When do I give up, he left me a year ago.

[trixy]

My husband and I have only been married 2 yrs. He left me a year ago. Our son was 8 months old when he left.

 

We both have a child from a previous relationship, I have a son and he has a daughter. My son lives with me and his daughter lives abroad with her mother. I have a very simple relationship with my ex, it is only about our son who he sees about 8 times a year. My husband sees his daughter at her home and stays with his ex when he visits.

Before he left I knew we were having problems, we had had a miscarriage, got married and had a baby all within the space of a year. We were both about 40 and so both had baggage. I thought we would work it out together over time. Just before he left I discovered that he had told his mother that it was really bad, I was surprised by this but did not tackle him. Its all a bit hazy now as it was a year ago.

A few months prior to his leaving he had spend a week or so in the spare room. Primarily so he could get some sleep and because he went to bed so much later than I did. I discovered that he had been looking at porn on his computer (in that room) and had had some interactive contact. This happened at the same time that I had been asking him to have date nights at home with me. He was always too tired and just wanted to watch telly.

 

I was due to return to work full time for a couple of weeks and then go part time. During this two week period he was going to have to do most of the childcare and cooking etc (he only worked part time). Five days before I went back to work we had a terrible row and he left. I thought he would come back later or at worst the next morning but he didn’t. He didn’t phone or make any contact until he turned up two days later. He only came to collect more stuff. He had gone to stay at a friends house (he had arranged this previously) and blamed me entirely.

A few days later I had a phone call from his ex who he had told that he no longer lived with me. Our cleaner turned up on my doorstep as he told her by text that he no longer lived with me. He told his family that I threw him out and he had no choice.

My sons and I went on the holiday that we had booked to go on as a family. Two days in to our holiday he turned up and just wanted to come back as if nothing had happened. I did throw him out that time.

 

Since then I was really angry with him and sent him some awful messages and emails. I have called him some bad names and have scared myself at how insane my reactions have been at times. In the last six months though the anger has gone and we have been spending more and more time together. we have gone away twice for weekends as a family.

 

Here is my concern. I do not think that he really wants to come back. He seems to just want to pop in and out as and when he feels like it. We have been seeing a marriage guidance counsellor for 6 weeks now and she has identified many of our problems.

 

Recently I found a card (hidden in a box) written to my husband by his ex 2 months before our wedding. In it she was talking about the fact that my husband was about to have a hernia operation. He had obviously told her it would affect his privates. She said that she would love to see his privates in their purple colour. (Obviously not quite those words). I had always believed my husband when he said they were purely platonic, but why would he tell her something so private and why would she say something so flirtatious if that were true.

 

I suspect that the reason he had not started divorce proceedings is that he is quite happy to just have us as his family when he feels like it, as well as time spent at his daughters’ house.

 

I have suggested that we go out together as a couple and whilst he has not said no. We have not been out. I don’t know whether I am being impatient and should wait or whether he is just stringing me along until something better turns up. He wants to get physical but he is not loving towards me.

 

He is supporting us financially. Before he left he was only working part time and I know this did not help his mood. Since he left he has a new job that he loves and which pays him well so he is a lot happier.

 

I would love to hear your thoughts as I do not know what to do for the best for me and my two beautiful boys.

Edited June 10, 2012 by trixy
where i copied from word there were errors

[trixy]

My H is very aware of every thing he does or spends on other people and feels that everyone is not grateful enough.

We also have real communication issues. I believe we are all equal and my husband thinks he is the head of the household. We are unable to sort out differernces of opinion in an adult manner.

I don't know if I want him back, or if I should have him back. He says he loves me and the boys but if that were true he wouldn't have left.

 

You are right. I do not know what he wants or what to do for the best.

 

Do I want him back? The man I first met met yes, not the man automatically says no whenever I ask for his help.

[trixy]

Whats happened to him to change from `the man you 1st met` into the man he is now?

 

He started not telling the truth. He will tell little lies for real reason. He avoids giving whole answers, as if he has something to hide. I am a bluntly honest person and I just don't get it.

 

He used to be gentle and caring. Now it just feels as if he will take what he can get and try to give as little back as possible. But then at times there are flashes of how he used to behave.

[TaraMaiden]

How he used to behave was the lie.

how he behaves now is the truth.

 

Is he a parent or is he a father?

anyone can do the former, but it takes a real man to be mensch and do the latter.

 

If he's a parent, make sure you keep him apprised of everything, but expect nothing in return.

If he's a father, then encourage his involvement with his son, and engineer whatever meetings and connections you can, between him and his son, for their sake, and theirs alone.

You?

You need to be more independent, self-assured and confident.

You need to show you don't need him, live a life that's free of obligation, and go your own way.

In exactly the same way he has.

For you.

[trixy]

You?

You need to be more independent, self-assured and confident.

You need to show you don't need him, live a life that's free of obligation, and go your own way.

In exactly the same way he has.

For you.

 

Thank you Tara, you are right.

Ironically, my independence is one of the things he says has driven a wedge between us. I was on my own (with my eldest son) for a long time before we met, and we were happy. I like my own skin and most of time I am quietly confidant, just not where he is concerned. I just don't trust my own judgemnet regarding him any more.