Ninjainpajamas Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 (edited) This probably sounds stupid..but I feel like **** bc I'm comparing myself to his ex..who no offense, he said was fat, lazy, ugly.. I'm just asking myself why he was happy with her and not me.. They always say that...especially If they cheat. Men lie to make you feel better or not have to tell you the truth. It was good you pressured him for an answer, If someone doesn't want to answer a question you know it's really bad news. It sounds like he's already invested emotionally somewhere else, he is acting like a cheater to me...whether it's physical or emotional, something has changed and is going on....humungous red flag here, something has went down or you're about to get the boot. Men are also always going to make it seem "confusing" so they'll tell you mixed responses, this is to make you not feel so bad and make them feel a little less guilty...that's why throughout your life you'll hear men say things like.. "You're great, you're amazing...but I just can't be with you...you deserve someone better than this and what I can give you" There's a compliment...followed by the truth (negative) this is a way of a man balancing out the verdict, which as a naive woman you buy both of them complicate something actually very simple...men look at the bottom line, the resulting factor..its like men with sex, it's about the orgasm...while you pay attention to the subtle, discreet factors and all the details...men are about bottom lines, women are about stupid little details which is what makes them get into these kind of messes when for men it's quite simple what the outcome will be. You need to start seeing/thinking that way. Right now he's thinking about a lot of things, probably will say he's stressed out for example or has a lot on his mind...his actions towards you are clear though, he is drifting from you and he could very well be finding himself still emotionally attached to his ex...so you should leave but you'll likely swing from his nuts just hoping he'll love you like he did his ex. Bottom line is (remember the bottom line?) he doesn't seem happy or content with you at all...his actions show more than his weak feeble words, would you fall for it if someone was kicking you in your face but saying he wasn't? which one are you going to believe? and when will you act?...when your face is already beaten to a pulp? So get a clue, help yourself out because this guy is going to drop a bomb on you...IF you just sit there like a pretty pretty princess waiting for him to fess up It's going to be way too late...and then you'll just be the typical girl "why why whyyyyyyyyyy!, what did I do wrong? why am i not good enough....wah wah wah" when it doesn't have anything to do with you, it has to do with where his emotions are for her or not with you...and why would you think he could just transfer those emotions from her to you? If you think that's how it works why don't you just dump him and transfer your emotions to someone who wants to be with you? pretty simple right?...but then again the kind of logic doesn't mean anything to you because you're too "in love" with him, when you don't even know what love is..but then again you're just 22 (with who knows how much experience and even then probably with younger more inexperienced guys)...not the biggest surprise...is it making any sense yet why you shouldn't be dating a 32 year old man? I'm 31 and I could spin you around all day long emotionally and confuse you so much you wouldn't know which way is up or down...and you wouldn't even know I was doing it. You're lucky this guy isn't more competent, but then again that's probably why he's dating an 22 year old in the first place...because he's a douche that preys on easy targets, of course you're going to see him as a great guy...that's laughable. Edited May 24, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas 1
Disenchantedly Yours Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 Please please please listen to Ninjainpajamas. He really knows what he is talking about, Vtgirl.
Pierre Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 In the beginning he made me totally happy! He did sweet things, made me feel great. I'm not super unhappy with him..he still does nice things here and there, but doesn't treat me the same way like he used to. I want someone who wants to be with me, and is happy with me! I don't want to constantly have to wonder how they feel about me. In the beginning of our relationship I didn't wonder, because he always told me how he felt. This relationship has gone from 10 to 0 within three months, probably a world record. For most couples it takes years to reach the state of detachment described by OP. Despite the above OP stays!:( Wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!:o
bean1 Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 He could push you down into the dirt and rub your face in it, and you'd stay. You are obviously a very insecure girl, asking questions like "do you love me", "do you like living with me?", "are you happy with me?" etc... He knows this. He knows you are insecure and you will put up with anything. Don't you understand that there are people who are willing to prey on that? You're living with a guy and he's hiding his phone and getting texts from other girls, does he need to bone her on the couch while you're watching for you to realize that he is cheating on you? Good luck to you, but he will probably marry you if you are so willing to turn a blind eye to the obvious.
stillafool Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 Vtgirl this guy is still in love with his ex and is still carrying that pain. Maybe she has fallen for someone else and he realizes he is no longer on her mind and it hurts like hell. He said those bad things about her to try to convince himself that she is not desirable to him but he knows he still wants her. This guy isn't even trying to make you feel secure in the least. He could at least lie to make you feel better but he doesn't even care enough to do that. I think you need to take back your self worth and move out. You said why wouldn't he move out if he didn't want to be with you, but it's his place isn't it so you should move out.
