FitChick Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 Who dumped who? If the ex dumped him, perhaps he is still not over her. That coupled with them still being legally entangled with car and house ownership only complicates things. Do you know her address? Go to the PO and fill out a change of address card for her. One problem solved! 1
dasein Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 Agree with radu in this thread, and feel others are going overboard in their negative assessments of this guy. He is a little inconsiderate when tired from work, not a monster. You moved in too fast and probably both of you moved too fast overall. In your shoes, I'd move out of his house, get your own place, and if there's potential to start dating normally, it will become apparent to both of you. I see nothing in your concerns that necessarily have anything to do with the age gap in and of itself.
Pierre Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 (edited) I'm going to try and make this short.. I'm 22, he's 32. We've been in a relationship for 3 months now, for the most part everything has been great. A few arguments but nothing major. He got out of a 9 yr relationship about a year ago. He says he's over her. Mail is still sent to the house in her name, which annoys me. We are living together, at his house. That's what he wants. He is very thoughtful, and he wants someone to take care of him(clean the house, make dinner, etc) which is fine, I like doing that kind of stuff, and I know he appreciates it.. He used to say stuff like, if the relationship keeps going great like it has been, we could be together forever..now he's not really saying that anymore. He used to say that he's never been this happy in his life. Which I believe him, hes a very honest and blunt person. The relationship just feels strange lately, not sure if it's because of his job or what..I have to ask him if he loves me, when not too long ago, he used to say it to me without me having to ask.. 2 nights ago, I was crying and upset over a work situation, and last night I was in a much better mood, and he asked me if I was better, I said yes. He said "good, because I thought I was going to have to ask you to leave". He does joke around like this a lot, so I don't think I should be too worried about it. His job is stressful and long every day, like last night, he usually is happy to see me, now it's just a "hi", kiss, and doesn't even smile, etc.. He hates me asking questions all the time, about if he's happy or not..he says if he's not happy he will tell me... But I miss him being happy to see me! He used to cuddle with me at night, and actually want to lay with me on the couch, now it seems like he doesn't want to as much.. Any ideas, thoughts? Living together with an older man (who is in rebound) within a three month relationship. I think that was a huge mistake. :eek: You are the rebound piece of meat-------nothing else. He would like you out of there ASAP. I believe you should go. Edited May 23, 2012 by Pierre
darkmoon Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 he sounds obnoxious, 32 might seem old to OP, but to me, he's a younger man, just move out and date him and others, considering he's a bit lacking in respect it pains me to see young girls who are radiant and sweet bust a gut over a jerk, when, well, i might get contradicted, but the world is a girl's oyster, that bloom of youth/radiance opens many doors why be an unpaid housekeeper? xx 3
kaylan Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 Only 3 months and your living with some dude 10 years older than you who was previously in a 9 year relationship? Even though it ended a year ago, I dont feel one year is truly enough to get over a 9 year relationship. Plus with the way you guys rushed things and how things are going right now Id have to agree with ninja and say you seem to be a funtime rebound for him. I dont think hed be acting this way with a woman his age whos lived life already and whos someone he can more relate to. Good luck, but I think you need to slow thinds down with this guy. Move out, dont be his maid, and actually try and be his indepedent girlfriend for some time before doing that other stuff. 2
make me believe Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 You keep saying "in the beginning" this and "in the beginning" that.... you've known the guy for 3 months! 90 days! This IS the beginning. And he's already showing you his true colors. He said all that BS about wanting to marry you (which I agree with DY, it wasn't even a very nice compliment with the way he basically said "if you behave" at the end of it. Come on.) because he knew you would eat it up and he could use sweet talk to get whatever he wants from you. That's it. And why did you move in with him after less than three months??! Are you kidding me? You barely even know the guy and you're already trying to play house with him and pretend like you're his wife and you guys have this big commitment? Give me a break! Basically you are the rebound girl, he wants somebody to fullfill some of his needs that his ex did, and he knows that since you're young and naive you'll do it with a smile on your face as long as he throws you a few breadcrumbs now and then. I know you claim that his ex never cleaned, cooked, or gave him affection, but that begs the question of why he would stay with her for 9 YEARS then. I'm sure he tells you how awful she was and blah blah, but really just think rationally about it for a minute. They were not married, didn't have kids.... he wouldn't have stayed with her for 9 years if she didn't fullfill his wants & needs. Anyway this guy has you exactly where he wants you. You've become desperate for any sign of affection or love from him (after only 3 months!!!!), and you're insecure and thinking that you're the problem and you did something wrong. Well, you did do a lot of wrong things (moving in so quickly, saying ILY so fast, trying to play wifey right away, etc), but the real issue here is just that he doesn't have the same feelings for you that you have for him. 3
Author vtgirl Posted May 23, 2012 Author Posted May 23, 2012 I appreciate all the feedback. He's always told me that if he wasn't happy with me he would tell me. He says he doesn't want to be unhappy in life. I'm not trying to be naive! I do agree we jumped the gun too fast about moving in together, but he says that's the kind of relationship he wants, the kind where he sees his girlfriend every day. I don't have the ex's new address, so I can't change it. I guess I'm just assuming if he wanted me to leave and move out he would tell me. It seems like everything is in their name together, every vehicle he owns, he's still paying for her vehicle, both houses, insurance, animals, etc.
