I think a girl ive been casually sleeping with wants to start dating...

[hamster123]

Having never really had a FWB type situation i'm a bit of an amateur when it comes to this...

 

Ive known her for a few years, although we never really spoke much until a night out around a month ago. She ended up coming back to mine that night and one thing lead to another etc. We exchanged numbers, and over the past month we've texted each other a few times a week, nothing serious, just flirty.

 

Although we spoke a lot, i didnt see her again until just this week (4 weeks after we slept with each other), when she had a free house for the week and invited me round. I ended up staying at hers a couple of times, both times having sex.

 

Now her parents are back and were back to texting each other again. Only now its evolved from flirty texts into 'we should do something together this weekend' type texts.

 

Automatically I see this as 'Im looking for something more serious'. I may be wrong here, I guess this is where you guys come in. I think she is a very nice girl and we get on well, however Im not really looking for anything serious. I dont beleive I have lead her on into thinking this, but at the same time I dont want her to think that I have, and then think I was only speaking to her so i could get sex as this is not me at all.

 

Is it possible she just wants to hang out some more because we get on well rather than wanting anything serious? Also should I make my intentions clear before things escalte further? If so how should I tell her? This may sound like basic stuff but like I say im not used to these situations. Any adivce appreciated, thanks!

[verhrzn]

Well... you were only kind of talking to her to get sex. Sorry that that doesn't fit with your perception of yourself, but it's the truth. You don't wanna date her, and if you were interested in her as a friend, you wouldn't be sleeping with her. So, the very first step is being honest with yourself.

 

Second, yes, you should make your intentions clear, as soon as possible. And I mean clear, crystal clear, as in "I have no intention to date you, ever. I like you only as a person I enjoy having sex with." If she's just looking for something casual, great, you're on the same page. If she says she's looking for something casual but continues to secretly hope you'll come around, well, that is her own perception to own, because you were crystal clear with her.

 

And if she was interested in dating, she'll drop you; you'll go back to hearing from her infrequently, or not at all.

 

Simple, really. Just use common sense.

[pteromom]

It is VERY common for a woman to fall for someone she is sleeping with. It is difficult for most women to separate sex and love.

 

I think it is very important for you to tell her you aren't looking for anything serious. She needs to know how you are feeling, or she'll be on a message board trying to get strangers to analyze everything you've said or done to help figure out what you want from her. LOL

 

Honest communication is good.

[InJest]

Until she says something directly, don't assume. If she asks, "what are we", then tell her what the situation is, as you see it and discuss whatever she wants further with her if necessary. If she wants more, that's on her to say so. Otherwise, keep the status quo. Women will **** with your head if you're the one to bring up feelings and all that.

 

If you don't want to hang out with her, don't hang out with her. If you want to hang out with her, hang out with her.

[verhrzn]

Until she says something directly, don't assume. If she asks, "what are we", then tell her what the situation is, as you see it and discuss whatever she wants further with her if necessary. If she wants more, that's on her to say so. Otherwise, keep the status quo. Women will **** with your head if you're the one to bring up feelings and all that.

 

If you don't want to hang out with her, don't hang out with her. If you want to hang out with her, hang out with her.

 

Except women are told the same thing... that bringing up feelings will scare a guy away, like a frightened gazelle.

 

He's already getting the inkling she's interested in more. It's his responsibility, as the less interested party, to put the kabosh on it.

[InJest]

Bringing up feelings doesn't scare a guy away..it's just a cue for uninterested guys to leave. No guy that really interested in a girl is going to freak out and leave because his feelings are reciprocated.

 

Additionally, I'd be willing to bet that this one will play along even if he tells her flat out that he's not looking for anything serious.

 

It is the responsibility of the interested party, to speak up about what they want. This is the real world, and we are all adults.

[verhrzn]

Bringing up feelings doesn't scare a guy away..it's just a cue for uninterested guys to leave. No guy that really interested in a girl is going to freak out and leave because his feelings are reciprocated.

 

Additionally, I'd be willing to bet that this one will play along even if he tells her flat out that he's not looking for anything serious.

 

It is the responsibility of the interested party, to speak up about what they want. This is the real world, and we are all adults.

