Got dumped by a girl I still think is the love of my life.

[alxnrwd]

Sorry for this wall of text. I'm pretty devastated, as you might imagine. Thanks in advance for any advice or sympathy. This is just me getting my feelings out.

 

I'm 23 and have dated Kelly for 2.5 years now. We first got together our senior year of college, and although we each had a small bit of sexual experience, I took her virginity and this has been both of our first serious relationship.

 

We dated for 8 months before graduation and it was absolutely, absolutely fantastic. Of course, partially because it was the honeymoon period, and partially because we were living easy in college -- but also, we have the same friends, the same values, the same outlook on the world. We have very similar families, similar heritage, very similar politics, very similar views on social interaction. The same huge ambition to make the world a better place. Our sex life was great. In short -- we fell in love, head-over-heels, and we spent lots of time talking about a future together.

 

When we graduated, Kelly decided she wanted to spend a year working abroad for a very well-known international aid organization in Africa. This was her dream job, something she'd been working toward long before we met, and since we were only together 8 months -- she didn't feel ready to say no to this amazing opportunity just so that we could be together. I supported her decision -- she was right, we weren't ready to keep each other from doing anything, although we were deeply in love -- and she went abroad for a year. We decided to stay together.

 

Of course, I was graduating college too, and I got a job making good money, and a really nice apartment in Chicago. I started going out with my 22-year-old friends, who, obviously, wanted to spend a lot of their time drinking beer and hitting on girls. This sent me into a bit of a tailspin -- either I had to deal with the temptation of constantly being around attractive women without ever having sex, or else I would have to cut myself off a bit from my own friends. Initially I tried to choose the former -- but then I couldn't help that there were a few girls that were REALLY into me, which led me to lash out at Kelly for not being around, and to constantly bug her to send me naked photos and videos. I was being immature, and I wasn't really ready to deal with a long-distance relationship.

 

After 6 months and a visit to Africa, I decided the latter was actually the right course -- I really loved Kelly -- so I decided to cut myself off a bit from my friends, and focus on a future with Kelly. During this time I lost 85 pounds (from 280 to 195), matured a hell of a lot, and was really successful at work. I was looking so forward to Kelly coming back -- although Kelly is very ambitious (one of the things I love about her), she had said things like, "I'll come to Chicago and even be a barista to be with you!" and "I'll definitely live in Chicago to be with you!" I knew she had some desire to get a job in her field in New York (where most international nonprofit orgs are based), but given that she'd said these things, I really thought she would just move to Chicago and we would live happily ever after.

 

So, she finished her African tour of duty in August 2011. After a few months at home with her family in the New York area, Kelly came to Chicago and moved in with me while she looked for work. Things were really good! We started to get to know each other again and become close again. I helped her through an intense period where she went off her antidepressant medication. During this time, it became clearer to her that most of the jobs that she wanted were in New York. At the same time, I was feeling quite unhappy with my own job and beginning to consider next steps. Since New York is also a better place for what I want to do, and also closer to my own family, I said: "OK, I'll start looking for work in New York, you keep looking in Chicago and New York, and we'll see what happens."

 

Needless to say -- after a few months, and a few unsuccessful interviews for me (for really awesome positions that were maybe a little bit of a reach) Kelly found a job in New York. One that she was very very excited about. I was incredibly happy for her, although a bit discouraged that I'd be under more pressure to look for new work myself. I told her to take the job and that I'd keep looking for work, and when I found it, we'd move in together in New York, as we'd been looking forward to for the past 1.5 years! Exciting.

 

She took the job and moved back home to New Jersey, where she started work and waited for me to move out. We visited every few weeks -- either she'd come to Chicago, or I'd go to New York/NJ. Since I was putting so much pressure on myself to get a new job, our visits turned into the two of us just sitting in my apartment or in a hotel, having lots of sex (at my insistence, admittedly), and then spending time on our own stuff -- her with her new job, me with my old job, and my job search. We stopped having fun together and enjoying each other's company. Things became routine.

 

Meanwhile, because I was looking so forward to getting to New York and starting this new life, new job, new apartment, renewed relationship -- I stopped being the guy she fell in love with. I stopped going to the gym and improving myself. I stopped spending time with my Chicago friends. I stopped being the best at work. I stopped pursuing hobbies and side projects. I stopped enjoying my own life, to be frank. I only wanted to be able to enjoy the future with Kelly in New York. I wanted to get the best job possible in New York, a difficult task at age 23, in this economy, from Chicago, especially considering a career switch that I am trying to make.

