my ex got a (rebound) relationship after 3 months.chances to get her back eventually?

[Gentleman83]

Hi,

 

ive had a relationship with this girl for 10 months and broke up with me at the start of this year. The breakup was a bit emotional and she cried for 2 hours at my home and she even gave me tears.... ( i know this aint good for a guy but i really felt heartbroken and she cried so i saw she was really having a hard time).

 

She now has a new lover and there was 3 months between us. She probably already dated with him before that time so i am not sure. She still wants to remain friends with me and wants to meet in the future to drink something at her new home. Why? i don't know but she still has a special place in my heart and i am not sure if she is in a rebound or not.

 

She told me last week she met a new guy and this love was "sooooo great for her and she feels so condifent with him around".

Why tell me this information? i didnt even ask for it.

I guarded myself and just said i was happy for her! i didnt show any emotion and she was quite surprised i acted like that. and she then replied "Thats how fast it can go! ;)"

I still didnt bite and said thats great, i am just interested so hows it going sofar with him?.

Maybe i shouldnt have said that because she then replied "well i dont want to talk about him with you".

 

I was like okay? Telling me you have a new lover but leave it vague. She then said "i hope you will find someone also or you already have someone? :)"

I then replied i was dating with a girl and only had 2 dates with her but it was nothing serious yet. I am not showing her i am waiting for her or that i am desperate!

 

Anyway whats the best thing i can do? i broke NC after 6 weeks and she was happy i contacted her and i contacted her a few days after that and she told me about the new relationship. Since then i didnt send any more to her and she didnt send my anything either. Maybe i should leave her for several months in that relationship to see if it breaks or not? and i just move on and work on myself?

Well it is hard but i dont see any option so maybe someone else have some experience with this or some advice? the communication lines are open and we talked normal with eachother last time. I still have a connection with her sister but i know you should leave relatives out of the scene because that would only backfire...

 

Sigh,.. any advice or tips are really welcome. I am really like, moving on for good.... but she ment so much to me and we always enjoyed eachother company, never had fights...

 

Regards,

 

Gentleman83.

[Gulf-Delta]

Hi,

 

ive had a relationship with this girl for 10 months and broke up with me at the start of this year. The breakup was a bit emotional and she cried for 2 hours at my home and she even gave me tears.... ( i know this aint good for a guy but i really felt heartbroken and she cried so i saw she was really having a hard time).

 

She now has a new lover and there was 3 months between us. She probably already dated with him before that time so i am not sure. She still wants to remain friends with me and wants to meet in the future to drink something at her new home. Why? i don't know but she still has a special place in my heart and i am not sure if she is in a rebound or not.

 

She told me last week she met a new guy and this love was "sooooo great for her and she feels so condifent with him around".

Why tell me this information? i didnt even ask for it.

I guarded myself and just said i was happy for her! i didnt show any emotion and she was quite surprised i acted like that. and she then replied "Thats how fast it can go! ;)"

I still didnt bite and said thats great, i am just interested so hows it going sofar with him?.

Maybe i shouldnt have said that because she then replied "well i dont want to talk about him with you".

 

I was like okay? Telling me you have a new lover but leave it vague. She then said "i hope you will find someone also or you already have someone? :)"

I then replied i was dating with a girl and only had 2 dates with her but it was nothing serious yet. I am not showing her i am waiting for her or that i am desperate!

 

Anyway whats the best thing i can do? i broke NC after 6 weeks and she was happy i contacted her and i contacted her a few days after that and she told me about the new relationship. Since then i didnt send any more to her and she didnt send my anything either. Maybe i should leave her for several months in that relationship to see if it breaks or not? and i just move on and work on myself?

Well it is hard but i dont see any option so maybe someone else have some experience with this or some advice? the communication lines are open and we talked normal with eachother last time. I still have a connection with her sister but i know you should leave relatives out of the scene because that would only backfire...

 

Sigh,.. any advice or tips are really welcome. I am really like, moving on for good.... but she ment so much to me and we always enjoyed eachother company, never had fights...

