Dating Catch-22s for Middle Aged Men

[sid3]

I think it is just summertime and everyone is coming out of *&^% hibernation. No skill involved. Not letting it go to my head.

 

For all I know, they got a whole harem lined up and they are looking to make me 'wife' #3 (as in, simultaneously, not sequentially) ha ha

 

Decided to meet moto man over at Laconia Bike Week in NH. Might get a ride on a Ducati after all. (not his... a demo... moto man was driving a Harley).

 

I rode a 1900 cc Yamaha 'Raider' SCL at Americade last weekend. Big bike for a little girl. I'll send you a pic...

 

edited: DROVE a 1900 cc Yamaha 'Raider'... this girl drives her own bikes, thank you

 

Eh, I ride a schwinn. No helmet.

[daphne]

Poor Carhill lives in sausage-ville. Seriously. The west coast is skewed the opposite direction... with many more single men than women.

 

Note to self. Must move to the West Coast.

[Trimmer]

Decided to meet moto man over at Laconia Bike Week in NH. Might get a ride on a Ducati after all.

Heh, I thought I'd heard all the euphemisms. I'll have to add this one to the list.

[sid3]

Think I'll stay on the eastcoast and avoid the sausage fest westcoast like the plague:confused:

[Thornton]

The OP complained that the women his age were going for younger men and the mathematician in me concluded that, all else being equal, this would leave a contingent of younger women, apparently within the OP's targeted dating range, 'ripe for pickin's'.

 

It doesn't quite work like that though. Take two girls and guys as an example: Girls A and B, and Guys A and B. Let's assume that Guy A is attractive and Guy B is not. By your logic, if Girl A hooks up with Guy A, that means Girl B is available and has no choice but to hook up with Guy B, right?

 

Wrong. What would happen is that Girl B would stay single if she wasn't attracted to Guy B. Eventually Guy A would break up with Girl A and hook up with Girl B. Girl A also wouldn't be attracted to Guy B, so she would stay single. Obviously Guy A is a player who sleeps with multiple women, while Guy B is single the whole time.

 

In other words, the idea of one man = one woman doesn't work. What's more likely to happen is that the most desirable men are players while other men are perpetually single... unless they find a woman who doesn't fall for the players, or lower their sights to date a woman who the players don't want. This holds true until the time when women decide they want to get married; then they will consider marrying Guy B because Guy A won't marry them. Once a woman is past the age where she wants marriage, she will once again overlook Guy B in favor of Guy A.

[ATrainofAngels]

Me three. Maybe I'm better off by myself. Obviously that's what's happening anyway, just accept it. Right?

 

Anyway, you're obviously smarter than me, Carhill, so it took a while to determine your message. That women my age all want younger partners - ding! - and younger women, which so far everyone but me has said I should be targeting, are in plentiful supply - bzz! I said they want partners their own age, and I said that's a good thing. So the statement that there's a balanced ratio of age and gender holds no water.

 

Well, I can see this is going nowhere. I'll come back tomorrow or something.

 

 

 

Older women who want younger men? Does this really happen? I always thought it was an urban myth. Do you really know women your age dating significantly younger men?

 

 

I think "cougars" can be very hot and I would totally date one as long as there was an understanding that I am not looking to get married/have kids anytime soon.

 

 

How do I turn myself into cougar bait?

[carhill]

Wrong. What would happen is that Girl B would stay single if she wasn't attracted to Guy B. Eventually Guy A would break up with Girl A and hook up with Girl B. Girl A also wouldn't be attracted to Guy B, so she would stay single. Obviously Guy A is a player who sleeps with multiple women, while Guy B is single the whole time.

In support of your assertion, the OP wrote:

 

"There is a disdain, in fact, for men in their 40s approaching women - starting with how every woman assumes I am married and cheating until I prove otherwise."

 

So, apparently, he has experienced enough women who have touched or encountered polyamory/player men to comment on it. Good explanation. Thanks.

 

In that case, perhaps he should, as I did, change geography to a more synergistic location for his style. Big world. Lots of people.

[Chocolat]

I guess I am the odd woman out here. I enjoy chatting with people when I am out and about and it is flattering if a man expresses interest (politely). The only time I would react negatively is if a guy were to be overly aggressive or rude, but that really hasn't happened. I've talked to some very interesting people along my travels. Fun stuff.

[FitChick]

How do I turn myself into cougar bait?

 

There are dating websites for cougars and younger men. Google them.

 

I date younger men but they are over 40.

[zengirl]

I guess I am the odd woman out here. I enjoy chatting with people when I am out and about and it is flattering if a man expresses interest (politely). The only time I would react negatively is if a guy were to be overly aggressive or rude, but that really hasn't happened. I've talked to some very interesting people along my travels. Fun stuff.

 

Don't get me wrong, I like talking to people sometimes too. What I don't like is the attitude that men are entitled to my attention that I sometimes see when people post about approaching women out and about. 9 times out of 10, I respond nicely (though not really to flirting since I'm married and men take it the wrong way if you're nicer than neutral often) when strangers approach me, especially if it was non-romantic/sexual in nature! I love talking to people. I just don't love people feeling entitled to my attention, especially if they feel entitled to it because I'm attractive to them.

