Dating older guy, not sure I understand him..

[vtgirl]

I'm going to try and make this short..

 

I'm 22, he's 32. We've been in a relationship for 3 months now, for the most part everything has been great. A few arguments but nothing major.

 

He got out of a 9 yr relationship about a year ago. He says he's over her. Mail is still sent to the house in her name, which annoys me.

 

We are living together, at his house. That's what he wants. He is very thoughtful, and he wants someone to take care of him(clean the house, make dinner, etc) which is fine, I like doing that kind of stuff, and I know he appreciates it..

 

He used to say stuff like, if the relationship keeps going great like it has been, we could be together forever..now he's not really saying that anymore. He used to say that he's never been this happy in his life. Which I believe him, hes a very honest and blunt person.

The relationship just feels strange lately, not sure if it's because of his job or what..I have to ask him if he loves me, when not too long ago, he used to say it to me without me having to ask..

 

2 nights ago, I was crying and upset over a work situation, and last night I was in a much better mood, and he asked me if I was better, I said yes. He said "good, because I thought I was going to have to ask you to leave". He does joke around like this a lot, so I don't think I should be too worried about it.

 

His job is stressful and long every day, like last night, he usually is happy to see me, now it's just a "hi", kiss, and doesn't even smile, etc..

 

He hates me asking questions all the time, about if he's happy or not..he says if he's not happy he will tell me...

 

But I miss him being happy to see me! He used to cuddle with me at night, and actually want to lay with me on the couch, now it seems like he doesn't want to as much..

 

Any ideas, thoughts?

[january2011]

You could ask him what's changed lately and if everything's okay at work.

 

It could be that it's the stress of work, but it could also be that the honeymoon period is over for him and he's not trying to put his best face on all the time.

 

I wouldn't ask if he was happy or not on a regular basis - that's not really going to give you any useful information.

 

The other thing is to suggest that he sorts out his ex's mail so that it doesn't come to the house anymore.

[vtgirl]

I brought up the ex's mail last week, and all he said was do you want me to text her and tell her to change her address? I didn't say much. It's funny she hasn't, because she's in a new relationship apparently with the love of her life.

 

Everything is in both of their names, bills, houses, cars, etc..I don't know how much I can ask of him, or what I can ask..

 

He works for himself, like yesterday, he said he had a really long day, but he used to still be all over me, and now he doesn't pay much attention to me.

 

He's a great guy..I just like to be in a relationship and know that we are good, everything's going well, and I don't know with him..

[Ninjainpajamas]

He doesn't seem interested in the long term...and again this guy is too old for you, I have no idea why a 22 year old would to end up with a 32 year old man, it's just ridiculous...what do you think you have to offer this guy besides a youthful body?

 

Now he's realizing he rushed things too much, you were definitely a rebound and he wanted to again experience companionship that also is a live in maid. You're doing everything on his watch the way he prefers.

 

Now he's becoming annoyed and irritated by your presence, you're constantly questioning him...he's frustrated because he's tired of validating your insecurities because you can see the distance forming, and you don't seem incredibly insecure but I'm sure he's starting to make you feel that way.

 

Now he's had his fill, actually looking at you in terms of relationship and compatibility and now he's probably wishing you weren't there half of the time. I think you should have a serious conversation and communicate how you feel so for your sake you can feel you given him the opportunity to express himself and tell you how he feels...(however I'm not sure you'll want to hear it If he is completely over this).

 

However this is not a lot of information to go based off of, just enough to have an idea by his actions, history, and lack of communication and expression.

 

You figure out the emotional stability and red flags by someones past. The vulnerable people will want to jump into another relationship way too quickly and develop emotions that over extend themselves because they're just feeling out of vulnerability and a void not necessarily because of how they feel for you because in all honesty he's probably very much affected by his ex and his past, he could not even see you as a person necessarily just a source of pleasure and a cure for loneliness...a compensation effort.

 

His actions dictate there is something wrong...when a man changes behavior on the outside It's usually because of a conflict emotionally internally...lack of emotions, questionable thoughts, lack of investment.