 

And there were external factors that kept me from simply quitting and moving. I am lucky enough to make more money in salary at age 23 than either of my parents ever has in their life. I owe my parents $25k for college and I owe $20k on my own student loans. Money is a problem for my parents and they have been worried about losing their jobs. They've given me everything. Although I am a risk taker by nature, I didn't feel right, and didn't have the savings, to simply pack up and move to New York, risking a massive paycut, and what I felt could be the potential financial ruin of my family. So I broadened my job search. I started considering more things that would let make more money and simplify my transition to New York. In the end, I probably need to be in New York searching for a few months to get a job that I really want. I picked July 1 as a potential target date for the move.

 

As you might imagine by now -- having gone off her antidepressant medication, having seen me get rejected after a few final-round interviews, having seen me struggle with money and careers and self-confidence about moving, having stopped going on real romantic dates like we used to, having seen me just generally stop being the HAPPY PERSON that she fell in love with, and being an inexperienced 23-year-old girl, uncertain in love -- I began to feel Kelly to pull away from me a bit. Our sex life started to struggle; I wanted more and more frequent, she wasn't sure why she was becoming less attracted to me than she had been, even though I'm in better shape and better established. We had a few big discussions about where things would go between us, and they began to get daunting. She was pushing me away a little so that we could focus on ourselves -- but in my own insecurity about moving, I responded by trying to pull her in even tighter. She offered to pay our rent herself for a few months while I found a job in New York, as I had in Chicago while she looked for work, and I said, "you know, that's a big step, are you sure you're ready for that commitment?"

 

Since she still felt strongly that I had resented her (esp sexually) for choosing to go to Africa, and because of all this uncertainty between us (should we really live together? are we too young for this? are we asking too much of each other? is alxnrwd actually going to find a job in New York?), she wasn't really ready for an increased commitment. Since I was scared [color=#fa7777]* [/color][color=#fa7777]* [/color][color=#fa7777]* [/color][color=#fa7777]* [/color]less of running out of money in New York, I started to present alternative options: "OK, maybe I can stay in Chicago until I get my bonus at the end of the year, and then move out to New York on my own on Feb 1 2013." "Maybe I should wait until the fall when I have an interview for a high-paying position." Etc. Etc. Etc.

 

What I needed to say was, "Kelly, I want to move to New York July 1, for my own career, and I'd like to move in with you if you'd be so kind." What I said instead was... "this is a serious commitment and I hope we're on a path toward marriage if I'm going to move in with you."

 

But we're not ready for marriage. We need more time, more seasoning. We need to live normal, everyday, routine, together-in-the-same-place lives before we make that sort of decision. She wasn't ready. I'm not ready either, if I'm honest. I just want to move to New York and get a new job, really.

 

I got the call last Sunday: "Alex, I love you so much, but I'm not IN love with you. I'm not attracted to you anymore, I don't feel the butterflies like I used to. I feel you've always been maybe more committed to this relationship than I have. I don't think I can give you what you need. I am breaking up with you. I think we each need to focus on our own happiness. I hope we can be friends sometime."

 

-------

 

I was devastated. I cried.

 

Where the hell do I go from here? Everything in my soul, in my heart and in my mind tells me THIS IS THE GIRL FOR ME. This is the girl that I want to marry. This is the girl I want to be the mother of my kids. I absolutely know that if I can get to New York and get my mojo back to normal, if we can go on dates and rebuild that attraction, if we can just spend time together the way we used to -- we're perfect for each other. We have the same values and goals and friends and we love each other! I also feel that we could make a long distance relationship work until the end of the year, because I'll be less immature about it than I was the last time. I'm in a fundamentally different place from where I was when I was questioning this relationship when Kelly was abroad, from when I was vulnerable to temptation from other girls. I don't have eyes for anyone else anymore. I don't want to go out and pound beers and hit on chicks anymore. Now I know Kelly is the one for me!

 

But she's broken up with me.

 

And I can't really afford to risk moving to New York and pay my own rent while I look for jobs.

 

So I'm going out to New York next weekend to follow up on a couple job leads. My gut tells me to go find Kelly, to see her in person, and tell her exactly how I feel. That I want her back, that I need her back. That it'll be different, that I'll be better. That all I need is to get to New York to be the person she fell in love with again, to start building my life back up. That she gives me exactly what I need and more. Maybe that I can't quit my job on my own, but that I want to take this leap and move in with her in New York City if she'll have me.

