Just might be one for the record books

[milom]

This might just be one for the record books.

 

At 62 years of age, I now find myself feeling detached from life. I spent the last 40 years with the same woman, convinced that we would always be together.

I woke up 3 years ago to an empty home, I discovered that some time during the night, my lovely wife actually crawled out the bedroom window, took her suitcase and a large sum of cash then hopped a flight to CO. What a feeling that was, one that I don’t believe I will ever recover from.

How did I not see this coming? Well, I did, I really believed that the discussion we had the day before struck a note with her, I felt it was more than likely over and promised her that if CO is where the Lord was telling her she needed to be, then I would do everything in my power to get her there. We didn’t discuss a divorce, not even a separation, just that she felt her heart was there. I just hoped that after 40 years together and a daughter that was struggling with her own issues, that we needed to remain loving parents and do all we could for our kid.

Unfortunately that didn’t happen. You might wonder how did this guy not hear her leave? Well the answer to that is that after 4 spine surgeries, I was unable to sleep in a bed, spent the nights for the last several years in a lazy-boy recliner at the other end of the house. You might also wonder whether she felt threatened in anyway. Let me assure you that in 40 years, I have never once done harm to her, I couldn’t, she was part of me. The fact is, she has done this before. She shared with me years ago, that as a teen she would crawl out her window after her and her mom would get into a fight, this was her way of coping. As an adult, and for the past 10 years, and after a 27 year career with a newspaper, she would quit a job by leaving by the back door, clear her desk after everyone would leave, and just walk out the back door. So I did know that this was not out of character for her. She claimed form the day that I met her, that she had a deep fear of confrontation, that she could never win an argument and that she hated fighting for that reason. So we didn’t fight, well we did a few times over the years, but never a knock down drag out.

So where are we today? When I discovered she left, I also discovered that after returning from month long stay in CO with her sick mom a week earlier, that she closed out several CD’s we had, to the tune of $60k, and had also taken the titles to the cars and truck we had. She would not answer my calls, so I hired an attorney to file a restraining order, something that I was told I had to do in order to keep her from clearing out the retirement accounts we had, and to make her responsible for the 5 credit cards she had. In the mean time, I had a mortgage to take care of and now a daughter that was not handling this well, and drinking more than ever, to kill the pain of this and her troubled relationship. Most of all, our daughter was my major concern, and getting her help the my first priority, for her mom and her did have a knock down drag out fight the day before she left, claiming to me that “God has given up and turned his back on our daughter”, and that “you would be smart to do the same and move to CO with me”. I could have very well have made the move, walked away from our home and my shop ( I am a sculptor and worked out of my shop at home), but I have a pump that was implanted 18 years ago that pumps medication for a spinal problem, and because of some pretty traumatic screw ups over the yeas, I would only allow my doctors in WA handle the refills on it. So moving was not an option for me, and if we had to live in two states, that is what we would do, or I thought so anyway.

In the end, my wife was so upset over being served a restraining order that she asked for a divorce, and got it a year ago, I lost our home and shop to the bank and have only spoken to my ex once in 3 years and that was in regards to getting our daughter help with her substance abuse. And her reply was once more “God has given up on her”, “get over it”. I haven’t created any art in 3 years now, with most of the shop now in boxes, I no longer have it in my heart and am not sure if I will ever return to the one thing that gave me so much joy.

I was left with everything that we spent 40 years acquiring, along with her two pets and a daughter that was recently diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, and a failed marriage after 7 months. That along with my 90 year old parents that never got to say goodbye to their ex-daughter. I discovered via the internet that my mother in law passed away, was not even made aware of this by my ex, neither was our daughter, I was also informed recently that my ex had remarried and is now living in a motorhome somewhere in CO. I now know that it was not God asking her to return to CO, his name was Darrel.

And me? I find myself list our 40 years together on Craigslist, piece by piece. Seems like everything I sell has a special meaning to it, I remember every gift I gave and received. I tried to see that she got her family items, old photos, bibles and mementos, only to find out later that everything I shipped was thrown in the garbage by her brother, whom she shared a home with for a short time. Also found out that she left, fearing that her would harm her, that was after she shared about $20k of our funds with him since he was down and out. Good grief.

 

I have never confronted her regarding the way she did this, the fact is that I still love her, hell it was 40 years and at this time, I don’t know if it is possible to come out this one. I did seek help with a counselor, asked her how do I deal with this, and her thoughts were, there was nothing you could have done to make this happen nor was there nothing you could have done to prevent it from happening, this is not only who but what she is, a runner, a repeat offender.

 

I have always been optimistic about life, and a believer that all things happen for a reason, even this has it’s upside, I feel physically better than I have in years, maybe because I am not out trying to create the next great piece of art, but for the most part, I am no longer trying to do the work of two. Plus I no longer have a fear of being alone in life, in fact I kind of enjoy it right now. I just wanted so much for our daughter to feel she still had a mom and dad, unfortunately it didn’t work out that way, and now at a time when she needs us both, she knows that I love her, and will always be here for her.

Milo

[hinatticus]

Just crazy. I really feel for you. Is there anyway you'd get back into sculpting? Please don't throw away your art supplies. It's your passion, it can never be taken away from you.

 

Good luck

[Mcnulty]

You've went through a lot, gotten through it, been a good father and have sought help.

 

I can identify with the not having the desire to go back to your art. My ex left me without telling me...haven't spoken to her since. She left me for my friend who is an artist. I am too, sold quite a few, but as soon as she left me, I lost the urge to create anything and am still not able now...it saddens me, but i can't do it.

 

Also mine was a coward too, wouldn't argue, hated confrontation...it creates a surreal relationship where you never truly know where you stand..hence her running from me and knifing me as she did.

 

You're not alone in your sadness. I'm afraid you're never more than number 2 in another person's eyes....just a fact of life.

 

I wish you and your daughter luck and strength for the future.

[g450]

Wow! And here I was thinking that me starting over at 48 was hard.

 

A lot you posted reminded me of my XW as well. Same goes with what Mcnulty posted. She just woke up one morning late in life and called it quits with no explanation. I honestly think she simply went nuts. No other way explain it. She didnt even want to try. She took the cowards way out.

 

First year after divorce was hard. Like you I lost interest in all the things I liked to do except one, drinking. Not a good combo when heartbroken.

 

I wish you the best. Cant even imagine being in your shoes. And if you dont get back to your art then find something new to do. You will be OK.

[Sugarkane]

I really loathe when people dump other people this way. I'm sorry people are pretty cowardly. The lame excuses they use cease to surprise me. At least this other guy can live with a coward instead.

[EmergenC]

I really feel for you, what a sad story to read.

 

I can't even begin to pretend to try to relate on a relationship of that much time and investment in one another.

 

I can only say I found freedom in my music after my breakup of 4 years and throwing myself into it hook, line and sinker until my fingers were bleeding from guitar and throat hoarse from singing. It helped me find my own new way in life again these 5 or 6 months on from the breakup-up. It helped me to refocus and re-establish my own individual identity. If you find your way back to your creative spark, i'm sure in time it will help you too.

 

Again, no-where near your magnitude but I can empathize with just been left stranded. I was dumped by a text message and taken completely aback by the whole thing, totally blind-sided. It's not nice, and the search for your own answers and closure can be maddening at first until you can slowly let go and find it within. In honesty, don't think you actually 'find' closure within like they say, it's more you gradually accept that you don't need any answers or what not in order to be your own person again. It's that letting go which is the first step.

 

Honestly good luck to you, and I hope your hands can find their muse again soon, whatever form that takes.