Author gmoore Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 She did have those feelings for you no doubt, but for me the best explanation in this thread is Gibsons post(s). The 'rescuer' rarely gets to end up with the 'damaged' person. The damaged person is either too damaged, or someone else gets to enjoy all the hard work you put in. Life sucks sometimes.. Yeah, I'm not sure that Gibson's post accurately discribes the situation in it's entirety but it is interesting & presents a different perspective. Maybe I just don't want to believe it, oh well, so be it. The "someone else gets to enjoy all the hard work you put in" part makes me sick to my stomach. Life definitely ****ing sucks right now...
Ruby65 Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 I think accepting that an ex's feelings have changed really is the hardest part. The truth is those feelings were changing gradually for a long time before they finally broke up with us..... I was blindsided once in a breakup and 5 years later I STILL can't figure out how and when it happened! Also before the breakup I think the ex's are doing their best to pretend that everything's great.... not necessarily to deceive us but I think more to try and convince themselves that everything's fine and nothing has changed.
Author gmoore Posted June 20, 2012 Author Posted June 20, 2012 I feel so threatened by everyone. By every man. Like they are the reason. Like I wasn't good enough to keep her. I know it's insecurity, I know it's because I'm vulnerable. I have these dreams where she's breaking it off and I have to leave my house. As I have to go people are showing up for a party including rumors that her ex is coming. They are all asking me where I'm going or if I have a place to go? She's sitting on the kitchen floor in this house of ours that I don't recognize. I'm pleading with her to change her mind asking why, saying how could this be right? Don't you love me? Then I wake up. Feeling threatened and alone. I'm so ****ing lost without her right now. I know I just need to pick up the pieces and move on but my heart feels like I'm dragging a bag of cement. I feel terrible this day, I hope it gets better.
Ruby65 Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 It DOES get better, honest. Be gentle with yourself today. You're still in shock. Your brain is still taking in what's happened in small doses, that's why you're having these dreams about it -- that's your mind's way of helping you process it. There are waves of sadness, but then waves of feeling better too. Our brains are smarter than we are. Have faith, you won't feel this way forever -- or even for that much longer! You're doing GREAT.
Author gmoore Posted June 20, 2012 Author Posted June 20, 2012 The best part about today is that I have outpatient surgery. I hate needles & the last time I was in the hospital she was there by my side & picked me up when I was done. The WORST part of this whole break-up is that she's truly the most caring, loyal & loving woman I have ever been in a relationship with. We took care of each other. I truly believed that my life was enriched and everything was more meaningful with her in it. Now, it's gone. She couldn't even do me the curtesy of telling me straight up that she had fallen out of love with me. She talked a lot about people we know breaking up and getting back together as though it was something she considered a real possibility. We were great together and everyone felt that way including us up until the past 4 months or so. I just can't figure out what changed in her? Was it the abusive ex coming back around? Was it the Captain fix-a-ho bull****? Did she simply fall out of love with me? Was I just too available? Did I loose interest in her? Did she just change? Did I change? I think about our cat & the house we were working on that she lives in now(I had the option of living there instead but declined) & I get choked up, this was going to be the most beautiful summer yet & it's turned into the worst in a LONG time if not EVER for me. I just need to get this **** out. It's killing me, I just want to disappear. I need to go away to lick my wounds, I feel like it's going to take me an inordinate amount of time to heal up with the threat of running into her & or hearing about what she's doing or whatever scenario that'll re-break my heart over & over again.