 

It's the responsibility of the uninterested party to make it clear what he wants as well.

 

Even if she plays along, at least he did his part in being absolutely clear he's not interested. She might still be considering if she's interested; he knows he's not. Since he is sure, he should speak up.

[fishtaco]

Except women are told the same thing... that bringing up feelings will scare a guy away, like a frightened gazelle.

 

He's already getting the inkling she's interested in more. It's his responsibility, as the less interested party, to put the kabosh on it.

 

What you described is called baby sitting. You are doing the work the other person is supposed to do because they lack experience.

 

Technically, if you didn't lie, you are not in the wrong period. Some people believe in above and beyond, which I assume includes verhrzn. That's fine, as long as you are not a hypocrite and will not dodge your babysitting responsibilities when it's your turn.

 

I believe in no baby sitting. I don't need anyone to babysit me, and I will not babysit anyone. My recommendation is to keep going until she brings it up. Then don't lie.

 

It's the responsibility of the person that wants more to take the necessary steps to make it happen, period. Doesn't matter if you are a man or a woman.

 

But OP, if you want to go above and beyond like verhrzn, then I suggest you use a lot of tact. This is a difficult topic to breach. In addition, women communicate with euphemisms. So make your speech extra flowery and extra nice.

[Lil1]

Is it possible she just wants to hang out some more because we get on well rather than wanting anything serious?

 

Also should I make my intentions clear before things escalte further?

 

If so how should I tell her?

 

 

Has she ever had a FWB? If she is not experienced in this then she def. wants a relationship or is at least looking for one in the long term. Saying "we should do something together this weekend" is def. a sign that she could see you as more than a FWB. FWBs don't really make plans with each other to do stuff together. The only 'doing' is each other;)

 

Yes make your intentions loud and clear right now before it goes any further and you end up looking like the typical male jerk.

 

Just tell her you thought this was a casual thing and that you don't want to hurt her feelings and are therefore being honest with her & letting her know you are not interested in a relationship. Ask her if she is interested in being a FWB and establish FWB boundaries (none of this let's hang out nonsense).

 

Good luck!!

[verhrzn]

Look, I've been in this situation... at least 3 times now. It sucks to have a guy just, let you continue on, when he decided months ago he wasn't that into you. It also sucks for guys to use "flowery" language, because in my experience, guys are already pretty awful at being forward with their more uncomfortable feelings.

 

You are not interested in dating her. You know this. Tell her. The only reason you're not telling her is because you strongly suspect the sex will dry up. In other words, you're shirking the truth because you want to manipulate her to get what you want.

 

I'm not saying she shouldn't be honest as well. But since you've already gotten to the Finish Line, you're the one who needs to call the race. Not doing so, is only going to lead her on.

 

Be honest. Be direct. Heck, be blunt. It would have saved me a heck of a lot of time and heartache if a guy had been man enough to do that to me.

[InJest]

OP, if you follow verhrzn's advice, I suggest you do NOT use a lot of tact. Anything you say, can and will be twisted into something else. Tell her in no uncertain terms, "I am not going to date you in any serious way. We are just having sex."

[fishtaco]

Look, I've been in this situation... at least 3 times now. It sucks to have a guy just, let you continue on, when he decided months ago he wasn't that into you. It also sucks for guys to use "flowery" language, because in my experience, guys are already pretty awful at being forward with their more uncomfortable feelings.

 

You are not interested in dating her. You know this. Tell her. The only reason you're not telling her is because you strongly suspect the sex will dry up. In other words, you're shirking the truth because you want to manipulate her to get what you want.

 

I'm not saying she shouldn't be honest as well. But since you've already gotten to the Finish Line, you're the one who needs to call the race. Not doing so, is only going to lead her on.

 

Be honest. Be direct. Heck, be blunt. It would have saved me a heck of a lot of time and heartache if a guy had been man enough to do that to me.

 

Guess what? It happens to men too. I've had the same experience. So I learned. This one instance about a year ago, I ended up telling the woman let's be friends, when she already checked out but she won't come forward and tell me. Because I learned to recognize the signs. I learned that if I don't get want I want, I shouldn't put more in. It's about not over investing until you see something in return. And it's the first thing any man or woman should learn when they date.