[2.50 a gallon]

I have always been nice to the women who work in stores, such as the check out girls in stores I frequented. I didn't try to put the make on them, just talked to them and slowly become a friendly face they can talk to for a minute or two while they are ringing me up. Just talk in general, the weather, the super bowl, etc, and over time I would find out all kinds of stuff, like troubles with boy friends, or their Ex, the name of their cat, I had one who couldn't wait to tell me the latest thing her cat Banzai had pulled.

 

How did it pay off. Every once in a while, I would be out and about and run into them away from work.

 

A couple of times at a bar, where they were out with the girl friends, I was a friendly face, and we danced the night away and eventually ended up dating.

 

I was engaged to a gal I met at a sporting goods store, seriously dated one of my bank tellers, another gal I met at a photo shop,

 

At age 47 I met a hot long legged gal age 39, who was working nights at a convience store. Alas, she was in a long relationship with the guy she was living with. Two years later, at age 49, after not seeing her for a year and not knowing where she lived, I spotted her walking out to her mail box, hung a youwee and she had just temporarily broken up with her BF. And we have been together coming up on 17 years.

[Thornton]

Older women who want younger men? Does this really happen? I always thought it was an urban myth. Do you really know women your age dating significantly younger men?

Indeed it does happen - I exclusively date younger men. I look and feel youthful, I'm active and fit and have no baggage, while men my own age or older usually look quite tired and are divorced with kids. I prefer to date men with a similar lifestyle to myself, and such men generally tend to be younger. Usually they ask me out because they assume I'm the same age as them. I wouldn't rule out a slightly older man but he would have to be pretty special and baggage-free if he wanted to to get my attention.

[ATrainofAngels]

Indeed it does happen - I exclusively date younger men. I look and feel youthful, I'm active and fit and have no baggage, while men my own age or older usually look quite tired and are divorced with kids. I prefer to date men with a similar lifestyle to myself, and such men generally tend to be younger. Usually they ask me out because they assume I'm the same age as them. I wouldn't rule out a slightly older man but he would have to be pretty special and baggage-free if he wanted to to get my attention.

 

 

Interesting, would you go out with a guy as young as 23 if you liked his personality?

[FitChick]

Note to self. Must move to the West Coast.

 

If you like short, dark men who work minimum wage jobs and don't speak English you will be spoilt for choice! They will be lined up around the block, especially at Home Depot.

[carhill]

Most of the guys shopping at our local box stores are middle-aged white guys like myself, generally driving pickups with enclosed work trailers behind them. We do have Mexican workers (I have a couple) but they're on the job sites, not at HD. I've gotten to know the some of the lady employees at the three Home Depots in our area pretty well, since I'm there every other day or so. Most are either middle aged like myself or 20's. The young ones mostly don't appear to be married but they're kids to me. The ladies my age are all wearing wedding rings (I notice). Normal around here.

[irc333]

When I did OLD I routinely got hit on by men far outside of my posted age range (+/- 5 years) and a few would even get quite annoyed about it when the filter block screened them out. In rreal life, I most often get hit on by men who are younger than me. Sometimes much younger. There is sometimes mutual disappointment when that happens, because I won't date much younger men..

 

I find that single people, both men and women, well most of them.....they're age range criteria seems to get wider as they get older.

 

Like with me...I'm 40 even....I think the youngest I'd date is early 30's, and oldest is late 40's (maybe even 50 even).

 

 

 

I usually look for specific age ranges on POF or some sites where they've sometimes specified...even though they were say 31....they'd date on upwards of 40 (or 42).

 

So I kind of keep an eye out for those.

 

There was this one woman I met in a circle of friends, actually she was a French woman, was working her from overseas, I thought she was early 30's, but turns out she was in her early 20's ! LOL Very pretty, but I guess we were all kind of dressed formally, and she appeared a bit more womanly, plus being European, they tend to act a bit more classy I suppose.

 

I was tempted in asking her out, but I figured not sure if I'd be a good idea though.

[irc333]

Most of the guys shopping at our local box stores are middle-aged white guys like myself, generally driving pickups with enclosed work trailers behind them. We do have Mexican workers (I have a couple) but they're on the job sites, not at HD. I've gotten to know the some of the lady employees at the three Home Depots in our area pretty well, since I'm there every other day or so. Most are either middle aged like myself or 20's. The young ones mostly don't appear to be married but they're kids to me. The ladies my age are all wearing wedding rings (I notice). Normal around here.

 

You hit the nail on the head in my area, cute cashiers, waitresses, etc.....women my age married with children, and the only real women that are actually single are barely legal drinking age.

 

EVEN at that, they're engaged or the have a nice NEW shiny wedding ring on their finger.

 

I kinda had a thing for this one cashier, real sweetheart of a girl, I could tell by her sweet demeanor. Anyways, she was married, with TWO children and one in the oven.

 

I almost asked her "How old are you anyway?!"