 

But how can I ask to move in with someone who's just dumped me? Should I try to move on instead and only focus on myself, getting the best job wherever possible, even though what I want most is to get Kelly back? Should I use reverse psychology instead, and be aloof and let her see what she's missing? Should I keep looking for jobs in New York and try to move out there and get her back?

 

Should we meet this weekend? If so, should I just say I want to see her? Should I say I want to talk? Should I take her on a date to try to rebuild our "fun" mentality, or should we have a more serious breakup conversation? Should I try to get closure and say how I feel? Should I just shut up and listen to how she's feeling? I have no idea.

 

I'm so confused. Help! What would you do in my situation??

[Philosoraptor]

You don't chase her, she dumped you. It's obvious what she said was true about you being more interested in the relationship than she is. It was made obvious by you doing the waiting, doing the moving, doing everything. She's lived her life and you've waited on the sideline hoping to tag along.

 

Stay where you are, get your life in order, spend time with your friends, and slowly move on and heal.

[believe_believe]

Hi there,

 

I was in a similar situation it's crazy how so many of us are on here. I also changed form the person I was not because of her but because of external stress and pressures.

 

I know she's broken up with you over a text message, which is cowardly, she should have met up with you as soon as possible. My gf also did this.

 

I thinnk you should meet and tell her not that you want her back, don't beg or plead, but talk things out about how they have come...If you say you want her back it will make her lose respect for you and its not attractive.

 

You should tell her how important she is to you....and that the real you is ther but got lost....say that you both need time to probably find yourselves.

 

Then go NC....get your job, your friends all back...be the man you wanted to be for the past year but couldn't be becasue of all the stress...and you can do it your way....

 

Then when she contacts you/bumps into you again in the future you both are in a better place..? if she doesn't then at least you know you put all your cards on the table by meeting her, and you have used the energy since the break up to better yourself.

 

Tell her you would like to meet in person to say goodbye since you owe it to your relationship. She's not in a place right now to have/want you back right now...if she doesn't know if she wants to email/message her.

 

Try to be understanding...and give your opinion on why things have turned out the way they have. You sound like you have very good insight...

 

all the things she said can't all be true....she has found a justification to her breaking up with you when its not you she wants to break up with the situation.....but these feelings and the situation are not going to change overnight...give it time to breath and yourself. You have bent ver backwards and been perfect and she probably feels guilty that you are willing to suffer for her...

 

i hope this has helped.......this in the short term will be good for you in the long run....you have to be prepared for the worst that you never hear from her again....but know there was nothing more you could have done....

[Chi townD]

Dude, she gave you the "ILYBINILWY" speech. That's a classic sign that there's another guy in the picture. Sorry. She was giving you the signs to delay going there by months. Why? Because you would throw a monkey wrench into what she has going on with another dude. I'm telling you the "ILYBINILWY" speech is CLASSIC.

 

But HEY!!! Stay in Chicago! Are you crazy? Giving up a high paying job in this economy? For absolutely NO opportunity for a job that is going to pay as well in a city as competitive as New York! And if you haven't noticed, I'm kind of partial to Chicago! Chicago will treat you well if you let her! AND Chicago girls will treat you well if you let them!

[alxnrwd]

You don't chase her, she dumped you. It's obvious what she said was true about you being more interested in the relationship than she is. It was made obvious by you doing the waiting, doing the moving, doing everything. She's lived her life and you've waited on the sideline hoping to tag along.

 

Stay where you are, get your life in order, spend time with your friends, and slowly move on and heal.

I really don't see it this way, though. At the beginning of our relationship she was way more committed than I was. I haven't waited on the sidelines until very recently - I actually do have my own things going and my own ideas about how happy I would be and I want to do in New York. I just didn't do a good job expressing that.

 

Is it just that girls can't ever be with a man that ever seems even remotely more committed than they are? I really don't want to feel this way about female psychology but that's where I'm going...

[geegirl]

Is it just that girls can't ever be with a man that ever seems even remotely more committed than they are? I really don't want to feel this way about female psychology but that's where I'm going...

 

That type of thinking will send you packing to Bitterville. It's universal. It happens to women and men. Non-committal behavior is not gender specific.

[alxnrwd]

Hi there,

 

I was in a similar situation it's crazy how so many of us are on here. I also changed form the person I was not because of her but because of external stress and pressures.

 

I know she's broken up with you over a text message, which is cowardly, she should have met up with you as soon as possible. My gf also did this.

 

I thinnk you should meet and tell her not that you want her back, don't beg or plead, but talk things out about how they have come...If you say you want her back it will make her lose respect for you and its not attractive.