flitzanu Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 The best part about today is that I have outpatient surgery. I hate needles & the last time I was in the hospital she was there by my side & picked me up when I was done. The WORST part of this whole break-up is that she's truly the most caring, loyal & loving woman I have ever been in a relationship with. We took care of each other. I truly believed that my life was enriched and everything was more meaningful with her in it. Now, it's gone. She couldn't even do me the curtesy of telling me straight up that she had fallen out of love with me. She talked a lot about people we know breaking up and getting back together as though it was something she considered a real possibility. We were great together and everyone felt that way including us up until the past 4 months or so. I just can't figure out what changed in her? Was it the abusive ex coming back around? Was it the Captain fix-a-ho bull****? Did she simply fall out of love with me? Was I just too available? Did I loose interest in her? Did she just change? Did I change? I think about our cat & the house we were working on that she lives in now(I had the option of living there instead but declined) & I get choked up, this was going to be the most beautiful summer yet & it's turned into the worst in a LONG time if not EVER for me. I just need to get this **** out. It's killing me, I just want to disappear. I need to go away to lick my wounds, I feel like it's going to take me an inordinate amount of time to heal up with the threat of running into her & or hearing about what she's doing or whatever scenario that'll re-break my heart over & over again. let me be the blunt one as usual. the only thing that "changed in her" is her desire for different dudes "in her". guys say it's biological imperative to spread their seed in multiple women...we're coded to not be monogamous. girls can end up with the same imperative, and simply want to experience new guys and new things. (not agreeing with this anecdote, only that it does exist and often followed)
Slooop Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 Hi Gmoore, I'll echo some stuff people have basically already told you on this board. A few things you might do or tell yourself: 1) Most importantly, it's NOT your damn fault! 2) You are who you are and you are WORTHY. You shouldn't think you have to change yourself b/c this happened. There may come a time when the depression starts to make you believe you deserve all this. You don't. There are a million women out there who are dying to meet a caring, introspective, centered, self aware man that is congnizant of his own faults. Don't let anyone convince you need to become a emotionless jerk or that it's a weakness to process/be aware of your emotions. 3) Process and be AWARE of your emotions. The common stages of grief are denial, anger, depression, acceptance. You may vacilate between one or all of them for some time. Be aware of what you're feeling and it will be easier to process. I like to work out if I'm feeling angry. I do anything (watch TV/read a book, something to distract my brain) when I'm depressed etc etc. Try to control your thoughts, they will lessen the hold of your emotions. If you find yourself thinking, "she's banging another guy because I'm unworthy", throw that worthless thought out of your head, what is it accomplishing besides hurting you? 4) Don't idealize her. Sure she was the best girlfriend you ever had, great. If you idealize her however, if she comes back to you she will never be as perfect as you remember her, and it will be a letdown for you. 5) Tied to #4 is don't forget about her faults. Your first post is littered with them. She's human like you are, she is imperfect. There will come a day when you see her through the lens we all see our own exes through. There were imperfections in her character that kept her from being with you. Eventually you will come to feel sad for her that she couldn't realize the value in what she had with you. This goes along with the blunter statements that other posters are telling you to "picture her banging other guys". I think that while there may be some value in that type of thinking, ulitmately it will only engender anger towards her which will set you back. It will be healthier for you to start realizing why you weren't suited for one another. 6) She's probably not thinking about "banging other guys" but she's also not crying every night to a picture of you hoping you'll be back together one day. In truth, it's probably a middle road, she's confused like you are. There are probably moments she misses you and thinks she's making the biggest mistake of her life and there are more moments where she's convinced this is the right path. The hard truth is that she's resolved to see the separation through. All you can do is attempt to move on and you'll be in a win-win situation. 1) Either you'll have moved on, healed, and be on the way to finding another great girl or 2) You'll have moved on, healed, and she'll come back to you, at which point you'll have to decide what you want. Either way, at some point the end game is you moving on. 7) Focus on the future, don't wallow in the past. This cliche is cliched for a reason, it's truth. Thinking about your past, going through old texts, emails, trying to figure out where it all went wrong is a form of breaking no contact. There is nothing to be accomplished from this and it will only take you backwards. Stay positive and focus on the future, new women, new activities etc etc. ad nauseum ;-). You know the drill for this one. You might be asking yourself, what does this guy know? Well, I just broke up with my ex of 4 years around the exact same time you broke up with yours and for the same reasons. I've been following along with you, feeling the exact same feelings and having the same thoughts. Know that you're not alone in this, and there are alot of us going through the same thing as you brother.
