Red Flags

[Spark1111]

So all guys are intellects with well rounded lives and interests and all women are bubble heads who are only interested in shopping and make up? Thats pretty strange because I've met some really stupid shallow men and some really intelligent caring women. But I know where you are coming from because when I was younger and all of my best friends were guys I used to say the exact same things. Women were boring, they were bitchy, they weren't as much fun as guys (way to put myself down eh? considering that I just happened to be a woman myself). I know now and I may have even known then that it was my own low self esteem and ego that made me feel intimidated by other woman. That's right. I was the one who was insecure, jealous and intimitated by women. But I was also young and hot so I hung out with guys to get my ego stroked and then accused all women of being shallow, catty, and jealous as my reason for rejecting them and choosing my male friends over friendships with my own gender. I was projecting my own lowly opinion of women and therefore myself onto my entire gender.

 

I think men who have mostly female friends are the same as I was when I was young. Deep down they are intimitaded by other men and feel like they don't measure up. Women give them validation and ego strokes that they can't get from men. Other men see through them and don't play into their games and manipulations the way women will. That's not a dig at my gender it's just an observation that women have a tendancy to feel empathy and want to nurture men when they have that 'woe is me' thing going on for them. Men expect other men to act like men (aka adults) while too many women will baby and coddle. Weak men don't like other men because they feel intimitated and exposed by them.

 

Brilliant post! Very honest and astute.

 

Projection of our faults and insecurities onto others is a hallmark sign of low self-esteem, IMHO.

[RickFox]

I think it is a HUGE RED flag and was just talking about it yesterday!

 

The question is why? Why wouldn't a woman have many female friends? Why wouldn't a man have many male frieds?

 

She/he is either not trustworthy, nor respected, or she herself feels threatened to befriend others of the same sex for some reason. What is the reason?

 

I agree with MBee that there is some issue, whether it be poor boundaries or needing the ego-validation of the opposite sex.

 

Band of brothers? There is Band of Sisters too!

 

I'm not talking of shyness here. Can women be catty and judgemental? Hell, yeah! Can men be competitive and judgemental? You bet.

 

RickFox, if I and the confident, resourceful and successful women and mothers saw a MW run and jump into the arms of a man, unless he was her long, lost cousin, we would have all the info we needed about her character.

 

She needs attention, lots of it, from men not her spouse.

 

Your wife is a very wise woman. I bet you wished you had listened to her.

 

Hindsight is always 20/20 eh? You're dang right, I wish to God I had listened to her, seen what she saw and then I'd never have found my way to this site. I'm very lucky I still have her and what scares me even more, she's been right about some other things and still says more is to come....

 

Funny how we see things AFTER the fact....sad too.

[LadyGrey]

So all guys are intellects with well rounded lives and interests and all women are bubble heads who are only interested in shopping and make up? Thats pretty strange because I've met some really stupid shallow men and some really intelligent caring women. But I know where you are coming from because when I was younger and all of my best friends were guys I used to say the exact same things. Women were boring, they were bitchy, they weren't as much fun as guys (way to put myself down eh? considering that I just happened to be a woman myself). I know now and I may have even known then that it was my own low self esteem and ego that made me feel intimidated by other woman. That's right. I was the one who was insecure, jealous and intimitated by women. But I was also young and hot so I hung out with guys to get my ego stroked and then accused all women of being shallow, catty, and jealous as my reason for rejecting them and choosing my male friends over friendships with my own gender. I was projecting my own lowly opinion of women and therefore myself onto my entire gender.

 

I think men who have mostly female friends are the same as I was when I was young. Deep down they are intimitaded by other men and feel like they don't measure up. Women give them validation and ego strokes that they can't get from men. Other men see through them and don't play into their games and manipulations the way women will. That's not a dig at my gender it's just an observation that women have a tendancy to feel empathy and want to nurture men when they have that 'woe is me' thing going on for them. Men expect other men to act like men (aka adults) while too many women will baby and coddle. Weak men don't like other men because they feel intimitated and exposed by them.

 

This resonates with me so much and describes how I was back in my 20's. Thanks for articulating my thoughts as well.

[freestyle]

This resonates with me so much and describes how I was back in my 20's. Thanks for articulating my thoughts as well.

 

 

Ditto---I had the same attitude in my twenties, too.

