Issues with my relationship/marriage.

[carhill]

My advice:

 

Sell the ice cream truck/business and invest some of the proceeds on counseling to assist the marriage, as well as on estate/divorce planning legal help. Dial back the upwardly mobile lifestyle.

 

My rationale for this? One, such actions prioritize the M and also dial back income in case things go sideways. Two, an angry man who cusses out his wife is not an effective leader. Regardless of her actions, you have other choices which are more effective and health-promoting, for everyone.

 

You can always build another side business. Often, in life, you get one shot at a healthy family. You may be very close to losing both. Trust me, it happens. Good luck.

[nofool4u]

My advice:

 

Sell the ice cream truck/business and invest some of the proceeds on counseling to assist the marriage, as well as on estate/divorce planning legal help. Dial back the upwardly mobile lifestyle.

 

My rationale for this? One, such actions prioritize the M and also dial back income in case things go sideways. Two, an angry man who cusses out his wife is not an effective leader. Regardless of her actions, you have other choices which are more effective and health-promoting, for everyone.

 

You can always build another side business. Often, in life, you get one shot at a healthy family. You may be very close to losing both. Trust me, it happens. Good luck.

 

I agree completely. I also agree about the cussing, although throwing in an F bomb once in a while isn't out of the question, its just emotions running high.

 

If he is cussing at her by calling her inappropriate names, that is completely unacceptable.

 

I don't know about selling the business. He can probably afford counseling without doing that. But sounds like he might want to because if she won't clean the house, he is going to have to do it. He'll need to extra time.

[Janesays]

Oh thats your disclaimer to cover up your agenda. You never once said she should be in jail too.

 

She's not here. Or I'd tell her.

 

He already said this is out of character for him, saying that this is a rarity that he would get so angry for throwing anything.

 

This isn't a guy who goes around throwing stuff all the time like the monster you paint him to be. He let his anger get the better of him and he needs to put that in check.

He said it was a RARITY for him. Did he define rarity? No, he didn't. Neither did I. "Rarity" could mean once a year or once a week.

 

All we both know for sure is this ISN'T the first time it's happened. Or else he would have said, "I've never done this before." He didn't say that.

 

Personally, I think one time is too many to lose control to this point. Let alone multiple times.

 

Then again, I can control myself.

Edited June 13, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[carhill]

I don't know about selling the business. He can probably afford counseling without doing that. But sounds like he might want to because if she won't clean the house, he is going to have to do it. He'll need to extra time.

 

My instinct is that he could monetarily afford counseling currently, but there's also the time investment counseling requires, both inside and outside of the therapist's office. I know how businesses can run a person's life if they choose to let them. Liquidating, even if money was no object, sends a strong signal that he is willing to make compromises to preserve the health of his family.

 

OP, what's your take on this? What bend do you propose to offer up here? What boundaries is that bend predicated upon?

[nofool4u]

I'm trying to be honest with the post, it's very tough being a leader in a relationship with a partner not as motivated as you are or even remotely close. This has been eating at me for years. This is the first time in 9 years she hasn't talked to me, i'm extremely bitter about her taking my son and refusing to let me see him or talk to her.

 

Greg

 

Well you must know, you didn't do yourself any favors here. I understand your anger and frustration, and while I won't get down on you for letting your emotions get the better of you and slamming your laptop on the floor or a cereal container against the wall, you shouldn't have kicked her, even though she was out of line slapping you.

 

Regardless of how she is, you can only control YOU. Plan to get counseling, work on your issues. I realize this is a "rarity" for you, but what does that mean? How many times have you thrown things?

 

You need to get help if this is a pattern. Even if its not, you need counseling on how to deal with your anger when your wife doesn't seem to want to lift a finger for anything. I understand that, I get it, I had an X that was the exact same. Lazy to the core.

 

So if you ever have another argument, REFRAIN from throwing anything. A few cuss words here and there is perfectly normal, as long as the cuss words aren't words slung at her like "bitch" or something of that nature. Then if she slaps you, call the cops.

 

But please, try to control your temper, especially around your child. They don't need to see that, just like the child didn't need to see her slap you.

[MissBee]

You need professional help to manage your anger. Your wife and baby seem to be in danger.

 

You seem to be self-absorbed and selfish, throwing huge tantrums because your wife scheduled herself to work and hasn't devoted all her time to doing what YOU want?

 

You are out of line and inappropriate and abusive and I suggest that you seek counseling, as the more you talk, the more it becomes apparent that you have a huge problem and unless you fix it, things won't improve in your home.

 

Your wife was right to leave with the baby...I would too if my husband was flying off the handle like that. She is SCARED for herself and your son. You clearly don't know how to control yourself and I can imagine you are one of those who may do something horribly violent, then when it calms down try to apologize and say you don't know how it got to that point. She shouldn't wait around to see just how far your rage will go. You really need help to control yourself and I suggest you worry about that foremost before trying to fix your wife and control her. AFTER you have a handle on you, for your son's sake at least, then you guys can address the marriage.

