yelloc Posted June 2, 2012 Posted June 2, 2012 Hi People. Bit of a long one this but hope you can stick it out. I met my wife 10 years or so ago when we where young and we got married about 5 years after having 2 children. I noticed a massive change in her a few years back when her brother separated and moved back home. I really tried with this guy who she adores but he was an opportunist and uses people for what he can get out of them and a bully towards Women. Not long after I took him out in my car to run him here,there and everywhere only for him to drop the hint that we should go out an pull women, I pointed out that I was married to his sister and he joked pretending he had forgot. Soon I started getting fed up of walking in from work to find him sat in my chair with my cup on my computer. So I decided to speak to my wife he started defending him so I backed down and she made it out to be me being jealous. But other family members of hers where pointing out that he was doing the same thing to them as I was complaining about only for me to be argued with. I noticed soon after that the things he had been egging me on to do he was doing to her too. At this point I was made to start sleeping on the sofa. Where I still am to this day. Then one evening she went out with her friends and the next morning I woke up to find she hadn't come home so I called and called her phone but never got a reply so I went to her friends house and her dad went up stairs to her room can said they were not there. So I went home and paced the house then my phone rang and she asked me to pick her up from her friends house so I went and picked her up and she told me she had stayed there. Later in the day I went on my computer and found her facebook page left on and she had added some guy as a friend and their behavior one there was flirty to say the least. They the guy came online and he started asking what she was doing that night so I typed that she was going out with her friends n a night out when her phone rang so I posted something but no reply anyway a couple of minutes later she finished the call and I asked who called her she said one of her friends names so I asked to see her caller id but she told me she had deleted it. I said well phone her back on loud speaker and say something like "Sorry I was cleaning up spilled milk when you called then, what did you say I forgot." But she wouldn't so I said yes because it was (guys name) not your friend, she looked like a rabbit in the head lights. She told me he added her but she searched for him and added him and I've never known her to look for anyone on facebook. If you knew her you would know this is massively out of character. Then the next day I visited this guys facebook page to read something like " I can't be with the girl I want because she was with someone else when we met." But I didn't mention it and she soon deleted him but then changed her passwords (see demands to know mine but goes nuts if I ask hers in return.) and put her phone on silent and has kept it that way ever since. Since this our marriage hasn't been the same. She is on antidepressants while I'm on the couch. She now pulls me down whenever she can and has a constant aggressive approach to me which I try and avoid confronting but have to on occasions. She now claims that I am lazy and do nothing around the house but she will bark orders at me. Do the dishes, hoover the floor, empty the bin then ten minutes later will call me lazy and say I never do anything around the house. I know I could do more but I think if I did everything she wanted me to do she would use me as a butler so I do a lot of what she wants but will draw the line especially if she asks me to help her do something and realize that she's sat watching me. We now don't really talk, if I speak to her I get a monotone, disinterested response. If I approach her, she'll turn her back on me and if I try to make I contact she says "My councilor said that's aggressive behavior trying to stare me out" but I'm trying to look into her eyes to she if she smiles or something. Surely it's natural to want to look into someones eyes if you love them.