 

It's all great if everyone in the world is nice. But I prefer not to be dependent on other people's niceness, because I can tell you, nice is the exception and not the rule.

 

And flowery words is not lying. It's the difference between "I'm not ready to date", vs. "I'm just ****ing you for fun". They mean the same thing. One is utilizing in the industry standard keywords, and is understood by everyone except the dating newbies. The other one is offensive, and is acceptable only when you're trying to tell her to **** off and stop stalking you. Say it the right way, a woman will sleep with you. Say it the wrong way, that same woman who was ready to jump in bed with you will walk away. Flowery words are extremely important.

 

So yes, it makes a world of difference. Being blunt generally does not work when communicating with women, it doesn't even have to be about this topic. It could be about if it takes you two hours to put on makeup, then start two hours earlier. 100% true, correct statement, and makes perfect logical sense. But if you put it like that, it will not be a productive way to get your point across.

[verhrzn]

So he should manipulate her to keep getting what he wants (sex), because she might be naive/trusting and not know how to do the dance.

 

Yeah. Real classy.

[Solo34]

So he should manipulate her to keep getting what he wants (sex), because she might be naive/trusting and not know how to do the dance.

 

Yeah. Real classy.

 

You mean about as classy as being a f*ck buddy, what this chick was from the start?? The same female that knew what she was doing?? The same one that called this dude over to f*ck with her parents being gone??

[fishtaco]

So he should manipulate her to keep getting what he wants (sex), because she might be naive/trusting and not know how to do the dance.

 

Yeah. Real classy.

 

So instead of learning how the world works, and being smarter, you ask for freebie hand outs?

 

She was the one that jumped in bed with him. She is 50% responsible.

 

You want to date? Then learn the dance. I talk about the dog and pony show all the time. I had to learn it. Guys that don't know how to do the dog and pony show get nothing. So are those guys entitled to sympathy handouts too, just because they don't know how to do the dance?

 

Learn to swim, or you drown. You can't change the world. These are not my rules. These are the rules that I learned.

[verhrzn]

So instead of learning how the world works, and being smarter, you ask for freebie hand outs?

 

She was the one that jumped in bed with him. She is 50% responsible.

 

You want to date? Then learn the dance. I talk about the dog and pony show all the time. I had to learn it. Guys that don't know how to do the dog and pony show get nothing. So are those guys entitled to sympathy handouts too, just because they don't know how to do the dance?

 

Learn to swim, or you drown. You can't change the world. These are not my rules. These are the rules that I learned.

 

Doesn't mean he should hold her head underwater and help her drown, because she doesn't know how to swim.

 

Again... he knows what he wants. Not her. So why the heck isn't he required to be honest about it?

[Solo34]

Doesn't mean he should hold her head underwater and help her drown, because she doesn't know how to swim.

 

Again... he knows what he wants. Not her. So why the heck isn't he required to be honest about it?

 

I love how this chick is making the OP's look all innocent and the victim here.

 

Attention Verhrzn...this chick knew what she wanted. Some dick. Now she caught feelings, even though she knew from the start exactly what she was doing, and so did this dude.

 

It was f*cking...nothing more, nothing less.

[fishtaco]

Doesn't mean he should hold her head underwater and help her drown, because she doesn't know how to swim.

 

Again... he knows what he wants. Not her. So why the heck isn't he required to be honest about it?

 

He's not. If he lied to get in her pants, then I would agree with your analogy. And that's an action I disagree with. But he didn't lie.

 

Also, why isn't she required to be honest about it? She wants more, so bring it up.

 

When a man and a woman have casual sex, please don't automatically assume the man is the predator and tricked her into it.

[verhrzn]

I love how this chick is making the OP's look all innocent and the victim here.

 

Attention Verhrzn...this chick knew what she wanted. Some dick. Now she caught feelings, even though she knew from the start exactly what she was doing, and so did this dude.

 

It was f*cking...nothing more, nothing less.

 

If it's just f*cking, then it's no big deal if the guy tells her that's all he's into. Oh, unless he isn't telling her because he knows she'll take away his toys... essentially using her emotions to manipulate her to keep giving him what he wants.