 

You should tell her how important she is to you....and that the real you is ther but got lost....say that you both need time to probably find yourselves.

 

Then go NC....get your job, your friends all back...be the man you wanted to be for the past year but couldn't be becasue of all the stress...and you can do it your way....

 

Then when she contacts you/bumps into you again in the future you both are in a better place..? if she doesn't then at least you know you put all your cards on the table by meeting her, and you have used the energy since the break up to better yourself.

 

Tell her you would like to meet in person to say goodbye since you owe it to your relationship. She's not in a place right now to have/want you back right now...if she doesn't know if she wants to email/message her.

 

Try to be understanding...and give your opinion on why things have turned out the way they have. You sound like you have very good insight...

 

all the things she said can't all be true....she has found a justification to her breaking up with you when its not you she wants to break up with the situation.....but these feelings and the situation are not going to change overnight...give it time to breath and yourself. You have bent ver backwards and been perfect and she probably feels guilty that you are willing to suffer for her...

 

i hope this has helped.......this in the short term will be good for you in the long run....you have to be prepared for the worst that you never hear from her again....but know there was nothing more you could have done....

Thanks.. very helpful post. We broke up over Skype, and I think meeting in person to say goodbye is exactly what I'm wanting. Yes, I do want her back, but I also realize this breakup might have been necessary for me to get my head out of my ass a little bit.

 

I know she has definitely felt guilty that I'm willing to suffer for her and she maybe isn't willing to do the same for me... but it's just because I'm a 22 year old guy that likes sex a lot

 

I'm just torn... I have this this feeling that I won't feel as if there was "nothing else I could have done" unless I lay everything on the line, say I'm willing to move, etc....

[alxnrwd]

Dude, she gave you the "ILYBINILWY" speech. That's a classic sign that there's another guy in the picture. Sorry. She was giving you the signs to delay going there by months. Why? Because you would throw a monkey wrench into what she has going on with another dude. I'm telling you the "ILYBINILWY" speech is CLASSIC.

 

But HEY!!! Stay in Chicago! Are you crazy? Giving up a high paying job in this economy? For absolutely NO opportunity for a job that is going to pay as well in a city as competitive as New York! And if you haven't noticed, I'm kind of partial to Chicago! Chicago will treat you well if you let her! AND Chicago girls will treat you well if you let them!

I know everyone says this and I probably sound very naive, but I am absolutely positive there's no one else. There might be an idea of someone else, but mostly there's her work and her sense of balance.

 

I'm pretty smart so I'm not tooooo worried about getting a job in New York, just about how long it might take. I've been in Chicago for 6 years and although I love this place I'm just ****ing sick of it.

[Chi townD]

I know everyone says this and I probably sound very naive, but I am absolutely positive there's no one else. There might be an idea of someone else, but mostly there's her work and her sense of balance.

 

I'm pretty smart so I'm not tooooo worried about getting a job in New York, just about how long it might take. I've been in Chicago for 6 years and although I love this place I'm just ****ing sick of it.

 

That's because you never fully embraced it. You withdrew from your friends and all the activities that you would normally enjoy.

 

And I wouldn't be so positive that there isn't anyone else. Look around this forum. You'll find thread after thread of people saying that there isn't anyone only to find out different. You say that she only works and tries to find her balance? How can you be sure. You're here in Chicago and she's there. You don't know what she does 24 hours of her day. AND you don't know if the OM is someone she works with. Maybe that's why she loves her job so much!

 

Look, I'm just telling you to be careful and look at things outside the box. You probably never thought your girlfriend would ever break up with you...but she did. Don't put anything past her.

[alxnrwd]

That's because you never fully embraced it. You withdrew from your friends and all the activities that you would normally enjoy.

 

And I wouldn't be so positive that there isn't anyone else. Look around this forum. You'll find thread after thread of people saying that there isn't anyone only to find out different. You say that she only works and tries to find her balance? How can you be sure. You're here in Chicago and she's there. You don't know what she does 24 hours of her day. AND you don't know if the OM is someone she works with. Maybe that's why she loves her job so much!

 

Look, I'm just telling you to be careful and look at things outside the box. You probably never thought your girlfriend would ever break up with you...but she did. Don't put anything past her.

You're right. Maybe there is someone else. Doesn't really change how I feel though.

[Chi townD]

Look, I know you feel pretty bad right now. And me telling you that there might be someone else isn't helping. But, people come on here to figure out why people are acting the way they do and how to cope. To have people look at things you normally wouldn't see.