 

His lack of communication then follows by demonstrating how he doesn't wish to talk about things, he'd rather not face the truths and most women are ok with being in the dark and "seeing what happens" this leaves an open door for men to expressing their emotions with their ex or they either push it down deep within side of them however still affecting their overall attitude.

 

You have to understand that for an older guy you're like fish in the barrel...you lack of experience, knowledge and insight leave you to stay in a perplexed state without taking actions because you're not really sure of what you see or understand what is going on..instead you can feel like maybe there is something I did wrong, wrong with me, maybe it's work thats too stressful, you think of all these things that have nothing to do with it. Then you try and find ways to make up for this lack of, by doing things to make him happy only to find he's still unhappy regardless of what you do. You also fail to acknowledge the emotional depth a man feels and complexity of relationship affects on the mind and body, since you are less experienced.

 

And overall you're just easier to manage and deal with, you don't react, you don't make a move when you should....this guy knows the drill over a course of nine years, he's infinitely more experienced than you right now and you're lack of experience really has no comprehension of what that even means or feels like.

 

You've got to take more of an initiative, press this guy for emotions/truth and answers, just don't sit by like a little puppy and accommodate to his ****ty moods every night, he likely will try to avoid it with you. If not then good, but find out the things you need to know, talk about it, and don't be a fool for those generic and middle ground answers (well I just don't know how I feel right now...I'm confused) don't let a man play stupid on you, keep pounding on him until he's completely honest with you...and If you're too afraid to do that then you'll just be left in the dark like most women...It's really moments like this that are going to determine whether you're going to be the kind of woman that engages problems and doesn't back away or one that just rolls over and takes it, which an older men having littler respect because you're younger and less wise can take advantage of.

 

I know you probably think he's a great guy, just overwhelmed with work and stressed and all of that...but this is no excuse for the kind of relationship you are having, so for your sake try to get answers not petty excuses that he's surely dealt with before and is aware of...he's emotions should be a serious concern for you and I hope you're fearless enough to engage him and find out the truth.

[january2011]

Did you say yes? Otherwise, why is the mail still going to his house? Is this something that he wants to carry on doing indefinitely? Is it a means to see her again? Does she still pay any of the household expenses?

 

I think that because he hasn't done anything about the joint names and ownership, it suggests that he isn't over the relationship - he's still holding on in some way. That's bad news for you. It also suggests that you're in a very vulnerable situation where he has a lot of the control - not really an equal partnership where you are both meeting each other's needs.

 

At the three-month milestone, you will slowly see the incompatibilities between the two of you. Some of these can be overcome, but there might be some that cannot and will be dealbreakers.

 

I think that you need to be prepared to walk away from this relationship if he cannot meet your needs and you spend more time being unhappy than happy.

[ascendotum]

Its really too soon for the honeymon phase of the relationship to be over, but maybe that is the case with him (excerbated by work stress & long hrs). You were new & exciting after his 9yr relationship, but maybe he realises now after living with you that you are really not what he is looking for. IDK. Don't let him take you for granted.

 

The best answer you're going to get is from him. I didn't see were you had mentioned to him your concerns that things aren't quite as rosy as they were. You said he hates asking questions...are these about the relationship?

[d'Arthez]

Sorry to be blunt, but moving in after less than 3 months? And if everything is still in both their names, that could also mean that there is a long legal mess ahead of him. Why has not he severed ties with his ex?

 

It sounds like the honeymoon period is over, but I am not sure what either of you is getting out of this relationship.

[vtgirl]

If he's not interested in a long term relationship, why did he tell me many times that I'm absolutely perfect, and he would marry me if our relationship keeps going well??

He hasn't been in a bad mood for weeks on end..just lately. I am starting to feel insecure..he used to say words like "we, us, our", now it's just him.

Why do you think he's wishing I wasn't there half of the time? Something I did wrong?

What kind of questions should I ask him? I have no idea where to start?