Sometimes I'd like to go back & smack my younger self upside the head.

 

So, now, when I hear a women in her twenties spouting off the same rhetoric, I have to chuckle a bit.

[oldshirt]

It just simply comes down to options and availabilities. If someone is surrounded by members of the opposite sex they are going to have options and availabilities.

 

Just because someone has friends of the opposite sex doesn't mean that they are currently banging them but it does mean that if they do decide to stray they will have immediate access to willing pool of people to choose from.

 

If someone surrounds themselves with only members of the opposite sex it is probably because they want an immediate backup plan available and are probably in a state of constantly grooming people to be available to step into that role when the they decide it is time.

 

So yeah, I'd always be a little leary of someone that always has a little fleet of sattelites orbiting around them at any given time.

 

Almost every single other man or other woman was labeled as "just a friend" before the legs went over the shoulders.

[MissBee]

So all guys are intellects with well rounded lives and interests and all women are bubble heads who are only interested in shopping and make up? Thats pretty strange because I've met some really stupid shallow men and some really intelligent caring women. But I know where you are coming from because when I was younger and all of my best friends were guys I used to say the exact same things. Women were boring, they were bitchy, they weren't as much fun as guys (way to put myself down eh? considering that I just happened to be a woman myself). I know now and I may have even known then that it was my own low self esteem and ego that made me feel intimidated by other woman. That's right. I was the one who was insecure, jealous and intimitated by women. But I was also young and hot so I hung out with guys to get my ego stroked and then accused all women of being shallow, catty, and jealous as my reason for rejecting them and choosing my male friends over friendships with my own gender. I was projecting my own lowly opinion of women and therefore myself onto my entire gender.

 

I think men who have mostly female friends are the same as I was when I was young. Deep down they are intimitaded by other men and feel like they don't measure up. Women give them validation and ego strokes that they can't get from men. Other men see through them and don't play into their games and manipulations the way women will. That's not a dig at my gender it's just an observation that women have a tendancy to feel empathy and want to nurture men when they have that 'woe is me' thing going on for them. Men expect other men to act like men (aka adults) while too many women will baby and coddle. Weak men don't like other men because they feel intimitated and exposed by them.

 

This is sooo spot on!

[cocorico]

I think just like you choose, often subconsciously, certain people for romantic relationships, so too do you choose your friends. It may not seem like a big deal...but it may reveal some pattern you aren't aware of.

 

I do find what you said to be very simplistic, in terms of if you want to talk about gossip etc you talk to girls and then theories and scientific stuff you talk to men (what???). My female friends are engineers, med students, lawyers, PhD candidates, etc. who can talk about regular "girl things" and then talk about the most meaningful as well as difficult subjects. None are babbling air heads who spend all day talking about handbags. Likewise, my guy friends are accomplished men who can talk about meaningful stuff then talk about absolutely pointless things that are sometimes very dumb or they spend a lot of time havign locker room talk, discussing sex and who they'd do.

 

I find it ironic you talk about stepping out of stereotypes, yet the caricature of women and men you made was nothing but stereotypical.

 

 

I think this all depends on where you grow up and how women and girls (and men and boys) are shaped / conditioned / valued by that society. Growing up, there were no female engineers / lawyers / doctors in where I grew up. Those were considered unsuitable careers for women, who were discouraged from science at school and steered instead to domestic science or languages. And yes we're encouraged to engage I small talk rather than deep conversation as that was considered "unladylike" and likely to scare off potential suitors, since the only career really valued for women was marriage and child rearing. So growing up in that kind of context it's likely most women would be more likely to talk about shopping than science, and women who "broke the mould" would be more likely to find common ground with men. Having lived this, I know what it's like. I have female friends back home, bit none as close as my male friends. Here, where women had more opportunities, I have found more women I have things in common with, and have male and female friends on equal measure. I don't think one can make assumptions about the friendship choices of others without knowing a great deal about their individual circumstances, present and past.

