IsaD Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 I just got in a huge heated argue with my husband about numerous issues. It upset me so much that I just don’t know what to think or do any more. As much as I don’t want to do this, but I’m really thinking about separation or even divorce right now. I have been with my husband for 16 years. When we first got together, things were going really good for first four years. After that, it all just starts to fall apart slowly. It started with my husband becoming lazier. We used to try getting out and doing things regularly instead of just sitting around at home all day. This become a big issue after a while because he was starting to really neglecting on important things such as taking care of the yard, making repairs around the house, and other things. Finally he got fired from work because he was skipping so many days. That’s when I finally do something about his laziness. I took our children and leave. About two weeks later, he finally got his job back and got everything together and we got back together. He has gotten much better about being responsible and working and stuff now. In fact he has climbed the corporate ladder quite a bit since then. But there was other issue! He has gained on so much weight. It is starting to affect everything! I tried everything from trying to hint that we should start walk or jog together, make more healthier foods, hint to him about how sexy he looked back in the day when he was on semi pro football team, talk to him about it nicely to just downright yell at him about it. He would always laugh about it and blame it on age and stuff like that! About a year ago when we went on a vacation, toward end of the vacation, I just found him to be so repulsive that I don’t even really enjoy or want to have sex with him anymore. He got all upset about it! Yet he has not done a thing about it! He also have been worrying about going grey and hair loss for a while which I find a major turn off. Now he is taking it to other notch, he’s worrying about his wrinkles and using creams to try reduce it and would check for it in mirror frequently. This really turns me off! My husband has never really liked my brother in law. When they first met, he would sometime make rude comment in my brother in law’s face or put him down in front of people. Once our first child was born, he pretty much stopped this tactic. However now it is starting again and it is much worse than what it used to be! I hate this! It always makes things so awkward when I need my sister and brother in law to do a favor for us. Today when I told him we’re going to the BBQ at my sister’s place tomorrow, my husband made an incredibly rude and totally unnecessary comment in front of the kids. I was totally speechless by this! That’s when we finally got in a huge argue about everything which eventually lead to shouting match. After all of this, I am just starting to think that this whole marriage is totally hopeless. I don’t know what else to do any more.
Balzac Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 Accept that you cannot make him change. I'm unclear what the purpose if the fight was. Surely you and your kids can attend the BBQ w/o him. Rude behavior is unacceptable.
M30USA Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 May I ask what he does while he's at home being "lazy"? I only ask because I, myself am a home body. I work full time which requires much travel, I am a healthy person with normal weight, I am fully engaged in caring for the children...but I just like time to be quiet and at ease. I would rather spend time on intellectual things like researching various topics than be going out frequently. I fully understand that some women can't stand a "husband on the couch". I respect your wants. But some men just like to be peaceful and in their own home. Does he do anything with you or go out at all? Or is it just not as much as you want? Think of it fron his viewpoint: man, my wife is always wanting to drag me out of the house...I just wanna relax. Think also about this: the fact that he WANTS to stay in the house probably means you've contributed to a good home. Men should have a place where they run to and take refuge--the home. So if you've helped create this, kudos for you and don't necessarily try to kill that.
Author IsaD Posted May 27, 2012 Author Posted May 27, 2012 We got in a fight because I was just so fed up with everything and the rude comment he made was just the last straw. That’s when we both snapped. As for what my husband likes to do… He usually just sat and watches sports or tv all day. We get out maybe like once every three or four months if I really push for it. I’m not trying to drag him all over the place. I just don’t want to be sitting around in house whole my life. Usually if we get out, we are out for only few hours. I do appreciate he like being home and feel comfortable being home. But… overall I am just unhappy with him anymore. He always have excuses, complain, and do things that push me away.
M30USA Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 We got in a fight because I was just so fed up with everything and the rude comment he made was just the last straw. That’s when we both snapped. As for what my husband likes to do… He usually just sat and watches sports or tv all day. We get out maybe like once every three or four months if I really push for it. I’m not trying to drag him all over the place. I just don’t want to be sitting around in house whole my life. Usually if we get out, we are out for only few hours. I do appreciate he like being home and feel comfortable being home. But… overall I am just unhappy with him anymore. He always have excuses, complain, and do things that push me away. IsaD, Have there been any HUGE mistakes like adultery, violence, addictions, etc?
pteromom Posted May 29, 2012 Posted May 29, 2012 Instead of starting with separation/divorce, can you start by making the decision that you refuse to just be at home all the time? Do you have family or friends who you could go do things with? As far as his weight, if you do the shopping and cooking, perhaps you can cook healthier foods, find low-calorie replacements for his favorite foods, etc. That's really all the control you have though. I would be honest with him and tell him that his weight gain is making it so you are having a hard time getting turned on by him, and then it is really up to him what he does about that. BUT - you can't let his choices influence how YOU live your life. If you want to go out and do things, go out and do things! I think your first step isn't separation/divorce - it's letting go of control of HIM and HIS choices, and taking responsibility for YOU and YOUR choices.
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