Author gmoore Posted June 21, 2012 Author Posted June 21, 2012 Hi Gmoore, I'll echo some stuff people have basically already told you on this board. A few things you might do or tell yourself: 1) Most importantly, it's NOT your damn fault! 2) You are who you are and you are WORTHY. You shouldn't think you have to change yourself b/c this happened. There may come a time when the depression starts to make you believe you deserve all this. You don't. There are a million women out there who are dying to meet a caring, introspective, centered, self aware man that is congnizant of his own faults. Don't let anyone convince you need to become a emotionless jerk or that it's a weakness to process/be aware of your emotions. 3) Process and be AWARE of your emotions. The common stages of grief are denial, anger, depression, acceptance. You may vacilate between one or all of them for some time. Be aware of what you're feeling and it will be easier to process. I like to work out if I'm feeling angry. I do anything (watch TV/read a book, something to distract my brain) when I'm depressed etc etc. Try to control your thoughts, they will lessen the hold of your emotions. If you find yourself thinking, "she's banging another guy because I'm unworthy", throw that worthless thought out of your head, what is it accomplishing besides hurting you? 4) Don't idealize her. Sure she was the best girlfriend you ever had, great. If you idealize her however, if she comes back to you she will never be as perfect as you remember her, and it will be a letdown for you. 5) Tied to #4 is don't forget about her faults. Your first post is littered with them. She's human like you are, she is imperfect. There will come a day when you see her through the lens we all see our own exes through. There were imperfections in her character that kept her from being with you. Eventually you will come to feel sad for her that she couldn't realize the value in what she had with you. This goes along with the blunter statements that other posters are telling you to "picture her banging other guys". I think that while there may be some value in that type of thinking, ulitmately it will only engender anger towards her which will set you back. It will be healthier for you to start realizing why you weren't suited for one another. 6) She's probably not thinking about "banging other guys" but she's also not crying every night to a picture of you hoping you'll be back together one day. In truth, it's probably a middle road, she's confused like you are. There are probably moments she misses you and thinks she's making the biggest mistake of her life and there are more moments where she's convinced this is the right path. The hard truth is that she's resolved to see the separation through. All you can do is attempt to move on and you'll be in a win-win situation. 1) Either you'll have moved on, healed, and be on the way to finding another great girl or 2) You'll have moved on, healed, and she'll come back to you, at which point you'll have to decide what you want. Either way, at some point the end game is you moving on. 7) Focus on the future, don't wallow in the past. This cliche is cliched for a reason, it's truth. Thinking about your past, going through old texts, emails, trying to figure out where it all went wrong is a form of breaking no contact. There is nothing to be accomplished from this and it will only take you backwards. Stay positive and focus on the future, new women, new activities etc etc. ad nauseum ;-). You know the drill for this one. You might be asking yourself, what does this guy know? Well, I just broke up with my ex of 4 years around the exact same time you broke up with yours and for the same reasons. I've been following along with you, feeling the exact same feelings and having the same thoughts. Know that you're not alone in this, and there are alot of us going through the same thing as you brother. Hey, thanks man. You are right. I'm sorry about your breakup, I hate to hear that ****, it seems like you're keeping your composure though. How long have you been NC? any word from your ex? Just curious. I think I just passed 3 weeks or so? As for changing is concerned, consider it more like constructing the person & identity that I want to be as opposed to just being & letting things happen to me. I'm not changing anything for her, or anyone else for that matter. I'm bettering myself, I've realized some flaws that I'd like to correct for my own happiness, for my own benefit. To become a better, more successful person, friend, lover, artist etc. I am not simply a product of my surroundings, I have a choice & I'm choosing to use this as fuel to become the person I want to be.
Author gmoore Posted June 22, 2012 Author Posted June 22, 2012 When your hearts broken why can't you just throw it away and get a new one? It's such a conundrum when you want time to speed up so you heal quicker but you also want it to slow down so you don't age as fast. The world is a cruel and beautiful pace. I wouldn't trade the time we had together for anything except for more time together. It happened how it happened I guess, we made our choices and she bailed. I won't wait for her. I will make myself whole & take the essential and sometimes painful steps towards becoming a better man. The man that I want to be. For ME... Therapy has been an interesting & new experience. It feels as though the sessions aren't long enough though, I could talk for hours in there, I guess that's a good thing & apparently I do have a lot to get out. It's interesting to see how far I've come despite the adversity I've faced in my life, it makes me feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be & that I haven't stopped growing. In all actuality I refuse to stop growing.
Author gmoore Posted June 22, 2012 Author Posted June 22, 2012 (edited) I hate when the anxiety of her not being there starts to well up inside. My chest starts to tighten, a lump forms in my throat & questions just start racing through my head. I start to feel paralyzed by these thoughts. I wish I could just not think about it, I want to chase her out of my head. I erased her phone number from my phone lat night. It felt terrible. This whole thing feels wrong. I miss our cat, he's pretty much the coolest cat on the face of the planet. Get this through your head. She left me she left me she left me she left me she left me she left me she left me she left me she left me she left me she left me she left me she left me she left me she left me. let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go. What will be will be What will be will be What will be will be What will be will be What will be will be What will be will be What will be will be What will be will be What will be will be What will be will be What will be will be What will be will be... Edited June 22, 2012 by gmoore
Author gmoore Posted June 22, 2012 Author Posted June 22, 2012 NC day 24. A breakneck carrousel, churning mind. Sleeping just below the surface, tongue breaking the tension. milling calcium & phosphate. pores collecting dust and tears, dragging the past from the glade, let them decompose. let them burn in the sun, with a magnifying glass let them decompose.
