is there any hope?

[marriageontherocks]

I'll make this as brief as possible, just looking for some input. I have been married to my h for about a year and we have been together for 6 years. We have always fought, but worked through our conflicts, although at times things were particularly nasty. We talked about all of this before we got married and agreed that we were very much in love and had been together for 5 years...also that we had been committed for a while and nothing was going to change that. A few months after we got married we started fighting and having communication issues on a daily basis. I wanted to see a counselor but he did not. I was angry about this and the general situation and was mean and hurtful to him verbally. Eventually, he began to tell me that he now thought we should seek help, and at that point I said no. I was hurt from before and bitter. Obviously, this was a mistake. About 5 months ago he told me that things had gotten to the point where he had lost trust and shut off emotionally, and he was reconsidering the relationship. At this point I became painfully aware of how my behavior was affecting us and apologized and agreed to go to counseling. Unfortunately, our therapist was incredibly unhelpful and we decided not to see him anymore. I wanted to go to somebody else, but my h didn't. For the last 5 months we have been getting along great, and my h says we are best friends, but he can't see anything beyond that. He says that he is attracted to me very much, but won't go there because he isn't emotionally connected to me in that way anymore. I am still in love with him and feel that if we are best friends and there is attraction between us, as well as the fact that we were madly in love for multiple years that we should continue to try to work on our relationship. My h feels that there is too much blocking off his heart and he wants to split up. However, he keeps saying things like "life is long, you never know what will happen," and "I care about you more than you know." He wants to stay friends, but I can't do that without hope for the future. At this point, he is planning to go stay with a friend, and is thinking about keeping in touch with potential hope while still personally moving on and maybe even dating. I am ok with this if it is my only option. I just don't know what to do, and I really want things to work out between us. I have changed my negative attitude since the real problems started, but my h is afraid that is isn't real and I'm only doing it because of the threat of losing him. Sadly, I have been surprised at how easy it has been to change my behavior. I feel much better and more confident as a person, and wish I would have acted sooner. I have agreed to go to therapy individually to prove myself. Many of these problems were a product of my anxiety, and we both know that. I would like very much to build a new foundation, but my h doesn't have faith in this. Is there any hope for us?

[M30USA]

I'll make this as brief as possible, just looking for some input. I have been married to my h for about a year and we have been together for 6 years. We have always fought, but worked through our conflicts, although at times things were particularly nasty. We talked about all of this before we got married and agreed that we were very much in love and had been together for 5 years...also that we had been committed for a while and nothing was going to change that. A few months after we got married we started fighting and having communication issues on a daily basis. I wanted to see a counselor but he did not. I was angry about this and the general situation and was mean and hurtful to him verbally. Eventually, he began to tell me that he now thought we should seek help, and at that point I said no. I was hurt from before and bitter. Obviously, this was a mistake. About 5 months ago he told me that things had gotten to the point where he had lost trust and shut off emotionally, and he was reconsidering the relationship. At this point I became painfully aware of how my behavior was affecting us and apologized and agreed to go to counseling. Unfortunately, our therapist was incredibly unhelpful and we decided not to see him anymore. I wanted to go to somebody else, but my h didn't. For the last 5 months we have been getting along great, and my h says we are best friends, but he can't see anything beyond that. He says that he is attracted to me very much, but won't go there because he isn't emotionally connected to me in that way anymore. I am still in love with him and feel that if we are best friends and there is attraction between us, as well as the fact that we were madly in love for multiple years that we should continue to try to work on our relationship. My h feels that there is too much blocking off his heart and he wants to split up. However, he keeps saying things like "life is long, you never know what will happen," and "I care about you more than you know." He wants to stay friends, but I can't do that without hope for the future. At this point, he is planning to go stay with a friend, and is thinking about keeping in touch with potential hope while still personally moving on and maybe even dating. I am ok with this if it is my only option. I just don't know what to do, and I really want things to work out between us. I have changed my negative attitude since the real problems started, but my h is afraid that is isn't real and I'm only doing it because of the threat of losing him. Sadly, I have been surprised at how easy it has been to change my behavior. I feel much better and more confident as a person, and wish I would have acted sooner. I have agreed to go to therapy individually to prove myself. Many of these problems were a product of my anxiety, and we both know that. I would like very much to build a new foundation, but my h doesn't have faith in this. Is there any hope for us?

 

Your situation sounds a lot like mine. We also have been married 5 years. Our marriage has been "on the rocks" from the beginning. She is a very emotional (and in my opinion, unstable) person. I am a very simply person who likes peace and quiet in a relationship. You can see why there is a problem right there. She would rage at me and I wouldn't give her the counter-rage that she wanted. Eventually she assaulted me and that's where it ended. She was arrested. I refused to let her back without an apology. She didn't apologize, but instead filed for divorce. She still refuses to apologize.

 

I admitted to her that I still love her, but I wasn't sure if I "missed" her. I think that pissed her off.

 

It's been 4 months of separation. We had court-ordered mediation and at the very end, right before she finalized her end of the settlement, she had a "meltdown" according to the mediator and walked out. She now has 24 hours left to decide. So this could be it right here.

[marriageontherocks]

Speaking from experience, it doesn't matter how badly you want her to change or how badly she wants to change for you...she has to want to do it for herself. It may take the actual divorce or a very serious shift in her life events in order for her to see this. Try to accept it if she does try to make these changes soon - my h hasn't been able to get past the anger of me not doing it sooner before he closed off his feelings. This is keeping him from being able to open up to me beyond friends - thus the separation for some clarity. It is hard to explain to people who don't have trouble with emotions like this, but it is a very personal struggle, probably stemming from the way her family has taught her to behave in conflict.