Shakira1904 Posted June 3, 2012 Posted June 3, 2012 Guys This is my first post - I need some advice and although I have never posted on a forum before, I was impressed with the advice and support given that I decided that with what I want to do I will need help, so I have turned to you guys for help. This may be a long story but I feel that it is important so that you understand the background and can advise me accordingly. So here goes; I have recently come out of an emotionally abusive, 20 year-long marriage and am dealing with it quite well. His is still the person he always was and dealing with him isn't a problem as I don't have any feelings for him at all. He, was until recently the only man I have ever been involved with. He or the divorce is not the issue but the other guy is. I started seeing this guy when I should have been dealing with emotionally healing myself but I was an wimp and latched onto him in the beginning thinking it would become something more than it was. It never was going to be as we live in different countries and he is not the type of personal that I would want to settle down with but as we were both working away from home and got on really well, we decided to be FWBs. We agreed that we would cease all contact when we returned home. Initially, it was very difficult for me as I was emotionally very weak and believe me I did some stupid things (like making an excuse to contact him when he would go quiet on me, text him and wait for a reply etc). He kept on telling me that I wouldn't be able to handle it but I wanted to prove it to myself that I was strong enough to let go of relationships (why I had to do this, I have no idea) but eventually I picked myself up and was more or less able to detach myself emotionally. During this initial time he used to tell me that I wouldn't be able to deal with it and also used to call me Glenn (from Fatal Attraction) which I told him I hated but to a certain extent think I did behave like but as I said I picked myself up and moved on. However, when we were supposed to go our separate ways he contacted me by email telling me that he had feelings for me and wanted us to stay in touch. With hindsight, I should have turned around and said no but the emotionally weak person was still there inside me although by this time I had changed significantly. Anyway, to cut a long story short we kept in contact. Initially we would message and Skype; we also saw each other for during a work conference that we both attended and the benefits side of things were ok but the contact started dwindling - which had happened before. When we initially got together he would contact me a lot but then this died down for no reason. He got busy with quite a big project so I let him be and although would wait for him to contact me, it did seem like I was always waiting. The messaging and Skyping had more or less ceased when he arranged for me to attend a conference with him which he arranged for his bosses to fully pay for. He has in the past told me that if he doesn't contact me doesn't mean he isn't thinking about me and he has not been seeing anyone else. He has also asked me if I have been sleeping with anyone else and does kind of get jealous if there are other guys paying me attention. But these are the characteristics of a boyfriend which he is unfortunately,not. Now, on to the reason that I need advice; when we were at this recent conference we said that we would meet again and also decided a place to visit together. We also spoke about me eventually meeting someone else and that he would like to know. However, he added that I should not just make someone up to make him jealous. I was hurt by these comments as I may have done this eight months ago but I have since changed drastically and he knows and acknowledges that. I didn't say anything at the time but this came up when I went to his room later in the evening and that is when I confronted him about his remarks. He told me I had too many problems but I have never shared any of my personal issues with him. I told him that and the fact that everyone has some sort of personal issues. In the end I just ended up leaving the room without him making an effort to stop me. The next day I was leaving in the morning and he rang from his room. He then asked me not to drink next time we met but I told him that I didn't want to go away with him and left it that. I returned home and he sent me a text the next day saying how he missed me and how it was boring without me. I replied immediately saying that I missed him too but we have had little contact since and I will be very honest that I cannot stop thinking about him. I know we are not meant to be and that this is not a 'relationship' but I need to get in control of this whole situation as it's not doing me any good. I hate being in this position and have decided that I need to end it completely. I would be lying if I didn't admit that I would love for him to say that he doesn't want it to end but I don't really think that is going to happen and deep down inside I know that I want it over as my ex played enough mind games with me during the past 20 years and I no longer want to play games any more or feel berated. I need your help in doing this and doing it right. I deleted all his emails and messages last night (which is a start). But I need to write something which will be blameless and give him the message that I no longer want any contact with him and keep it that way.
Author Shakira1904 Posted June 6, 2012 Author Posted June 6, 2012 Guys, come on there must be someone out there who can say something to me? I know it's a long post but I really do need advice.
