30walks Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 Hi Thanks for taking the time to open this thread. I'm 34, male. Been in two long term relationships. Between those relationships I had a couple of flings but I've been single for over a year now. When it comes to women and relationships I'm not really up on the "game", I just prefer to be as honest and straightforward as a I can. I think I'm a bit naive really. Here's my problem: Six months ago I took a new (temporary) job. I met a girl who worked there too (28). She was pretty, kind, funny, warm and maybe a bit lonely. We both worked long hours late into the evening and started talking. It got to where we'd look forward to meeting up (in the office) and just talking for a few hours every evening. There was a pretty obvious (and I think mutual) attraction thing going on - I'm not that naive! I loved talking to her and she with me. I told her I was single. She said she lived with a man (also the father of her child) but that she didn't love him anymore. She told me some stories about how horrible he'd been to her. I had made a promise to myself many years ago that I would never become involved with someone who had a partner and just thought "Well, nothing's happened. At least she's become a friend now and it's nice to talk to her so...forget about it." For this reason I kind of avoided/ resisted her attempts to swap numbers so that we could "chat later". Then one day she came into work and said that she and her partner had split up. This seemed really sudden and out of the blue - it wasn't as if we'd been talking about the problems she was recently having at home (we talked about everything). It didn't even seem like she was particularly upset: she just said it was just "one of those things". She'd been with him for 9 years! Anyway, my contract came to an end and I had to move on somewhere else. On the last day she came up to me and openly asked for my number and, later, sent a text asking if I'd like to go out with her sometime. We met the following Monday and the talking was as good as ever. But she seemed quite distracted - I put it down to first date nerves! We met again on the Wednesday and kissed. Again, she seemed kind of distracted. In the evenings she texted me but always seemed in a bit of a hurry to get to bed at quite an early hour. I just though she must be exhausted raising a child and working a job on her own. On Friday last we met again and she said that, because her ex had nowhere else to stay, he'd had to move back with her for a couple of days to sort his things out before he could clear off for good. She said that she was just being honest with me because she could see us going somewhere and would I be able to deal with that? I was kind of confused but, because I've really begun to like her said "OK...thanks for your honesty. Take some time, sort things out and get back to me when you think you're ready to move on." This was last Friday. Since then she's been texting me a lot: "are you OK?" etc... Perhaps foolishly, I agreed to meet this coming Monday without the situation really being resolved. Now if any of you have managed to stick with this probably quite tedious story...well, I suppose I have a couple of questions: 1) Am I being taken for a fool?! 2) Do you think I should have just gotten out of there on Friday and cut all ties? 3) Everything strange about our 'relationship' I can explain in my mind (logically). But it still doesn't FEEL right in my gut. What do I do? Follow the gut? On the other hand, should I take her on her word, grow up, and accept that life is sometimes just plain messy. I should say that having affairs and risking breaking up families involving children is totally out of the question for me! That's just somewhere I won't go. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. I'm sorry if it's been really boring. An extra big thanks to anyone who can offer me some advice! x
Alexanda Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 To answer your questions: 1. Yes 2. Yes 3. YES!!!!!! Her story sounds fishy. To me it sounds like she is still involved with this guy and they do share a kid. She never told you that she is single. She also let him move in with her for a "couple" of days. I dont think it sounds like a good idea to get involved with her. Also she said she doesnt love the guy anymore, but she could still have feelings for him. Nope dont meet with her on Monday.
ladyabstrused Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 I'd say yes to all your questions. They always say, your gut knows best.
snug.bunny Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 Aye! Well, sadly you cannot go back in time. Working together on top of it? Yikes. To answer your questions: 1) Am I being taken for a fool?! Given the circumstances, you're being foolish. 2) Do you think I should have just gotten out of there on Friday and cut all ties? Yes... 3) Everything strange about our 'relationship' I can explain in my mind (logically). But it still doesn't FEEL right in my gut. What do I do? Follow the gut? If I was in your shoes, I would say something along the lines of "I like you, but given the current circumstances it would probably be best for both of us to date after some time has passed". You have to take into consideration that she is going to need time to sort things out with her ex and re-adjust, she just moved out, and their relationship ended only recently. So, if in the future you are both single, you'd be open to dating her. Here are a few general boundaries that I've always tried to adhere to, which you may find helpful: (1) Avoid becoming involved with someone who is in a relationship. (2) Avoid becoming involved with someone who is living with another person (boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife). (3) Avoid becoming involved with someone who is in the process of breaking up.
Author 30walks Posted May 26, 2012 Author Posted May 26, 2012 Thanks for your advice. Yeah...I think those boundaries make sense snug.bunny Weirdly, SB, those were almost the exact same words I said to her when she rang half hour ago. As I was writing the OP out it kind of seemed more and more unfeasible. Writing the post was like an act of catharsis in itself. Thanks so much guys, really appreciate it. xx
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