 

Regards,

 

Gentleman83.

 

Stay NC for a little bit. Wait till she comes crawling back to you, and then make a THOUGHT OUT decision about if you want her back. In the meantime, focus on your new girl, make things happen with other chicks. The time to entertain the thought of getting her back is not now, but rather if/when she comes back with an apology/explanation and mentions, at the very least, close friendship. And even then you should SERIOSULY tihnk about it.

 

Be prepared for a long wait.

[mephisto]

MIND GAMES!!

Obviously she is trying to get a reaction from you to see how much this whole new guy business bothers you.

Why ? Maybe to test waters, maybe just to see if you still got feelings for her or maybe to upset you BUT what is clear to me is that she is not that happy to have contacted you. PERIOD!

If you stop replying to her she will go nuts and probably show up at your place.

Women like this got very low self esteem and dont know how to handle well thier emotions thus she is afraid of you rejecting her. Thats why this whole guy business thing and trying to make you jealous so you go and fight for her so she doesnt look desperate.

I dont know how she is in real life but if for the rest she is ok and you want her back, then this is your chance.

If not a good person then ignore her completely.

 

 

 

 

Hi,

 

ive had a relationship with this girl for 10 months and broke up with me at the start of this year. The breakup was a bit emotional and she cried for 2 hours at my home and she even gave me tears.... ( i know this aint good for a guy but i really felt heartbroken and she cried so i saw she was really having a hard time).

 

She now has a new lover and there was 3 months between us. She probably already dated with him before that time so i am not sure. She still wants to remain friends with me and wants to meet in the future to drink something at her new home. Why? i don't know but she still has a special place in my heart and i am not sure if she is in a rebound or not.

 

She told me last week she met a new guy and this love was "sooooo great for her and she feels so condifent with him around".

Why tell me this information? i didnt even ask for it.

I guarded myself and just said i was happy for her! i didnt show any emotion and she was quite surprised i acted like that. and she then replied "Thats how fast it can go! ;)"

I still didnt bite and said thats great, i am just interested so hows it going sofar with him?.

Maybe i shouldnt have said that because she then replied "well i dont want to talk about him with you".

 

I was like okay? Telling me you have a new lover but leave it vague. She then said "i hope you will find someone also or you already have someone? :)"

I then replied i was dating with a girl and only had 2 dates with her but it was nothing serious yet. I am not showing her i am waiting for her or that i am desperate!

 

Anyway whats the best thing i can do? i broke NC after 6 weeks and she was happy i contacted her and i contacted her a few days after that and she told me about the new relationship. Since then i didnt send any more to her and she didnt send my anything either. Maybe i should leave her for several months in that relationship to see if it breaks or not? and i just move on and work on myself?

Well it is hard but i dont see any option so maybe someone else have some experience with this or some advice? the communication lines are open and we talked normal with eachother last time. I still have a connection with her sister but i know you should leave relatives out of the scene because that would only backfire...

 

Sigh,.. any advice or tips are really welcome. I am really like, moving on for good.... but she ment so much to me and we always enjoyed eachother company, never had fights...

 

Regards,

 

Gentleman83.

[Mack05]

Raise above it. GO NC and move on. My ex did the same to me. Made me aware she met a new guy, 2 months after we properly finished and how perfect he is and how easy things are with him. Yawn.

 

Nothing like living your life in total denial. If these girls were really happy, they wouldn't feel the need to flaunt it in your face. Not only that but do you really want a girl like this back, who behaves so immaturely? She has filled an emotional gap in her the wrong way. Yes she believes she is happy and that things are great. Good luck to her, rebounds always have a way of coming back and biting you HARD in the ass..

 

The question you need to come to terms with is not if she will ever come back, but why would you ever want her back? She has pissed on your memory together by getting involved so quickly with a new guy and then has the nerve to tell you how happy she is. Leave the baby have her bottle, in the meantime focus on your healing and that question -> "why you would ever want her back"...That is a far healthier way of dealing with the aftermath of a breakup. Sooner or later the rose tinted glasses will come off and you will see her for what she truly is, instead of idealizing her and remembering the good times. Once that happens you can resolve what is up with you because no emotionally healthy man would want a girl like this back.