 

I almost could swear she was around the 21 mark. Women around these small areas seems to think their only function is to work a min. wage job, get married and make babies. I kind of think of it of wasting your life away though.

 

You can't go to a mall or bookstore, and if you try to approach a woman, chances are her boyfriend is right around the corner somewhere. Me and a frien dof mine were hangin' at the cafe court, saw this woman, very pretty, sitting by herself.

 

I thought what if one of us approached her..and hes aid, "don't bother, wait a few minutes, and you'll see her husband or boyfriend show up!" Right on que, he did just that!

Edited June 15, 2012 by irc333

[mario_C]

BTW I don't think OLD means what I thought it means. I don't know where you go in here to decipher Loveshack-speak, or I guess you're not supposed to...

Thanks for clarifying.

 

I respect your opinion and know from your many posts here that you sincerely respect women... Even if you aren't up for the dating game.

 

I'm not a big 'dater' either... That's probably obvious to alot of people.

 

This assumes that women are just looking for a man with money.

 

I have plenty of my own. I don't need a 'successful' or wealthy man. Just one who lives within his means and is stable.

 

This is where things HAVE changed for alot of men aged 40+. Women aren't looking for the same things anymore, so it comes as a bit of a shock when their 'success' can't be easily parlayed into getting younger women.

 

Alright... now that I understand your post a bit better...

 

Here is the deal... I've had three men approach me the past couple of weeks. All three got my number, so if it could work with a hard-shell chick like me, I'm sure it could work with ladies near you.

 

Considering that I won't do OLD and I tend to only date men I meet through friends/family, I consider it something for them to manage it.

 

So, here is what they did....

 

In every case, I was occupied doing something (ie gassing up my motorcycle, working on my computer, walking with my dog).

 

All three activities say something about 'me' and are an easy in to start up a conversation. They were also activities where one or the other can just walk away or provide a polite 'exit' if the conversation isn't flowing.

 

It starts with random chit-chat with me. If the guy does anything overtly sexual though, at anytime during the interaction, deal over. Getting my number just means there is a potential to meet later. Much like one would do if it were business related. No pressure on either side. In fact, the nicest thing was that they offered to give me their number and/or asked for mine and let ME choose. That was another winner.

 

I (being the lady) was wise to give them some indication of interest. In the case of the motorcycle, I stopped what I was doing to come over and check out his bike. In the case of the guy who got my number at Starbucks, I came over to his table and plopped down to pet his puppy. These are cues you should look for.

 

There is another guy at Starbucks who tried to chat me up before but got nowhere. Not sure why. He was just creepy and probably over enthusiastic.

 

In the cases where the guy got my number, he was very casual and low pressure. Just talked to me like a regular person.

 

So, there you go. A few tips.

 

Oh... and on the bolded above. If all you are looking for is sex (mostly) then remove that advice. Other men will tell you to make your sexual intentions known ASAP. I suppose that works for some women and for the three-date rule guys who aren't into getting to know a woman first.

Thank you for your comments. Of course if she wants to give me her number, she can - and I can give her my number, but that never works, ever. I have asked for a number at least twice in my life, and the most recent time it took forever because I have a panic attack (gee, maybe that has something to do with it?!).

[RedRobin]

Thank you for your comments. Of course if she wants to give me her number, she can - and I can give her my number, but that never works, ever. I have asked for a number at least twice in my life, and the most recent time it took forever because I have a panic attack (gee, maybe that has something to do with it?!).

 

There is a fine line between being confident and cocky.

 

If you appear overly nervous or agitated, that could come across in ways that are unpredictable.

 

See... I think alot of people fail to understand that, the reason why people respect confidence is not because they want someone 'dominant'... or a 'man'... They respect confidence because someone who appears agitated in any way is unpredictable... and not in a good way.

 

How do you feel when a nervous dog approaches you? With it's tail down, quivering? You don't really know if it is going to bite you or warm up to you, right? You know for sure that, even if it turned out to be friendly, it would be 'damaged' in some way. Unless you were very experienced with dogs, you certainly wouldn't want to take it home with you... would you?

 

So, if these are the vibes you are sending off (like a nervous, quivering dog), is it a surprise when someone doesn't want to talk to you or want to be approached?

 

I know alot of men who do get very nervous when approaching women, but I'm not sure I understand why. I realize that alot of women can be really mean when they reject a guy, so, if that has happened numerous times to you, I can imagine it would be tough to muster up the courage to keep doing it.

 

The only way I know of to get better at something is to keep trying at it though. One way is just to chat women up with no intention of asking them out. All women. Not just the ones you find cute or attractive or want to ask out. You can get better at reading people that way. So that when one does come along that strikes your fancy, you won't be so nervous... You'll understand she is just 'people'.

 

Hope that helps.

[mario_C]

It does, thank you.

 

PS I broke the code! OLD==On-Line Dating. For anyone else who's new and confused.

[123321]

If you like short, dark men who work minimum wage jobs and don't speak English you will be spoilt for choice! They will be lined up around the block, especially at Home Depot.

 

Silicon Valley if you don't mind a comp sci nerd.