Great Relationship But Now She Needs Space?

[gmoore]

Hello, everyone I'm new here & I look forward to being a part of this community & getting some feedback.

 

So here is my story. I am 31 as of may 29th & she just turned 28. My GF & I have been together for almost 3 years(would have been 3 years in june) & have been living together for about 2.5 years of it. We were about to move into a beautiful new place together on June 1st but last friday she broke down and told me that she need time to be with herself & "figure things out". She re-iterated over and over that our relationship was/is great & that she loves me but she needs to do this for herself right now.

 

She definitely has inadequacy issues & self esteem issues from teenage trauma & being in a psychologically abusive 4 year relationship right before our relationship(1-2 months in between relationships). She says that I have helped her grow into the person she is now but relies to much on me for self validation & confidence & that she needs to be on her own to figure those things out or else she can't give another person 100% of herself because she feels too dependent on the relationship.

 

Our relationship was great, we were/are incredibly supportive of each other, loving, intimate & attracted to one another. That is not to say we didn't have our problems & arguments but overall we were in a very loving relationship. I planned on marrying this girl & truly feel like she is "the one" if there is such a thing.

 

She is also one of the most loyal, straight forward & honest people I know so when she says it's not about being with some one else I do believe her.

 

She also says things like "I don't know why I'm doing this but I feel I have to" so she seems truly apprehensive about loosing the relationship or friendship but I do not want to be just her friend, we are too romantically interconnected for me to be able to stomach that.

 

& to top off the whole thing 2 days after she told me she went & talked to one of her friends who told her she was stupid for letting me go & that what have is really special & started being REALLY intimate with me and we had 3 days of being amazingly close to one another but then still ultimately feels like she has to go through with this.

 

I'm sure that's a little jumbled & that I've left out other important details but that is the overall gist of the situation.

 

I'm madly in love her but I ultimately want the best for us.

 

What do you all think?

[gmoore]

She also texted one of my married friends & said that I might need a friend & he just got in contact with me, I guess I'm not entirely sure why she's doing this, I can't wrap my brain around the whole thing. She obviously cares for me. Is she just doing this because she feels responsible?

[Mack05]

Firstly welcome. I think its important that you give her the space she requires. I know how hard that is to do, but in this situation I think its crucial you stay strong and give her the space needed.

 

The problem here is that she didn't come to terms with her last relationship. It was only a 1-2 month gap between meeting you and then 6 months you are living together. That is just way too fast. Especially for someone as vulnerable a state as your ex was.

 

Being in an abusive relationship for that length of time can be soul destroying for a person. They are left emotionally battered, confused with a million questions going through their head. She would have felt like a person stepping off a high speed twisty rollercoaster that was going super fast. In hindsight the best thing she could have done is deal with the issues and aftermath of that abusive relationship. Learnt to rebuild herself again (self worth/self confidence/self belief/Rid insecurities. Learn to love herself again. Learn to turn things truly inwards and face her demons.

 

She didn't do that. She filled a HUGE emotional gap within her the wrong way. Instead of confronting, understanding and resolving why she allowed herself be treated the way she was (and issues in her life before her last ex), she turned to you to make her happy. It seems you did an awesome job, because of the fact she stayed as long as she did. The problem though when you avoid, deny and/or supress feelings that are within; you are only delaying the inevitable. There is no person on earth that can keep us happy, if we are not truly happy in ourselves. Feelings are like weeds. They run wild if you don't deal with them in the right way.

 

As hard as it is you have to give her all the space she needs. I have a feeling if you stay away until she comes back, then you guys will get back together. Sometimes in a relationship we have to do the most unselfish things to keep a dream alive. There will be times we want to quit. Times we think we can't go on. Times when we are selfish and feel sorry for ourselves. You have been a great guy till now. Worked miracles. Now is a huge test for you.

 

There is a chance she may never come back. And when you truly love someone that is a scary thought. Believe me when I (and everyone on this forum) tell you begging, pleading, manipulating will not get her to come back. You need to trust in god, yourself, whatever and let her go. If she comes back she is yours forever. If not then its never meant to be. What is for you won't pass you by.