 

And if he's honest, and she didn't catch feelings (as we're all just assuming she did), then neat, they can just get on the FWB with everybody on the same page.

 

In other words, the OP being honest is the easiest and fastest way for him to get what he wants in an ethical manner.

[RedRobin]

Doesn't mean he should hold her head underwater and help her drown, because she doesn't know how to swim.

 

Excellent analogy. Some people play the sharks and daisies game... then blame the daisies for even jumping in the pool.... as if they deserve to get drowned by the shark. (the military folks will know what 'sharks and daisies' are).

 

Lee Mirecki incident - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

[salparadise]

Automatically I see this as 'Im looking for something more serious'. I may be wrong here, I guess this is where you guys come in. I think she is a very nice girl and we get on well, however Im not really looking for anything serious. I dont beleive I have lead her on into thinking this, but at the same time I dont want her to think that I have, and then think I was only speaking to her so i could get sex as this is not me at all.

 

I'm going to split with the other's advise to tell her in no uncertain terms... unless you're really not interested in anything with her at all. You can just tell her that you like her and think she's great but you'd prefer to not to get too serious, and do this in a way that preserves the possibility for a somewhat casual dating kind of thing. If she's only looking for a serious relationship she'll take the clue and move on. But perhaps she'd be with a not so serious kind of thing, yet not as casual as a FWB. And maybe you would be too. All I'm saying is that you can relate the necessary information in a way tell her what she needs to know, yet doesn't automatically mean FWB casual sex only. There may be common ground somewhere in between.

[verhrzn]

He's not. If he lied to get in her pants, then I would agree with your analogy. And that's an action I disagree with. But he didn't lie.

 

Also, why isn't she required to be honest about it? She wants more, so bring it up.

 

When a man and a woman have casual sex, please don't automatically assume the man is the predator and tricked her into it.

 

No, he didn't "trick" her into it... but he also didn't tell right off the bat he wasn't interested. It's not a direct lie, but it is a lie of omission. Just like it's a lie of omission if a woman sleeps with a guy, and just lets him assume she's on birth control. Well, hey, he never asked, so she didn't lie, right?

 

I'm not saying she isn't required to be honest. But she's not writing in, and the OP is. The OP is aware of his feelings; he should be honest about them. Her needing to be honest, does not mean he gets to not be. They both need to be honest.

[Solo34]

If it's just f*cking, then it's no big deal if the guy tells her that's all he's into. Oh, unless he isn't telling her because he knows she'll take away his toys... essentially using her emotions to manipulate her to keep giving him what he wants.

 

And if he's honest, and she didn't catch feelings (as we're all just assuming she did), then neat, they can just get on the FWB with everybody on the same page.

 

In other words, the OP being honest is the easiest and fastest way for him to get what he wants in an ethical manner.

 

1) He isn't using any emotions or manipulating her...she cosigned on her dotted line to do this with him.

 

2)They were just f*ck buddies, they should already be on the same page...she just probably wants to turn to the next chapter.

 

3) There is nothing "ethical" about being a f*ck buddy.

 

Get over yourself...I mean, seeing as you've done this "about 3 times," seems you still don't even know the name of the game.

[fishtaco]

No, he didn't "trick" her into it... but he also didn't tell right off the bat he wasn't interested. It's not a direct lie, but it is a lie of omission. Just like it's a lie of omission if a woman sleeps with a guy, and just lets him assume she's on birth control. Well, hey, he never asked, so she didn't lie, right?

 

Disagree, because she didn't make her intentions clear. If he lied by omission, so did she.

 

If she wanted a relationship, she should have said that's what she wanted before sex. You don't have sex first, then go oh... BTW, I want a relationship after.

 

When you have causal sex with someone, I don't think it's unreasonable to assume it's a causal relationship. Casual sex is casual. I hope that's obvious to everyone. Once that has been established, if you want to change the nature of the relationship, you have to bring it up. Why is that a bad thing?

 

People that don't want casual sex should not have casual sex.

[RedRobin]

Get over yourself...I mean, seeing as you've done this "about 3 times," seems you still don't even know the name of the game.

 

No, YOU get over yourself. Just because someone chooses to have sex with someone doesn't give the other person the green light to be a complete, lying a-hole.