Really don't want to screw up this meeting with my first love that dumped me.

June 12, 2012

So a few weeks back I posted a thread about the love of my life breaking up with me. Long story short: she's just moved to New York, I've been planning to move there so I can get a new job (I hate my current gig), and also to be with her. I got overcommitted and needy and put too much of my reason for moving on her, she got turned off that I was becoming so apparently needy, and broke up with me. I was totally totally heartbroken. I felt very strongly this girl was one I wanted to marry. I was just moving a little faster than she was.

I've moved on a bit, gone on a couple dates and realized there are other fish in the sea -- but I still think I want to marry this one if I'm being honest. She's actually an amazing person, and I've actually ****ed this up.

You guys were very helpful. I ended up deciding not to meet with her, going No Contact -- but I told her I'd probably like to talk sometime in the future.

Well, the future is now -- we're long distance, she's in town this weekend for work, and she gave me a call the other day. After some fun small talk, catching up for 10 minutes, she said that the reason she called was to see if we could find time this weekend to have the "mature breakup discussion" that has been pending since she broke things off with me. "So that you can move on."

She also wanted to see whether it would be awkward for me if she set up some time to hang out with our mutual friend group.

I was excited to hear this second question as I just invited these friends (and a bunch of others) to a street festival this Friday night. There'll be like 20 of my friends there. I told her it would be a fun time, and now she's coming to hang out with us. That won't be awkward at allllll.... right?

Well, I'm hoping it won't be. I have used the breakup time to work on myself and I'm in a way better place than I have been -- I feel confident, fun, happy, centered, secure in myself. (As evidenced by the fact that I invited 25 people out to drink.) So my plan for Friday night is to just be an attractive, fun guy -- to simply be normal, and to rebuild attraction with her through teasing/flirting, push/pull my attention from her, and then give her a nice hug goodnight.

But then, Saturday, we made plans to hang out, just the two of us, and have our "talk," which sounds really ominous. I'm torn between wanting to just have a fun, happy-go-lucky pseudo-date that would remind her why she fell in love with me, on one hand.... and wanting to say so much about how I've been feeling, on the other. I've told her that I have "a few things to say to her" -- and what I want to say is, basically, that she should take me back and that I'll be better. That I'm not a needy ****bag and just got scared about the finances of moving to New York and tried to put too much on her. I also wouldn't mind recapping some of the **** that led to our relationship's demise, if I'm honest. :/

This was one of those breakups where she never gave me a chance to fix anything because she is framing it as being about a loss of attraction. So I know I need to spend some time on this "date" rebuilding attraction to have any chance at getting her back.

But I'm torn. Since we're now long distance (I'm still considering/trying to move to New York on my own), there's a pretty good chance that after this date we could easily go at least a few months without talking or seeing each other, and it'll be easy to fall out of touch. I'm worried if that happens I'll lose her completely. So I think I need to keep the lines of communication open somehow? And if that's the case, I don't want to do that as "just friends," do I? Isn't that weak and unattractive?

So I'm not sure what to do or say on this date. I said I needed to buy a shirt so we're going shopping first. I plan to have that be fun and silly. She suggested maybe going to a coffee shop or a park to talk afterward. But I don't have any idea what I should say or how I should act to get her back.

Should I totally let bygones be bygones, ignore my desire to talk things through, and just try to flirt and "date" my way forward? Do I need to say some of these things that I've felt, at least for the sake of closure, if nothing else? Should I say I want to be friends even though I want her to be mine and forever mine? I couldn't handle her being with anyone else.

What I want to do is be totally contrite, because that's how I feel. I'd say something like: "Look, we both put too much pressure on each other in this relationship....... but I'm willing to admit I screwed up x y and z, I put too much of my own self esteem on you, and I'm willing to fix that stuff. I already have become more confident and focused and am happy about where I am and where I'm going. I think we should give this one more shot, start slow, and rebuild things the way they used to be. If we had moved to New York together, our attraction would have rebuilt itself naturally with new fun experiences and friends. I still see a future for us, and if you don't see it, then I'm afraid we just can't be in touch because you've hurt me too much."