 

Every relationship faces a massive test at some point. Most can't pass this test. The special one's is where both partners give 50/50. Both are in a great place in their lives. At times you will need to lean on your partner and she will lean on you. It's the strength you both show in these scenarios that will determine if its meant to be or not. She is asking u to be strong for her now. That is no hard cause its a breakup in essence and that is scary. if she doesn't come back it will be gut wrenching but at least you can say you behaved with class and dignity. You gave her your best shot.

 

That is all you can ask of yourself right now. If you love her let her go...If she is the one she will be back...Best of luck mate...

Edited May 24, 2012 by Mack05

[Tree_Salmon]

She also texted one of my married friends & said that I might need a friend & he just got in contact with me, I guess I'm not entirely sure why she's doing this, I can't wrap my brain around the whole thing. She obviously cares for me. Is she just doing this because she feels responsible?

 

Well, I can tell you that this isn't a good sign. But the only thing you can do is give her that "space". To me it this whole argument is a relationship ender at this point.

 

It's going to begin a cycle of uncertainty and second guessing for you now.

 

From my past experiences i would say let her go but everyone's situation is slightly different. The only thing you can do is give her time to "figure it out" whatever that means.

 

It usually means "let me see what other guys are like. there's something I don't like about you but i'm too comfortable to deal with it."

Question is, do you want to be with someone who can possibly do this again? when you're married? kids?

[gmoore]

Mack, thank you for your kind words, wisdom & positivity. I think you hit the nail right on the head with your response. Your words echo hers.

 

I've been in on/off relationships before & she is simply not that type of woman so if she comes back I am confident that she will be sure about herself & her decision & at that point we'd be able to move forward & grow together.

[gmoore]

Well, I can tell you that this isn't a good sign. But the only thing you can do is give her that "space". To me it this whole argument is a relationship ender at this point.

 

It's going to begin a cycle of uncertainty and second guessing for you now.

 

From my past experiences i would say let her go but everyone's situation is slightly different. The only thing you can do is give her time to "figure it out" whatever that means.

 

It usually means "let me see what other guys are like. there's something I don't like about you but i'm too comfortable to deal with it."

Question is, do you want to be with someone who can possibly do this again? when you're married? kids?

 

Thank you for your input tree, I definitely know it's not a good sign. That being said I do trust her words very deeply & know her incredibly well & don't believe that she is looking to see what other guys are like. I think it is truly more like the the situation that Mack describes in his post about her not healing & being right with herself before our relationship began. That's not to say that it isn't a possibility that she won't see other men, that is her prerogative, I just don't believe that is her motivation.

 

I've been in on/off relationships before & she is simply not that type of woman so if she comes back I am confident that she will be sure about herself & her decision & at that point I'll be able to decide whether or not I would want to pursue a relationship with her we'd be able to move forward & grow together.

 

I have a few married friends who have needed time while they were still dating only to ultimately realize that they wanted to work for the relationship that would eventually become a marriage & the majority are very happy with their partners.

 

I feels as though almost every relationship goes though something of this magnitude at some point, even the ones that seem healthy & great? am I wrong? After all, as humans, we are all works in progress.

[Mack05]

Mack, thank you for your kind words, wisdom & positivity. I think you hit the nail right on the head with your response. Your words echo hers.

 

I've been in on/off relationships before & she is simply not that type of woman so if she comes back I am confident that she will be sure about herself & her decision & at that point we'd be able to move forward & grow together.

 

Honestly mate I am normally negative in these situations and I fear the worst for posters, but I can just sense something genuine to what she is saying (having been there myself). What concerns me is if she spends time alone she might hate the thought of facing the world by herself and come back to you, only for this cycle to keep repeating.

 

I remember in my second last relationship asking my ex for space until I resolved the issues at the time which were plaguing me and us. She kept coming back (cause its hard to leave go) and eventually my up and down behaviour destroyed what potentially could have turned out to be a great relationship and she pushed me away. We will never speak again and I wonder if we did do the 6 months apart what might have happened. Instead I made every wrong choice in the book..Very easy to advise when you are logical, not so easy to follow when you are emotionally tied.

 

If you want my advice (IF she makes contact again) agree to give each other 6 months apart. Explain you feel its for the best and its important you don't break NC (No matter what). Yes its hell on earth but in my experience its the best chance you both have of making this work. I failed my test miserably. Thankfully, I am in the process of turning my life around, don't feel a million miles away from being ready to date again but it's not easy meeting someone you have a genuine healthy connection with.

