Laser230 Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 Im a 31 yr old working professional... Out of no where I met this girl at a bar "struck by lightning as they say". I will start by saying that I fell for this girl after 2 months. When we started dating it was really amazing and passionate. We talked a lot about the future. She was really into me and after the 1st month she initiated the exclusive talk but I held back so as to not rush things. Just to note on the second date and on she said she had a fear of commitment and had a hard time going further with a guy after 2 months. She also said she liked me a lot more than anyone else she had in a long time... Well after 2 1/2 months she subtly started to back off.. A few weeks ago we were supposed to spend cinco de mayo together and out of no where she blew me off... I kept my cool and didn't make a big deal out of it.. We spent the next week hanging out and had a gret weekend following". However that same weekend she said she was afraid to commit and said she wasn't ready to be exclusive... So as not put myself in a bad position a few days later I went to her house and told her I couldnt do this right now.When I was there telling her this she was all lovey Dovey touching me . She was sad and mad at herself for causing this. She said she wishes she could just let go. I haven't heard from her in 2 weeks. I truly do feel like I love her. I want to contact her but being that I left her I would feel stupid for doing so..At this point I don't know what to do?
kaylan Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 Ive known people with fears of commitment, and even they commit to a person they feel isnt worth losing. I myself have a fear of commitment, and even when I was scared to death of getting hurt or making myself vulnerable, I dated my ex a couple years back. So take this situation as a learning experience. When someone says they arent ready to be exclusive, it simply means you arent whom they want to be exclusive to. Dont waste your time loving some chick who doesnt want you. Your 31, so why waste the rest of your prime time on a woman like that. Move on and dont contact her. Youll find a chick wholl reciprocate your feeling.
Balzac Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 Agreed that moving on is the appropriate action. Be glad she was upfront and that your investment was 2 months. She'll do the same thing if you go back. Then you'll feel worse.
Ninjainpajamas Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 She dropped the bomb on you early on to let you know the way things were going to go, not that it was a chance or something that she was really going to work on...still, think about it, If she really wanted to overcome that wouldn't she have put it another way? I know, all in kind of retrospect, the fact of the matter is I don't think she's interested in settling down with anyone, she could have a number of personal issues. People are usually confused by how people act in the beginning of dating or meeting and presume to believe that this is a real and complete representation of someone and who they truly are when in fact it's just a bunch of hormones, that initial excitement and thrill that people get swept away on...men can be great and real charmers, and women can be the "perfect" combination of qualities you've always been looking for. Bottom line is, even when things are said and exchanged, about the future, kids and what not...that's all in the moment, and the reality of when you have to stick your head out of that hole and see what you're actually looking at, it tends to put peoples minds back into their proper place. In this instance, this seems like the kind of girl that's done this before unfortunately...so she already knew the drill, but ultimately there doesn't seem to be a real opportunity for longevity here, even though you feel you really love this girl and even though you feel like she's fighting for...well this is too early in the process to start fighting for someone, you don't even have a history or know who each other are out of the love party so to speak, so you ultimately should just take it for what it is...she'll likely just continue to reject you and deny you of a real relationship, even If she decided to fold and try it out..the outcome would be that emotionally she doesn't want to invest and doesn't seem to see that potential with you to do so. I know you're shaken and in that zone, but resist at least until she contacts you...but be realistic, she's been fine without you for two whole weeks...so not even a second thought. Don't let the whole mad at herself act convince you, ultimately she's been with you for months by now, If she was really interested in taking that plunge, she would have decided that not let you go...sorry man. 1
SJC2008 Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 It sucks when you like someone and have such a gut level attraction toward them which is probably what you are mistaking for love IMO. Anyway, at our age, don't waste your time if you want something serious that could lead to marriage/kids. The feelings will wane after a couple of months.