[MissBee]

I think this all depends on where you grow up and how women and girls (and men and boys) are shaped / conditioned / valued by that society. Growing up, there were no female engineers / lawyers / doctors in where I grew up. Those were considered unsuitable careers for women, who were discouraged from science at school and steered instead to domestic science or languages. And yes we're encouraged to engage I small talk rather than deep conversation as that was considered "unladylike" and likely to scare off potential suitors, since the only career really valued for women was marriage and child rearing. So growing up in that kind of context it's likely most women would be more likely to talk about shopping than science, and women who "broke the mould" would be more likely to find common ground with men. Having lived this, I know what it's like. I have female friends back home, bit none as close as my male friends. Here, where women had more opportunities, I have found more women I have things in common with, and have male and female friends on equal measure. I don't think one can make assumptions about the friendship choices of others without knowing a great deal about their individual circumstances, present and past.

 

I'm wary of people asserting that you can't know anything unless you know someone personally. That is true about some things, but not a lot of others and if it were true lots of the fields we have today would not exist and thrive as they are built on understanding humans in general and not specifically...as it is impossible to know every human. I am a strong believer in, and through my field of expertise, that human beings often exhibit some predictable traits and patterns that one can hone in on and be clued into what is going on with them, without knowing every detail. It is impossible to know every detail in a lot of circumstances but the details we do know make for useful and often accurate conjecture. Criminal profilers/behavioral analysts for example, their job is to predict accurately and profile criminals, whom they don't know. Many are successful at this, because one can come up with often very accurate pictures of people based on characteristics that may even seem minute to some. The type of clothes they wear, the type of crimes they commit, who they choose to hang with, all etch some psychological picture and can predict and shed light on their past and future actions. They can be wrong of course sometimes, but they are also successful because some things are predictable or are dead giveaways about someone's psyche.

 

That said: one can indeed make accurate assumptions about people. Assumptions are not a bad thing in and of itself, they become a problem though if you allow no room for being wrong or correcting your assumptions in light of more evidence.

Edited June 10, 2012 by MissBee

[MissBee]

Really interesting thread. I started a thread that relates to this here and thanks to Miss Bee for directing me to this one.

 

In the case I've mentioned on my thread it's the same, "I find women bitchy, catty etc and I don't get on with them" the woman I was with had, and still has, all male friends. She is a very intelligent woman but, as others have said, there's no reason women can't be found with equal intelligence. I don't think the woman I was with does it for ego strokes but it's possible. She does have extremely inappropriate boundaries though and she pretty much sees no problem with this, it's caused fights between us and is in fact causing one between us right now. She will verbally state to her male friends she has no interest in dating them (every single one of them wants to) but her actions give them a completely different impression, they would any man I think.

 

I find alexandria's point about weak men particularly interesting. Pretty much all the men my ex associates with have some sort of social/emotional problem and she likes to help them, she's essentially a fixer upper both in her dating and personal life, I think this gives her life a sense of purpose. All I know is that next time I meet a woman with all male friends I'm running in the opposite direction. I've been burned, far too badly, to ever allow myself in that situation again.

 

 

A friend of mine reminds me of your girlfriend. She has female friends, yet her male friendships are noteworthy and what she says about them is noteworthy as well. Although she has female friends, she has a harem of male friends and asserts that she doesn't get along with women, women don't like her, women are so catty etc. and she fares better with men. I was confused by this since she does hang out with women and we hang out from time to time and I've always been astute and ever since middle school days I always noticed that the girls who said this behaved in very strange ways that made no sense to what they espoused. I think a lot of them felt special by saying they only got on with the boys and only the boys got them then believed their own story and started acting in ways that made it true.

 

This friend and I were roommates and almost every night she had a male friend come over and they would hang out and even sleep over, in her bed! They didn't have sex, as it was in college and we shared a room, so I could tell. Yet I noticed that this was inappropriate. I knew a lot of them liked her, yet she was wrapped up in bed with them, because they were such great friends She would then complain about them getting the wrong idea (???) I told her of course they did, I have male friends, but none of them sleep in my bed. I think part of this is the tease syndrome...where one gets validation and feels powerful by playing this role and then acting innocent.

