Strength Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 ok well my girlfriend and i broke up in february this year... she said she did it because she was sad and that she thought she would be improving her life. we still consider each other our best friend which makes it very hard, we were best friends before we started going on but it was my first relationship and i wanted to take things slowly, whilst she knew what she wanted etc... she was keen to move in to a place with me last year and i kind of avoided it and delayed and it made her lose total confidence in us and our relationship and in me that i was really looking to spend my life with her. so we broke up and after a few weeks, we had a few concerts to attend together and it was fun and everything and we had great time hanging out again. she had planned a 5 week holiday in america with her best friend who is in a long term relationship. the final week or 2 before she left, we started to hook up again and it was probably the best time we had spent together in over a year. i could see the love in her eyes, you cant fake that. anyways she left for overseas and we both decided it was really nice the time we had before she went and we would figure out our own heads during our time apart and see if we could understand what made sense to do, when she got back. the first week she was away, she was skyping me a lot and saying how much she loved me and missed me.... then one day, she just emotionally turned off like a robot. she was a week into her trip and she just changed. i didnt want to fight with her via skype and decided to really try and let her enjoy her holiday, but really i was dying back here in australia. i was full of anxiety and fear and unknowing about how she could just flick a switch and change so drastically emotionally. she got back and a few days later we had a big chat and she told me that she slept with someone overseas, towards the end of her trip. she had emotionally detached herself from me in the off chance that she met someone she wanted to sleep with so she wouldnt feel as guilty about it. she pretty much admitted that. this is what i expected she would say when she got back, i read her so well and know how he mind works but i just didnt want to think the worst, even though i was confident i knew what happened. i really put everything on the table for the next couple days and told her what i wanted to give her (everything) but she didnt want to give it another go. so i cut her off. deleted her from facebook and just stopped contacting her at all. her best friend isnt talking to her either because of what she did overseas and how she acted. her best friend did not appreciate being put in the position she was and now my ex has lost her 2 best friends at the moment and is extremely upset. she has put me through the ringer for the last 4 months with her selfishness and her complete lack of care for my emotions. but i still love her so much. i love her and also feel like she needs to feel like she has made me feel, i am stubborn and feel totally wronged by what she did, and she needs to feel a bit of that so she can become a better person. i saw her out friday night as we have the whole same group of mates and she asked me to come round to a gathering she was having saturday etc... shes trying to get me back as her best friend but i dont want to be her best friend if i cant be with her. it doesnt work like that for me. i need all or nothing i feel. she tried calling me 10 times on the way home friday night and was sending me messages, i was with her best friend who saw all of this and now wants to talk to her even less. but i just want to help her so much but i dont want to be used any more. i heard that she is planning to go back to america to hang out with this dude she hooked up with for a week or something.. thats so much money to be spending on catching up with a guy she met on the rebound from me. she obviously felt this guy made her feel special when she was in a down spot mourning over our breakup.... overseas, exciting places, exciting times, meet someone knew who makes you feel good about yourself for a couple days... you can understand her wanting to feel that again, especially with how crap she feels her not having her 2 best friends. but she would be making an epic mistake. i want to talk to her and tell her how it is but i only want to do it if theres a chance we can get back together, otherwise shes not worth my time of day, seeing her friday and having her send me messages and missed calls just brought some of that whole anxiety back to me that i was doing so well to kind of move past. i feel jealous of her planning to go back over there to see that guy, even though i accept we currently arent together, i just feel like its her rubbing my nose in what she did when she was on her holiday. i dont think i could ever be friends with her if she actually went through with it and went back there. which is so so sad because we really are best friends. i want her to feel some of my pain so that she can be a better person, i want to be with her but if i cant, i feel like ive been cheated so badly that i need to exact some revenge on her. i know thats selfish in itself but she cant ruin peoples lives with such selfishness and think its ok. i really want to be her best friend but it has to be as a couple, otherwise shes been able to completely screw me over and hold onto me as a friend..... if she committed her heart to healing me i would totally forgive her for her actions, but if she expects me to forgive her and be her friend and still go see this dude again, thats just not going to happen. she sent me a text saturday morning saying "im sad coz i thought i was making my life better and i only made it 100 times worse" i replied "you broke up with me becuase u were sad and now it seems you are sadder" and she said "exactly" i dont know what to think or do or whether my best chance is to keep at arms distance or whether this is the time to make my move and hang out with her a bit and hope that my timing is right and that theres a chance that she can love me again. i know i am the best person for her and the only one that is able to help her deal with her self issues of self-esteem, confidence and depression. it is these things that 'make' her do some of what she does, shes got a lot of personal demons from her past but you still have to take responsibility for your own actions i know. help me obi-internet-kinobi... youre my only hope!