Edited May 29, 2012 by Mack05

[Gentleman83]

First of all, thanks all for your replies!

 

It is a good question if you want her back, i asked it myself and i would still work towards a new good relationship. You need to work things out very carefully and i won't just jump right into it as nothing ever happened. But she was really good for me when we were in a relationship. She just had a lot of issues while she was still living at her parents place. We have a LDR if you can call it like that. We live 40 minutes apart by car in a different city. So we only saw each other each weekend because of those issues. She didn’t want to saddle me up with those issues and wanted to sort things out.

 

And that’s what I am thinking also "Why would she tell me how happy she is? What’s the point of that, she either wants a reaction / jealousy / see if I want her back?... or she is really being honest? But that would be an awkward way.

 

She has a beautiful smile / eyes, has a good sense of humor, well educated, we like to do a lot of similar things in life, sharing the same interest in music and movies. Just a few minor things which we don’t share, having a few differences is actually good.

 

[FONT=Calibri]I know she pissed on my memory if you like to say it that way. But if you can’t forgive people for being the way they are then you can hardly ever fix issues in your live. Nobody is perfect and neither am I, I also had my flaws and I should show her that I changed as well because I didn’t show my backbone and I was way too friendly to her. I may forgive but I will not forget so that’s why I would have a good conversation with her first before I would try and build a new relationship with her. Not on the old foundation but on a new one or else it will not survive.[/FONT]

 

[FONT=Calibri]@ mephisto, if you think this is my chance then what would you suggest I do? She only has a relationship with him for like 1 week officially I guess.[/FONT]

 

[FONT=Calibri]Think the options are rather NC for the moment and let her contact me? Or was it a hint I should have some tactics to get her back before it is too late and they start falling in love when the honeymoon in their relationship is over?[/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[Mack05]

She has a beautiful smile / eyes, has a good sense of humor, well educated, we like to do a lot of similar things in life, sharing the same interest in music and movies. Just a few minor things which we don’t share, having a few differences is actually good.

 

My ex has all those things. In fact IMO her eyes are the most beautiful on planet earth! Doesn't mean we are a good fit together. I can tell a mile off your relationship communication was poor and this woman is not emotionally mature.

 

With these women their feelings 'go' yet they don't have the ability to communicate this to you while its happening, because most of the time they are not self aware to it. It's like they wake up one morning and say"hhmmm don't like/love him anymore". Wake up a few mornings later after that and think "I'm over him, cause its been happening awhile". A few mornings after that and they are thinking "I'm lonely", a few mornings after that again "oh, he is cute think I will go on a date with him".

 

A few months (or more) of new honeymoon bliss and the world is rosy only for them to notice unexpected and unforeseen issues arising, because they never dealt with their own issues like emotional immaturity and bad communication (sometimes poor coping skills under emotional distress). They never properly dealt with the aftermath of a previous relationship, no matter who much they believe they have. They fooled themselves and almost inevitably pay the consequences further down the road.

 

What is happening here is your inability to see what's happening under the surface. To view things outside the box. I had the exact same problem, which told me as I was just as immature as my ex -> Think about it..I would be amazed if this girl ever comes back and if she does, it's not good news for you. She will leave again, just a matter of when. You need a look more then sense of humour, nice eyes, education to make a relationship work..Until your ex understand the complexities of her problems she will bounce from guy to guy looking for the impossible dream, not understanding why it can never be achieved. In the meantime you need to focus solely on you and not hope this girl comes back. Your communication and emotional immaturity is as poor as hers..

Edited May 29, 2012 by Mack05

[mephisto]

First of all let me tell you that Mack05 is giving you tough love but he is right, she is very immature and selfish and I dont foresee this changing in the short term or due to a long conversation.

Whre is your chance ? Here, triggering all her fears and hitting hard her ego.

I had almost your same situation with an immature,selfish and manipulative girlfriend. They feed on the ego and seeing you having a hard time while they are being happy.