When we first got together, if I said something I didn't like, he was SO quick to say "if you don't like it, leave"..I'm afraid he will say that again, it hurts to hear.

 

That's why I'm doing, leaving him notes on the table, etc..and he's not responding. Like I said, I have to ask him if he loves me. I'm not sure what I did wrong.

Before we got into a relationship, I told myself I don't want to get hurt, and not to give too much of myself to him..now I feel like I'm head over heels, and I'm going to get hurt depending on what he says.

Is it too soon to ask him why he's been strange? He will probably say he hasn't been different..I don't feel like I will have the right questions to ask..he's only been a bit different for a couple days.

Edited May 23, 2012 by vtgirl

[Radu]

I'm going to try and make this short..

 

I'm 22, he's 32. We've been in a relationship for 3 months now, for the most part everything has been great. A few arguments but nothing major.

 

He got out of a 9 yr relationship about a year ago. He says he's over her. Mail is still sent to the house in her name, which annoys me.

 

We are living together, at his house. That's what he wants. He is very thoughtful, and he wants someone to take care of him(clean the house, make dinner, etc) which is fine, I like doing that kind of stuff, and I know he appreciates it..

 

He used to say stuff like, if the relationship keeps going great like it has been, we could be together forever..now he's not really saying that anymore. He used to say that he's never been this happy in his life. Which I believe him, hes a very honest and blunt person.

The relationship just feels strange lately, not sure if it's because of his job or what..I have to ask him if he loves me, when not too long ago, he used to say it to me without me having to ask..

 

2 nights ago, I was crying and upset over a work situation, and last night I was in a much better mood, and he asked me if I was better, I said yes. He said "good, because I thought I was going to have to ask you to leave". He does joke around like this a lot, so I don't think I should be too worried about it.

 

His job is stressful and long every day, like last night, he usually is happy to see me, now it's just a "hi", kiss, and doesn't even smile, etc..

 

He hates me asking questions all the time, about if he's happy or not..he says if he's not happy he will tell me...

 

But I miss him being happy to see me! He used to cuddle with me at night, and actually want to lay with me on the couch, now it seems like he doesn't want to as much..

 

Any ideas, thoughts?

 

- he got out of a 9yr old relationship 1yr ago

- you dated for 3months

- you already moved in with him

- you took up wife duties and are upset at her lingering presence [the newsletters]

- he stopped paying attention to you, feels like it's a routine

- he starts making the kind of jokes that spouses say to one another, who are clearly jokes to them [not to you, i bet it bothered you a bit]

 

Isn't it obvious ?

He wants a new wife, to replace the old wife and he is easing you in the same routine he had with her.

I bet that if you look into their relationship you will notice that she left him because she felt taken for granted / roommates.

 

I think you moved in too early with him, never heard of honeymoon phase ?

I also think he's not over her, judging by his response to removing her presence.

[vtgirl]

Thing is, she never did the things I do. Cook, clean, give him affection, etc.

 

Radu, what do you think I should do now?

He says he's never been happier..I don't know what to think. I'm not sure the questions I should ask him! I don't want to drive him away.

He doesn't treat me terribly..just feels different the past few days..

[Radu]

You are 22, it's not the end of the world.

 

You know what you can and should do, it's your choice. The person in this thread that knows your situation best is you.

The only thing we can do is to put things into focus and come up with suggestions.

 

What i would advise you do [since you live in his house] is to plan an exit strategy.

Like, if you decide to leave, where will you sleep, keep track of your things, don't bring too much over ... etc.

This also includes demistifying him. Start to see the bad sides, start to tell yourself 'nobody is perfect' ... etc.

Do you have a job ?

 

In the end, if you have this, you can get over the potential heartbreak faster, and will have a gameplan.

This also has the advantage of appearing less needy [you seem a bit], which if used properly can make someone ... hot.

[vtgirl]

I know it's not the end of the world, but it still hurts.

 

I have a place to go to, so it's not like I will have no where to go. I do have a full time job.

 

Should I ask him any questions to see if he wants to end the relationship?