 

What you guys had is worth fighting for, but it is now in a very vulnerable state. You have to be extra careful here. She may reach out (even if you come to an agreement for 6 months NC) and refusing her will be almost impossible. You are about to go through a wave of different emotions. You will want to break NC a million times. I failed that test two r's in a row, so if you do too then I can't come back and reprimand you. I can just tell you what I wish now I would have done. Especially in my relationship before last. Lesson's learnt the very hard way. Rebounding, fooling myself etc etc. I hope you can learn from my mistakes..

[gmoore]

Thanks Mack, I know she truly needs time & I know that if we are to ever have a truly loving, nourishing & lasting relationship she needs to repair herself. I know she's telling the truth, it just hurts & I want to distrust and be angry with her because of past experiences with other women but I just can't & I can only respect her for her honesty.

 

She was also saying stuff like, "I still want to do those dinners that we wanted to do with so and so & want to be able to be around you & hang out with you blah blah blah..." I guess I'll chock this up to her fear & uncertainty & that she is really still in love with me but feels as though if she doesn't face this now that she might never and end up resenting me and having to end it in a much messier more complicated situation down the road. IDK what to you think?

[Mack05]

Thanks Mack, I know she truly needs time & I know that if we are to ever have a truly loving, nourishing & lasting relationship she needs to repair herself. I know she's telling the truth, it just hurts & I want to distrust and be angry with her because of past experiences with other women but I just can't & I can only respect her for her honesty.

 

She was also saying stuff like, "I still want to do those dinners that we wanted to do with so and so & want to be able to be around you & hang out with you blah blah blah..." I guess I'll chock this up to her fear & uncertainty & that she is really still in love with me but feels as though if she doesn't face this now that she might never and end up resenting me and having to end it in a much messier more complicated situation down the road. IDK what to you think?

 

I think she is trying to have her cake and eat it. Facing her demons will be very hard (harder then she actually realizes) so meeting you for dinner is a fall back. I would meet for one more dinner and explain face to face she needs to take this journey on her own. It may not feel like it, but it is the best thing you can do for her right now. Friends just after a breakup is out of the question.

 

Explain you love her and will wait for her as long as it takes, but that she needs to respect this is a very hard time for you also and that you too need space (lots of it). Yes its very hard to place trust in someone who is asking for a breakup. This is where you need to listen to your inner voice. If you believe she is the one, then fight for her. Fighting for her doesn't mean meeting her for dinner, breaking NC, reacting when she reaches out. Fighting for her is giving your relationship the best chance to get back on track. The best chance is to give each other lots of space and not break NC.

 

When someone we love is hurting and reaches out to us the normal reaction is to be there for them. This is one situation where answering her call is not the right thing to do. If she reaches out its because she is uncomfortable. It's because she doesn't want to face these demons alone. She wants to go back to the place where it feels safe. Where she feels secure. Yes it will feel great to hold her in your arms again, but if you choose that course of action she will leave you again. Nothing I can be surer about...

Edited May 24, 2012 by Mack05

[gmoore]

The worst part is we have like 3-4 straight days of moving & cleaning. After that it will be NC for some time.

 

Do you think I should actually tell her that I'll wait for her? I mean, I want to but I also don't want to put that pressure on her & I'm no sucker. She knows I'm wildly in love with her.

 

Has NC ever worked for you?

 

It actually worked for me in my last relationship but when she tried to come back I had realized how bad & unhealthy the situation was & didn't want it at all. the was the on/off girl. we broke up & got back together probably 6-7 times over the course of 4 years.

 

My only fear is that I don't want NC to turn into a mind game, like staying in NC & ignoring her when she might really be ready to establish contact, when is it right & how will I know?

 

I know that NC only works as a personal healing technique & not as a technique to get your ex GF back, it is just the positive result of taking care of your own & getting back on your feet. I just truly feel like she is the one & I don't want to doom a potential reconciliation by seeming like I'm playing head games. I felt similar last time but feel as though the stakes are much higher this time, I feel as though she is "the one" regardless of how cliché that sounds. We would tell each other that we were the love of each other's lives when things were good not only saying that with the threat of loss & rejection & that's why I say she's "the one".

[Mack05]

The worst part is we have like 3-4 straight days of moving & cleaning. After that it will be NC for some time.