[nofool4u]

You need professional help to manage your anger. Your wife and baby seem to be in danger.

 

While he does need help with how to deal with his emotions, I don't think they seem to be in danger. I don't see a pattern here, and he recognizes what he did in the heat of it all was wrong.

[MissBee]

While he does need help with how to deal with his emotions, I don't think they seem to be in danger. I don't see a pattern here, and he recognizes what he did in the heat of it all was wrong.

 

If one has anger issues usually it escalates over time....if he doesn't get help, who knows what he'll do the next time he has a hissy fit.

 

Abusive people aren't unaware of the wrongs they do....hence when they do it they apologize. They just have an inability to stop themselves from doing it. So for me, I don't see him admitting he was wrong, as reason to believe he has learned and won't do it again.

 

But yea...bottom line...he needs anger management.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Also, please note that there has been complaining about how little she does and the label of "deadbeat" applied, but the ragefest we are hearing about was provoked by her scheduling to work.

 

Just not doing what the OP wants her to do, but working.

 

For those of you who want to believe that this woman is just a dolittle.

[Janesays]

Also, please note that there has been complaining about how little she does and the label of "deadbeat" applied, but the ragefest we are hearing about was provoked by her scheduling to work.

 

Just not doing what the OP wants her to do, but working.

 

For those of you who want to believe that this woman is just a dolittle.

 

THANK YOU, Mme! I thought I was the only one who noticed it. He flipped out not because the house wasn't picked up, but that she scheduled to WORK at a REAL JOB and not run his stupid ice cream truck.

 

I wish I could triple-like your post.

[peace-maker17]

Hi all,

 

She came home today and we sat down and discussed everything, we are starting marriage counseling tommorow. I think i've accepted I can't change my wife and she can't change me. For those of you saying I need anger management, this was a one time incident. I appreciate all the advice and help.

 

Greg

[peace-maker17]

I would bet even money you cussing her is NOT a one time incident. Good luck with counseling.

 

Of course not, we cuss each other out all the time.

[carhill]

Normal in Brooklyn

 

OP, seriously, if you want counseling to help, it's going to take commitment. You're going to have to let go of some of that 'take charge' and 'get 'er done' philosophy. If you're an alpha male, counseling will be tough on you, IMO. You may want to quit; scratch that; you'll likely want to quit because it'll appear as a waste of time. It sounds good right now. Make a commitment now. My recommendation would be six months of weekly sessions. Then review. Meaningful change takes time and effort. Sure beats the alternative (sideways). Good luck.

[peace-maker17]

Normal in Brooklyn

 

OP, seriously, if you want counseling to help, it's going to take commitment. You're going to have to let go of some of that 'take charge' and 'get 'er done' philosophy. If you're an alpha male, counseling will be tough on you, IMO. You may want to quit; scratch that; you'll likely want to quit because it'll appear as a waste of time. It sounds good right now. Make a commitment now. My recommendation would be six months of weekly sessions. Then review. Meaningful change takes time and effort. Sure beats the alternative (sideways). Good luck.

 

Ohh I agree, i'm very high strung and have some anxiety issues. I do more in one day than most people do in a 3-4. I can't stand anything hanging over my head, I just do it all and move on. Of course that's an endless tireless cycle. I guess you could say i'm a workaholic but I do take time out for my family, especially now with the issues going on. We are just going to do marriage counseling for now and look into other offerings at a later date.

 

Greg

[carhill]

FWIW, it took about eight months for the MC to really start to sink in for me. Perhaps I'm no example because the take-away was an amicable divorce but I view marriage and relationships completely differently now and it's been a life-changing experience. Also, I'm a bit older and some of my friends are getting ill and dying and I, along with them, are seeing the benefits of things other than work as a definer of life, family being amongst them.

 

Guard against thinking you can MC a 'fix' to this, then move on like it's another project completed. This one will complete when you're dead

[Janesays]

Normal in Brooklyn

 

Doesn't make it a healthy environment to raise a child in.

[Bright Shadow]

For those of you saying I need anger management, this was a one time incident.

Yes. But. It's clear that it's an example of something that's built up into a fairly severe incident. You need to find ways to release the tension as it builds.

[nofool4u]

If one has anger issues usually it escalates over time....if he doesn't get help, who knows what he'll do the next time he has a hissy fit.

 

Abusive people aren't unaware of the wrongs they do....hence when they do it they apologize. They just have an inability to stop themselves from doing it. So for me, I don't see him admitting he was wrong, as reason to believe he has learned and won't do it again.

 

But yea...bottom line...he needs anger management.

 

I agree. He needs to get help, learn to deal with crap situations when thrown at him. I was just saying this isn't a pattern and I don't think his family is in danger.

 

I don't think any one of us can say we haven't lost it at one time or another. Doesn't mean we are going to go postal, just sometimes the pressure gets too much.

 

As far as what was said in the heat of their argument for him to lose control like that, who knows. OP, if you care to elaborate, it would be nice to know just what kind of words were said that got you to the point of throwing your laptop on the floor and a box of cereal at the wall.