 

This is still a shock to you and it hurts, I get it. And to be honest, there's nothing I can do or say that's going to make it feel any better right now. But, people will be here to talk you through it.

 

Personally, I wouldn't give up your good job in a great city for a girl that dumped you. That you might travel back there for someone that probably won't give you a chance. With no job on the horizon in a city with fierce competition then what? Okay, you say your pretty smart. But, being smart and 2 bucks will get you a cup of coffee. I know a lot of smart people that are dumb as hell. It's about who you know. Networking. And if you don't have those contact established in New York, then good luck!

[mephisto]

I too got dumped by the love of my life.

She lied to me, cheated on me, humilliated me with her actions...everything bad by the book.

But...hey,wait a second...she cheated, lied, humilliated me...

THIS JUST CANT BE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE !!!

NEXT !!

 

 

Sorry for this wall of text. I'm pretty devastated, as you might imagine. Thanks in advance for any advice or sympathy. This is just me getting my feelings out.

 

I'm 23 and have dated Kelly for 2.5 years now. We first got together our senior year of college, and although we each had a small bit of sexual experience, I took her virginity and this has been both of our first serious relationship.

 

We dated for 8 months before graduation and it was absolutely, absolutely fantastic. Of course, partially because it was the honeymoon period, and partially because we were living easy in college -- but also, we have the same friends, the same values, the same outlook on the world. We have very similar families, similar heritage, very similar politics, very similar views on social interaction. The same huge ambition to make the world a better place. Our sex life was great. In short -- we fell in love, head-over-heels, and we spent lots of time talking about a future together.

 

When we graduated, Kelly decided she wanted to spend a year working abroad for a very well-known international aid organization in Africa. This was her dream job, something she'd been working toward long before we met, and since we were only together 8 months -- she didn't feel ready to say no to this amazing opportunity just so that we could be together. I supported her decision -- she was right, we weren't ready to keep each other from doing anything, although we were deeply in love -- and she went abroad for a year. We decided to stay together.

 

Of course, I was graduating college too, and I got a job making good money, and a really nice apartment in Chicago. I started going out with my 22-year-old friends, who, obviously, wanted to spend a lot of their time drinking beer and hitting on girls. This sent me into a bit of a tailspin -- either I had to deal with the temptation of constantly being around attractive women without ever having sex, or else I would have to cut myself off a bit from my own friends. Initially I tried to choose the former -- but then I couldn't help that there were a few girls that were REALLY into me, which led me to lash out at Kelly for not being around, and to constantly bug her to send me naked photos and videos. I was being immature, and I wasn't really ready to deal with a long-distance relationship.

 

After 6 months and a visit to Africa, I decided the latter was actually the right course -- I really loved Kelly -- so I decided to cut myself off a bit from my friends, and focus on a future with Kelly. During this time I lost 85 pounds (from 280 to 195), matured a hell of a lot, and was really successful at work. I was looking so forward to Kelly coming back -- although Kelly is very ambitious (one of the things I love about her), she had said things like, "I'll come to Chicago and even be a barista to be with you!" and "I'll definitely live in Chicago to be with you!" I knew she had some desire to get a job in her field in New York (where most international nonprofit orgs are based), but given that she'd said these things, I really thought she would just move to Chicago and we would live happily ever after.

 

So, she finished her African tour of duty in August 2011. After a few months at home with her family in the New York area, Kelly came to Chicago and moved in with me while she looked for work. Things were really good! We started to get to know each other again and become close again. I helped her through an intense period where she went off her antidepressant medication. During this time, it became clearer to her that most of the jobs that she wanted were in New York. At the same time, I was feeling quite unhappy with my own job and beginning to consider next steps. Since New York is also a better place for what I want to do, and also closer to my own family, I said: "OK, I'll start looking for work in New York, you keep looking in Chicago and New York, and we'll see what happens."

 

Needless to say -- after a few months, and a few unsuccessful interviews for me (for really awesome positions that were maybe a little bit of a reach) Kelly found a job in New York. One that she was very very excited about. I was incredibly happy for her, although a bit discouraged that I'd be under more pressure to look for new work myself. I told her to take the job and that I'd keep looking for work, and when I found it, we'd move in together in New York, as we'd been looking forward to for the past 1.5 years! Exciting.