I reversed the table by hitting on her weak points (ego) and before I knew it she was asking to meet me.

Sure, we hit it off, amazing sex but once they have you back to square one.

Thats why so many people here on this forum pay more attention to characters than to problems because it is in their genes, in their character and that is quite difficult to change.

And once you get into a cycle style it is quite hard to change it. Easier to invest all that energy on a new relationship.

My advise ? Cut off communication, wait till you clear up your head, see her for what she really is vs. what you think of her and then decide.

 

 

 

 

 

First of all, thanks all for your replies!

 

It is a good question if you want her back, i asked it myself and i would still work towards a new good relationship. You need to work things out very carefully and i won't just jump right into it as nothing ever happened. But she was really good for me when we were in a relationship. She just had a lot of issues while she was still living at her parents place. We have a LDR if you can call it like that. We live 40 minutes apart by car in a different city. So we only saw each other each weekend because of those issues. She didn’t want to saddle me up with those issues and wanted to sort things out.

 

And that’s what I am thinking also "Why would she tell me how happy she is? What’s the point of that, she either wants a reaction / jealousy / see if I want her back?... or she is really being honest? But that would be an awkward way.

 

She has a beautiful smile / eyes, has a good sense of humor, well educated, we like to do a lot of similar things in life, sharing the same interest in music and movies. Just a few minor things which we don’t share, having a few differences is actually good.

 

[FONT=Calibri]I know she pissed on my memory if you like to say it that way. But if you can’t forgive people for being the way they are then you can hardly ever fix issues in your live. Nobody is perfect and neither am I, I also had my flaws and I should show her that I changed as well because I didn’t show my backbone and I was way too friendly to her. I may forgive but I will not forget so that’s why I would have a good conversation with her first before I would try and build a new relationship with her. Not on the old foundation but on a new one or else it will not survive.[/FONT]

 

[FONT=Calibri]@ mephisto, if you think this is my chance then what would you suggest I do? She only has a relationship with him for like 1 week officially I guess.[/FONT]

 

[FONT=Calibri]Think the options are rather NC for the moment and let her contact me? Or was it a hint I should have some tactics to get her back before it is too late and they start falling in love when the honeymoon in their relationship is over?[/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[Gentleman83]

I understand what you mean but I can go on for a while about the things I liked about her and our relationship. Of course it is not only her eyes and smile which make me feel I want her back. I am only mentioning that because the first time I saw her the first thing I noticed her beautiful eyes and smile... of course this won’t keep you together but it brought me to her... and then her personality and my personality kept us together. And yes something broke us after 10 months but it does not have to mean that people will not evolve and I am not staring myself blind to a 100% chance to get her back so it is good to realize that things could never work out and she might find the Mr. right in him. I will not make my final decision based on what I experience now but maybe when we sit down and talk for the first time after such a long time. Maybe I am just like “you are a fine girl but I rather stay friends as well”. Maybe I notice she is still immature and I would rather stay friends. I am evolving but she needs to evolve also because I would not take her back the way it is now.

 

May i ask how you reversed that table and hit her ego with it?

[mephisto]

You, like me and like many men in this forum will go to bed with our ex's as soon as we get the smallest chance and regardless of all the pain they inflicted on us.

Just be carefull with the "lets remain friends"

How did I do it ? Told her she could go to the Moon and back that I was fully aware she loved me and told her that if she was the shadow of my "new" girlfriend I would be chasing her like crazy.

She got worked up, started to cry, intensified her contacts, asked to meet, almost had sex on the street and before I knew it we where back with the same issues!!

They just dont change, they came back cause they saw you as a challenge,nothing else.

Final product ? Everybody playing mind games to keep up something that should be happening naturally and supported on mutual respect.

And all that was missing so failure didnt take long to show up again.

I didnt get hurt this time around but I learnt a huge lesson : we are not meant for everybody,anybody.

It is quite difficult to walk away from a bad deal,always thinking we can make it good. Well,good luck with it!