 

Also she was a girl who was still "best friends" with her exes. Her exes would tell her about their new relationship problems and two of them had slept over too! She also saw this as her just being a nice girl, who got on with her exes.....while to me it screamed NO BOUNDARIES! Inappropriate! You need all these men for some type of validation! She liked that her exes didn't fully let her go and she liked the attention while playing the friend card and sending mixed messages....she liked "male friends" because they doted on her, secretly wanted her, she could get their companionship, cuddling and compliments then say "But we're just friends! They are so much more chill"

 

She saw no problems with this and then when these men's girlfriends didn't like her much she felt like THEY were the ones with a problem, not her. She didn't see how her own behavior led to women treating her badly...but when they did treat her badly she felt justified that yes women are catty! People also rumored she was sleeping around, i knew she wasn't because we lived together, but I told her you sleep with different men in your bed...you sleep and don't have sex, but don't you see how odd that looks??? Why do you need that? Later on we had a discussion where she admitted that she just likes male attention, she just likes having men around to be "pretend-boyfriends" basically. She has a whole harem of exes and "male friends" who at any given moment can come over and sleep in bed and watch a movie and cuddle NSA.

 

Having male friends isn't a crime but having a harem of them and inappropriate boundaries is another thing and it is clear to see that how she conducted her "male friendships" looked VERY different from how I and other women conducted ours...we also had male friends without feeling the need to disparage women while at it.

Edited June 10, 2012 by MissBee

[cocorico]

I'm wary of people asserting that you can't know anything unless you know someone personally. That is true about some things, but not a lot of others and if it were true lots of the fields we have today would not exist and thrive as they are built on understanding humans in general and not specifically...as it is impossible to know every human. I am a strong believer in, and through my field of expertise, that human beings often exhibit some predictable traits and patterns that one can hone in on and be clued into what is going on with them, without knowing every detail. It is impossible to know every detail in a lot of circumstances but the details we do know make for useful and often accurate conjecture. Criminal profilers/behavioral analysts for example, their job is to predict accurately and profile criminals, whom they don't know. Many are successful at this, because one can come up with often very accurate pictures of people based on characteristics that may even seem minute to some. The type of clothes they wear, the type of crimes they commit, who they choose to hang with, all etch some psychological picture and can predict and shed light on their past and future actions. They can be wrong of course sometimes, but they are also successful because some things are predictable or are dead giveaways about someone's psyche.

 

That said: one can indeed make accurate assumptions about people. Assumptions are not a bad thing in and of itself, they become a problem though if you allow no room for being wrong or correcting your assumptions in light of more evidence.

 

 

There is a huge difference between what I said (about knowing someone's circumstances before making assumptions) and your response (about criminal profilers, whose deductions are based on a careful study of circumstances). Anyone with any knowledge of cultures other than their own would know it is I'll- informed if not downright ignorant, or prejudiced, to assume that for example what motivates someon in Tennessee is the same as what motivates someone in Kabul, or that a child growing up in Bengal had the same opportunities and interests as a child growing up in Paris.

 

If you know, for a start, that someone grew up in Dhaka you have more chance of understanding why they might think or say something than if you assume everyone grew up in Hollywood.

[jwi71]

Someone made mention in another thread about their xMM having nothing but female friends and that was a huge red flag.

 

My xMW had maybe one or two female friends but a wide array of male friends and said she just got along better with males. I recall my wife and a few other females saying that a woman who doesn't have female friends has issues and is a b*tch. Ironically, her H seemed oblivious, even while she and I hung out.

 

Im curious to know what other women think about this issue, would it be a 'red flag' to you or no big dea?. And fellas, what do you think?

 

I think a red flag is that at least person is cheating - one oft excused away.

 

Pertaining to friends, I'm not sure of any correlation between cheating and opposite gender friends. I have several female friends, some quite attractive, yet I don't cheat or cross platonic lines. I'm sure you know where I'm going with this....

[cocorico]

What would be a "red flag" for me would be if my partner was insecure about my friendships because of the sex or gender of my friends.

[MissBee]

There is a huge difference between what I said (about knowing someone's circumstances before making assumptions) and your response (about criminal profilers, whose deductions are based on a careful study of circumstances). Anyone with any knowledge of cultures other than their own would know it is I'll- informed if not downright ignorant, or prejudiced, to assume that for example what motivates someon in Tennessee is the same as what motivates someone in Kabul, or that a child growing up in Bengal had the same opportunities and interests as a child growing up in Paris.

 

If you know, for a start, that someone grew up in Dhaka you have more chance of understanding why they might think or say something than if you assume everyone grew up in Hollywood.