[Disenchantedly Yours]

vtgirl

If he's not interested in a long term relationship, why did he tell me many times that I'm absolutely perfect, and he would marry me if our relationship keeps going well??

 

Men that were quick to be over zealous in their compliments of you without getting to really know you are rarely as sincere as they orginally sound. Compliments like those need to be earned, not given freely. And this is something a lot of younger women don't understand Vtgirl. Which is why this puts you at a disadvantage vs someone who is 32. You are not his equal. You are his subordinate and that's in reality how he is treating you.

 

He said these things in the moment. It doesn't mean he really means it. He might have had a quick fleeting feeling of this when he first met you. But a mature man would have held back on saying that to you and gotten to know you before making promises he couldn't possibly keep up with. Notice the contingency he placed it under, "as long as things keep going well". It's not even really the romantic compliment you think it is. Mature men wait. Mature men do not let every little whim and fleeting emotion they have be projected on their their gfs. And the start of relationships are always full of fleeting whims and emotions because you don't really know that person yet.

 

You really need to be careful around men that are quick to jump into things and give you compliments that shouldn't be given until they have been truly earned. Being as young as you are, when a man says such things to you, you will naturally glow with how good it makes you feel. However, in real relationships, and with healthy people, they wait to discover who someone is before they talk about how perfect they are and how they want to marry each other. And they don't use emotional manipulation to get someone to perform like they want. Which actually sounds more like what this guy did more then he was being sincere. When he tells you within 3 months your perfect and marriage is on the table but then tells you you can leave if you don't like something, this is an emotionally manipulative unstable man. He is worried about himself first. Not you. You don't tell someone they can leave if they don't like something in a mature relationship.

 

I am also baffled. You both work but you cook and clean for him? You live with him and you only met him 3 months ago? This is all too much too soon. You NEVER live with a guy you've been seeing for 3 months. And you don't regulary cook and clean for a man you aren't in a substantial progressive relationship with. You are not his wife. You should not be playing house this early. And you are too insecure and do not know yourself well enough at this age to be in this kind of relationship with an older man.

 

I suggest you stop seeking validation through him and do some personal work on yourself so that you can feel confident in yourself with out a man. I suggest you break up with this man because he really doesn't sound all that sincere or emotionally healthy. And I suggest you stop jumping into things because of your insecurities and your need to feel loved over being in a healthy relationship. PLEASE leave this man. He is not a good guy. And please read Ninjainpajamas' post again. He really had great advice.

 

You shouldn't have to beg someone to tell them they love you. And you shouldn't be in a relationship where the person makes you feel that you are the one always doing something wrong. You are not in a healthy relationship.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Look, this is probably information that's going to bounce off your head like some of things I said in my other post but maybe you'll find this information more useful later on rather than now. Right now unfortunately you're in the typical phase of thinking you're so in love with this guy even though you're really not, so you're expecting peanuts from this guy and just thinking it will get better and change and it's a phase and all that. You don't want to understand, face or feel like he's lost emotions for him because you'd rather turn into a doormat than face the truth and be honest and self-respecting to yourself.

 

And because he is an older guy he knows you're young in love and will be at his beck and call and won't even know how to save yourself...It's quite sad and I'd honestly I'd break this guy down so fast he wouldn't even have to think If i were in his face...I can't stand these types of older guys, they're so weak...and you're too young to even know it or see it, you're a puppy.

 

If he's not interested in a long term relationship, why did he tell me many times that I'm absolutely perfect, and he would marry me if our relationship keeps going well??

 

Because he was sprung on you, he thinks you're his perfect little puppy that does everything he wants or need and you've got a nice fresh body that he can play with whenever he feels like an ego boost.

 

He hasn't been in a bad mood for weeks on end..just lately. I am starting to feel insecure..he used to say words like "we, us, our", now it's just him.

 

Because he overestimated the emotions...this is classic of someone who's come out of a long-term relationship, their vulnerable, weak, looking for companionship to give them what they lost.

 

Why do you think he's wishing I wasn't there half of the time? Something I did wrong?