 

 

 

 

 

I understand what you mean but I can go on for a while about the things I liked about her and our relationship. Of course it is not only her eyes and smile which make me feel I want her back. I am only mentioning that because the first time I saw her the first thing I noticed her beautiful eyes and smile... of course this won’t keep you together but it brought me to her... and then her personality and my personality kept us together. And yes something broke us after 10 months but it does not have to mean that people will not evolve and I am not staring myself blind to a 100% chance to get her back so it is good to realize that things could never work out and she might find the Mr. right in him. I will not make my final decision based on what I experience now but maybe when we sit down and talk for the first time after such a long time. Maybe I am just like “you are a fine girl but I rather stay friends as well”. Maybe I notice she is still immature and I would rather stay friends. I am evolving but she needs to evolve also because I would not take her back the way it is now.

 

May i ask how you reversed that table and hit her ego with it?

[Mack05]

I had almost your same situation with an immature,selfish and manipulative girlfriend. They feed on the ego and seeing you having a hard time while they are being happy..

Isn't amazing after you have been with one of these women how easy they are to spot!

 

Staying friends is a no/no -> "After a breakup the work each person has to do is lose the couple identity. Each person needs to establish again his or hers identity and no longer see themselves as part of the couple they once were. Therefore being friends in the aftermath of a breakup is a complete NO NO! The atmosphere is too emotionally charged. You both need time to get yourselves together. If you leave each other alone initially you may come back later as saner, more grounded people with a better chance of being friends. But right now you need to concentrate on yourself and your healing.."

 

The problem right now is your heart is ruling your head. You might need to learn the harsh lessons (like most of us do) but that is ok. As long as those lessons are learnt, that is the crucial thing. It took me longer then most to learn mine.

 

You should go NC but I get the feeling you are going to follow your heart here. You are human after all. That will envariably lead you to further pain and longer recovery. It's easy for me to give advice. I am not emotionally compromised, but right now its like me (other posters) seeing a very clear picture that your heart won't allow you to see. We have travelled down that road (ignored the right advice) and experienced the hurt. For me it was a good thing. It could be for you too

Edited May 29, 2012 by Mack05

[Gentleman83]

I won’t go to bed with her straight away because I don’t want to hurt myself if she is just doing it for the sex.

I did an NC for 6 weeks and then I opened the door slightly to see how she was reacting towards me. She was happy I was speaking to her again but I started it cool and calm without any emotions as I did not want to rush in.

Although I think the NC didn’t do much rather than healing me and I think that’s the only purpose about NC.

Most of the time ex.’s won’t get back together but I know a few relationships which ended and got eventually back together.

1 relationship came back after 1 year without any contact and the other after 1 month when they kept contact.

Sometimes it is worth to chase your dream and being patient is the key but you need to be very strong and evolve a lot if you think you can get back together.

I must admit I am not sure about that, I am not sure if she would even want me back but she can’t say goodbye either.

I just have a big decision to make,… being strong and patient or let her go for good and delete all her contact info and just keep all the photo’s/video’s and memories and cherish what we had.

[EmergenC]

You definitely need to go NC on this one.

 

10 months and you only saw her on weekends? You might be reading a little too much into how much of a genuine bond you had with this person.

 

Either way, you need to man up and drop all and any contact and let the future take care of itself. I wouldn't even really call it a rebound she's got into after 3 months. Just let it go, stay strong and see how YOU feel in 6 months time.

[Gentleman83]

hmm k, true but that is because we both live in different cities and we both have our jobs and she was still living at her parents.

She lives and works in her city and i live and work in my city so thats why we always saw eachother in the weekend.

 

I just bought a car and she now lives on her own and i hoped that it would change the things so i could go to her during working days.

But now when she has a new bf and saying she is "soooooo happy and feels confident with him" i am like i have zero chance now and she has moved on indeed.

 

Should i just get rid of her contact info? telephone nr / whatsapp / ping / msn etc etc....? I think i can only move on when i know for sure that we can never be together again.

 

Should i be mature and have a last talk with her because she ment so much to me or should i let it be like it is...?