind on.

And this is the problem.

When ppl decide to breakup with their partners, they do have an advantage if they are the type to separate slowly over time and move on only when they are secure about where they are going and what they are doing.

It leaves us, the dumpees in a bad place because in our minds we still see them on this pedestal, we haven't yet made the decision to move on and in a way this is a very selfish thing the dumpers do [and for the record i did it too], because they sacrifice their partner for their good while the partner still sees them as a partner and not some stranger.

 

You said that you never experienced something as cruel as this.

Do you know the saying, there is nothing as cruel as a child ?

The child who with his innocence does something that tears your heart out ?

In the way of relationships, she is a child.

 

I've not heard that expression before, that is indeed a great one and does ring true! I guess when you look at it like that, it does make more sense. Perhaps that why you often hear of exes calling up years down the line to apologize for the past. She does have a very black and white attitude towards things, she's very very kind but the more I look, I see she lacks compassion almost entirely. And if I think about my own growing up, compassion was one of the last things to develop in my early 20's. Right around the time I lost the "I'm right, everyone else is wrong" attitude from my teens.

 

I definitely do need to kick myself forwards more thinking about the pendulum theory. I honestly would like her back someday, if you take the crappy arguments over the partying out of the equation, we shared all the same attitudes and outlooks. Same hobbies and interests. It was just plain easy and almost effortless to get along. But I do see if she reached out now, as much as I doubt it while this new city/friends etc are so fresh, I would more than likely crumble. And even if I don't want to admit it to myself just yet, now just isn't our time. Couple of years maybe, but right now she's embarking finally on finding herself as an individual while hitting the "college phase" of partying and all that.

 

Hopefully until my heads in a better place, she won't reach out as you suspect she might do in your first post. It's even hard to type that, because I want it and don't at the same time. It shows where my heads at!

 

I started this thread really just to update my story, but it's been a great help. I've not really talked it out in a while, where my head and healing are at. As the first couple of months passed and the panic subsided I just dropped into a monotony of letting each day come and go, assuming time will do its thing. But this thread has helped me to see I have but more pro-active work to do to get over the next hump and further through the healing process!

 

You know what's funny, last night I got a text message that woke me up from one of my friends who has the same area code as my ex now has. She had a new number so no name showed up just a number, and the text just said "why aren't you talking to me?". I thought it was my ex at first!!

 

My heart was pounding and I immediately thought about your first post, took me a moment to realize my friend messaged me before the weekend and I forgot to call her back when I said I would! Yikes!

[EmergenC]

Ughh just felt the twist of a knife.

 

Some people are unbelievably stupid. One of my good friends just text me who I haven't heard from in a while to tell me that she has indeed dumped the rebound for a completely new guy now shes in the new city.

 

Well, I guess that validates the "dating round stage" of GIGS. Man, that really hurts to hear that, I wish they hadn't told me.

 

So after 4 years, she's carved me out entirely like i'm just dust straight into a rebound. Moved cities and now dropped the rebound straight for another guy.

[thatone]

so doing the math, you were with a home schooled girl since you were 26/27 and she was 16/17?

 

hate to be the one to say it, but you're getting what you deserved.

 

i can guess at the stereotypical issues that led to this relationship in the first place, none of them good. and my knee jerk reaction is to be happy for her, if she has truly escaped parents that would home school a child all the way through high school.

 

she probably has a decade of issues to work through at minimum, of which you are the least.

Edited June 18, 2012 by thatone

[EmergenC]

so doing the math, you were with a home schooled girl since you were 26/27 and she was 16/17?

 

hate to be the one to say it, but you're getting what you deserved.

 

i can guess at the stereotypical issues that led to this relationship in the first place, none of them good. and my knee jerk reaction is to be happy for her, if she has truly escaped parents that would home school a child all the way through high school.

 

she probably has a decade of issues to work through at minimum, of which you are the least.

 

Getting what I deserve ? That almost sounds like you're implying I did something unjust and deserve punishment ? I don't see I did anything wrong, I just fell in love.

 

Her family are actually very loving, and she has no issue with her parents. I'm not going to get too judgemental about the whole home schooling thing. But it did become clear that she was incredibly mature for her age in some areas, but painfully socially naive.

[thatone]

Getting what I deserve ? That almost sounds like you're implying I did something unjust and deserve punishment ? I don't see I did anything wrong, I just fell in love.

 

Her family are actually very loving, and she has no issue with her parents. I'm not going to get too judgemental about the whole home schooling thing. But it did become clear that she was incredibly mature for her age in some areas, but painfully socially naive.

 

which is what will happen to someone who is home schooled. her parents robbed her of a normal childhood.

 

and you haven't explained in this thread at least, how it is you came to be 26 or 27 and living with a 16 or 17 year old.

[EmergenC]

which is what will happen to someone who is home schooled. her parents robbed her of a normal childhood.

 

and you haven't explained in this thread at least, how it is you came to be 26 or 27 and living with a 16 or 17 year old.

 

We were living together the last two years, not from the start, she was just turning 19 at the time.

 

The age discussion never came up for a month or two, we each assumed the other was older/younger.

 

"Normal" is a bit of an objective term though don't you think ? She has several older siblings, all home schooled, and they've both go on to achieve great things. They're very intelligent and seem stable enough. I think maybe you're picturing some kind of insular Amish type scenario ? It really wasn't like that for them. I think her issues stem more from her personality, since her siblings both went through the same mill.

 

I can see for sure the home schooling affected her on a social level, certainly. But then other traits she had, her objectivity for example, were way ahead of friends she made her age.

 

Anyway, i'm not going to derail my own thread by drifting too far off topic, but I guess in life I see things as "different", rather than "normal and not normal". That line of thinking is a little black and white for my tastes!

[flitzanu]

i'm curious why you're attached to this GIGS concept after 6 months, and not just saying she left you because she chose to leave you, and obviously isn't looking back.

 

is trying to rationalize this as "gigs" making any difference about her leaving?

[EmergenC]

i'm curious why you're attached to this GIGS concept after 6 months, and not just saying she left you because she chose to leave you, and obviously isn't looking back.

 

is trying to rationalize this as "gigs" making any difference about her leaving?

 

To be honest, it was purely because this was the first time in a while that I unfortunately caught wind of some news so to speak. So I thought I'd update for a mixture of my own catharsis, just to see those words & thoughts on a page & off my chest. And then for the benefit of any others that follow stories through to their conclusions.

 

I noticed a lot of times people mentioning that posters hang around for a couple of months then vanish. Through my time using the website, it's been great therapy clicking people's profiles and following their stories regardless of the conclusion. So I'm just paying that concept forward & updating with what little news there is after this time.

 

The best therapy I've found so far has just been getting on with things. Staying busy & honestly at this point, staying off the website because sometimes I find it holds you in a thought pattern & keeps your mind tied to closely to things. Almost like if I chose to carry around a keepsake or memento of them in my pocket still.

 

But then I'm glad I posted, because some replies were really constructive, especially from Radu, & really gave me some food for thought.