 

Don't wanna swerve far off topic....but no one was talking about or disputing that different people in different places have different motivations or opportunities. That is common knowledge. You said that

I don't think one can make assumptions about the friendship choices of others without knowing a great deal about their individual circumstances, present and past.

 

I was addressing that comment and pointing out that this is not true and one can indeed make accurate assumptions without knowing all this, in some those who are educated, have a large database to pull from that allows us to cases, as no one knows all information at all times and most of us, particularlymake judgments based on mental heuristics without having to know every detail. You can account for cultural, socioeconomic, gender, religious differences within your assumptions. The more you know, the easier it is for you to make snap and accurate assumptions. Maybe that is where is getting confused. What I mean is: one who has a large knowledge base, whether about other cultures, psychology, sociology, etc. being widely traveled, based on having a profession that deals with people all the time...this knowledge base allows one to be able to accurately assume things about people without knowing every single biographical information about them.

[MissBee]

I think a red flag is that at least person is cheating - one oft excused away.

 

Pertaining to friends, I'm not sure of any correlation between cheating and opposite gender friends. I have several female friends, some quite attractive, yet I don't cheat or cross platonic lines. I'm sure you know where I'm going with this....

 

From what I gather Rick is asking about the cases where a man or woman only has friends of the opposite sex...not that they have some, but it is noticeable that this person has no friends of their same gender. Example: a MM who has no male friends or a MW who has no female friends.

 

I don't even think the concern is cheating and that it is not platonic, but that it is a red flag that this person has inappropriate boundaries: i.e. the examples of the MM who constantly texts his friend's wives, the MM who discusses his relationship problems with his female friend therapist, my friend who sleeps in bed with all her male friends and wonders why their girlfriends don't like her etc. I think those are red flag behaviors that can point to the person being more susceptible to cheating, because they don't exhibit proper boundaries...or they like the validation and attention from strictly the opposite sex so constantly put themselves in positions that can lead to them compromising their relationship.

[cocorico]

Don't wanna swerve far off topic....but no one was talking about or disputing that different people in different places have different motivations or opportunities. That is common knowledge. You said that

 

I was addressing that comment and pointing out that this is not true and one can indeed make accurate assumptions without knowing all this, in some those who are educated, have a large database to pull from that allows us to cases, as no one knows all information at all times and most of us, particularlymake judgments based on mental heuristics without having to know every detail. You can account for cultural, socioeconomic, gender, religious differences within your assumptions. The more you know, the easier it is for you to make snap and accurate assumptions. Maybe that is where is getting confused. What I mean is: one who has a large knowledge base, whether about other cultures, psychology, sociology, etc. being widely traveled, based on having a profession that deals with people all the time...this knowledge base allows one to be able to accurately assume things about people without knowing every single biographical information about them.

 

So you're agreeing with me, since I did not say one had to know them personally (as you claimed) or know everything about them (as you claimed). Fair enough, I'll accept the apology.

 

I don't think the predominant gender or sex of one's friends is the remotest bit alarming in a partner, myself. I know the circumstances under which my friendships were formed and if some guy is so insecure that he feels threatened by that, he's clearly not the man for me! Fortunately, my SO is secure I himself and in our R so that has never been an issue, but I can Imagine that it is for some.

[MissBee]

So you're agreeing with me, since I did not say one had to know them personally (as you claimed) or know everything about them (as you claimed). Fair enough, I'll accept the apology.

 

I don't think the predominant gender or sex of one's friends is the remotest bit alarming in a partner, myself. I know the circumstances under which my friendships were formed and if some guy is so insecure that he feels threatened by that, he's clearly not the man for me! Fortunately, my SO is secure I himself and in our R so that has never been an issue, but I can Imagine that it is for some.

 

 

I do not think the topic is addressing whether or not men and women can be friends. From what I've gathered Rick's post was talking about the phenomena where a man or woman only has friends of the opposite sex and esp women who do so who say the reason is because they can't get along with other women and other women are biaatches etc. That specific type of mentality is what is being discussed and how that attitude may be a red flag.

 

I think most have been giving examples where it was indeed the case that those who had this attitude had their own self esteem issues that they projected on to their gender, they sought validation from the opposite sex to stroke their egos and often exhibited very poor boundaries in these friendships.

