Ruby Slippers Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 So, I went on my first official date from online dating on Friday. I've been dating lately, but I met the guys in other ways. It was a good date, which we both kept stretching out, and he walked me to the train station at the end, gave me a little kiss and a hug, and said more than once: "I'll call you Sunday night." The thing I like best about this guy so far is that he's very honest and straight-shooting. Everything he has said he would do, he's done. He calls when he says he's going to call and so on, with Swiss clock-like reliability. But he didn't call Sunday night. I logged into the dating site around 10:30 pm to check a new message, and his picture popped up as "Online Now". So I figured he had second thoughts and just wasn't that interested. No problem. My interest in him was moderate. I wasn't bowled over, but I thought I'd go on another date or two and see. He's great on paper, but I think he takes a while to really let his personality out. So, he texts me this morning, apologizing for not calling yesterday, saying he had a busy day and went to bed early, and will call me tonight. I'm thinking, "Whatever, I saw you on the dating site, dude." I'm thinking that if his interest was good to high, he would have called like he said he would, or at least texted to say he had a busy day and would call tomorrow. That he didn't call or text suggests to me his interest is low to moderate. Like I said, my interest was moderate, so this doesn't hurt my feelings at all. If he's not into me, I'd rather not waste my time going on more dates with him, and use my energy to line up new dates. What do y'all think? Should I go out with this guy again, or take it as a sign of low to moderate interest and not bother?
Philosoraptor Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 If you're interested enough you should go for it. I wouldn't be making the first move here though. 1
gaius Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 What do y'all think? Should I go out with this guy again, or take it as a sign of low to moderate interest and not bother? I would pass since you're not that into him and he's started lying already. If you're gonna date a bull**** artist they should at least be good at it. What a sloppy lie that was. 1
zengirl Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 I wouldn't bother. Doesn't sound like R potential to me. 1
Imajerk17 Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 My short answer: Take his call if/when he calls you tonight. Tell him that consistency in a man is important to you, and that one of the things you like about him so far is that he has been doing what he says he has been doing. Your bringing up this issue positively might inspire him to keep living up to his past good behavior. My longer answer: The issue isn't at this point his interest level. I don't really get why women seem to expect the guy's interest to already be high from the beginning when her own interest level is still only "moderate". He's allowed to be sussing you out as you are doing with him. Instead, the issue isn't that he didn't keep his word. Everyone should be allowed a small mistake IMO, and at least he texted you the next morning. (As far as registering as being online, maybe he didn't log out from a session earlier in the day? My point is that there is plenty of reasonable doubt. 5
Author Ruby Slippers Posted June 11, 2012 Author Posted June 11, 2012 I would pass since you're not that into him and he's started lying already. If you're gonna date a bull**** artist they should at least be good at it. What a sloppy lie that was. Yeah, I think the fact that he was on the site in the evening shows that obviously he wasn't so busy that he couldn't have stuck to what he said he would do. Given that my interest was only moderate, after this episode, I'm not feeling it. I think I'll text him and point out the inconsistency, so he'll know exactly why I'm not interested in continuing. My instincts told me to bail - just wanted some outside opinions. So thanks for that 1
zanesfan Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 Although he should have called and explained that he was tired and would talk to you tomorrow, It was still one time. If it happens again I would keep it moving!
Author Ruby Slippers Posted June 11, 2012 Author Posted June 11, 2012 I already cut him loose, and told him why. He was very polite with his response. I think he just wasn't that interested but didn't have the balls to tell me straight up. I'm not bothered about it. I wasn't that interested in him, either. I would have gone an another date or two to see if things developed more, but I don't see it as any big loss. I'm already on the lookout for next weekend's date. 3
ShannanDope Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 Go with your gut. Seriously. Instinct is a powerful tool. 2
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 I think, in general, you shouldn't be that fixated on interest levels this early on. I often get high interest levels that fizzle out very quickly. Some men are just cautious. I do look for matching interest levels, rather than his being high. If both are low and non-committal, it can be kept going without any negative effects. It's when you expect more and feel let down that it becomes a problem. I am currently seeing someone (well 3 dates so far) and both of our interest levels are low to moderate (I would say). I barely notice when I don't hear from him for a few days, but I let him do most of the initiating and all of the asking out.
Janesays Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 Logging in and out of a dating site means nothing. When I was online dating, I used the phone app to log in. And then it would stay on for hours since my task killer sucked balls. Interest levels after one date SHOULD be low. Super high interest after one date would be strange to me. I'd be like, 'dude, calm down. You barely know me.' 1
oaks Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 (edited) Everything he has said he would do, he's done. He calls when he says he's going to call and so on, with Swiss clock-like reliability. So he's been reliable over a number of things, but just once he slips up and doesn't do what he says and you're worried that his interest is low? It's almost as if you're looking for an excuse to not see him again, but then again you're not really that bothered yourself. I think you already know what to do here. Edit: and now I see that you already have. Edited June 11, 2012 by oaks 1
Author Ruby Slippers Posted June 11, 2012 Author Posted June 11, 2012 So he's been reliable over a number of things, but just once he slips up and doesn't do what he says and you're worried that his interest is low? It wasn't just that. He didn't give any clear signs of interest on the date, either. He's kind of a low-key person who doesn't seem to get that excited, so it was hard to tell if he was having fun or not at all. I was laughing, expressive, clearly having fun. He did not even touch me once, until the quick kiss at the very end. The impression he gave me was: "She'll do." And honestly, that's how I felt about him. I think that if he'd shown more enthusiasm, I would have felt more excited, too. But I felt like I was carrying the fun all by myself. Lame. I think contact after the first meeting is very important. If I was a guy and went on a date with a woman I even moderately liked, I'd text her the next day to tell her so and at least say hi. He let the whole weekend go by with nothing. Why tell me emphatically at least 3 times "I'll call you Sunday night", then not do it? That he didn't follow through on that, and didn't even take 2 minutes to text and put it off till the next day, was very lame, I thought. And then he just gave in so easily when I called him on it - so I think that was his way of letting me down easy. It's almost as if you're looking for an excuse to not see him again, but then again you're not really that bothered yourself. I was actually hoping he'd give me a reason to be a little more excited about seeing him again. But he didn't.
