maysj18 Posted May 29, 2012 Posted May 29, 2012 I always struggle with emotionally exposing myself. Not because I have anything to hide, but I don't like feeling vulnerable. I also struggle with being affectionate. I feel so uncomfortable with PDA, but I crave it at the same time. I love the idea of holding hands or getting a random hug while shopping or something, but when it happens I immediately feel very self conscious and smothered. What the hell? I feel like this may drive guys away because I'm sure they feel friendzoned since most dates are out in public. Has anyone ever experienced this and gotten over it? Any advice?
d'Arthez Posted May 29, 2012 Posted May 29, 2012 Just a couple of questions: How much real life (I saw you had been in an LDR, but that does not really help with this) relationship experience do you have? Do your views of relationships clash with traditional notions of relationships? I ask because, you may have come to identify PDA with the idea of being dependent on someone else. As such, you may end up constantly oscillating between holding hands and not holding hands, and never being comfortable in the process? Have you had bad romantic experiences? Either in your own life, or seen dysfunctional relationships to people you are close to?
Author maysj18 Posted May 30, 2012 Author Posted May 30, 2012 Just a couple of questions: How much real life (I saw you had been in an LDR, but that does not really help with this) relationship experience do you have? Do your views of relationships clash with traditional notions of relationships? I ask because, you may have come to identify PDA with the idea of being dependent on someone else. As such, you may end up constantly oscillating between holding hands and not holding hands, and never being comfortable in the process? Have you had bad romantic experiences? Either in your own life, or seen dysfunctional relationships to people you are close to While I've casually hung out with quite a few people, nothing has been substantial enough to even call it a relationship. The only one that stands out other than my LDR was dysfunctional and ended badly. So, you could say I'm pretty inexperienced. My mom and dad divorced. I'm extremely close to both, but they suck at relationships. Dad has had 3 failed marriages and mom has been on and off with her boyfriend for years. I have never felt affected by this though. I'm very different than both my parents in how I view love and relationships. I'm more of an avoider, while they both come off needy.
d'Arthez Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 It takes time to get comfortable around people. At first, when you meet people you don't really know where you stand. You have but a limited idea of what goes on in their lives, what their interests are, what their views on relationships are etc.. This can be a big problem, especially if you are an avoider - you don't really get involved, and you don't let yourself get involved too much with others, in fear of getting hurt. Even though not getting hurt is hurting you as well. The models provided by both your parents don't help either. Because in the back of your mind, you always wonder about yourself if you come across as needy when you express your needs (a big difference between needy people and avoiding people is that the needy at least expresses their needs). This definitely drive some guys away. They will find it difficult to understand you, since you don't give them much to work with. I assume that you feel you are not ready for more "private" date settings, by the time they have lost interest? How much do you talk about yourself in date settings? And about him? Am I correct that this problem of avoidance, is far less severe in your social circle of friends? If that is the case, you could use your social circle to find guys for relationships. It definitely could help to be quite upfront about you being slow to warm up - it is part of your character, and it is not like you can change much about that. You can try to be more open and more responsive - but only within limitations that you are comfortable with. It takes time and experience to push your boundaries a bit further out.
aiyam Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 How old are you now? I think it takes time and experiences to get comfortable to someone, and at different levels. I, myself have been uneasy on guys, on affections. I didn't know exactly how I faced it, but looking back I think I just learned to deal with people, with guys. Before, I was just open up to talking on the phone, even for long hours. But when I see the person, I tend to get shy and just become different from the one they talk with. But as time pass by, I just notice that I somehow got comfortable, talking, then going out on dates, as a group then just me and the person, and develop a real relationship. The first bf I had, well, it wasn't exactly a relationship. Yes, we are committed to one another, but we really never had the chance to get to know each other more during the relationship, and we don't go out because I wasn't ready and I don't think he was also mature enough back then to initiate the process for me. Then we decided to end it.Then I had this suitor, much older than me, and he was so affectionate, he was very eager. But it was a surprise for me, I wasn't ready to be in that serious relationship at that time, thou I was attacted to him. I become afraid. So I let him go. Somehow, in the end,I wanted him but I knew it was too late. There, I learned that you have to try, risk, and let the person know how you feel. Few months more, I met a guy. Older than me again, and i was attracted to him. We went out, he courted me,and may be because he was older and had much experience and maturity, he knew how to handle such situations. We had a relationship. My first serious relationship. It was good. It was bad. But more importantly, I learned a lot. I loved truly, and felt loved. I was true to myself, and to him, and to the relationship. I was comfortable on expressing my feelings, and loved seeing how he felt for me. But also, that was my first real heartbreak. All in all. I think you should not hurry yourself in the process. It will make you feel more pressured leading to being untrue and uncomfortable to yourself. Just go with your gut, on how you feel. In time, you will be more open to others, and you'll enjoy the feeling, which is what matters most.
wordrock Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 I love the idea of holding hands or getting a random hug while shopping or something, but when it happens I immediately feel very self conscious and smothered. What the hell? I feel like this may drive guys away because I'm sure they feel friendzoned since most dates are out in public. Has anyone ever experienced this and gotten over it? Any advice? I've dated a couple women like you. I'm not sure they really got over it... from my perspective it was more that I learned to recognize such traits in them... so I was just very patient and persistent without being aggressive or annoying. In both cases it resulted in a very passionate and fiery romance. I think it's partially because when someone puts up so much resistance, it's a bit shocking and mind blowing to finally make a connection. However, although a persistent and patient guy might be able to get around this wall you put up, you might not be all that emotionally compatible with him. I was always enamored enough to pursue when other guys felt put off, but it made me a little blind to other traits that should have told me we were not a good long term match. That kind of situation could lead to both of you feeling a great deal of loss when things don't work out... particularly with so much invested just trying to achieve what so many couples seem to do without effort. Speaking from experience. Neither relationship worked out. Because of this, I think you should consider going into therapy... and that doesn't mean I think there is something wrong with you. But therapists are usually good at helping you work out a plan to get around blocks like yours. You could be keeping out that really great guy you are compatible with. 1
heatherfeather Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 I am the exact opposite, I wear my heart on my sleave, put everything out there and I get squashed like a bug
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