PinkInTheLimo Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 I think he does not have the guts to tell you that he has no intention to stay with you on the long term but in the mean time enjoys the fact that you take care of him. Probably a lot of guys are like that, avoiding confrontation. Those guys are not relationship material. This guy has treated you very well in the beginning in order to lure you into the relationship but now you are hooked, he does not want to do any effort anymore. I he gave you in the beginning. So I can understand that it is hard to break things off with him. However the longer you stay the more your heart will be broken by this man. He does not treat you with respect. He does not want to discuss the relationship, he criticises for staying over at your mom's place once in a while (all while not making you feel very welcome in his place). And he seems still very involved with his ex. If she does not live at his place anymore, no mail should for her should arrive in his place. I know it is hard to break things of when you are smitten with a guy but I think that that is what you should do. He has all the power now, it's about time you take some of it back.
veggirl Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 In the beginning he made me totally happy! He did sweet things, made me feel great. I'm not super unhappy with him..he still does nice things here and there, but doesn't treat me the same way like he used to. I want someone who wants to be with me, and is happy with me! I don't want to constantly have to wonder how they feel about me. In the beginning of our relationship I didn't wonder, because he always told me how he felt. STOP saying "in the beginning" and realize THIS IS THE BEGINNING. You talk about this guy and your relationship like you have been together for years. it has been 3 months Do you realize how ridiculous it is to have these problems 3 months in? I realize you are young. You WILL look back on this "relationship" with major regret someday. I hope you do not waste much more time on this abomination of "love". How was he even making you happy in the beginning? He was cheating on you 2 months in!!! You say you want someone who wants to be with you, etc. Well, you OBVIOUSLY do not have that, so why are you staying? How quickly into this "relationship" did he say ILY? When did you move in? He could push you down into the dirt and rub your face in it, and you'd stay. So true You are obviously a very insecure girl, asking questions like "do you love me", "do you like living with me?", "are you happy with me?" etc... He knows this. He knows you are insecure and you will put up with anything. Don't you understand that there are people who are willing to prey on that? You're living with a guy and he's hiding his phone and getting texts from other girls, does he need to bone her on the couch while you're watching for you to realize that he is cheating on you? Good luck to you, but he will probably marry you if you are so willing to turn a blind eye to the obvious. This, too. It is very sad how much you are willing to put up with. And for what? The occasional dinner out and enjoyable night? Your nice night wasn't even nice...you guys went to bed without any affection, he wouldn't answer your questions. It's pathetic. Move back home with your parents if you have to. Just GO. Your relationship isn't unique. Dysfunction isn't passion. This is not love!!! 2
FitChick Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 I'm just asking myself why he was happy with her and not me.. Who cares? It won't change anything. All you know is how he treats you and it isn't good except for throwing you a bone® occasionally. You're lucky you can move back home. If he pursues you, date him like you'd date anyone but don't be a doormat and clean his house.
pteromom Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 My bf said last night that I'm basically drifting. I don't have one set place to live. Well... when he constantly says you can "leave if you don't like it", he can't expect you to feel at home at his place. He's made it OBVIOUS it is HIS place and he is LETTING you stay there. Not a very good situation for feeling safe and secure. He did say he is very happy with me. That is VERY easy to say. But what did his actions show? We went to bed last night, no hug, no kiss, doesn't say goodnight etc.. His ACTIONS showed that he is NOT very happy with you. He doesn't want to invest emotionally in you. Quit worrying about analyzing what he's thinking/feeling, and pay attention to what he is showing you.
FitChick Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 To be honest with you, I think its terrible that everyone ultimately blames this 18 year old guy. There are two people in that relationship and you can't tell me that at 14 she is a baby. He's four years older, and I suppose you think therefore he is an adult? I'm not saying this guy is not to blame and I must admit he doesn't exactly sound very decent but from one line can we really judge?? Surely if this girl is not too young to have sex she is not too naive to realise that contraception is a necessary when having sex, especially at such a young age. Sounds to me like a lack of responsibility which will have to change quickly, but on both parts. I think you posted on the wrong thread. Read the first post.
Author vtgirl Posted May 25, 2012 Author Posted May 25, 2012 We went to buy flowers yesterday, I told him I wished he would show me more affection, and he told me that I've been grumpy lately so that's why he's pulled away..I really haven't been grumpy! I'm pretty sure I'm going to leave..supposed to go camping this weekend..will see how that goes..just the more I think about all the **** with his ex, password oh his phone(probably hiding something, right?) When he found out I looked through his phone and found that text..he said that he's not going to have to hear about it again, that if I was going to bring it up again, I could leave. He said his ex looked through his phone all the time, and he doesn't want that type of relationship again.. It still sucks, his phone goes off all the time, and I have no idea who it is.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 We went to buy flowers yesterday, I told him I wished he would show me more affection, and he told me that I've been grumpy lately so that's why he's pulled away..I really haven't been grumpy! I'm pretty sure I'm going to leave..supposed to go camping this weekend..will see how that goes..just the more I think about all the **** with his ex, password oh his phone(probably hiding something, right?) When he found out I looked through his phone and found that text..he said that he's not going to have to hear about it again, that if I was going to bring it up again, I could leave. He said his ex looked through his phone all the time, and he doesn't want that type of relationship again.. It still sucks, his phone goes off all the time, and I have no idea who it is. Are you suppose to go camping with him or other people? If it's with him, I say scrap camping and et out of there. He is blaming you for being grumpy. It's a manipulation. If he can blame you for doing x,y or z, then he doesn't have to hold himself accountable. This is not a good man. Pack your things and go to your Moms.
bean1 Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 Just go back to your parents house. 3 months? Chalk this up as a very good learning experience for yourself, even a bitchy female roommate would treat you better than this. Don't jump into relationships if you are insecure, then you are just clinging at trying to hold things together for the sake of holding it together.