 

She took the job and moved back home to New Jersey, where she started work and waited for me to move out. We visited every few weeks -- either she'd come to Chicago, or I'd go to New York/NJ. Since I was putting so much pressure on myself to get a new job, our visits turned into the two of us just sitting in my apartment or in a hotel, having lots of sex (at my insistence, admittedly), and then spending time on our own stuff -- her with her new job, me with my old job, and my job search. We stopped having fun together and enjoying each other's company. Things became routine.

 

Meanwhile, because I was looking so forward to getting to New York and starting this new life, new job, new apartment, renewed relationship -- I stopped being the guy she fell in love with. I stopped going to the gym and improving myself. I stopped spending time with my Chicago friends. I stopped being the best at work. I stopped pursuing hobbies and side projects. I stopped enjoying my own life, to be frank. I only wanted to be able to enjoy the future with Kelly in New York. I wanted to get the best job possible in New York, a difficult task at age 23, in this economy, from Chicago, especially considering a career switch that I am trying to make.

 

And there were external factors that kept me from simply quitting and moving. I am lucky enough to make more money in salary at age 23 than either of my parents ever has in their life. I owe my parents $25k for college and I owe $20k on my own student loans. Money is a problem for my parents and they have been worried about losing their jobs. They've given me everything. Although I am a risk taker by nature, I didn't feel right, and didn't have the savings, to simply pack up and move to New York, risking a massive paycut, and what I felt could be the potential financial ruin of my family. So I broadened my job search. I started considering more things that would let make more money and simplify my transition to New York. In the end, I probably need to be in New York searching for a few months to get a job that I really want. I picked July 1 as a potential target date for the move.

 

As you might imagine by now -- having gone off her antidepressant medication, having seen me get rejected after a few final-round interviews, having seen me struggle with money and careers and self-confidence about moving, having stopped going on real romantic dates like we used to, having seen me just generally stop being the HAPPY PERSON that she fell in love with, and being an inexperienced 23-year-old girl, uncertain in love -- I began to feel Kelly to pull away from me a bit. Our sex life started to struggle; I wanted more and more frequent, she wasn't sure why she was becoming less attracted to me than she had been, even though I'm in better shape and better established. We had a few big discussions about where things would go between us, and they began to get daunting. She was pushing me away a little so that we could focus on ourselves -- but in my own insecurity about moving, I responded by trying to pull her in even tighter. She offered to pay our rent herself for a few months while I found a job in New York, as I had in Chicago while she looked for work, and I said, "you know, that's a big step, are you sure you're ready for that commitment?"

 

Since she still felt strongly that I had resented her (esp sexually) for choosing to go to Africa, and because of all this uncertainty between us (should we really live together? are we too young for this? are we asking too much of each other? is alxnrwd actually going to find a job in New York?), she wasn't really ready for an increased commitment. Since I was scared [color=#fa7777]* [/color][color=#fa7777]* [/color][color=#fa7777]* [/color][color=#fa7777]* [/color]less of running out of money in New York, I started to present alternative options: "OK, maybe I can stay in Chicago until I get my bonus at the end of the year, and then move out to New York on my own on Feb 1 2013." "Maybe I should wait until the fall when I have an interview for a high-paying position." Etc. Etc. Etc.

 

What I needed to say was, "Kelly, I want to move to New York July 1, for my own career, and I'd like to move in with you if you'd be so kind." What I said instead was... "this is a serious commitment and I hope we're on a path toward marriage if I'm going to move in with you."

 

But we're not ready for marriage. We need more time, more seasoning. We need to live normal, everyday, routine, together-in-the-same-place lives before we make that sort of decision. She wasn't ready. I'm not ready either, if I'm honest. I just want to move to New York and get a new job, really.

 

I got the call last Sunday: "Alex, I love you so much, but I'm not IN love with you. I'm not attracted to you anymore, I don't feel the butterflies like I used to. I feel you've always been maybe more committed to this relationship than I have. I don't think I can give you what you need. I am breaking up with you. I think we each need to focus on our own happiness. I hope we can be friends sometime."

 

-------

 

I was devastated. I cried.

 

Where the hell do I go from here? Everything in my soul, in my heart and in my mind tells me THIS IS THE GIRL FOR ME. This is the girl that I want to marry. This is the girl I want to be the mother of my kids. I absolutely know that if I can get to New York and get my mojo back to normal, if we can go on dates and rebuild that attraction, if we can just spend time together the way we used to -- we're perfect for each other. We have the same values and goals and friends and we love each other! I also feel that we could make a long distance relationship work until the end of the year, because I'll be less immature about it than I was the last time. I'm in a fundamentally different place from where I was when I was questioning this relationship when Kelly was abroad, from when I was vulnerable to temptation from other girls. I don't have eyes for anyone else anymore. I don't want to go out and pound beers and hit on chicks anymore. Now I know Kelly is the one for me!