Jaded82 Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Ok mate, look at the facts. She "loved" you intensely until the moment someone else came along, at which point she slept with them with no regard for your feelings. Not only that but she stopped talking to you altogether to make herself feel less guilty for her actions. You have to ask yourself, was she emotionally detaching? Or was she ever REALLY attached in the first place. You told her you wanted to try again, and give her everything as you put it, yet she wasn't interested. She is still going to go back and see this guy, yet she wants you in her life as a friend? The text message she sent you is just breadcrumbs. She wants to keep you on her emotional puppet strings, there in the background as a safety net in case anything goes wrong with this guy in America. I'm sorry to say this mate, but you're holding on to false hopes of reconciliation. The biggest thing to remember is that actions speak louder than words. Don't misconstrue her actions as confusion, or demons from her past. She knew exactly what she was doing when she decided to sleep with that guy, and every action she's taken since then. I've been here before myself, so I can relate to your pain and I KNOW how much it hurts. That said, this girl will jerk you around as long as you let her, until the day she gets bored and then flat out ignores you, and then you've got the healing process to start all over again. You can't be friends with her, you're too emotionally invested, it will only set you back further and cause you more heartache knowing what she is up to. I'd recommend going NC, and moving on with your life the best way you can. Her issues are her issues by the way, since she walked away from the relationship you owe her nothing. Pandering to her by still caring about her issues will just make you look weak, and will likely go unappreciated. Do yourself a huge favour, and start thinking about you. Best of luck. 1
Author Strength Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 i know you are right.... and i know in my own head what i need to do and ive done really well with no contact for the past 3 weeks. she contacted me in email last week and i have just been responding in a nice way but not at all investing any time into it. we have to be civil as we have the same group of friends and its going to stay that way forever. its that last bit of hope that i cant seem to shake and/or dont want to shake.... i think she used me before she went away to make herself feel better about herself and then after a week into her trip, decided that with all her distractions around her, she was going to be fine and then a couple weeks after that, met this dude on the rebound and he made her feel great for a couple days and now she thinks that is something to chase. her severe lack of self esteem and her ability to easily fall into this depression shes feeling since getting back and losing her best 2 friends, obviously is making going back over there look better and better by the day. i think you are right about false hopes of reconciliation.... its just really shattering because i was just starting to feel like i could spend my life with her, when she was thinking that it was never going to last coz she was holding onto how i made her feel early in the relationship, which was insecure. those feelings got stuck within her and with her own struggles, they just wouldnt subside. shes definitely trying to use me as emotional support and i would LOVE to give it to her, if it meant that there was a chance for us. otherwise i cant do it to myself, i cannot slide back into the anxiety and hurt that she caused me by me being her emotional sponge. so i wont give her the support unless im sure that she wants to give us another chance, but the other slight question i have is that by giving her the support and by her seeing me as a new person in her life again, could that bring about the start of a new beginning? you just dont know, and i want to find out if its REMOTELY possible, and if it isnt, then we are done, but if it is possible, i just wish i knew how i needed to act to give that hope a chance to flourish. does that make sense?