 

Do you think I should actually tell her that I'll wait for her? I mean, I want to but I also don't want to put that pressure on her & I'm no sucker. She knows I'm wildly in love with her.

 

Has NC ever worked for you?

 

It actually worked for me in my last relationship but when she tried to come back I had realized how bad & unhealthy the situation was & didn't want it at all. the was the on/off girl. we broke up & got back together probably 6-7 times over the course of 4 years.

 

My only fear is that I don't want NC to turn into a mind game, like staying in NC & ignoring her when she might really be ready to establish contact, when is it right & how will I know?

 

I know that NC only works as a personal healing technique & not as a technique to get your ex GF back, it is just the positive result of taking care of your own & getting back on your feet. I just truly feel like she is the one & I don't want to doom a potential reconciliation by seeming like I'm playing head games. I felt similar last time but feel as though the stakes are much higher this time, I feel as though she is "the one" regardless of how cliché that sounds. We would tell each other that we were the love of each other's lives when things were good not only saying that with the threat of loss & rejection & that's why I say she's "the one".

 

Love is such a tricky business. What sometimes can be right for one person, can be wrong for another. Matters of the heart are not black and white that is for sure. Honestly NC has been a disaster for me. Recently, I have never maintained it for longer than 2 months. I am a over-thinker and would react on a certain emotion(s) without thinking it through, with pretty disastrous consequences usually.

 

I am working on this weakness now and have seen some great recent progress. I have stopped myself getting involved with a crush I have, until I know I am right within myself. Still I haven't been really tested so time will tell. I like your post above. Considering everything you are thinking very clearly. Now is not a time for mind games. There is never a good time in a relationship for mind games. I would stay NC until she breaks it (and she will). This will give you time to get what you want to say in your head.

 

Write a journal. This will help you piece your thoughts together. When she breaks NC meet for dinner and just be honest with her. Tell her you love her, you will wait as long as is needed but that you know its best she resolves her issues; knowing your relationship cannot be a success the way things currently are.

 

Relationships in general only work after breakups, when two people come back after a sustained period of time and bring something different to the table. They acknowledge what went wrong and put together the steps to avoid these issues/mistakes in future. Use the time apart to emotionally grow. Identify the issues from your side that caused problems in the relationship and resolve to put them right. I know some self help books helped me greatly. My relationship communication and emotional maturity let me down at times so I bought books like "Why can't you read my mind" and "Go suck a lemon".. Also after my last breakup I have gotten myself in awesome shape (has really helped with self esteem). The journal idea I mentioned above is also a big help during NC.

 

Sitting there waiting for her is the worst thing you can do. Improve yourself and vow to give her space. The rest will take care of itself. Look for threads from a guy called thedovic (similarish story to yours) and take your time reading through them (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/search.php?searchid=18025679). He kept answering his ex's calls when she reached out only for her to never come back. She would throw him breadcrumbs and he would answer every time. He had setback after setback. I see the same thing happening here.

 

You need to establish firm and decisive boundaries after she breaks NC. You explain you will not answer ANY breadcrumbs and that months of NC is not only important but it's necessary. This is not mind games. This is giving someone you love time to sort her issues out for the sake of having a future together. Yes NC is for personal healing, but saying you won't spend the time hoping she comes back is not realistic. When the time (for up to 6 months) is right reach out to her and see where u stand. If she says no then you can move on in peace and the many months of NC will have helped you enormously.

 

I ignored advice from others and my own advice. You have no idea how big a test this is. Most fail..

Edited May 24, 2012 by Mack05

[gmoore]

Ok so let me see if I have this straight. 1) finish moving & try not to be a sob story. 2) go NC until she calls & at that point lay the ground rules & tell her that I love her & that ill wait but if we truly have a future together we have to be able to bring something new to the table & have grown & dealt with our issues. 3) go nc and allow her to truly be with herself while I work on myself. 4) this where I'm confused, what's next? What do i do when she reaches out to me at this point? How will I know when we're ready? Obviously theres no text book time frame maybe ill just know when its right? she seems to talk as though she wants to try again down the road.

[flitzanu]

harsh input first.

 

"i need space" = "i want to bang other guys"

 

sorry.

 

ask your friends if/when they've ever "been on a break" with a relationship, and how the fights that followed because one of them slept with another person was acceptable since they were "on a break".

 

now, that being said, the others pointed out that yes, this could be an honest need for some self-growth.