Oxy Moronovich Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 Logging in and out of a dating site means nothing. When I was online dating, I used the phone app to log in. And then it would stay on for hours since my task killer sucked balls. Interest levels after one date SHOULD be low. Super high interest after one date would be strange to me. I'd be like, 'dude, calm down. You barely know me.' The first paragraph is true. Many sites where you have to register allow you the option of staying logged in even when you're offline (LS, for example). The second paragraph is true too. Interest after the 1st date should be low. The first girl I ever fell in love with my interest in her was "meh" when we first met. Several months later we were spending hours on the phone talking about how much we loved each other and our future together. Similarly, with my current gf, I felt little interest at first, but now my interest level in her is huge. I think that's why so many people don't get into potentially good relationships. They worry about initial interest levels and don't realize interest will increase overtime if two are compatible.
threebyfate Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 I already cut him loose, and told him why. He was very polite with his response. I think he just wasn't that interested but didn't have the balls to tell me straight up. I'm not bothered about it. I wasn't that interested in him, either. I would have gone an another date or two to see if things developed more, but I don't see it as any big loss. I'm already on the lookout for next weekend's date. As a guess, he's multi-dating and was connecting with someone on Sunday night so he didn't want to interrupt the flow by calling you. So yes, low interest, keeping his options open. You made the right move. 1
Author Ruby Slippers Posted June 11, 2012 Author Posted June 11, 2012 The first paragraph is true. Many sites where you have to register allow you the option of staying logged in even when you're offline (LS, for example). The second paragraph is true too. Interest after the 1st date should be low. The first girl I ever fell in love with my interest in her was "meh" when we first met. Several months later we were spending hours on the phone talking about how much we loved each other and our future together. Similarly, with my current gf, I felt little interest at first, but now my interest level in her is huge. I think that's why so many people don't get into potentially good relationships. They worry about initial interest levels and don't realize interest will increase overtime if two are compatible. Y'all make some good points... but the fact remains that he said - several times - he'd call on Sunday, but did not. And he couldn't even take 2 minutes to text and put it off. That just doesn't compute for me. No one is that busy. When I say I'm going to do something, I do it - unless an emergency comes up or something. Every guy I've ever been serious with was the same way. I have a very low tolerance for flakiness - with friends, clients, and dates. It works for me.
Feelsgoodman Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 I already cut him loose, and told him why. He was very polite with his response. I think he just wasn't that interested but didn't have the balls to tell me straight up. I'm not bothered about it. I wasn't that interested in him, either. I would have gone an another date or two to see if things developed more, but I don't see it as any big loss. I'm already on the lookout for next weekend's date. Apparently, bothered enough to starts a thread about it...and repeatedly state that your interest in this guy was only "moderate". AND actively get in touch with him and give him your reasons for why there wouldn't be another date. You are not fooling anyone When a woman can't be bothered with a certain guy, she just acts like he doen't exist. Having said that, I think your instincts were correct. If his response to you "reaching out" was one of "polite understanding" rather than "WTF is she talking about", he likely wasn't very interested to begin with. Perhaps you were his backup plan. 1
Janesays Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 I have a very low tolerance for flakiness - with friends, clients, and dates. It works for me. Define 'working.' If your intent is to Internet date for the rest of your life to people you claim to have only 'moderate interest' for is what your ultimate goal is, then I agree. It appears it's working for you just fine.
Author Ruby Slippers Posted June 11, 2012 Author Posted June 11, 2012 Apparently, bothered enough to starts a thread about it...and repeatedly state that your interest in this guy was only "moderate". AND actively get in touch with him and give him your reasons for why there wouldn't be another date. You are not fooling anyone When a woman can't be bothered with a certain guy, she just acts like he doen't exist. My interest was moderate. If it was high, I would say that. I have no reason to lie. When I had high interest in this bouncer a while back, I was totally forthright about that. I wanted that guy bad, from the get-go I responded to his text to tell him why I wasn't interested in talking again. I don't just ignore people. I think that's very rude. I don't multi-date. I fairly assess one person at a time, then make a clear decision one way or the other. I made my decision, and communicated it clearly, giving a solid reason why. I think this is good manners in dating. Having said that, I think your instincts were correct. If his response to you "reaching out" was one of "polite understanding" rather than "WTF is she talking about", he likely wasn't very interested to begin with. Perhaps you were his backup plan. Yes. From what he told me about his dating experiences, it sounds like he's just looking for someone who will do. If that's all I wanted, I've already had 2 dozen opportunities for that. I'm looking for more than just a warm body.
Author Ruby Slippers Posted June 11, 2012 Author Posted June 11, 2012 Define 'working.' If your intent is to Internet date for the rest of your life to people you claim to have only 'moderate interest' for is what your ultimate goal is, then I agree. It appears it's working for you just fine. If all you can find online are flakes, then I'm sure I'll get tired of it fast and try something else. I'm in no rush. And I'd rather be alone than be with someone I'm blah about.
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