 

Because now he's having to see you as a human being and judge you as a person and decide the compatibility instead of just high as a kite like most people are in the first 3 mons of a relationship!

 

You did not do anything wrong, you did not do anything wrong, you did not do anything wrong...x100, you do not affect how men feel, and you can't change that. It's a matter of emotions not what you did.

 

What kind of questions should I ask him? I have no idea where to start?

 

Tell him you'd like to talk when he isn't tired or is rested. On one of his days off. Sit on the couch or on the back porch without any distractions like the tv or the damn leaf blower guys and just tell him this is important...you want to talk about your relationship, not to get upset or frustrated, you just need to know how he feels and where you are coming from...and then tell him how you feel and face him and preferably look him in the eye during it...and express yourself, don't be a chicken.

When we first got together, if I said something I didn't like, he was SO quick to say "if you don't like it, leave"..I'm afraid he will say that again, it hurts to hear.

 

When you first got together...welcome to being a typical woman in a relationship, please take number 10982435252542513489587668768686 and wait for your number to be called so that you base your whole relationship on that short initial good experience and base all your hopes and dreams on it like If this was actually the real man.

 

The real man is now, not that guy in the beginning...that was him being someone and actually trying, now that you're comfortably in his pocket this is the REAL man...do you get that?

 

Of course it hurts to hear, rather to know the truth than live a lie. However I see plenty of women ok with the lie as long as it doesn't have to end, so that might be you too.

 

That's why I'm doing, leaving him notes on the table, etc..and he's not responding. Like I said, I have to ask him if he loves me. I'm not sure what I did wrong.

 

You did nothing wrong, that's insecurity...what could you have possibly done wrong? think about it for 100 days and you still won't have an answer...because there isn't one.

Before we got into a relationship, I told myself I don't want to get hurt, and not to give too much of myself to him..now I feel like I'm head over heels, and I'm going to get hurt depending on what he says.

 

Hurt and pain is a part of life, I'm sorry but best you get used to it. The sooner you can get it over with though the sooner you can get on with your life and move past it...instead of avoid it and then ask all these other stupid irrelevant questions to random people and friends because you're too afraid to find out the real truth....don't be naive, try to be smart about...it takes action not hope not to get hurt, you made the mistake of jumping into it with this guy too quickly and now this will serve as an experience to you for the rest of your life.

 

Is it too soon to ask him why he's been strange? He will probably say he hasn't been different..I don't feel like I will have the right questions to ask..he's only been a bit different for a couple days.

It's not too soon, in fact communication is important regardless in a relationship. of course he will say he hasn't been any different and likely to outright deny it...so refresh his memory and give him examples of how everything has changed...not that he doesn't realize it, but it's harder to deny that way...yet I'm sure he will get defensive anyway.

 

If it's a couple of days now, then what happens when it turns into weeks or months? look, instead of getting paranoid, do one of two things..

 

- give him a lot of space letting him think things through and hoping it will go away (can you tell im thrilled about this option?)

 

- Communicate with him about it, since this is pretty strange and abrupt behavior...you need to be able to talk about your relationship..in a relationship, period...to avoid problems.

[Stellar Wench]

My thoughts are that it is unwise to be sharing a domicile with someone you've only known for 3 months. You should be dating at this point, not playing house.

[wow04]

I know it's not the end of the world, but it still hurts.

 

I have a place to go to, so it's not like I will have no where to go. I do have a full time job.

 

Should I ask him any questions to see if he wants to end the relationship?

 

 

You need to tell him how you are feeling. You should never have to ask a guy if they love you

[Radu]

Ninja's last post is amazing, listen to it.

 

PS: Though i personally don't agree with him or DY about every guy with 10yrs on their partner being manipulative a control freak ... i just plain don't believe it.

Especially since i know many in their early 30's who are not capable of something like this because they are not astute enough.

[Stellar Wench]

I know it's not the end of the world, but it still hurts.

 

I have a place to go to, so it's not like I will have no where to go. I do have a full time job.

