20 years Marriage w/Self-absorbed Husband

[AVR1962]

We are in counseling, we each did a personality test which showed husband is not the compassionate type but rather the literal, intellect sort, thinks of this needs but not of others. I am the compassionate care-giving type. Our counselor has been trying to help my husband understand my needs which I find quite bizarre but now I know why he doesn't get it, it simply is not in his brain. His brain is truely wired for his own needs. I have to hand it to the counselor and I can see my husband trying but I am not sure this is ever going to change.

 

After 20 years you can only imagine the history. I learned very early on in our relationship to keep my mouth quiet on disappointments or I woudl be the one paying the price for opening my mouth. I would either be blamed or ignored. But I realize now that was how I made it work yet it was not healthy but talking to him never made a difference so I ended up doing what worked and basically sacrificed my own needs and concentrated on the family, household and my careeer.

 

Sound typical to many of you?

 

I guess I don't know how to break the cycle here. I understand in every relationship we have we enter a "dance" with that person, alowing them to be so close, giving them info to our personailties and basically training them how we need to be treated but our "dance" was not healthy and I see that. However, not sure what to do to change it.

 

We no longer sleep in the same bed, he does his thing, I do mine, our worlds are becoming more and more seperated. I hold ALOT of anger for how he has treated me. There was alot of didn't see but alot I caught and like I mentioned I was the one always blamed. Now I realize he has so wronged me all these years, used me like I was some toy to take the heat for all of his wrong-doing, yet his family loves him to death and hates me. It is just sick!

 

I have thought many times of divorce and we still may end up that way. We have a child yet at home and I don't really want to entertain that thought until she is on her own.

 

I feel pretty lost about now. Anyone here able to identify?

[AVR1962]

I get the feeling that husband sees himself as superior and all knowing, all witty, Mr Calm and pats himself on the back for how well he gets along with others. Yet, it is he who would not/could not talk to his ex. And if I did, then it fell on my shoulders. His sons got away with murder in our home and when I would talk to him about addressing issues he said he would and never did. I raised his children and he would tell me just to deal with the issues but as soon as I handled them he'd belittle my call.

 

This is a man who I felt had no real interest in me while we were dating but when I aksed if his feelings were mutual he claimed they were, only to years later tell me that he was not sure of his feelings at the time. He never has invested himself. I persued, everything, I made the relationship and it was always struggle I was fighting with to get him involved yet he was persuing other women and engaging them in conversation, using his wit and humor on them to bloat his ego. When approached though, it was ll in my head.....again, until several years later when he finally admitted to emotional affairs and then said it as though he had the right because he was a man and this is just the way men think. If I did that garabge he would have divorced me. This is the reason he divorced his first wife.

 

When his first grandchild was born I was not notified but husband was and didn't tell me. When I asked, 3 weeks later he fwd me the email from his son. What? They live 45 minutes away, nothing was said and he did nothing. I then contact SS's wife and congratulate her and let her know that I had just found out, she called me a liar. So I have tried and tried and I keep getting kicked in the pants.

 

The latest is getting back from vacation husband unpacks his bags, gets on the computer and then says he has to go to the store. Uh, the grass needs mowed and we have LOTS to do before we go to work tomorrow, everything else can wait. He says this is my time-line and not his, and leaves. We live somewhere that rains alot so you have to mow in between rains so I had almost all the grass mowed before he got home. Talk about PO'd! I shoudl ahve left it for him but knowing hism the way I do, he would not have mowed the grass and then it would have rained again. I feel like I am in this constant booby-trap!

[Radu]

What a selfish *******.

 

I'm really sorry for you, and for your Stepson's wives.

[2sunny]

I gave you this advice even two years ago. I still stand by my suggestions.

 

wow, this is a sad way to live, for you and for him.

 

it wouldn't be enough for me. seems you need to make some decisions for yourself.

 

from my own experience "life is just too short" but that is just me.

 

you either get busy living or you get busy dying... your decision.