 

I have male friends too and it is nothing for a man I'm dating to be insecure about as it doesn't follow the pattern Rick and others are discussing: i.e. the woman who only has male friends, who also hates other women etc.

[eleanorrigby]

No big deal. IME people befriend those they have more in common with. If your interests run to shopping and make up, you hang with girls. If your interests are string theory and Dr Who, you hang with guys.

Seriously?

[MissBee]

Quite. But what if, like I was, you were with someone who's friends all consisted of the opposite gender and they knew all their friends wanted a relationship with them, yet they still slept naked with some of them, allowed them to be overly affectionate without pulling away, went on pseudo dates with them, openly told you that some of their friends were very attractive and that they would date them etc etc etc (read my thread for more of my reasoning). Wouldn't you be insecure based on that? Wouldn't you be justified in feeling insecure? Having friends of the opposite gender is one thing but behaving in certain ways around them without any respect of how your partner feels is quite another.

 

Yes this is what is being discussed....the cases where these friendships are actually a sign that this person has some type of issue.

 

Simply having friends of the opposite gender is not a cause for alarm...the red flags is HOW these friendships are conducted. Sleeping naked in bed with a friend, having only opposite sex friends whom you dated at one point or who currently want to date you, going on alone dinners with them while married, showing inappropriate physical affection etc are all clear signs of someone who is hungry for that type of validation they get from a pseudo-relationship with these "friends"...like my friend I talked about....and who because they act so inappropriately all the time with these friends, they easily are those who will end up saying "one thing led to another" and now they're in an affair.

 

People who behave like this alarm most people.

[spice4life]

So all guys are intellects with well rounded lives and interests and all women are bubble heads who are only interested in shopping and make up? Thats pretty strange because I've met some really stupid shallow men and some really intelligent caring women. But I know where you are coming from because when I was younger and all of my best friends were guys I used to say the exact same things. Women were boring, they were bitchy, they weren't as much fun as guys (way to put myself down eh? considering that I just happened to be a woman myself). I know now and I may have even known then that it was my own low self esteem and ego that made me feel intimidated by other woman. That's right. I was the one who was insecure, jealous and intimitated by women. But I was also young and hot so I hung out with guys to get my ego stroked and then accused all women of being shallow, catty, and jealous as my reason for rejecting them and choosing my male friends over friendships with my own gender. I was projecting my own lowly opinion of women and therefore myself onto my entire gender.

 

I think men who have mostly female friends are the same as I was when I was young. Deep down they are intimitaded by other men and feel like they don't measure up. Women give them validation and ego strokes that they can't get from men. Other men see through them and don't play into their games and manipulations the way women will. That's not a dig at my gender it's just an observation that women have a tendancy to feel empathy and want to nurture men when they have that 'woe is me' thing going on for them. Men expect other men to act like men (aka adults) while too many women will baby and coddle. Weak men don't like other men because they feel intimitated and exposed by them.

 

This is exactly how I used to be as well. Then, through therapy, I realized it was my own insecurity and issues that made me think this way. I now vaue my female friendships more than any thing because they are the most supportive people I have in my life! I'm so glad that I finally woke up and realized it was my own issues that made me shy away from female friendships.

 

There are always going to be catty, gossipy people period. It's not gender specific.

[LadyGrey]

As someone else said, I'd like to go back and slap my twenty something self for the way I behaved then.

 

I worked in a factory back then, and the job I had was not one that traditionally women worked so I had more interaction with the men and in all honestly I liked it that way as it made me feel more special, different. I see now that I had very inappropriate boundaries in my interactions with men. It wasn't that I was sleeping around with them, but I was too friendly and it really didn't matter if they were single or married because I told myself that just as long as I wasn't sleeping with them everything was cool. Also I gathered that a lot of the women who worked there didn't much like me. At the time I was 20 something and weighed a 100 lbs soaking wet and I was a pretty good looking little gal. At that time I thought they were just jealous that I was, younger, hotter, skinnier and single. ha ha........now I see it had very little to do that with that. They thought because of my bad boundaries/being over friendly that I was a slut. I told myself back then that it didn't matter what the hell they thought because I KNEW that I wasn't a slut in spite of what they thought. It's a little twisted but I think I even liked that they didn't like me. lol I just thought they were mean and catty and small minded to think that I slept around just because I was "friendly". Somebody slap me.............