Author vtgirl Posted May 25, 2012 Author Posted May 25, 2012 Supposed to go camping with him and I. Wierd thing is, is that he wants to build me a garden, he wants to build me a pen for my chickens, etc.. why does he supposedly want to do that?
Disenchantedly Yours Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 Supposed to go camping with him and I. Wierd thing is, is that he wants to build me a garden, he wants to build me a pen for my chickens, etc.. why does he supposedly want to do that? Don't go camping. No, "lets see how things go". You've seen how things go. You've seen it for three months now. You know something isn't right here or you wouldn't be posting here. You know he has issues. You know that this relationship is making you nervous and insecure. When things are good in a relationship, they don't cause this much angst. You've read the posts here. You've seen the advice from the large majority of people. No one is telling you to stay with this guy. No one. You need to stop this. You need to stop looking for excuses to stay with someone that clearly doesn't care about you. And he doesn't care about you. He cares about himself. Him building you a pen for chickens for you doesn't change everything else he is doing, has done, has said, is saying, or isn't saying to you. Go back through this thread and look at everything you said about this man and the way he treats you and the way he makes you feel insecure and denies you your own feelings. He is manipulative! The things he does are selfish. He tells you you can leave if you don't like something. That is F*cked up! You are in a F*cked up relationship! How many times do people have to tell you this? each time you come back with, "oh but he does this..or wants to do that." Even if he said he wanted to take you to Rome, that doesn't make up for everything else. GET OUT. GET OUT. LEAVE HIM. 1
Author vtgirl Posted May 25, 2012 Author Posted May 25, 2012 He said yesterday the one thing that he does not like about me is the fact that I ask too many questions(I'm assuming about the relationship)
Pierre Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 Supposed to go camping with him and I. Wierd thing is, is that he wants to build me a garden, he wants to build me a pen for my chickens, etc.. why does he supposedly want to do that? You are looking for ways to justify or rationalize why you take all the crap from this man. You are also looking for ways to convince yourself he is not doing other women. Here is the deal: At some level he likes you, otherwise he would not have sex with you every once in a while. He also likes the maid service. However, that is meaningless, he is not a keeper and you made a HUGE mistake by moving in. That is why I advice ALL women not to live together with these type of men unless it is a long term stable relationship with a date set for the wedding. Otherwise, all you are doing is providing cheap maid services and your vagina for comfort every once in a while. BTW, normal folks in a three month relationship have sex on a daily basis more than once. The fact that he hardly shows interest is astounding. He is either asexual, getting sex elsewhere, of not attracted to you. Whatever the cause this is not good news to you. You need to move out today and go into strict NC. Let this be a teaching point. Never move in with men you hardly know unless you have a ring and a date. Otherwise, you will be used. 3
Disenchantedly Yours Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 He said yesterday the one thing that he does not like about me is the fact that I ask too many questions(I'm assuming about the relationship) Do you think that sounds like a healthy thing to say to someone Vtgirl? 1
kaylan Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 He said yesterday the one thing that he does not like about me is the fact that I ask too many questions(I'm assuming about the relationship) How naive are you girl? Seriously...you are old enough to know when someone is trying to hoodwink you. WISE UP AND DUMP THIS LYING, CHEATING FOOL!
Author vtgirl Posted May 25, 2012 Author Posted May 25, 2012 I know what he's going to say. Oh I built a garden for you and a coop..he's going to tell me I used him. I'm going to feel guilty. He will tell me I'm just like his ex
veggirl Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 I know what he's going to say. Oh I built a garden for you and a coop..he's going to tell me I used him. I'm going to feel guilty. He will tell me I'm just like his ex SO? Here's a way to solve that--DON'T LET HIM BUILD YOU A CHICKEN COOP AND GARDEN. Duh! He hasn't done it yet! Leave before he does! I feel really sad for you. You will probably stay with him. Please don't. Don't ever move in with a guy again so quickly. You truly need to be single, working on the insecurities that got you into this mess to begin with. Your "boyfriend" cheating on you and using you. He is scum. Are you going to leave him? When?
ladyabstrused Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 Your relationship, which was just like mine, seems so dysfunctional on many levels. Why keep being miserable. You're suppose to be happy in a relationship. Not like this. My ex also likes to put the blame on me a lot. Many times before I got on here, I listened like a fool and believed so that it was my fault. Even till now I still feel a bit of that lurking somewhere. It's not healthy. So many posters have said their say. I think we all know what the conclusion is. Problem is, you're not agreeable. What do you want exactly? Out of this relationship? To work things out? Or more people to advise you to exit the situation that will only do you no good?
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