 

the problem is, you're never going to know which one it is until either 1) you catch her lying about a new guy, 2) she calls you saying she wants to fix it and be with you.

 

as stated above, all you can do at this point is give that space. in doing so that means you are not her friend, and not at her beck and call. the one mistake so many make is to "tell" the other person they are going NC. i don't recommend doing that. what's the point in telling someone you are ignoring them? makes it sound purposeful. the purpose here is, talking to her is going to keep you worrying. you cut contact and cut her out of your life, the quicker you stop thinking about her.

 

the ONLY thing you are now waiting to hear from her is along the lines of "ok i want to fix this relationship and be with you". nothing else is relevant, and don't read between the lines of anything else she says. ultimately, prepare yourself mentally for this girl to be gone. treat it as a breakup.

 

maybe it isn't a breakup...but statistics show that yes, it is. "space" = breakup.

 

sucks bro. i feel for you.

[Mack05]

Ok so let me see if I have this straight. 1) finish moving & try not to be a sob story. 2) go NC until she calls & at that point lay the ground rules & tell her that I love her & that ill wait but if we truly have a future together we have to be able to bring something new to the table & have grown & dealt with our issues. 3) go nc and allow her to truly be with herself while I work on myself. 4) this where I'm confused, what's next? What do i do when she reaches out to me at this point? How will I know when we're ready? Obviously theres no text book time frame maybe ill just know when its right? she seems to talk as though she wants to try again down the road.

 

gmoore here is where I don't have all the answers. If i did I wouldn't be single myself. Maybe Flitzanu is right. I can only give you my experiences and hope they help you. As you said above there is no text book above to do the right thing, at the right time. If we all knew the exact timing and the exact correct things to say, none of us would ever break up and be single.

 

What I am saying to you is, that she is going to reach out to you over the next 2 months. I am 110% sure of this. Even though she will not be ready, even though you laid out the ground rules about NC she will reach out. Please take time to read thedovic threads above (maybe over the weekend). The poor guy went through the absolute ringer. All the highs and lows in the world. Our natural reaction is to reach back to someone they love, when they reach out. After all we are human beings with beating loving hearts. If you do reach back, after she reaches out, then in my opinion (based on my experiences and reading thousands of stories on this forum) any chance you have of salvaging this relationship is probably gone...

 

For what its worth I don't think she wants other guys. I just think she is feeling overwhelmed. When you suppress feelings and avoid dealing with things this invariably happens. That's just a hunch I have. Now is the time to remain incredibily strong. You may feel you are letting her down by not answering her call, but trust me that is not the case..Sadly I can see this going the obvious way. She reaches out. U answer. She gives signs of optimism but then pulls the rug from under you and says she is still not ready, you take a set back and the cycle continues until she eventually doesn't come back because she partly blames you (unfairly I might add) for her/your problems. This leaves you gutted and broken.

 

The best way to get her back/Move on from her is to leave her go for 6 months. You do not break NC. Even on her birthday. You dont answer her call WHEN she reaches out in the next 2 months. Here is the best guide on this forum for no contact.... -> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/281193-all-new-no-contact-thread

 

Sadly following my own advice is something I couldn't do. It probably cost me a great girl this time last year. A girl I tried to replace. A girl I haven't fully moved on from yet. Matters of the heart are so hard and complex. But by breaking NC (even if she contacts you) you are pushing her away even though you don't realise it...I have learnt some very harsh lessons my friend. I am still paying the price now..Fooling myself has been very deterimental for me the past 12 months.

 

What happens next for you is up to you..

Edited May 24, 2012 by Mack05

[Tree_Salmon]

harsh input first.

 

"i need space" = "i want to bang other guys"

 

sorry.

 

ask your friends if/when they've ever "been on a break" with a relationship, and how the fights that followed because one of them slept with another person was acceptable since they were "on a break".

 

now, that being said, the others pointed out that yes, this could be an honest need for some self-growth.

 

the problem is, you're never going to know which one it is until either 1) you catch her lying about a new guy, 2) she calls you saying she wants to fix it and be with you.

 

as stated above, all you can do at this point is give that space. in doing so that means you are not her friend, and not at her beck and call. the one mistake so many make is to "tell" the other person they are going NC. i don't recommend doing that. what's the point in telling someone you are ignoring them? makes it sound purposeful. the purpose here is, talking to her is going to keep you worrying. you cut contact and cut her out of your life, the quicker you stop thinking about her.