 

since he specifically forces YOU into a position where he CAN be resentful of you - he gets what HE wants... to have good reason to be mad at you - then do what he wants behind your back - since he's mad.

 

it called passive aggressive...

 

what would happen IF you stopped playing the role you've always played? hmmmm, he would have NO reason to be mad and go behind your back? hmmmmmm.

 

gosh, this system seems to be working for him - so that HE can continue being mad enough to serve HIS purpose - having relationships with women outside your M - claiming "just friends" when, in fact, it must take his time and energy away from the person who should get that first - YOU!

 

because he's unwilling to give that to you (yes, this is the part where he IS actually cheating you out of a true relationship) he's cheating you - the M - and himself - of what a healthy M COULD be. and then blaming YOU for it all.

 

that's crappy! at best...

 

We all have choices! You can choose to leave the M and begin a NEW life - a happy one!

 

Freedom!

 

I did it - it can be done! It takes action after a decision is made. Please know it does get better IF you invoke the change YOU wish to see.

 

Stop believing what you were taught - those are lies!

 

He's not participating in your M - you deserve a partner that respects and honors you. He's not that guy.

[LadyGrey]

check out co-dependency. It might be that you have some elements of that going on.

[2sunny]

You need to work on yourself.

 

Find out why you would have allowed yourself to stay for all this time.

 

He's selfish... Yes. But why didn't you tell him you needed more? Why not leave now since things most likely won't change?

 

The change will come from YOU. Be the change you wish to see.

 

If the M ends - ok. Then maybe you have a chance of understanding what's real - or finding someone who is a giver who CAN show love and compassion.

 

Either way - when you stay and still feel alone in a M - that completely sucks! I'd never do it that way again. Getting away from that was pure freedom!

 

And I was married 20 years.

[AVR1962]

2Sunny, I know you are right. Being in counseling now for over a year I can see even more than what I did before and I think that is why I am so encredibly enraged, it's just become insane. This man needs a total kick to the curb. I deserve better and I know it. I am a good person and I have tried and tried and tried but he cannot meet me half way. I cannot wait for the day I leave this mess!

[2sunny]

2Sunny, I know you are right. Being in counseling now for over a year I can see even more than what I did before and I think that is why I am so encredibly enraged, it's just become insane. This man needs a total kick to the curb. I deserve better and I know it. I am a good person and I have tried and tried and tried but he cannot meet me half way. I cannot wait for the day I leave this mess!

 

Who are you angry at?

 

For me - in the end - I was angry at ME for staying!

 

The only way to stop being angry at yourself is to CHANGE it. Change it YOURSELF by DOING SOMETHING instead of nothing.

 

Keep doing the same - and you will find YOURSELF with the same complaints 10 and 20 years from now.

 

If you're not happy and it's not likely to change - get out. I give you permission...

[xxoo]

The latest is getting back from vacation husband unpacks his bags, gets on the computer and then says he has to go to the store. Uh, the grass needs mowed and we have LOTS to do before we go to work tomorrow, everything else can wait. He says this is my time-line and not his, and leaves. We live somewhere that rains alot so you have to mow in between rains so I had almost all the grass mowed before he got home. Talk about PO'd! I shoudl ahve left it for him but knowing hism the way I do, he would not have mowed the grass and then it would have rained again. I feel like I am in this constant booby-trap!

 

You've been unhappy for years, and should leave the marriage.

 

That said, the lawn-mowing story above makes you look bad, imo. Yes, that was your time-line. I'd be PO'd if we got back from vacation, had to go to work the next day, and my spouse expected me to do major chores. There are so many better ways to handling the lawn situation without a power struggle, but you choose to engage the power struggle. Bad planning and unfair expectations put you in that spot.

[2sunny]

He goes to the market after getting on his computer...

 

He most likely lined up to go see his other flirty females.

 

Then he uses the excuse of the market to go see them...

 

And wallah! He gets home and YOU have done the work he wanted to AVOID!

