Absent dad

[Silly_Girl]

I AM SO SICK AND EFFING TIRED OF THIS 'MAN'...

 

Two things really.

 

1. I'm broke. I took a job which was a third less pay because my old job was killing me and it severely limited my time available to be a mum. But it means a tight budget (although my boss and I have an agreement and I have 2 staged pay rises across the next 9 months). My son is a bit of a giant and upon returning to school needs blazer, trousers (x2), school shoes, trainers and PE kit.

 

I said I'd buy the shoes and blazer but we'd need to ask his dad for help. His dad has paid £100/mth since 2001 and I've used that and then covered 100% of the costs of our son. Never asking for anything. So I ask and get told that as I earn more I can f*** off and no amount of bitching will change the fact he's broke. There was a text row where I asked why he went on to have 2 more kids if he can't provide, and that maybe I should have had Sperm Donor written on the birth cert. since he does ZERO for our son (am pretty ashamed with how angry I got). So I will buy what I can and what??? Send my son to school in too short trousers? I could use the credit card I have put by for emergencies but why? Why should I? Why should his other children get his time and money and our son get nothing?

 

2. My son sees his dad rarely and texted to say he was going to visit family with his dad. I am pleased for my son. Only when we're both home later it transpires:

My son went in to town after school, bumped in to his cousin (dad's side) who said it was her 18th and they were 'all' going to be at Nan's house. My son rung his dad and asked to be taken. He got there and there was Nan and Grandad, Aunt, her partner and her two kids, Dad, his partner, their 2 kids and her daughter. No one missing, no one at all. Except my son. And no one had thought to invite him.

 

I had to leave the room when he told me, I filled up with tears and felt sick with anger. 2 days ago my son got really cross when I was annoyed at his dad for not stumping up even ten quid for uniform and told me he doesn't want me criticising his dad, he loves and respects him and it's not fair.

 

I spent so many years making excuses for his dad, putting positive spins on everything, not wanting my son to get the loosest vibe he was rejected etc. but I'm so ANGRY. And because I'm always the one who's there for my son, no matter what, him so strongly defending his dad (who is a total arse) FELT like my son had chosen him over me. It stung! I know it shouldn't, I understand the boy/dad thing, and that my best and only course of action is not to react to any of it, but I'm livid and so hurt for my son at these poxy crumbs (if that) he seems happy to lap up. I hate the situation, really hate it.

[Radu]

I don't think your former hubby deserves most of the blame here, sounds like his wife is a horribe bi*ch.

 

He does carry a lot of blame, for allowing her to manipulate him into not caring for his son.

 

Is 100 pounds the monthly ammount that was afforded for child support by the state ?

[Silly_Girl]

I don't think your former hubby deserves most of the blame here, sounds like his wife is a horribe bi*ch.

 

He does carry a lot of blame, for allowing her to manipulate him into not caring for his son.

 

Is 100 pounds the monthly ammount that was afforded for child support by the state ?

 

He deserves all of the blame. He has the responsibility to our son and him ALLOWING her to treat him badly for the last 10 years is beyond excusable.

 

His parents and sister should be stepping up at some point. Lazy swines.

 

The CSA decided on the £100 back then and I never went back to ask for more. I have now. I hate the hostility. He comes to my house, sits and chats to my son whilst I am there, I have always made him welcome because a) my son isn't allowed to his home and b) because he refuses to take him out, and I'd rather my son have a dad tha n no dad

Edited September 7, 2012 by Silly_Girl

[standtall]

Silly girl..I feel for your son and you as a mom. I am almost reduced to tears reading this thread. I am a believer of karma and that God watches us all..your ex will answer for this one day, but that is all you can do right now. Please keep your son in counseling, and please keep on doing your best. You son will be stronger for it.

[Ninja'sHusband]

I haven't read all the replies, but my initial thoughts are

 

1) Wow that sucks and your ex should break it off with this woman..what a witch!

2) It's really not something that's under your control unfortunately. The issue has CLEARLY been communicated. I would say it's really between your son, your ex, and his "itfriend". It's gotta suck to watch all that and feel so powerless, especially when the one hurt most is your innocent son If you're religious maybe say some prayers for all of them?

[UpwardForward]

I haven't read all the replies, but my initial thoughts are

 

2) It's really not something that's under your control unfortunately. The issue has CLEARLY been communicated. I would say it's really between your son, your ex, and his "itfriend". It's gotta suck to watch all that and feel so powerless, especially when the one hurt most is your innocent son If you're religious maybe say some prayers for all of them?

 

I agree.

 

There isn't anything that can be done. Try to not make your son feel in the middle, or defensive - as he most likely does see everything for what it is.

 

Kids do need their fathers. And once the fathers leave and fall into these second families there can be nothing but hurt.

 

Continue to be your son's rock. I have lived this as well.

 

Hopefully the counseling doesn't take away from your living expenses. If there is a way of determining/proving that your son's father can legally be expected pay more, I would seek an attorney consultation. Many times a brief first office, or telephone inquiry is complimentary.

[turnera]

There is one thing to be done. Tell your son the truth, tell him you want him to move on with you and leave his dad behind; catch up with him later, years later, when he can approach him as an adult, because he doesn't deserve to be treated like a dad right now. Your son needs to hear this from you. He is torn between loving you and needing his dad. But he'll never get his dad, not the way he should have. So it's time to grow up and stop wishing for what he'll never have.

 

It's the safest way for him to deal with this intact. My dad dumped me and my brother when we were early teens, and it haunted my brother for the rest of his life. Suicide attempts, therapy, self-hatred...all because he kept hoping his dad would suddenly remember he was alive.

 

Take him away from that. Tell him the truth. Let him grieve now, instead of spending his life wondering why he's not good enough.

[whichwayisup]

He deserves all of the blame. He has the responsibility to our son and him ALLOWING her to treat him badly for the last 10 years is beyond excusable.

 

His parents and sister should be stepping up at some point. Lazy swines.

 

The CSA decided on the £100 back then and I never went back to ask for more. I have now. I hate the hostility. He comes to my house, sits and chats to my son whilst I am there, I have always made him welcome because a) my son isn't allowed to his home and b) because he refuses to take him out, and I'd rather my son have a dad tha n no dad

 

They should be ashamed of themselves too, not only your exazzhole ex. Seriously, wtf is wrong with them all? Are they are inbred or something?

 

Your son knows what his dad is all about. He sees the bad and the ugly yet he is still wanting his dad in his life..He loves him, faults and all, unconditionally. That's a good quality to have but at the same time it always keeps your son at a place where his dad can hurt him.

 

Your son knows what this is doing to you and you're handling this in a fair way by not stopping him to see his dad. In time, your son will gravitate totally back to you..He always does so don't doubt that, ever!

 

It hurts when they pull back, or want to be around the other parent, yet in your situation it's worse because the ex is SUCH a f...... well, you know!