 

the ONLY thing you are now waiting to hear from her is along the lines of "ok i want to fix this relationship and be with you". nothing else is relevant, and don't read between the lines of anything else she says. ultimately, prepare yourself mentally for this girl to be gone. treat it as a breakup.

 

maybe it isn't a breakup...but statistics show that yes, it is. "space" = breakup.

 

sucks bro. i feel for you.

 

We know you want to hear the positive things but I've seen the whole "break" business.

 

It usually means "something is wrong and either i don't know what or I do know what but what I want is to be away from you"

 

You wouldn't ask for a break, would you? So why suddenly accept one from her?

 

We love to rationalize all the time about this garbage but it comes down to "i don't want to be around you" which to me says it's on its way out.

 

Bottom line peoples actions. Don't rationalize.

 

And YES disappear until she comes to you. Don't be mad, or emotional, or overly nice, just say "ok here you go" and disappear until she comes back.

[gmoore]

harsh input first.

"i need space" = "i want to bang other guys"

 

I think that statistically you're probably right but I'm almost positive that this is not the case here.

 

I think I agree more with what Mack is saying when he said:

 

"The problem here is that she didn't come to terms with her last relationship. It was only a 1-2 month gap between meeting you and then 6 months you are living together. That is just way too fast. Especially for someone as vulnerable a state as your ex was."

 

She says she has never done something like this for herself, she feels like she's always trying to appease others and making sacrifices for them & not taking what she needs from the world/life to make her happy with herself & she can't rely solely on me for her happiness which I understand. I truly believe we have a solid foundation if we decide to try again.

 

what she said last night keeps echoing through my brain. "I don't know why I'm doing this but I feel like I have to". this was last night on the phone when she called wondering if I was home(our old house we're moving out of). it was the first night we stayed apart. She said she didn't want to be around her stuff & wanted to know if I thought our cat would be ok. there was a little crying and really long pauses on the phone, like she just wanted to know that I was there but didn't really know what to say. She decided to stay at her parents house and eventually we both said goodnight.

 

I know I way over thinking every interaction right now but it's imposible not I guess.

 

why did she say that? what does that mean?

[Tree_Salmon]

I think that statistically you're probably right but I'm almost positive that this is not the case here.

 

I think I agree more with what Mack is saying when he said:

 

"The problem here is that she didn't come to terms with her last relationship. It was only a 1-2 month gap between meeting you and then 6 months you are living together. That is just way too fast. Especially for someone as vulnerable a state as your ex was."

 

She says she has never done something like this for herself, she feels like she's always trying to appease others and making sacrifices for them & not taking what she needs from the world/life to make her happy with herself & she can't rely solely on me for her happiness which I understand. I truly believe we have a solid foundation if we decide to try again.

 

what she said last night keeps echoing through my brain. "I don't know why I'm doing this but I feel like I have to". this was last night on the phone when she called wondering if I was home(our old house we're moving out of). it was the first night we stayed apart. She said she didn't want to be around her stuff & wanted to know if I thought our cat would be ok. there was a little crying and really long pauses on the phone, like she just wanted to know that I was there but didn't really know what to say. She decided to stay at her parents house and eventually we both said goodnight.

 

I know I way over thinking every interaction right now but it's imposible not I guess.

 

why did she say that? what does that mean?

 

I think you want that to be true.

 

And it may well be. Maybe shes not over whatever relationship. So you

have a girl who's not really into you all this time?

 

This isn't going to make sense. I bet if another guy came and said the right things she wouldn't need a break from him.

 

I've seen women do some crazy out of character things man. The reason you're here is because this whole "space" thing blindsided you. If shes capable of this why isn't she capable of something worse?

 

I say prepare for the worst.

[Mack05]

OP I can tell you reacting emotionally immaturely without proper thought, has been very deterimental for me the past 12-18 months. Not sure when I can call myself a solid dependable trustworthy partner again. What I do know is I don't want you to have to suffer like I have..The next few months will be so tough..

 

Myself and other posters may have differing opinions here but the common theme is strict NC. No matter what, unless she clearly states she wants you back...

[Joaquin]

I understand that a girl might want space if their fella has been acting the maggot. A few days maybe, a week tops.