 

Should I ask him any questions to see if he wants to end the relationship?

No, you should tell him that you'd like to live separately and date properly. Then see where the R goes from there.

 

I don't agree that you need to have a heart-to-heart talk with him. You've already asked the questions and received evasive answers. You are the one who needs to make a choice. Tell him you are moving out, and you'd like him to call you for dates and treat you like you should be treated.

[ascendotum]

He hasn't been in a bad mood for weeks on end..just lately.

 

That's why I'm doing, leaving him notes on the table, etc..and he's not responding. Like I said, I have to ask him if he loves me. I'm not sure what I did wrong.

 

..he's only been a bit different for a couple days.

 

OP I just pasted a few of your comments above which stood out for me. Reading your comments, it really sounds like you are jumping the gun here. If he has only been aloof a couple or days or even a week, it could easily be a short term thing, that is work related or maybe he is going thru a temporary despondant phase over his prior relationship breakdown. Its too early to call it as out as a permanent shift in his feelings for you or that you are the cause of it. The fact that he's got you in his house cooking, shopping & cleaning for him and has told you there's the door if you don't like something, and its just early days in the relationship, is more of a redflag than his recent mood.

 

Also, do you leave notes with questions, because you don't want to discuss any issues with him directly?

[vtgirl]

OP I just pasted a few of your comments above which stood out for me. Reading your comments, it really sounds like you are jumping the gun here. If he has only been aloof a couple or days or even a week, it could easily be a short term thing, that is work related or maybe he is going thru a temporary despondant phase over his prior relationship breakdown. Its too early to call it as out as a permanent shift in his feelings for you or that you are the cause of it. The fact that he's got you in his house cooking, shopping & cleaning for him and has told you there's the door if you don't like something, and its just early days in the relationship, is more of a redflag than his recent mood.

 

Also, do you leave notes with questions, because you don't want to discuss any issues with him directly?

 

 

No, I leave notes that say have a good day, love you.

[vtgirl]

NinjaInPajamas..

 

Thanks for your advice, I will continue to re-read it.

 

What do you think his motives are with me? Just someone to have sex with? I guess I thought that at 32 he would be mature. In some says he is, has his own business, etc.

 

In the beginning, he was so great to me..not saying that he isn't now..I will continue to read all the advice given to me..

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Ninja's last post is amazing, listen to it.

 

PS: Though i personally don't agree with him or DY about every guy with 10yrs on their partner being manipulative a control freak ... i just plain don't believe it.

Especially since i know many in their early 30's who are not capable of something like this because they are not astute enough.

 

Where did I say every guy with 10 yrs experience on their partner is a manipulative control freak?

 

The reality is someone with 10 years experience on someone else will BE in a different position then the other person. And in this case, the guy is manipulative. However, I didn't say all older people where. I just said that 10 years experience does give someone a leg up.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

NinjaInPajamas..

 

Thanks for your advice, I will continue to re-read it.

 

What do you think his motives are with me? Just someone to have sex with? I guess I thought that at 32 he would be mature. In some says he is, has his own business, etc.

 

In the beginning, he was so great to me..not saying that he isn't now..I will continue to read all the advice given to me..

 

Relationship/emotional maturity are different things from work maturity. People can be very successful business wise and not be very mature in their own personal relatoinships. Sometimes people can be very mature in their personal relationships and not very good with business. There are lots of different ways people can be mature, or not mature. Age is not always a good predictor of someone's maturity either. Especially when it comes to older men that specifically date younger women.

[vtgirl]

His last gf was his age.

[stillafool]

What's with all the young women going for the old guys lately? Are there no young men left to date? Anywho, OP this guys seems to be on the rebound from his ex. 9 years is a long time to be together and one doesn't get over a relationship like that overnight. I think he thought by getting a younger woman it raised his self esteem and he was happy for a while until reality set in - that he is still not over his ex. I hope you don't waste your time begging for his love and move on and live out your youth in a way that you won't regret in 10 years when it is gone. Good luck to you.