BrighterDaze Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 (edited) A little under a year ago, I learned that my WS was having an emotional affair with a co-worker. (I explained most of this in earlier posts.) We were together for 15 years, but not married, and he was not interested in marriage.Long story, short. I came to this site for some insight and found it. I knew that I needed to make a huge leap of faith, but was terrified. I cried so much over the past year. I was in so much pain, and realized that I was foolish. My own behaviors helped to put me in my position. So, I also knew that only I could get me out of it. I went to IC for a few months and this was very helpful. I recently stopped going, but did not stop the lessons that I learned.While searching for a new apt, I was sad and scared. I worried about our son, and my future happiness, but something kept me going. Finally, in April of this year, I moved into my new place. Surprisingly, I was not sad, but relieved. I felt strong and independent. I still do....mostly. (Now, I am a bit lonely because my son is not yet living with me.) My WS claimed that he was going through a mid-life crisis and he has insisted that he is no longer interested in the OW...they were never friends, he says. To show me his continued interest and loyalty, he calls and shows interest everyday. He is sweet, nurturing, and...now interested in marriage.I am no longer interested in marrying him, but his selfishness over the years still hurts and haunts me. Why is he a sweetie AFTER I leave? What happened to the OW that he wanted so badly? Why marriage now? Life is too short to deny yourself happiness. So, for me, I chose to move on and see where life takes me. I'll keep you posted. Edited June 10, 2012 by BrighterDaze 2
viktorious11 Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 PEOPLE WANT WHAT THEY DON'T HAVE!!! It is just human nature and it ruined my marriage. READ MY POST after yours for more insight on that.... Basically, my W got bored of me after only 4 years of what we thought was the most power love two human beings could ever endure. I allowed that love and the thought of "unconditional love" turn me into a selfish, stubborn, couch-dwelling fat ass that did nothing to impress his wife because, well, why would i have to? We are together forever anyway, right? My point is this. We decided mutually on a divorce, me just wanting my freedom for a few months idiotically assuming that she would just be sitting around and waiting for me to wake up and see the light. Well, I saw the light, alright. All it took was her landing in bed with another man. The minute I caught wind of her already having moved on, I FEROCIOUSLY started bombarding her with Love Letters and reconciliation attempts. Now, my actions towards her are genuine, I assure you, but it took something incredibly drastic for me to pop out of my shell. I'm sure your significant other (I didn't recognize that two Letter abbreviation that you used...) is only now realizing that he screwed up and that he had something great, now that you are happily moved on without him. He probably can't bare the thought of you being happy without him. Maybe agree to spend a little time with him and see if he HAS changed at all and if his sentiments are sincere. That's what my wife is doing and it is making me so so happy just to have a chance at a second chance. However, it is opening me back up for way more heartache to come if we don't reconcile. Even if you have ZERO interest now, what could it hurt to just go for a little walk together and see what he has to say and see which direction your heart takes you? Just some thoughts. I've got about 50 pages of HW left to do in a 2 week window for my MBA and all I can do is sit here and type away and search for guidance in what to do about my own love life. When I know deep down the answer is just work on ME, get my MBA, get happy ON MY OWN, and THAT is when she will start crawling back.. HOLY CRAP! Answering your post helped me come to the answer needed for my own!!! HOME WORK TIME!!!!!!!!! :) and GL!!! 1
Author BrighterDaze Posted June 10, 2012 Author Posted June 10, 2012 Vik, thank you for your response. I think you are so right. He came over my place this morning and noticed that I was happy...even asked. I was strutting around feeling particularly good. He told me before I left that I would be miserable and run back, but that is far from the truth. Good luck with your relationship. I am glad that you were able to get some answers by responding to me. Now, get back to that MBA.
carhill Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 Why is he a sweetie AFTER I leave? What happened to the OW that he wanted so badly? Why marriage now? Cheer's Effect. He knows all your buttons after 15 years together and his personality type is one to both gravitate to the familiar and manipulate or attempt to manipulate 'insider' information. The line of 'I would be miserable and run back' was a telling canary of his own insecurities. Myself, I'd keep the interactions to the legal business of custody/visitation and any remaining property settlement and have little to no personal interaction at all. You have a choice in any dynamic relevant to this situation. Make ones that are healthy for you. 1
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