 

Doesn't seem right to sit there like a spanner waiting for months for her. Sounds kinda manipulative on her part. If she doesn't know what she wants then you leave her and move onto a girl who is more sure footed.

Edited May 24, 2012 by Joaquin

[gmoore]

Yeah, I know. Move on & heal, I understand. She wants space, give it to her & figure out your ****. That is what's happening, I have no choice.

 

I mean how often does a girl explicitly say "I want you back"? I'm no chump, I was good to her, we were great together, she's not sure what she needs or wants and needs to figure that out. I can't figure that out for her.

[robkris8079]

More harshness

 

If she want's space your relationship was not great.

 

If she want's space it means she doesn't want YOU in her space. She isn't taking space from people in general.

 

If she want's space she want's someone else. Maybe not a particular person but her mind has wondered from you. Not saying she will run to another but she has and is thinking about it.

 

If she want's space and just told you now, she has wanted space from YOU for ALOT longer then that.

 

If you care about her, even more so care about yourself you will give her space. Give her a ton of space, give her so much space that you can hardly remember her face or the sound of her voice.

[Tree_Salmon]

More harshness

 

If she want's space your relationship was not great.

 

If she want's space it means she doesn't want YOU in her space. She isn't taking space from people in general.

 

If she want's space she want's someone else. Maybe not a particular person but her mind has wondered from you. Not saying she will run to another but she has and is thinking about it.

 

If she want's space and just told you now, she has wanted space from YOU for ALOT longer then that.

 

If you care about her, even more so care about yourself you will give her space. Give her a ton of space, give her so much space that you can hardly remember her face or the sound of her voice.

 

I agree.

Maybe your relationship was great to you but its not giving her what she needs emotional or else she wouldn't want to EVER break from it.

 

I'm sure everyone here can fight you about who has had the best relationship with their ex. We ALL have had an incredible relationship.

 

I know I thought of mine as something that was better than anything I've ever seen from anyone else. And yet, here we are. So, it's time for you to look at this from the outside instead of the inside.

 

It is incredibly painful and I've been through much worse so I'm telling you prepare yourself and become a stronger person. Concentrate on yourself and making yourself happy no matter what she does.

[Mack05]

I like the posters on this thread so can't argue too hard with them. Good people who take their time to help others.

 

But I will throw that cat amongst the pigeons here. I wonder if your ex is 'codependent'. Believe me that is just a guess, as I have never met her. Google the expression (codependent) and see if I am talking sense. I am codepedent and I am seeing so many similar things in your story. I truly believe its why she put up with her abusive ex for 4 years. I believe she is a clued in girl, with a kind heart and realizes 'something' is wrong, but she can't quiet put her finger on it.

 

I wrote about codependency here -> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/325705-how-do-i-know-if-i-am-co-dependant-2.html

 

The other posters could be right about your ex. Maybe u need to write this off to experience, but I just have this strong hunch she is just a messed up girl right now who needs to sort herself out. If you are there for her after she goes through her journey, IMO she will never let you down again. I dunno maybe I see things are not there in this story, but its my opinion and I am sticking to it...

 

I do agree with others it has to be a long period of NC. I discussed this before and won't repeat myself..

[EgoJoe]

Replace the word space with another guy's name. If she says time alone and space it means, "I need time alone with (guys name). Wait on the sidelines for scraps of my attention when I need a pick me up."

 

Congratulations she is a modern "Woman" who equates new dick with love and magically all of her problems disappear because DUN DUN DUN you caused them all and no amount of logic will get through to her because of some stupid emotionally charged break with reality. Read the posts by the females here, read the posts by the guys complaining about the females here, IT IS NUTS! Get out of this situation before you lose respect for yourself and cause massive amounts of damage to your ego, pride and self-esteem.

 

The only thing you can control is your decision making, forget about her, she is Chinatown.

[gmoore]

Wow Mack. Just wow. I had no idea I was so oblivious to this. I wish I had recognized that this is the problem while things were better & I might have been able to help. So many of these symptoms are spot on & I mean dead center accurate as to how she wohod describe her feelings and her relationships with other people. I am absolutely floored by how accurate some of the symptoms of her codependency are, I guess i never actually knew what it was. I feel like I have to find a way to tell her or have someonee else tell her so she'll be receptive?