[nofool4u]

Also, please note that there has been complaining about how little she does and the label of "deadbeat" applied, but the ragefest we are hearing about was provoked by her scheduling to work.

 

Just not doing what the OP wants her to do, but working.

 

For those of you who want to believe that this woman is just a dolittle.

 

He said that she would rather be at home raising the child. Later on he vaguely mentioned her scheduling "work". Is this like a once a week thing, twice? Is it barely a part time job? It isn't real clear.

 

But the majority of her "job" IS staying home and raising the kids and its not unreasonable of him to expect her to keep the house picked up and buy groceries if he is working a full time job and a side job for extra income for the family.

 

So if she is working just a few hours a week, his concern of her not doing anything around the house or buying groceries is understandable. My X was the same way. Full time she was a SAHM. But once in a while, she'd help out at her father in-law's shop, but I would come home from a 8 to 12 hour job and have to pick up the house when she has been home all day.

 

So working a few hours a week doesn't relieve her of the responsibility of being a SAHM. She needs to do her part.

[nofool4u]

Hi all,

 

She came home today and we sat down and discussed everything, we are starting marriage counseling tommorow. I think i've accepted I can't change my wife and she can't change me. For those of you saying I need anger management, this was a one time incident. I appreciate all the advice and help.

 

Greg

 

Well you still need to find a way to deal with crap that is thrown at you one way or the other.

 

But looks like you are simply stuck. You are going to have to put up with it, work 2 jobs, then come home and take care of the house, then go buy groceries.

 

It sucks, I know, but doesn't seem like you have a choice. She aint gonna do it.

 

Clarification, what kind of "work" is she scheduling, and how many hours a week does she do it? And is this like a once in a blue moon thing she does when the mood strikes her? You are being very vague on those points.

 

If she works 40 hours a week, then it doesn't jive with the SAHM you wrote about in the first post. And if its on average 8 or 16 hours a week, then she needs to take care of the house, buy groceries, etc. Sitting at home with your kid and doing nothing else is not work. Hell, thing is, once you have a picked up house, it doesn't take that much time to pick up things at the end of the day. And buying groceries would take a whole hour out of her day.

 

But doesn't seem like she is ever going to do that, so you are just going to have to put up with it, work 2 jobs, then come home and pick up her slack.

 

Good luck to you on that.

[nofool4u]

Yes. But. It's clear that it's an example of something that's built up into a fairly severe incident. You need to find ways to release the tension as it builds.

 

I agree.

 

Peace, here is a suggestion. Instead of working well more than full time hours, then coming home and having to do everything else, ditch the "everything else" and go to the gym.

Nothing fuels a workout more than frustration. Not only will you burn off those frustrations in a positive way, you'll look freakin' great!!!

[soserious1]

Greg, you have ZERO RIGHT to feel 'resentful' and 'hurtful' that she left and took her son. Instead, you should be down on your knees KISSING HER FEET because had she been a normal, healthy woman not suffering from depression, she would have called the cops, had you charged with assault, and served your out-of-control butt with divorce papers WHILE YOU WERE IN JAIL, WHERE YOU BELONG.

 

Screaming and throwing things? Hitting and kicking her? IN FRONT OF YOUR YOUNG IMPRESSIONAL SON?

 

Greg, I am a HUGE advocate of men's rights when it comes to custody, child support, divorce court, etc and even *I* think I'd hestitate before I'd let a child around you. And HE L L TO THE NO would I speak to you, call you, tell you where I am.....

 

That wouldn't be SAFE for her or your BABY.

 

As I said, get down on your knees and THANK HER for not calling the cops. And seek counseling STAT. And know that if you ever scream, throw things, and hit her again, you lose any 'rights' you think you have.

 

Not for anything here but this guy's wife hit him first...

[soserious1]

Also, please note that there has been complaining about how little she does and the label of "deadbeat" applied, but the ragefest we are hearing about was provoked by her scheduling to work.

 

Just not doing what the OP wants her to do, but working.

 

For those of you who want to believe that this woman is just a dolittle.

 

No, the "ragefest" happened because this guy's wife agreed to help on three evenings & then schedule herself to work another job on two of the same nights without consulting the OP before doing so.

[soserious1]

THANK YOU, Mme! I thought I was the only one who noticed it. He flipped out not because the house wasn't picked up, but that she scheduled to WORK at a REAL JOB and not run his stupid ice cream truck.

 

I wish I could triple-like your post.

 

From the information the OP posted, the income from that "stupid ice cream truck" of his is 3x what she would earn at her so called "real job"

 

Fact is she agreed to work with OP for 3 evenings, then went behind his back & signed up to do something else, leaving the OP hanging, when he got upset, she decided that getting up & hitting him would fix things.

 

Sorry but throwing a laptop to the floor doesn't equal getting up and physically abusing someone, you can bet if it were she who threw the laptop & he got up & struck her, he'd be sitting in jail right now!

Edited June 14, 2012 by soserious1