But is that just as needy as I was being to turn her off? If I go NC, isn't there a strong chance she'll just move on without me in this situation, since she's moving to a new city? I can't abide that. I'm really utterly confused.

Edited June 13, 2012 by alxnrwd

June 13, 2012

I feel the initiative has to come from her end. She dumped you, she stopped loving you, so she has to want to love you back. The friday night plan sounds great. Be the confident 'new' guy you are and just enjoy the night with your friends and her.

And then for the talk. I would admit to screwing things up. Let her see you've changed. And that in a next relationship you'll fix those issues you have. I wouldn't say 'let's give this one more shot' because that is exactly the behavior she dumped you for in the first place. Going after her after seeing her just 2 times since you broke up. The farthest I would go is maybe saying you would like to see her a bit more often. But don't talk about a future relationship. Let your words show how much you've grown and became a confident man and let your actions (the flirty stuff) leave her wondering if there maybe still is more. Spark her interest. Imo it's the only way she will be able to fall for you again.

And if all this doesn't pan out. Remember all the progress you've made and that you will be fine with or without her.

Good luck mate!

June 13, 2012

DUDE!!!! What are you doing? This isn't a date! She wants to have a "mature BREAKUP talk" Nothing in there screams at me that she wants to work things out at all. What it's telling my gut is that she wants you in the friend zone in a bad way. Hell, she already dumped you, what the hell more is there to talk about? She's probably feeling guilty about dumping you and if you give her the time she wants to hang and be "buddy, buddy friend zone" crap, she can go back to New York with her guilt eased and telling herself " Well, we broke up and we're still really good friend! I guess the break up was for the best after all!"

Look, you're going to do what you want and I know my posts are really never "try this and that to get her back!" But, I'm just trying to look out for you and I don't see this going the way that you hope or planned. Sorry.

June 13, 2012

I feel the initiative has to come from her end. She dumped you, she stopped loving you, so she has to want to love you back. The friday night plan sounds great. Be the confident 'new' guy you are and just enjoy the night with your friends and her.
And then for the talk. I would admit to screwing things up. Let her see you've changed. And that in a next relationship you'll fix those issues you have. I wouldn't say 'let's give this one more shot' because that is exactly the behavior she dumped you for in the first place. Going after her after seeing her just 2 times since you broke up. The farthest I would go is maybe saying you would like to see her a bit more often. But don't talk about a future relationship. Let your words show how much you've grown and became a confident man and let your actions (the flirty stuff) leave her wondering if there maybe still is more. Spark her interest. Imo it's the only way she will be able to fall for you again.

And if all this doesn't pan out. Remember all the progress you've made and that you will be fine with or without her.

Good luck mate!

I think this makes sense. But it is going to be really difficult for me not to start asking for more than just "seeing her more often"!

I guess I shouldn't worry about other guys. If her and I do see each other and do talk, I don't think other guys will be a problem.

June 13, 2012

DUDE!!!! What are you doing? This isn't a date! She wants to have a "mature BREAKUP talk" Nothing in there screams at me that she wants to work things out at all. What it's telling my gut is that she wants you in the friend zone in a bad way. Hell, she already dumped you, what the hell more is there to talk about? She's probably feeling guilty about dumping you and if you give her the time she wants to hang and be "buddy, buddy friend zone" crap, she can go back to New York with her guilt eased and telling herself " Well, we broke up and we're still really good friend! I guess the break up was for the best after all!"

Look, you're going to do what you want and I know my posts are really never "try this and that to get her back!" But, I'm just trying to look out for you and I don't see this going the way that you hope or planned. Sorry.

You're right, of course. Which is why I don't want to be buddy-buddy. But you haven't offered any constructive advice here.