Chi townD Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Totally agree with Jaded. I would also suggest that you plan your revenge. The best revenge you can have is to lead a damn good life. Get a new haircut and buy a new wardrobe. Take her Ex friend with you if she has a fashion sense about her. Go back to school, get a better career going for you with better pay. And if she's taking trips...you go take trips. Backpack through Europe, go see the Great Wall of China, book a expedition to Antartica. Go sunning in the Bahamas. See the world! Believe me, she'll keep tabs on you without you knowing it. And it's gonna burn her ass knowing that you are capable of moving on without her. 2
Jaded82 Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 It does make sense, yes, and by the sounds of this you have a lot of this clear in your head already about the reasons she used you, and self-esteem being the underlying reasons behind it. However, it doesn't justify her hurting you the way she did and this is what concerns me.. so i wont give her the support unless im sure that she wants to give us another chance, but the other slight question i have is that by giving her the support and by her seeing me as a new person in her life again, could that bring about the start of a new beginning? you just dont know, and i want to find out if its REMOTELY possible, and if it isnt, then we are done, but if it is possible, i just wish i knew how i needed to act to give that hope a chance to flourish. That's the false hope again. I sincerely doubt she will give you another chance, and even if she did, it would likely end the same way. There is rarely such a thing as a new beginning, because all of this would always be in the back of your mind no matter how good things could possibly get. Do you really want to be walking on eggshells your entire relationship? Not knowing from one moment to the next if she's going to be in your life the next week/day/hour? If you want to know if there is a remote possibility of reconciling, then push her for answers. She owes you that much at least. The problem with doing that is you probably won't get anything that will put your mind at ease. Something along the lines of "maybe one day we can get back together" or "I just need space right now" is a pretty typical non-committal response which ultimately means "I don't want you back, I just don't want you moving on yet until I'm well and truly done with you." For the record, you don't need to act in any way to try and get her back. Unfortunately, if she wanted to be with you, she would. It really is that simple. With regards to your social circle, I would take a break from being anywhere that she is right now. I know it doesn't seem fair, but it's damage control for your own feelings, which are way more important right now. I think either way you need to find some closure on this issue, mate. Living in limbo sucks, and you can't do it forever. You'll feel better once you've made a decision as to what you're doing with regards to the situation, whatever it may be. Personally, I hope you decide to let go and move on. From personal experience its the only way to deal with this situation, people like her don't change. Hope this helps.
Author Strength Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 thankyou so much for that response, you too Chi. ahhhh love.... so rewarding yet so painful and unforgiving. im always going to look back on this chapter of my life with such regret. we really are fantastically similar in so many ways, just bad timing with her having had other relationships and me entering my first one, we just couldnt be wanting the same thing at the same time and now its too late. the limbo i was in for 3 months has really damaged my addrenals and my nerves and my anxiety that im very edgy a lot of the time and as a result tired and emotionally stressed. i hope i can break this vicious cycle at some stage because its really affecting my health! im so sad that she wouldnt give us another chance, especially after how awesome it was hanging out with her for those two weeks before she went away.... it was the best time we had together apart from the honeymoon. for that i will be grateful but regret at my own actions early in the relationship and how they made her view us with such little faith, i wont easily let go of. i was bad at the start, then she was bad at the end and then she dragged me through the mud which leaves a massive bad taste in my mouth and feelings of being cheated on and used. my favourite thing in my entire life ever was helping her deal with her issues. knowing that i could make a real difference to how she felt and thought... all ive ever wanted to do is care for her and look after her, and now she is alone with her own pain and it makes me sad and it makes me think shes only going to get more hurt as she tries to get over this depressing point in her life.
Jaded82 Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Don't regret anything, forgive yourself for your past mistakes! We all make mistakes, without exception. The key thing is that you have recognized your mistakes, and because of that you will learn from the experience, and won't make the same mistakes in your next relationship. I'm sorry to hear that this has affected your health, but that is just another reason to put some distance between you. Your health will return, along with your happiness in due course. By all means take some time to grieve the loss, just try not to wallow, because that can lead to more serious problems. After that, focus on yourself. Re-build your self confidence, meet new people, take up new hobbies, better yourself in general. There is a woman out there who is right for you, but all the time you are hung up on this one, you leave yourself closed to any new opportunities. It may not be the right time for you now, but it's something to consider later on. Whatever happens, you will come through this a far stronger, wiser man, and somewhere down the line you'll be able to look back on this with indifference.
Author Strength Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 youre right. i am a completely different man from when i first entered the relationship.... i was a big kid who just liked to party and not care about anything in the world. i learnt so much about how important it is really communicate and trust the person you are with. i wont say i regret my inability to communicate then, i will say that i have learned a lot. i started to get some health issues during the relationship mainly due to stress/anxiety and i am struggling to this day with them. i am a good person who just wants to be happy and have those i care about happy. i appreciate now the smaller things in life and how they really do mean things when you care about someone. simple things. i dont sit on my xbox all the time now playing games and i talk to people about stuff that is important. i am a far better person mentally, than i was without this relationship, even if i still bear a lot of the scars from it both emotionally and mentally (stress/anxiety). i will always be grateful for learning how to love from my ex and what it really means. i had never been in love before. now i know it and it makes me miss it. before i just didnt know what i was missing. i have learnt so so much that i guess i shouldnt look back with only regret, but really to my own awakening as a REAL person rather than just a kid continuing to float through life hiding from reality.
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