Joanie032 Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 My boyfriend and I had a huge argument early today. He actually left and went to a hotel for the night. Before he left he says he is tired of arguing and me nagging and he wants to move out. Now he can be a tad dramatic when it comes to some things so I'm not 100% positive he wants to actually break up. I'm not perfect, I have made mistakes and I do try to apologize when I'm wrong. But today I feel he really went to the extreme. He works very long hours (engineer) to the point he is grouchy and he isn't really getting to do the things he enjoys anymore like going to the gym or spending time with friends. Because when he isn't working he is spending some time with me. So today he was saying that he missed having his "personal time". I than suggested (nicely) that maybe he could cut his hours back a little at work to go the gym and hang out with friends, and I would understand. This isn't the first time I brought it up. He than flipped out on me telling him not to boss him around , and turned the car around from where we were headed and took me home and took off. I gave him some space and called him around 9 and he said he was staying at a hotel for the night because he needs space and is angry and doesn't want to come home and argue. I said fine. And I asked him if he thought it was excessive. He said no and that he is tired me nagging and that he feels he tries and its never enough. I told him I didn't know why he felt that way and he brought up how a few weeks ago I asked him to be a little more helpful at home with chores. All he does is take out trash and put dishes in dishwasher. I do everything else. He acted almost like I should be grateful. And he said he doesn't know if he wants to continue this because he is stressed. He is returning tomorrow and I don't know how to proceed. BTW I'm 100% positive it isn't another woman issue. thanks for the advice in advance.
Author Joanie032 Posted May 28, 2012 Author Posted May 28, 2012 anyone alive out there? I'm just looking for advice how to repair this. I think I have some things to work on myself, but I feel alone in that he doesn't think he does anything wrong.
Author Joanie032 Posted May 28, 2012 Author Posted May 28, 2012 Hi. It is pretty hard to know the dynamics of your relatonship and the dynamics of your personality and his personality. You two live together, and he works a lot of hours. I know some work environments can be very stressful and he is working a lot and maybe he feels stifled by you. Do you work or is the sole provider? I work a very very stressful job and my off duty hours are my sanctuary and peace so if I had a girlfriend who constantly nagged me I wouldn't be happy. I do think however he could of handled this more maturely. There is something more going on I think. I was laid off from my job 3 weeks ago and I have been interviewing and looking for work since and have not been hired. I'm also waiting on unemployment and that is a 4 week waiting period. I don't think that its fair to say I'm nagging for asking for some help around the apartment. The place is pretty huge and I'm not even asking for him to do half the chores, just a little. I think he is angry about my employment status, even though he knows it wasn't through any fault of my own. He does well financially and just bought us both tickets to a wedding coming up in Spain in October. I'm just very confused.
Balzac Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 How long is the relationship? Why is he not meeting his needs for friend time, gym, solitude? That's on him. Arguing and nagging are a huge buzz kill. I wouldn't tolerate that on my best day.
Author Joanie032 Posted May 28, 2012 Author Posted May 28, 2012 How long is the relationship? Why is he not meeting his needs for friend time, gym, solitude? That's on him. Arguing and nagging are a huge buzz kill. I wouldn't tolerate that on my best day. well somethings he turns into an argument. I don't like arguing.
Author Joanie032 Posted May 28, 2012 Author Posted May 28, 2012 I am sorry you were laid off, but the cold hard reality is that he is the one making the money and providing for you. I am not saying it is right or wrong that he isn't doing his share around the apartment. Has he communicated to you that he has an issue with your lack of employment? Maybe he feels pressured because he is the one paying the bills. Sure I understand he feels pressured, but I'm doing everything I can. I have been on 6 interviews and applied to over 150 jobs. Its out of my control until something comes through. for him to get so mad to end an almost 2 year relationship...I need to know how to salvage.
Author Joanie032 Posted May 28, 2012 Author Posted May 28, 2012 Well it seems that your method of communication is setting him off. It is hard to tell if its you or him, I mean if I had to work 80 hours a week and come home to someone who had the voice of nails on a chalkboard then I would definately have some issues. But, the issue may lie with him since he seems to be running away and getting a hotel instead of sitting down maturely and talking about what the actual problem is. He is stubborn as a mule. Instead of facing an issue he goes in the opposite direction, just to avoid it. I'm the opposite even though I try to conform. I get that after a long day he wants to relax and I prob can work on respecting that more often. I hope its not too late.