mephisto Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 he is playing games and not that interested in this relationship. seems like you are his booty call for distraction. an interested man you will be able to spot him miles away, in his behaviour and how he deals with you. me personally would never get involved with someone married or just separated for the emotional baggage and the risk of going back to their ex. aside from that, i would suggest you to leave him cold turkey and to deal with your own home issues. you need to set up your own priorities to get out of this mess. Guys This is my first post - I need some advice and although I have never posted on a forum before, I was impressed with the advice and support given that I decided that with what I want to do I will need help, so I have turned to you guys for help. This may be a long story but I feel that it is important so that you understand the background and can advise me accordingly. So here goes; I have recently come out of an emotionally abusive, 20 year-long marriage and am dealing with it quite well. His is still the person he always was and dealing with him isn't a problem as I don't have any feelings for him at all. He, was until recently the only man I have ever been involved with. He or the divorce is not the issue but the other guy is. I started seeing this guy when I should have been dealing with emotionally healing myself but I was an wimp and latched onto him in the beginning thinking it would become something more than it was. It never was going to be as we live in different countries and he is not the type of personal that I would want to settle down with but as we were both working away from home and got on really well, we decided to be FWBs. We agreed that we would cease all contact when we returned home. Initially, it was very difficult for me as I was emotionally very weak and believe me I did some stupid things (like making an excuse to contact him when he would go quiet on me, text him and wait for a reply etc). He kept on telling me that I wouldn't be able to handle it but I wanted to prove it to myself that I was strong enough to let go of relationships (why I had to do this, I have no idea) but eventually I picked myself up and was more or less able to detach myself emotionally. During this initial time he used to tell me that I wouldn't be able to deal with it and also used to call me Glenn (from Fatal Attraction) which I told him I hated but to a certain extent think I did behave like but as I said I picked myself up and moved on. However, when we were supposed to go our separate ways he contacted me by email telling me that he had feelings for me and wanted us to stay in touch. With hindsight, I should have turned around and said no but the emotionally weak person was still there inside me although by this time I had changed significantly. Anyway, to cut a long story short we kept in contact. Initially we would message and Skype; we also saw each other for during a work conference that we both attended and the benefits side of things were ok but the contact started dwindling - which had happened before. When we initially got together he would contact me a lot but then this died down for no reason. He got busy with quite a big project so I let him be and although would wait for him to contact me, it did seem like I was always waiting. The messaging and Skyping had more or less ceased when he arranged for me to attend a conference with him which he arranged for his bosses to fully pay for. He has in the past told me that if he doesn't contact me doesn't mean he isn't thinking about me and he has not been seeing anyone else. He has also asked me if I have been sleeping with anyone else and does kind of get jealous if there are other guys paying me attention. But these are the characteristics of a boyfriend which he is unfortunately,not. Now, on to the reason that I need advice; when we were at this recent conference we said that we would meet again and also decided a place to visit together. We also spoke about me eventually meeting someone else and that he would like to know. However, he added that I should not just make someone up to make him jealous. I was hurt by these comments as I may have done this eight months ago but I have since changed drastically and he knows and acknowledges that. I didn't say anything at the time but this came up when I went to his room later in the evening and that is when I confronted him about his remarks. He told me I had too many problems but I have never shared any of my personal issues with him. I told him that and the fact that everyone has some sort of personal issues. In the end I just ended up leaving the room without him making an effort to stop me. The next day I was leaving in the morning and he rang from his room. He then asked me not to drink next time we met but I told him that I didn't want to go away with him and left it that. I returned home and he sent me a text the next day saying how he missed me and how it was boring without me. I replied immediately saying that I missed him too but we have had little contact since and I will be very honest that I cannot stop thinking about him. I know we are not meant to be and that this is not a 'relationship' but I need to get in control of this whole situation as it's not doing me any good. I hate being in this position and have decided that I need to end it completely. I would be lying if I didn't admit that I would love for him to say that he doesn't want it to end but I don't really think that is going to happen and deep down inside I know that I want it over as my ex played enough mind games with me during the past 20 years and I no longer want to play games any more or feel berated. I need your help in doing this and doing it right. I deleted all his emails and messages last night (which is a start). But I need to write something which will be blameless and give him the message that I no longer want any contact with him and keep it that way.
ladyabstrused Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 I need your help in doing this and doing it right. I deleted all his emails and messages last night (which is a start). But I need to write something which will be blameless and give him the message that I no longer want any contact with him and keep it that way. Just continue to NC and if he contacts you, just ignore? I mean, I know it's easier said then done, but yeah. Keep yourself distracted with other things or hobbies.
London Girl 8 Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 I know that no contact is difficult however you are dragging on the process. I totally get the waiting for a message or waiting by the phone, etc but it's not healthy and does not allow you to move on with your life. You could two things. 1) just don't reply to any messages no matter what he says, text a friend instead with the reply you would want to send to him or come here and post something. 2) I would avoid this but if you feel the need to tell him, you could just say you need to move on with your life and do not want to hear from him any more. If he tries to contact you, you will have to be the strong one and ignore him. Hope this helps somewhat.
Author Shakira1904 Posted June 6, 2012 Author Posted June 6, 2012 Thank you so very much for your posts - they give me the strength to do the right thing by me. Since my initial post he has been in touch and I have asked him to Skype on Friday. He says he will try but can't promise - so he will either turn up and tell me that he can't stay long or not show up at all. Either way I will tell him my decision and that's it - NC begins. I have now also deleted his numbers from my phone as we would whatsapp and it would drive me crazy that he would come online read my message and not reply or send a one liner at least! I would rather not know when he had been online. It's like mephisto said he's not that interested into this relationship - if he was he'd make sure I knew! Wish me luck guys that I can stay strong -I no longer want to be his booty call and get on with my life. I will keep you posted....
CopingGal Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 He's not emotionally invested in you. He's too wishy-washy. You should stay away from him. Take care.
Author Shakira1904 Posted June 9, 2012 Author Posted June 9, 2012 Update: After I told him that we needed to talk he sent me a few frantic messages asking why. I found it really endearing that he was worried that i was going to break up with him. You cannot imagine how great it made me feel. But I don't want to be delusional and know that things can not carry on the way they are so I thought I'd wait and see how the Skype conversation goes. Anyway, he couldn't Skype because he was watching the football with friends which I am totally ok with but I did expect him to send me a message the next morning. When he didn't I just put it down to the fact that maybe he's not up so I logged onto 'whatsapp' to ask him if he was free later to Skype and saw that he'd been online in the morning but hadn't texted me! I thought about it a bit and have now emailed him saying that it's all over - I have told him the whatsapp thing as I don't want to make any more excuses. I have explained that this isnt the main thing but if I've been contemplating a break up for some time then clearly something is wrong and neither of us can fix it. Strangely enough I feel quite relieved having sent it and have no regrets. In fact, I really don't want a reply (for now at least!) and hope that I haven't hurt him as I do care for him. I'll keep you guys posted....
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