the_avarice Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 Firstly, I am mostly a novice at dating. I've done it but I'm mostly career oriented. I prefer serious monogamous relationships (laugh here). Anyway, while I finished my graduate degree, I also worked a library where an attractive girl of the same ethnic background would walk around. Since I worked there a lot, I got her name but I never bothered doing anything (laugh here). Even more creepy, when I told my friend about it he used my facebook account to add her (without my consent). Weirdly, she accepted the request. After quitting the library and defending my thesis, I attended a talk which she also attends. I introduce myself. Throughout the whole talk, she can't get wireless, so I offer my tablet which she then proceeds to tweet the whole time. After the talk, she thanks me for letting her use my tablet. I said "no problem". I later see her again at the library where we chat and she thanks me again.... I repeat "no problem". I go home and she writes: "I really appreciated your help with the tablet. Let me know when you're next at the library and I'll buy you coffee". I am no expert on dating or women but that seems like an invitation to at least chat. Since she thanks me three times , I thought it kinda obvious but I could be wrong. I reply with "My pleasure, no problem [blah blah] . I am usually near campus on most days, let me know what days work for you. BTW, Should I get a twitter account? I might be missing out". She doesn’t respond for about two weeks – strange. I try and book a date but she responds late the day of. I try to reschedule but she ignores my last message about meeting up. I would normally stop here but my friends tell me to keep going to overcome my inactive personality When a cultural holiday comes up ( we are of the same background), I send her a season’s-greetings type of message. She ignores it. I am offended at this point. So when I see her at a talk, I just say Hi and ignore her. I don’t even make conversation. Of course, the next day she messages me apologizing for the delay and her messages “get lost” – makes perfect sense.. I see her one time at a social event but I ignore her just saying Hi. Nevertheless, my oneitis is strong and she seems interesting so I decide to go on. I then see her frequently at the library. I get up the nerve to talk to her but I don’t pull the trigger for coffee. I finally get the balls and do it and she eagerly accepts. She offers her number but her friends stop me and say “just tweet her”. I do that and coffee goes great and “says thank you for the break” She’s honest but says something stupid “My friends kept saying we were flirting but I kept insisting we’re just friends” – strange. Anyway, at the end of the night I boldly ask for her number which she gives. I don’t text immediately as I fall violently ill. I text in about 3-4 days saying I am ill asking how she’s doing. She makes conversation but ignores one of my texts. I would normally stop here but my friends tell me to keep going to overcome my inactive personality I see her a week later at the library, and ask her to coffee again but this time she says “ I already have this one”… weird? I would normally stop here but my friends tell me to keep going to overcome my inactive personality She’s clearly not playing ball but I decide to text her one more time for coffee. She immediately responds and I offer specific dates in the afternoon (I work mornings). She can’t commit as she’s “moving” and she’ll get back to me. In the meatime, her social media behavior is bizarre. She’s deactivating facebook. She’s locking/unlocking twitter. She’s changing her description, and mentioning her grad school acceptance in another city etc… She finally does get back to me and oddly offers a morning. I decline and suggest the afternoon of the same day and even the next week. She doesn’t reply at all. I text her one more time explaining my job is in the mornings and I could not meet up that Thursday. She replies the same day apologizing for the delay and how she has a hectic week and that we can meet up some other week. She is clearly blowing me off. I bump into her the day after she sends the text and I just say “hey” and walk along. She does likewise. I am fairly sure it’s over. My questions are “was I too weak?” “did I slow play it?” “was she somewhat interested and lost it?; or was she never interested?” Part of the reason for the explicit detail for each text is because I have received multiple criticism. Some have said I shouldn’t blow off a girl the way I did. I personally think she purposefully picked that date knowing I couldn’t make it. Even if I did make it she would have blown me off. I don’t know why but I need to know what I did and why I couldn’t make this work. It’s for my own benefit and my oneitis is going strong and have to wait it out. Any thoughts welcome.
TripLine Posted May 31, 2012 Posted May 31, 2012 I have actually asked a girl to come hang out with me and my friends, TWICE during the same conversation. She smiled and said no (she didn't speak English, but that's beside the point). It felt really good that I was even brave enough to do so, but it sounds like you went on a tear and kept nagging 3-4 times for "coffee". I usually think no means no the first time. Your friends are funny and evil for keeping you at it, but you need to learn that if she doesn't want to, then let it be.
Author the_avarice Posted May 31, 2012 Author Posted May 31, 2012 I have actually asked a girl to come hang out with me and my friends, TWICE during the same conversation. She smiled and said no (she didn't speak English, but that's beside the point). It felt really good that I was even brave enough to do so, but it sounds like you went on a tear and kept nagging 3-4 times for "coffee". I usually think no means no the first time. Your friends are funny and evil for keeping you at it, but you need to learn that if she doesn't want to, then let it be. but she said yes the first time. I'm confused
ASG Posted May 31, 2012 Posted May 31, 2012 I think you were fine. She's just not interested. Let it go and move on! 1
Author the_avarice Posted May 31, 2012 Author Posted May 31, 2012 thanks a lot! I have one more question. After I got the number, should I have texted ASAP?
lso802 Posted May 31, 2012 Posted May 31, 2012 i agree with asg. from your description, i thought you were fine. there's nothing else you could've done to change the outcome. when a woman isn't interested, she's just not.
Emilia Posted May 31, 2012 Posted May 31, 2012 I think she was always just being social and when she offered that coffee originally it wasn't as a date. From the way she subsequently handled your correspondence I'd say she tried to discourage you from chasing her by being vague.
gaius Posted May 31, 2012 Posted May 31, 2012 You gave her the lead in the relationship. Added her to facebook without pursuing, helped her out with the wireless without pursuing. Until she finally mentioned coffee and then you tried to go for her idea. Even basically told her you're around whenever she wants. It's not a great idea to be that passive and submissive in pursuit, it's usually a turnoff to most women. You started trying to take charge a little after she ignored you, but by then it was too late. I agree with everyone else that she probably wasn't into you anyways, so no harm done. In the future you might want to try and set the tone a little more though.
Author the_avarice Posted May 31, 2012 Author Posted May 31, 2012 Thanks for your input. I keep going over the stupid mistakes I made. I can't help to get the feeling that after she gave me her number I had a small sliver of hope but becasue I delayed even texting her, she got annoyed. is it idiotic that I still hold out hope that she might contact me again?
Author the_avarice Posted May 31, 2012 Author Posted May 31, 2012 You gave her the lead in the relationship. Added her to facebook without pursuing, helped her out with the wireless without pursuing. Until she finally mentioned coffee and then you tried to go for her idea. Even basically told her you're around whenever she wants. It's not a great idea to be that passive and submissive in pursuit, it's usually a turnoff to most women. You started trying to take charge a little after she ignored you, but by then it was too late. I agree with everyone else that she probably wasn't into you anyways, so no harm done. In the future you might want to try and set the tone a little more though. Are you suggesting she was into me from the start and I did nothing?
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