Author Joanie032 Posted May 28, 2012 Author Posted May 28, 2012 I know it is hard but back off for a day or two and let him come to you. Greet him with silence. You will see how fast he will talk to you. silence, really? he went as far to say he was going to sleep in the spare bedroom. I hate leaving it this way since he is leaving for a business trip India for 2 weeks and he leaves this Friday.
wordrock Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 As a man, I think you should give him exactly what he asked for. Do your own thing for awhile. Better yet, go stay with a friend for a few days until he gets his head sorted out. Don't instigate any arguments, don't belittle or talk down to him or complain. Just be cordial and give him the space he requested. Don't call him on the phone during this time, but if he calls you answer and be normal. Just chill. That's if you actually want this to have a chance of working out.
Author Joanie032 Posted May 28, 2012 Author Posted May 28, 2012 As a man, I think you should give him exactly what he asked for. Do your own thing for awhile. Better yet, go stay with a friend for a few days until he gets his head sorted out. Don't instigate any arguments, don't belittle or talk down to him or complain. Just be cordial and give him the space he requested. Don't call him on the phone during this time, but if he calls you answer and be normal. Just chill. That's if you actually want this to have a chance of working out. Staying with someone isn't an option but I can back off. I guess I don't really have a choice.
Balzac Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 Exhausted, not wanting to talk or argue~~rented a peaceful room for a night. It sounds reasonable to me. It takes two for a fight. He's exhausted and needs to avoid additional drama.
Author Joanie032 Posted May 28, 2012 Author Posted May 28, 2012 Exhausted, not wanting to talk or argue~~rented a peaceful room for a night. It sounds reasonable to me. It takes two for a fight. He's exhausted and needs to avoid additional drama. I think it could have been handled very differently.
Author Joanie032 Posted May 28, 2012 Author Posted May 28, 2012 The more you try and control the situation and talk to him, the farther and farther you are pushing him away. I know you dont want to do this but he needs his space. Give it to him. I know its not easy to change like this over night but if you love this man then listen to me and the other posters. yeah you are right. I was thinking that me being away or quiet would look like I didn't care.
Author Joanie032 Posted May 28, 2012 Author Posted May 28, 2012 There is a big difference then pretending not to care which if he was smart he would pick up on and actually realizing hey there is something going on in his head that is causing him to react like this and giving him his space is the right thing to do. That might be the make or break in this situation. I will try it.
Author Joanie032 Posted May 28, 2012 Author Posted May 28, 2012 Good luck. Keep me updated. If you need to vent. Thanks for your help. I will prob beback tomorrow with an update lol
Author Joanie032 Posted May 28, 2012 Author Posted May 28, 2012 well he still isn't home and I'm trying not to worry.
bean1 Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 I'm sorry but if you are unemployed then I don't agree with asking him to do any housework. 1
dasein Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 He is stubborn as a mule. IME the best way with people like this is to withdraw entirely without being obvious about it. Sometimes they won't appreciate what they have until the "pressure" from the other side is removed for awhile, and they are in real danger of losing what they took for granted (you and your 2 yr relationship). Have you considered a trip to stay with family or friends for a couple of weeks and leave the return time "open?" I have a hunch he is projecting stressors he feels he can't control at work onto your relationship where he feels more control. Subtly remove his control from the relationship, and he may realize how misplaced his anger is. If this all works out in time, you should consider letting him know very clearly that this kind of free floating anger and frustration is not to be laid at your door unless you have earned it. Good luck. 1
darkmoon Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 he does nothing much around the house and so probably neva will even if he was laid off - or is he paying you to be skivvy?
xpaperxcutx Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 I agree with dasein he is taking outhis stresses on you. I actually don't think uve been unreasonable or controlling the fact is he's unwilling to take more control in how he handles hiS work and free time.
Brit Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 anyone alive out there? I'm just looking for advice how to repair this. I think I have some things to work on myself, but I feel alone in that he doesn't think he does anything wrong. You can get a sense, a tone, that you can be quite a handful, kind of snapped here, because someone did not jump to answer your question.
Author Joanie032 Posted May 28, 2012 Author Posted May 28, 2012 You can get a sense, a tone, that you can be quite a handful, kind of snapped here, because someone did not jump to answer your question. snapped lol. anyway thanks for your input
Author Joanie032 Posted May 28, 2012 Author Posted May 28, 2012 I agree with dasein he is taking outhis stresses on you. I actually don't think uve been unreasonable or controlling the fact is he's unwilling to take more control in how he handles hiS work and free time. I plan to do alot of stepping back and doing my own things for a little while. He is going of the country on business on Saturday. I plan to get real busy and not be so readily available. If its space he wants and needs, that is what he will get.
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