silvergold Posted June 3, 2012 Posted June 3, 2012 [whew - sorry this is long-winded!!] I've been dating a wonderful man for about half a year now (wow, time flies!). I can genuinely say that this is the best relationship I've ever been in and we are both extremely happy. He has already (more than) hinted at wanting to marry me one day and I can truly picture myself being with this person for the rest of my life. So all of that is good - great, even! I do need some advice, however. My boyfriend has a great group of friends and we are going to attend a wedding at which many of the friends will be present. A girl who my boyfriend slept with in the past will be in attendance. I am not threatened by her because I know that it was a casual fling and that he is pretty much disgusted with her as a person - and it doesn't help that she was sleeping with other men while they were seeing each other. I know that what my boyfriend and I have is more genuine than any relationship either of us has ever been in, so this is not a question of jealousy on my part. My problem is that I've never had to meet anyone who has slept with or dated any of my past boyfriends. I really don't want to be introduced to this girl. She is not a very classy individual. She was a stripper at the time of their relationship, such as it was. I could look past that if it weren't for the fact that she was so disrespectful to him as an individual. I know how deep and kind a person he is, and clearly, she was incapable of seeing that in him as they were only interested in each other for one thing. (For the record, he completely regrets having this fling and admits it was a very low point for him.) It just makes me angry to think about being introduced to her in a group setting as if I should take her seriously and pretend to like her. Apparently she's not taken seriously by most of the group of friends anyway. I kind of feel like I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, but I can't help being angry and disgusted with her. I'm worried that she will come over and talk to us. I want to be gracious and show my boyfriend's group of friends how much I love him and support him and to not let her presence ruffle me. So I guess I'm just looking for some tips on what to say or how to act if indeed I do have to talk to her. In some odd way I feel as though this might be easier in some ways if it were a real ex-girlfriend, because then I would feel as though it were a person that, regardless of my own personal feelings, had been an important part of his life and someone that I should at least respect, if not like. I don't know if that makes any sense. I want to be graceful and polite, to mingle with my boyfriend's friends and show them how much I love and care for him, and to not let this girl ruin my night. I've actually considered not attending the wedding at all, but I don't want to upset my boyfriend who was looking forward to bringing me, and we have already RSVPed (before I knew about the girl). Any advice or stories of similar experiences would be so helpful to me. And in exchange, a bit of my own advice: don't settle for a relationship if you think you can find someone better and more compatible. I finally gave up a bad relationship and I've found the love of my life! Thanks, all.
RiverRunning Posted June 3, 2012 Posted June 3, 2012 I have to say that I do get the impression that you're jealous about her - and frankly I don't think there's ANYTHING wrong with that. One way or another, your boyfriend did sleep with her and did apparently find her physically attractive. Not only that, she's still involved in his life. My M.O. is that I'd never again date a guy who has a fling or an ex presently in his life in any way, but that's me. The wedding isn't going to be pleasant for you: that much is obvious. If she comes up to chat, you run the risk that she might be there the whole time gabbing it up with you guys (did she have feelings for your boyfriend?). Or, if she doesn't come up to you, you will likely feel tense the entire night wondering if she's ever going to come over to chat. On the downside, if you choose not to go, you have to wonder if she'll be chatting up your boyfriend while you're gone. As unpleasant as it might be, I'd say go. Dress for success and keep close to your boyfriend. If she comes over to chat, a simple, "Oh, it's very nice to meet you. I've heard so much about you. Well, come on boyfriend, let's go get some punch," should suffice. Try your best not to recite that line with so much venom, as hard as it may be. Kill 'em with kindness, as they say. I'd be polite and cordial to her but brief. You don't want to be her friend and you barely even want to meet her. I wouldn't approach her and if your boyfriend suggests dragging you over to meet her, I would honestly whisper to him, "I'm sorry, but I don't have any interest in her." Make it clear to your boyfriend that even if she's part of his circle, she's never going to become part of yours. My ex tried to do that with me: tried to get me in touch with his ex, tried to get us to be friends, etc. One of my friend's boyfriends has tried to do just the same with one of his exes. It's weird, uncomfortable and forceful. Stand your ground on that front. However great your boyfriend is, people can and do make some incredibly boneheaded moves. 1
Author silvergold Posted June 3, 2012 Author Posted June 3, 2012 I realize that it won't be a big deal to her - it probably won't even occur to her as awkward, as I'm sure she often runs into men she's slept with. And I can't help the way I feel, I can only try to get past it - hence coming here for advice and vent somewhere where I won't make drama with anyone involved. It's better than showing up to the wedding with unrealized emotions and being rude and making a bad impression. It's not about being angry at anyone for having had sex with each other - I've had sex with other people, too! It's about her general disrespect - sleeping with multiple men and him not finding out til after - and treatment of him. And it's about not wanting to have to meet her at all, but trying to suck it up and be calm and do it anyway.
Author silvergold Posted June 3, 2012 Author Posted June 3, 2012 As unpleasant as it might be, I'd say go. Dress for success and keep close to your boyfriend. If she comes over to chat, a simple, "Oh, it's very nice to meet you. I've heard so much about you. Well, come on boyfriend, let's go get some punch," should suffice. Try your best not to recite that line with so much venom, as hard as it may be. Kill 'em with kindness, as they say. I'd be polite and cordial to her but brief. You don't want to be her friend and you barely even want to meet her. I wouldn't approach her and if your boyfriend suggests dragging you over to meet her, I would honestly whisper to him, "I'm sorry, but I don't have any interest in her." This part was very helpful to me. I'm really concerned with the "what to say" part, because I care about making a good impression to the rest of the group and don't want to come off as crazy or rude. Apparently she's a somewhat peripheral friend in the group. Neither of us realized she'd be attending until very recently, after having RSVPed. I'll admit having been a little weirded out about the stripper thing at first, but he's said that I'm the prettiest girl he's ever dated and that EVERYTHING is better with me, and I choose to believe him rather than second guess myself. And besides, this is comparing a casual fling to one of the most serious relationships either of us has ever been in, so it's really apples and oranges. It's more about the initial shock of having to come face to face with an old flame of his when I've never been in that situation and how to handle it. Thanks for weighing in.
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