bamp78 Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 Ive known people with fears of commitment, and even they commit to a person they feel isnt worth losing. I myself have a fear of commitment, and even when I was scared to death of getting hurt or making myself vulnerable, I dated my ex a couple years back. So take this situation as a learning experience. When someone says they arent ready to be exclusive, it simply means you arent whom they want to be exclusive to. Dont waste your time loving some chick who doesnt want you. Your 31, so why waste the rest of your prime time on a woman like that. Move on and dont contact her. Youll find a chick wholl reciprocate your feeling. Wrong. Go back and read your post and compare to the OP's thread where a few lines into it he mentioned that she brought up being exclusive a month into it. She for all her commitment phobias was ready a month into it OP hesitated so of course she pulled back with all kinds of excuses as to why she couldn't...duh the girl doesn't want to feel exposed or hurt. That said she is gone so the advice is sound to move on but the lesson learned here is to always listen to what a woman is telling you either verbally or 99% of the time subtly.
Author Laser230 Posted May 28, 2012 Author Posted May 28, 2012 Wrong. Go back and read your post and compare to the OP's thread where a few lines into it he mentioned that she brought up being exclusive a month into it. She for all her commitment phobias was ready a month into it OP hesitated so of course she pulled back with all kinds of excuses as to why she couldn't...duh the girl doesn't want to feel exposed or hurt. That said she is gone so the advice is sound to move on but the lesson learned here is to always listen to what a woman is telling you either verbally or 99% of the time subtly. Understood..great advice...after I said I didnt want to rush things a month into it she stopped having sex with me.. I know for certain it was because I was holding back and she wanted to maintain her self respect.. I know she really likes me.. I so want to contact her.. I want to still date her but without being so emotionally invested. What would be the best way to contact her
bamp78 Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 Understood..great advice...after I said I didnt want to rush things a month into it she stopped having sex with me.. I know for certain it was because I was holding back and she wanted to maintain her self respect.. I know she really likes me.. I so want to contact her.. I want to still date her but without being so emotionally invested. What would be the best way to contact her Huh? How old is this girl? Few points...girl stops having sex with you cause she is either immature or sleeping with someone else. Either way why bother? You blew the "date her without being emotionally invested" part kind of obvious from my "good advice". If you were so smitten two months in why did you fumble it so bad a month in? Girls get jaded dude and when you get to your age those hormones are in overdrive so everything gets escalated quickly! How to contact her? Pick up the phone and call her...it works wonders. Good luck...
Author Laser230 Posted May 28, 2012 Author Posted May 28, 2012 Huh? How old is this girl? Few points...girl stops having sex with you cause she is either immature or sleeping with someone else. Either way why bother? You blew the "date her without being emotionally invested" part kind of obvious from my "good advice". If you were so smitten two months in why did you fumble it so bad a month in? Girls get jaded dude and when you get to your age those hormones are in overdrive so everything gets escalated quickly! How to contact her? Pick up the phone and call her...it works wonders. Good luck... She is 28..she stopped having sex with me because she is religious and wanted to start holding off until we were committed.
Professor X Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 If I had to guess, I'd say you screwed this up by "not rushing things". Not sure why you refused her exclusivity talk considering you were head over heels after her. Can't blame her for backing up though. She wanted all of you, you said no, what other options did you leave her with? She figured you wanted to screw around (and she was right to think that) and walled off. You reap what you sow.
bamp78 Posted May 29, 2012 Posted May 29, 2012 She is 28..she stopped having sex with me because she is religious and wanted to start holding off until we were committed. I don't know why you're bothering but ok. Your communication was obviously all out of wack she wants a commitment she is phobic of commitment she uses sex to entice you than withholds with a lack of commitment that she for all intents and purposes told you she didn't want. You on the other hand want to date her with minimal emotional investment sleep with her and not commit right now. You both want you cake and to eat it to. Doesn't work like that. As someone else mentioned she was quite fine not talking to you for the past 2 weeks. Why? Girl has options and you don't which is why you're kicking yourself in the ass now. She probably isn't that great so use this time to date other people and if you still feel the same give the girl a call just be prepared to be shot down.
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