June 13, 2012

I don't think you should meet her. The fact that you are going in with some thoughts of rekindling means you are not over her. I am like you and have been rebuilidng myself since my breakup, and I feel like I am in a much better place than before. But the other day I saw my ex drive by and i felt right back to how i felt in wanting to get back with her. until you can you meet her with no intentions of trying to reconcile, i say avoid it. you'll only be left with dissappointment.

June 13, 2012

You're right, of course. Which is why I don't want to be buddy-buddy. But you haven't offered any constructive advice here.

Okay, what do you want to hear then? That everything will go as planned and she will fold upon seeing you and will want you back in a deseperate way? I can't tell you what's going to happen, but I don't have a good feeling about this meet up. I think it's going to set you back.

If you want advice, then I agree with Jose. I don't think it would be wise to meet up with her. Of course, this is just an advice forum and you're going to do what you want. Hey, if I'm wrong and this ends up being the moment that brings you two back together, then I will be one of the first to say congrats and owe you an apology. But, I think she just wants to get you into the friend zone. And if this is the case, then I think you can spend your time differently rather than spending it opening up old wounds. And not to be rude but, I have been offering up advice to you.......just not the advice you want to hear.

June 13, 2012

I agree with Chi_TownD. It's not that we are trying to bring you down and make you feel bad. But you have to have your expectations aligned with reality. This is just advice people are willing to give, and it may not be what you want to hear, but its advice no the less.

There's no closure to get that'll help. It wasn't working out for her and she made a conscious decision to leave. end of story.

But hey, if you do go through with it and things work out. Best of luck to you both. I'd gladly admit i was wrong and wish you nothing but the best.

June 13, 2012

Okay, what do you want to hear then? That everything will go as planned and she will fold upon seeing you and will want you back in a deseperate way? I can't tell you what's going to happen, but I don't have a good feeling about this meet up. I think it's going to set you back.

If you want advice, then I agree with Jose. I don't think it would be wise to meet up with her. Of course, this is just an advice forum and you're going to do what you want. Hey, if I'm wrong and this ends up being the moment that brings you two back together, then I will be one of the first to say congrats and owe you an apology. But, I think she just wants to get you into the friend zone. And if this is the case, then I think you can spend your time differently rather than spending it opening up old wounds. And not to be rude but, I have been offering up advice to you.......just not the advice you want to hear.

I know she wants to get me into the friend zone. Basically I can't decide if that's a good idea. A large issue in our breakup is that I asked for more than she was willing to give sexually. After MUCH thought, I agree with her -- I was being immature and too demanding. She's right. I wouldn't do that again.

So: will being willing to be friends with her show that I'm more than just a horny bastard? Will it allow me to stay in touch with her, and allow the potential for us to grow closer together, even as I focus on myself? Remember, I'm this girl's only bf. She isn't exactly the type to go clubbing and sleep with 3 people. She'll wait until she's "in love" again. Until that happens I have to think I have a shot here.

I'd like to hear why you think going NC is a better strategy than even trying to see her this weekend. Is it just because you don't think I'll be able to handle my emotions when I see her?

I think I'll be able to handle myself this weekend and project whatever emotion I want. I'm a confident guy. But I just want to know what you guys think is the best strategy here.

Basically, at this point -- we've made our plans to see each other, I think it would be really weak to pull out of them now. I am just trying to figure out what to say / how to act. I can always "go NC" again after this weekend, but if I have to "go NC," I'd like to do that with at least a better idea of what she thinks I need to be working on. The way we left things, I know she's a long way from asking me to take her back... so how do I develop that feeling in her?

The more I think about it, the more I tend to agree with the above poster who said not to come on too strong but just say "Talk to you soon!" or something. I dunno.

June 13, 2012

I agree with Chi_TownD. It's not that we are trying to bring you down and make you feel bad. But you have to have your expectations aligned with reality. This is just advice people are willing to give, and it may not be what you want to hear, but its advice no the less.

There's no closure to get that'll help. It wasn't working out for her and she made a conscious decision to leave. end of story.