 

Also at that time, I didn't have too many female friends, wonder why. ha ha I didn't trust them and they didn't trust me.

 

 

It's good to reflect on the past sometimes and even better to know that you aren't that person now.

[MissBee]

It's a little twisted but I think I even liked that they didn't like me. lol I just thought they were mean and catty and small minded to think that I slept around just because I was "friendly". Somebody slap me.............

 

Also at that time, I didn't have too many female friends, wonder why. ha ha I didn't trust them and they didn't trust me.

 

It's good to reflect on the past sometimes and even better to know that you aren't that person now.

 

Yepp I think that often plays into it as well! My friend gets off on this. Just like peeople who constantly talk about "the haters", when no one cares about their mediocre life or people actually dislike the ridiculous things they do and aren't jealous at all:rolleyes: But it feels better to feel like people care, feel like you have something worthy of envy etc, it boosts you ego to feel like people pay attention to you that much and hate you. It's the same with my friend, it's kind of twisted, because she does have female friends, yet the only people she focuses on are the women who don't like her and she brings it up all the time to make herself feel like well obviously I'm doing something right here....smh.

 

She almost acts inappropriately with men just to tow the line so that she can then be able to say "But see I'm not sleeping around! Why do they hate me? It's not my fault I have hoards of male friends and I'm friendly. Why do people think I'm sleeping around? It's so hard being pretty and hated" *faints* It's like when kids play that annoying game of "I'm not touching you". But people are fairly perceptive and most can tell the difference between a woman who just knows or hangs with a lot of men appropriately and those who do it in a way that screams insecurity, attention seeking and inappropriateness.

[Happyface]

I also prefer men who have more female friends than male friends. It shows they are willing to embrace their "female side" and step out of stereotypes. I am not a "typical woman" and don't want a "typical man".

 

The issue is whether they are married or not, don't you think?

 

Happy Face

[frozensprouts]

it could be one of those situations where it depends upon the people involved...

if a person has good boundaries, and knows where the line between friendship and romance exists and is careful to not cross that line, then that, to me, would be okay.

 

The problem is that, realistically, I doubt that most are that self aware to know exactly when they are crossing that line, and it's so easy to cross. How many times have you read on here that ' we started out as friends, but before we knew it, it became more"...it became more because it was allowed to, often without realizing it...

 

thus it's not really the issue of having more opposite sex friends, but rather having good personal boundaries and having the self awareness to know when those boundaries are being crossed

[jwi71]

From what I gather Rick is asking about the cases where a man or woman only has friends of the opposite sex...not that they have some, but it is noticeable that this person has no friends of their same gender. Example: a MM who has no male friends or a MW who has no female friends.

 

I don't even think the concern is cheating and that it is not platonic, but that it is a red flag that this person has inappropriate boundaries: i.e. the examples of the MM who constantly texts his friend's wives, the MM who discusses his relationship problems with his female friend therapist, my friend who sleeps in bed with all her male friends and wonders why their girlfriends don't like her etc. I think those are red flag behaviors that can point to the person being more susceptible to cheating, because they don't exhibit proper boundaries...or they like the validation and attention from strictly the opposite sex so constantly put themselves in positions that can lead to them compromising their relationship.

 

Oh I understand the Q.

 

I guess I have never given thoughts to a man with only female friends or a woman with only male friends. The supposition is there is something "wrong" with this person. I don't see it.

 

Someone, what is wrong with that (outside cheating and boundary issues)....

[peach_bellini]

I don't have a lot of girl friends but I find it hard to deal with all the bs that comes with them too. I don't care for the drama, the backstabbing, and whatnot. My best friend in the whole wide is a girl, but she a lot like me. A lot of her friends are guys also. The drama that comes with women isn't worth the time.

 

I had a girl that I thought was a close friend and what did I get in return, her calling me names behind my back & talking about me. I had never asked her for anything and was there anytime she needed help. For what? So she could take take back her supposed bff that had previously talked about her so badly that she got thrown out of the boarding barn she was in & badmouthed her to everyone. When no one was there for her, I was.

 

It just isn't worth it to me. Most guys I know just say it and get it out. If they are in a relationship they won't but they will to their friends. Most women, they just want to gossip and stir sh*t. Me, I prefer to do my own thing and stay out of the way.