 

Wow- you make this SO easy for him to be a dick to you!

 

Stop participating!

[AVR1962]

and I realized that afterwards but at the time I was so pissed and my mind set was that I was going to make him pay but I was the one paying. I need to make another counseling appt and bring all this up. I felt my head is so twisted sometimes. My counselor tells me that my thinking was set as a child, mother was narcisisstic and this set the stage for me to find people like this. I have finally been able to put the breaks on some of these no good relationships. This one is not easy to let go of. And as I type this I know how sick that sounds.

[AVR1962]

You've been unhappy for years, and should leave the marriage.

 

That said, the lawn-mowing story above makes you look bad, imo. Yes, that was your time-line. I'd be PO'd if we got back from vacation, had to go to work the next day, and my spouse expected me to do major chores. There are so many better ways to handling the lawn situation without a power struggle, but you choose to engage the power struggle. Bad planning and unfair expectations put you in that spot.

 

That's one way to see it.....with only two days before husband was on the raod again and so much that needed to be done I did not feel it was fair that it fell all on my shoulders. Wish I had a yard boy but that's not the case. We each have to be equal participants. I have spent far too many days working from the crack of dawn til nearly midnight caring for 5 kids and everything that includes to keep a home running. To expect my husband to participate is not a matter of a "power struggle."

[2sunny]

That's one way to see it.....with only two days before husband was on the raod again and so much that needed to be done I did not feel it was fair that it fell all on my shoulders. Wish I had a yard boy but that's not the case. We each have to be equal participants. I have spent far too many days working from the crack of dawn til nearly midnight caring for 5 kids and everything that includes to keep a home running. To expect my husband to participate is not a matter of a "power struggle."

 

Why would he participate? When he slacks - he knows you pick up his slacking work.

 

He gets rewarded for bad behavior.

 

Now years later if you expect it to change - you will be met with resistance - mainly because he's trained you to handle it while he runs off to flirt - and return to YOU getting HIS portion of the duties handled yourself!

 

But then you resent him...

 

Wash rinse repeat...

 

We train people how to treat us.

 

To untrained him now will be monumenteous!

 

He gets rewarded when he ignores his chores - so stop doing his chores!

 

If his priority is to go flirt and spend time and energy on things OUTSIDE the marital boundary - its best to consider that it's not been a M for a lot of years!

 

And end what was done years ago!

 

That way you can be free from what drags you down (him!).

 

He's not a partner - he's a drag!

 

Stop allowing it! That is the cause - YOU have allowed his bad behavior to rule the house!

[AVR1962]

You are right! I know where it stems from. As a child my mother would treat me the same way as my husband does and I always tried to get into her good graces by doing my best and doing more and she never acknowledged it and never gave anykind of priase so I ended up becoming very angry and hurt. This whole thing has played out once more in my marriage repeatedly and I know I am the one who has to make a change for myself because I cannot change the person. With the help of my counselor I was able to place proper boundaries on my mother and some of the other relationships I had that were equally as damaging.

[xxoo]

That's one way to see it.....with only two days before husband was on the raod again and so much that needed to be done I did not feel it was fair that it fell all on my shoulders. Wish I had a yard boy but that's not the case. We each have to be equal participants. I have spent far too many days working from the crack of dawn til nearly midnight caring for 5 kids and everything that includes to keep a home running. To expect my husband to participate is not a matter of a "power struggle."

 

I'm not saying he is reasonable, but I don't see your actions here as reasonable, either. For example, why don't you have a yard boy? Is the kid unable to mow? Could you (or he) have hired someone to come mow later in the week, even if just that one time? Problem solve! Don't be so quick to just do everything yourself, resenting it. Don't volunteer to be a martyr.

 

The way you approached that reminded me of myself as a young wife, but we've learned more successful ways to get things done as a team--a lot of it coming down to respectful communication and better planning. After 20 years, you two are still engaged in a mommy-child power struggle. It isn't going to get any better.

Edited May 26, 2012 by xxoo