Pirouette Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 Wow, I haven't posted here in a long time, but this I find interesting enough to log in for. I wonder too if you have a too idealized vision of your relationship. No relationship is perfect, and if she had any doubts, the fact that you appeared to have none (and thus she can't discuss it with you for fear of hurting you) can create pressure in the doubting partner that can cause them to crack one day and take off, especially if they are not emotionally healthy enough. Just my thoughts as I've read through this. Not saying it's your fault, just that you both had different inner perspectives, but you thought you knew what she was thinking, and it turns out you didn't.
Author gmoore Posted June 22, 2012 Author Posted June 22, 2012 Was there anything you disliked about her? Good Idea, Here's my list: She had low self esteem she was moody(in a self deprecating way) She had troubles creating boundaries in her life. It was often a source of tension in her relationships with friends & co-workers. She would often feel bad about the majority of her interpersonal relationships because she wouldn't take care of her own emotional needs. She would introvert and blame herself for problems in the relationship rather than confronting them in a way where we could work through them. This is exemplary of our break-up as a whole where she tried to take ALL the weight of the split as though it would make me feel better if she could just reiterate that the relationship was "great" & that it was all her fault, which is obviously ridiculous. She was way to hard on herself She saw everyone else's relationships in a negative light she let work bleed into her personal life way too much, another problem with boundaries. she has an awful time telling people no, except for me haha She's incredibly talented but won't allow herself to be proud of her accomplishments and never feels good enough. She was constantly stressed out she was unable to compartmentalize certain aspects of her life so she could cope. She is borderline self sabotaging, it's like she almost believes as though she doesn't deserve to be happy... I think I'll keep adding to this list. It's probably healthy to get this out. 1
Author gmoore Posted June 22, 2012 Author Posted June 22, 2012 Wow, I haven't posted here in a long time, but this I find interesting enough to log in for. I wonder too if you have a too idealized vision of your relationship. No relationship is perfect, and if she had any doubts, the fact that you appeared to have none (and thus she can't discuss it with you for fear of hurting you) can create pressure in the doubting partner that can cause them to crack one day and take off, especially if they are not emotionally healthy enough. Just my thoughts as I've read through this. Not saying it's your fault, just that you both had different inner perspectives, but you thought you knew what she was thinking, and it turns out you didn't. Possibly, I knew the relationship had hit a lull but I've always viewed LTR's as having ebb & flow. I just wasn't aware that it had ebbed(if that's a word) so far & so long. Obviously I had a different vision of where the relationship was going. I'm probably guilty of idealizing her to some extent, especially now, but I don't believe unnaturally so. I can see your point though & could very well be a component. Looking back, I realize that I had withdrawn from the relationship to a certain extent as well. In hindsight I don't believe it was a total sucker punch. I do believe what we had was salvageable but alas, she did not.
Pirouette Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 Yes of course relationships run a not always smooth course of highs, lows, and middle grounds. It takes two strong, balanced individuals to ride it out for the long haul to a healthy place. From your list of things you dislike about your gf, I'm acutally a lot like her, and I've struggled with similar things! I've worked through a lot of issues though, and am a lot better for it. The thing is, if she expresses all these work, friend, and personal doubts about herself to you, imagine how much doubts about the relationship she might have had and never expressed. Most likely, she knows that all her negative thought processes are unhealthy and unnatural and she really wants to change, but that can be difficult to do in a relationship if you use the other person as a crutch. Hence, she feels she needs to go it alone and stand on her own two feet, to sink or swim on her own merit. In my opinion, the way she was, you would have had to be too much like a parent developing their young for her to grow in this relationship to become the person she wants to be.
Author gmoore Posted June 22, 2012 Author Posted June 22, 2012 Yes of course relationships run a not always smooth course of highs, lows, and middle grounds. It takes two strong, balanced individuals to ride it out for the long haul to a healthy place. From your list of things you dislike about your gf, I'm acutally a lot like her, and I've struggled with similar things! I've worked through a lot of issues though, and am a lot better for it. The thing is, if she expresses all these work, friend, and personal doubts about herself to you, imagine how much doubts about the relationship she might have had and never expressed. Most likely, she knows that all her negative thought processes are unhealthy and unnatural and she really wants to change, but that can be difficult to do in a relationship if you use the other person as a crutch. Hence, she feels she needs to go it alone and stand on her own two feet, to sink or swim on her own merit. In my opinion, the way she was, you would have had to be too much like a parent developing their young for her to grow in this relationship to become the person she wants to be. That's probably a pretty accurate assessment of the situation. She has doubts about everything and it was probably foolish of me to not realize she had LOTS of doubts about maintaining the relationship (at least a lot more than I thought she had). It's really difficult for her to just let herself be happy in the moment. I hope she is able to work through her problems, she's truly a unique & talented individual with a lot to offer if she can just let herself. What brought you to this site? It tends to be some sort of traumatic life altering breakup or situation that attracts people here, were you the dump-ee or the dump-er? I hope you don't mind me asking.