robf1971 Posted June 2, 2012 Posted June 2, 2012 Hard to know what's really going on but it sounds like you've been a doormat for a very very long time and she's totally lost respect for you, a woman who doesn't respect a man can't love him. The fact that you are scared of confrontation with her is probably making you come off very passive aggresive. The cracks in your marriage are both your faults, however the fact that she's clearly cheating/ed on you is entirely hers. In my opinion, here's what you need to do. Wait until your wife is out. 1 Move back into the master bedroom 2. Pack her Brother's stuff and put it in the garage, tell him he's no longer welcome in your home. 3.Pack your wife's stuff into boxes, stick some of those 'flirty' Facebook messages on the boxes so she's clear why. Before you do this make sure you have a voice activated recorder on you in case they try to make trouble eg call the police and have you locked up. Then call a lawyer (don't file for divorce yet) but get protected, know where you stand and make sure you get 50/50 child care. Warning your wife will not take this lying down, she will explode, it's the first time you are standing up for yourself and being a man. You need to remain calm. If she starts shrieking at you, tell her 'wife, until you can speak to me in a respectful tone this conversation is over' Your job is then to get your life together, take up a new hobby, get fit, go to the gym etc, expand your social circle. It will taste like cr*p in your mouth at first but this is what you need to do. Ignore any form of cummunication from your wife unless it's about the kids. Voicemail can handle her calls. Give your wife her freedom, see how she likes it, you deserve better than what this marriage has become. If at some point SHE wants reconcilliation then thats for you to decide. However she needs to put in all the legwork for this. 1
Author yelloc Posted June 2, 2012 Author Posted June 2, 2012 Thanks for the reply. I did try and keep a long story short but I missed quite a bit of detail out. With regards to her brother, I decided to let her figure it out for herself. I just distanced myself from the house for a couple of weeks by working long hours and stuff. Once I stopped pointing out the things he was doing, my wife started noticing them. Instead of filling the car up on the way home I stopped and when she asked me to run her brother round I refused and told her I was too busy which led to confrontations but she soon started to complain when she would have to fill the car up and drive him around until the petrol tank was empty. They soon fell out and we don't really see him anymore. As for the flirty messages they have stopped or at least she has become a lot more secretive. I did keep one eye open for things but stopped noticing anything so I let it go. She doesn't really bother with her facebook account these days so I presume she has knocked that stuff on the head. I have spent a lot of the last few years thinking about whats going on and I'm starting to think that I kind of get an idea. When she was young she was abused by a person close to her and she also had a really controlling father. Now I was brought up to believe a man was a man and was head of the house. His job is to provide for his family and to be a gentleman to his wife and a big softy to his children. But I tend to get the impression that my wife doesn't like the idea, she comes across very controlling and she reacts by attacking anything I mention about manning up or being am man. If ever I do anything to make myself feel proud of what I've done and I come home and tell her the good news I get shot down. for example, one day I walked into the house and said "I got promoted in work today." My reply was "Well you quit you last job, I can't see it lasting." But I quit my last job when her depression started so I could help her out and spend more time helping her out with the kids. This was about the time her brother moved back to the area after splitting up with his wife and they would spend time talking about their past which I think brought bad memories back for her that she never spoke about. She sometimes accuses me of being insecure but I put it down to the fact that she at times really distances herself from me and goes really secretive. I start asking her if shes ok and try and give her a hug and tell her I love her but she will push me further away. I feel that she likes to have me at her side but she is always cold with me but if I come across as cold then she will become aggressive and say I'm being horrible. If I'm on my computer she will say its my mistress but I don't kick the backside out of it. She always demands me to be in the same room as her like she always needs me around but at the say time she always pulls me down and likes to get snide comments in at me. Last year I simply got to the point where I'd had enough and calmly said " What you said was totally out of order, I'm going to stay at my mums." I packed my things while she was screaming " Go on, f off." But within a day she came round and apologized but the thing is I really relaxed and felt settled and comfortable at my mums. She was really nice to me until I can home but within a week she was back to herself.
robf1971 Posted June 3, 2012 Posted June 3, 2012 when she asked me to run her brother round I refused and told her I was too busy . You are Passive Aggresive to the nth degree. You to wife. 'Wife I'm fed up with spending my hard earned money on your waster of a brother, so I will no longer fill up the tank for him' would have been honest, direct and to the point. Thats what you were thinking but you knew your wife would have flipped out, at that point to calmly call an end to the conversation until she can speak to you in a respectful tone would have been appropriate. However I promise you it would have worked.
robf1971 Posted June 3, 2012 Posted June 3, 2012 Hi People. the bin then ten minutes later will call me lazy and say I never do anything around the house. Next time she says that to you, hand her the broom and tell her to do it herself, calmly of course. Next time she criticises you at your job ' Tell her to go get a job' (I'm assuming she doesn't have one) or Wife, I'm sick of going out to work and you criticising me whatever I do, If you want more money go and get a job yourself
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