 

But she's broken up with me.

 

And I can't really afford to risk moving to New York and pay my own rent while I look for jobs.

 

So I'm going out to New York next weekend to follow up on a couple job leads. My gut tells me to go find Kelly, to see her in person, and tell her exactly how I feel. That I want her back, that I need her back. That it'll be different, that I'll be better. That all I need is to get to New York to be the person she fell in love with again, to start building my life back up. That she gives me exactly what I need and more. Maybe that I can't quit my job on my own, but that I want to take this leap and move in with her in New York City if she'll have me.

 

But how can I ask to move in with someone who's just dumped me? Should I try to move on instead and only focus on myself, getting the best job wherever possible, even though what I want most is to get Kelly back? Should I use reverse psychology instead, and be aloof and let her see what she's missing? Should I keep looking for jobs in New York and try to move out there and get her back?

 

Should we meet this weekend? If so, should I just say I want to see her? Should I say I want to talk? Should I take her on a date to try to rebuild our "fun" mentality, or should we have a more serious breakup conversation? Should I try to get closure and say how I feel? Should I just shut up and listen to how she's feeling? I have no idea.

 

I'm so confused. Help! What would you do in my situation??

[alxnrwd]

Look, I know you feel pretty bad right now. And me telling you that there might be someone else isn't helping. But, people come on here to figure out why people are acting the way they do and how to cope. To have people look at things you normally wouldn't see.

 

This is still a shock to you and it hurts, I get it. And to be honest, there's nothing I can do or say that's going to make it feel any better right now. But, people will be here to talk you through it.

 

Personally, I wouldn't give up your good job in a great city for a girl that dumped you. That you might travel back there for someone that probably won't give you a chance. With no job on the horizon in a city with fierce competition then what? Okay, you say your pretty smart. But, being smart and 2 bucks will get you a cup of coffee. I know a lot of smart people that are dumb as hell. It's about who you know. Networking. And if you don't have those contact established in New York, then good luck!

I know, I appreciate your perspective. Thanks for helping me cope. I just really don't think there is anyone else.

 

I know it's about networking and that's what really kills me. I've been seriously networking for only a few months now. She hasn't really given it a chance. Maybe that means she was never going to? But I really think it means I've just been pushing her too hard for commitment while lowering my own value in the process...

[alxnrwd]

I too got dumped by the love of my life.

She lied to me, cheated on me, humilliated me with her actions...everything bad by the book.

But...hey,wait a second...she cheated, lied, humilliated me...

THIS JUST CANT BE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE !!!

NEXT !!

I actually envy you, if that makes you feel any better. I wish this girl had ever been anything but a SAINT. It'd be way easier to move on.

[blotter]

In my experience the "ILYBINILWY" speech really is the death nail of a relationship. By the time they are ready to say that, they have completely removed themselves emotionally from the relationship and have another dude on their radar. That always seems to be the case when I get the "ILYBINILWY" speech.

[alxnrwd]

In my experience the "ILYBINILWY" speech really is the death nail of a relationship. By the time they are ready to say that, they have completely removed themselves emotionally from the relationship and have another dude on their radar. That always seems to be the case when I get the "ILYBINILWY" speech.

Yeah.. she's definitely removed emotionally... I really think in this case, it's not another dude, it's just freedom from all my vacillating about what I want to do, and freedom to live a single life in NYC. Sounds pretty alluring to me, too, actually..

[Derevko]

It's a hard pill to swallow but you've got to let her go.

 

You're ready for a commitment and she isn't. She questions being IN love with you. Moving to NY and getting a great job there to be with her won't fix those issues.

 

I feel for you. I know what its like to put yourself out there and offer to move across the country for the girl you love because in your heart you know you're perfect for each other. But the thing is, you're not perfect for each other right now. If you were, she'd want to give it a chance. Her feelings for you would be strong enough to overcome that fear of commitment. And they're not.

 

She's 23. You were her ONLY serious relationship. She is questioning everything because she has no basis for comparison. And because of that, if she were to settled down with you right now she would always wonder what else is out there.

 

So you see, there isn't anything you could've done. You could be the best boyfriend to ever grace God's green earth and it would make no difference. You were here first, and that my friend is both a blessing and a curse.

 

Move on.

[alxnrwd]

It's a hard pill to swallow but you've got to let her go.