But hey, if you do go through with it and things work out. Best of luck to you both. I'd gladly admit i was wrong and wish you nothing but the best.

Isn't there closure that would help?

The issues she's cited for our breakup, even "falling out of love" -- there are real reasons why those things happened and we are both at fault.

To play devil's advocate. What do you imagine happening on Saturday if I say: "Look, you were right. We ****ed up x y and z. I screwed up a, b, and c. This breakup needed to happen for me to realize that, and I'm glad it did. I'll be a better man for it and I've already started improving. (I have started improving, in a big way, and there are things I can tell her to let her know this.) I would like to keep talking and stay in touch and see if there's still anything between us."

What do you think she'll say? If she looks me in the eye and says, "No, I don't want that" -- then, won't I know once and for all this is over? If she says, sure, let's keep talking? Then I get what I want.

I only want closure because the last time we talked was when she broke up with me, on Skype, and she was crying and she said she loved me. That's why I'm sitting over here pining for her...

Edited June 13, 2012 by alxnrwd

June 13, 2012

I'm just saying, if she were to say I fell out of love because x, y,z and you agree that say hey this break up helped me realized it. It's still going to hurt. If you think about it now, there is no outside force that has been keeping her away from you. No one has a gun to her saying to stay away. The only reason you guys are not together now is because she doesn't want to be. Hurts to realize that.

Even if she says hey maybe in the future we can get possibly get together again where does that leave you? Your stuck in limbo. Are you happy and optimistic that you guys have a chance of getting together again in the future? Or are you mad and upset that someone who you make a priority has just made you an option? How long do you wait? Should you date if you meet a great person? It gets to you after a while of thinking about it.

I used to be like that in thinking the only person who can tell me we have no chance of getting back together was her, but everyone told me why cant you? Remember, if she is "the one" you wouldn't be in this situation, she would be right there with you trying to make it work.

this site a just a place for advice, and the best one to remember is hope for the best, but PREPARE for the worst. (remember that second part) But hope everything work out for you though. best of luck

June 14, 2012

I'm just saying, if she were to say I fell out of love because x, y,z and you agree that say hey this break up helped me realized it. It's still going to hurt. If you think about it now, there is no outside force that has been keeping her away from you. No one has a gun to her saying to stay away. The only reason you guys are not together now is because she doesn't want to be. Hurts to realize that.

Even if she says hey maybe in the future we can get possibly get together again where does that leave you? Your stuck in limbo. Are you happy and optimistic that you guys have a chance of getting together again in the future? Or are you mad and upset that someone who you make a priority has just made you an option? How long do you wait? Should you date if you meet a great person? It gets to you after a while of thinking about it.

I used to be like that in thinking the only person who can tell me we have no chance of getting back together was her, but everyone told me why cant you? Remember, if she is "the one" you wouldn't be in this situation, she would be right there with you trying to make it work.

this site a just a place for advice, and the best one to remember is hope for the best, but PREPARE for the worst. (remember that second part) But hope everything work out for you though. best of luck

I don't want to be stuck in limbo either. That actually sounds awful and I probably haven't considered it strongly enough. But is it impossible to develop a situation where we can still talk in a decent and friendly way and enjoy each other while I calmly make clear my intention is to have her as my girlfriend and that I won't wait forever / am not waiting forever?

What you're saying is that this will only work if she has some kind of "Eureka" moment. While this might be true, I am not really one to wait longer than necessary for these things..

June 14, 2012

I'm not trying to sound bad, but hey maybe I am wrong and she does have that Eureka moment when she sees you. Maybe she wants to start off as friends again and grow into something. But just don't put all your eggs in one basket for this meeting.

I was put in that limbo land, and trust me it is not a good place to be. I loved her and hated her at the same time becuase of it. It was a strange feeling. If it is something you can take, then go for it. Some people can live in it. just make sure you can, cause once you are there its hard to come out.

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Really don't want to screw up this meeting with my first love that dumped me.

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