Pirouette Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 As you can see from my join date, I've been lurking on this site for a long time! I've always been a thinker, probably somewhat neurotic, always questioning what I'm thinking and feeling and the why of it. I found it interesting to examine other people's opinions and reactions, so I read this site on and off. So I am neither a dumper or a dumpee. I do worry a lot though (working on it), and am a perfectionist (working on that too!), and I thought my perspective could help you.
Author gmoore Posted June 22, 2012 Author Posted June 22, 2012 As you can see from my join date, I've been lurking on this site for a long time! I've always been a thinker, probably somewhat neurotic, always questioning what I'm thinking and feeling and the why of it. I found it interesting to examine other people's opinions and reactions, so I read this site on and off. So I am neither a dumper or a dumpee. I do worry a lot though (working on it), and am a perfectionist (working on that too!), and I thought my perspective could help you. Thanks, It does ad another dimension. When I start to be perfectionist about things I try to remember this old proverb:"Perfection is the enemy of good" I've realized that these are words to live by, if perfection is what you are after you only be disappointed. It will render your accomplishments bittersweet & stifle your pursuit of happiness.
Author gmoore Posted June 22, 2012 Author Posted June 22, 2012 I have managed to not listen to Bright Eyes yet though haha.
Pirouette Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 And could that not characterize your ex-gf and your relationship? She never felt good enough and wanted to feel the certainty that you feel about your relationship, but the way her mind works it would never come. That just created more doubts, and likely made her feel terrible about having a wonderful guy that should be everything she wants and needs, but she could not give her trust and happiness to. It was a good relationship, but it's all a matter of perspective. Mentally she was short-changing herself, the relationship, and you. This is a failing in her. Now, possibly, she can move on from you, grow from it, learn her own mind, develop healthy self esteem and look back and finally see the relationship the way you did and know what was wrong with her perspective. And she could come back, and you could start again as equals, and everything will work out. Or she could go to a worse place, have all her anxieties magnified, fall into destructive patterns with a new man who could exploit and feed on her weaknesses, where she feels she deserves it, and never pull herself out of that hole. Who knows? In many ways, it's easier to be weak than to be strong, especially when you've spent years developing negative thought patterns. Hopefully she has a good support system, and that she will consider counselling for her problems. All you can know is that this isn't your fault. You can't fix someone, nor should you want to (unless you are a profession in that field and impartial!). Don't feel like you're giving up and walking away. Stop worrying about her. This is her choice, for good or ill. Now is the time for you to think about you.
Author gmoore Posted June 22, 2012 Author Posted June 22, 2012 "Who knows? In many ways, it's easier to be weak than to be strong, especially when you've spent years developing negative thought patterns." That's the ****ing truth if I've ever heard it. Fortunately I believe that I am exceptionally strong. I am strong willed and willing to look in the mirror & really see myself so as to become a better me. Habits develop quick and they break hard...
Pirouette Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 There, that's the right attitude! Know it, live it. She wasn't strong enough for you. She may have been nice, and smart, and whatever, but she was too weak where it counted. You are a good person. You are good enough. You can always be better, but who you are is good enough for you. Strive to be better, and enjoy the journey getting there. That is the healthiest attitude.
Author gmoore Posted June 23, 2012 Author Posted June 23, 2012 (edited) Today has been tough. It has been really lonely. I had a little bout of weeping, it felt like I had been holding it in for a while. I'm going to go to the ocean to people watch & read a book. I hope it gives me a bit of clarity or release or something. Watching the waves. Listening to the natural rhythm. Feeling a bit like a shell. Nothing feels good. I NEED to pull myself out of these doldrums. Feel the wind in my sails. Whew, tough one... Interesting thing is, I don't feel like breaking NC, It's just the feeling of her not being there, it's torturous right now. I know contacting her right now would solve nothing. It would satiate nothing. I will accept what is happening, it is beyond my control. Edited June 23, 2012 by gmoore
Pirouette Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 The pain is a natural extension of your capacity to love, a result of the genuiness of your feelings. Don't regret it too much. Accept it. It is who you are. In time, this moment in your life will become a bittersweet memory. If you can, and are so inclined, do something artistic. Create something beautiful and cathartic. Adopt a cat or dog. It will keep you busy, frustrate you to be sure! and return your efforts tenfold. Good luck.
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