 

You're ready for a commitment and she isn't. She questions being IN love with you. Moving to NY and getting a great job there to be with her won't fix those issues.

Yeah, but moving to NY and spending time with her doing silly **** would fix those issues, I am basically certain.

I feel for you. I know what its like to put yourself out there and offer to move across the country for the girl you love because in your heart you know you're perfect for each other. But the thing is, you're not perfect for each other right now. If you were, she'd want to give it a chance. Her feelings for you would be strong enough to overcome that fear of commitment. And they're not.

 

She's 23. You were her ONLY serious relationship. She is questioning everything because she has no basis for comparison. And because of that, if she were to settled down with you right now she would always wonder what else is out there.

 

So you see, there isn't anything you could've done. You could be the best boyfriend to ever grace God's green earth and it would make no difference. You were here first, and that my friend is both a blessing and a curse.

 

Move on.

It just pisses me off because at the beginning of our relationship, she was the one that said things like, "I love YOU and I don't need to see anything else out there." Ergo, stayed with her in Africa. Ergo, became committed myself. Ugh.

 

I don't think I'll be able to help myself from pointing this out if we meet.

[Gulf-Delta]

Well dude, I feel somewhat similar to you. I tend to believe my ex was my soulmate as well. Like we were destined to be in each others live or something.

 

You really have to believe, if it is meant to be, she'll come back begging with nothing but apologies and REAL love. If you love something, you have to let it go. If it comes back, it's meant to be yours. If not, then be grateful for knowing the person.

[Derevko]

Yeah, but moving to NY and spending time with her doing silly **** would fix those issues, I am basically certain.

It just pisses me off because at the beginning of our relationship, she was the one that said things like, "I love YOU and I don't need to see anything else out there." Ergo, stayed with her in Africa. Ergo, became committed myself. Ugh.

 

I don't think I'll be able to help myself from pointing this out if we meet.

 

 

And what makes you so certain that would fix everything?

 

Look, when she said loved you she and didn't need to see anything else out there she probably did mean it...at the time. But people change, their feelings change, and no amount of "doing silly ***" will make things the way they once were. You can't force someone to be in love with you.

 

She told you she wasn't in love with you, wasn't attracted to you, wanted to be on her own, and only wanted to be friends. She was pretty clear. The sooner you accept it, the better off you'll be.

[alxnrwd]

And what makes you so certain that would fix everything?

 

Look, when she said loved you she and didn't need to see anything else out there she probably did mean it...at the time. But people change, their feelings change, and no amount of "doing silly ***" will make things the way they once were. You can't force someone to be in love with you.

 

She told you she wasn't in love with you, wasn't attracted to you, wanted to be on her own, and only wanted to be friends. She was pretty clear. The sooner you accept it, the better off you'll be.

I'm aware, but I can't accept it just yet without closure in person. The way she said it, the way she said she still loves me, I just want to know what's really happening here below the surface...

 

"Love," "in love," "butterflies," .... I really think people in 50-60-year marriages would tell you, first, that you get out what you put in, and second, that wanting to spend the rest of your life with someone and being compatible is way more important than whatever contemporary labels you might choose to use.

 

If your argument is that it's pretty clear she doesn't want to be with me -- then sure. You're right. Obviously. Clearly. But I don't think I can accept that until I put all my cards on the table. I want to leave her with a memory of me as I am -- as I have always been -- as I will be -- not as I have been the past 6 months.

 

THEN I'll go full-out betterment and self-improvement mode.

[Derevko]

I'm aware, but I can't accept it just yet without closure in person. The way she said it, the way she said she still loves me, I just want to know what's really happening here below the surface...

 

"Love," "in love," "butterflies," .... I really think people in 50-60-year marriages would tell you, first, that you get out what you put in, and second, that wanting to spend the rest of your life with someone and being compatible is way more important than whatever contemporary labels you might choose to use.

 

If your argument is that it's pretty clear she doesn't want to be with me -- then sure. You're right. Obviously. Clearly. But I don't think I can accept that until I put all my cards on the table. I want to leave her with a memory of me as I am -- as I have always been -- as I will be -- not as I have been the past 6 months.

 

THEN I'll go full-out betterment and self-improvement mode.

 

Preaching to the choir, man. Butterflies, In Love, Chick flicks creating unrealistic expectations, etc...

 

What the hell - go for it! Give it your all and get closure one way or another. I guess I can understand you wanting to do your absolute best face-to-face before truly calling it quits. If you don't, you'll always wonder what would have happened otherwise. Good of luck to you.