darkmoon Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 so you're scrubbing floors that you do not own? not happy, me, you have no legal leg to stand on, and so for some the situation is too shaky to be taken seriously, he should be ok/only too happy to sort out that woman's mail, would only take half an hour, he might have a good exterior but, inside, well, he is not doing the right thing/s by you, not great, your situation 2
wordrock Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 (edited) I do agree we jumped the gun too fast about moving in together, but he says that's the kind of relationship he wants, the kind where he sees his girlfriend every day. You keep talking about what he wants and how he feels. What do you want? How do you feel? Does he ever ask you this? Or does he only ask you what's for dinner and whether you cleaned the house? I have a close female friend who was in a 6 year long relationship with someone she was completely devoted to... always worried about what he wanted. Moved across the country to be with him... He was constantly cheating on her and didn't give a damn about her. It was always about what he wanted. Eventually it got to the point where he told her straight out that he would never be faithful to her. She didn't want that of course, but he didn't care! He had always gotten what HE wanted. Meanwhile, both of her parents were suffering through cancer. He didn't care, it was all about him. She finally very wisely moved out. And then she realized all of her friends were actually his friends. She was living in a strange city with no family or friends. They've been broken up for nearly a year now and she's still a mess... Despite wanting to move back home, she hasn't been able to hold down a steady job because she's so depressed and lonely. Stop trying to live for someone else. Live for yourself. Don't spend six years with the wrong person to learn this. You will not get over it in a flash. As for my friend's ex... he was already sleeping with other women. Now he's moving back home with the girl he was with six years before her! Edited May 23, 2012 by wordrock 1
Author vtgirl Posted May 23, 2012 Author Posted May 23, 2012 (edited) I guess I'm very torn. He's always told me if he wasnt happy with me he would tell me, and if he didn't want me to live with him, he would tell me. He hasn't. I'm just wondering now, if he truly wants to be with me or not. Some days he's sweet as pie, others we will be sitting on the couch, and I have to ask him to cuddle with me, or even look at me. If he was the same every day, not wanting much to do with me it would be so easy to walk away. About a month ago, I had a strange feeling about him, so I checked his phone, and there was another girl he was texting back and fourth, she gave him some pics of her boobs, he was texting her back the whole day. he had sex with her a few times before we started seeing each other, said she was "trashy hot" but could never be in a relationshpi with her..he said he would stop, but if I was going to bring that situation up every day and make him feel guilty, I could leave. He now has a password on his phone. Edited May 23, 2012 by vtgirl
d'Arthez Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 The more you discuss him, the more difficult it becomes to dismiss the idea that you are a "live-in-maid" who also provides sexual services when it is convenient for him. I'd really suggest getting out. 2
bean1 Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 I agree you have become a replacement 'wife'. We had the same age differences and moved in after 3 months too (so no judgment, we're together still with 2 kids much later) but my husband also made every effort to still court me as if we were 'just dating', iykwim? Oh just saw your post about him getting texts from other girls... you're doing his laundry and he's still seeing sleeping with other women. Get out now. You are being used. Some 32 year old men will look at a 22 year old woman as a youthful, fertile wife option. There's nothing wrong with that. Some 32 year old men will look at 22 year olds as naive and willing to do housework/play house while they screw around. Your man is #2. Run. 1
bean1 Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 Of course he's happy dear, he's got his cake and eating it too. Live-in sex, live-in housework, and a girl that puts up with him obviously cheating. 6
LexiB Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 he's still paying for her vehicle[/b], both houses, insurance, animals, etc. Umm, what?? This whole paragraph is just disturbing. What reason has he given you for not cutting the ties already?
surferchic Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 (edited) I havent read the most recent posts yet,but similar to what one of the previous posters mentioned it really would be a shame to allow this man or ANY man for that matter, to still your sunshine. Don't allow his questionable behavior cause you to question yourself. Us I think you made a mistake by moving in with a man you've only been dating for 3 months...not a good decision. However, now's the time to redirect your focus. Focus on you andbletting this man be secondary. He'll figure it out without you having to say much at all. I don't think he's a monster per se simply because I don't know the nuances of the relationship. Sometimes when in relationship a person can have so much hurt going on that the pain acts like a spunge, soaking up all the other person's sunshine and steeling your joy. Though it may be unintentional, why give up your joy when everyone has a right to be joyous. Your boyfriend is not over his ex...period. 9 years...9 years...9 years. OP, I can feel your pain and disappointment in your words and phrasing. You SHOULD NOT get use to being disappointed. Love yourself and realize that YOU are the only individual who can teach others how to treat you. Edited May 23, 2012 by surferchic 2
crazylove Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 I guess I'm very torn. He's always told me if he wasnt happy with me he would tell me, and if he didn't want me to live with him, he would tell me. He hasn't. I'm just wondering now, if he truly wants to be with me or not. Some days he's sweet as pie, others we will be sitting on the couch, and I have to ask him to cuddle with me, or even look at me. If he was the same every day, not wanting much to do with me it would be so easy to walk away. About a month ago, I had a strange feeling about him, so I checked his phone, and there was another girl he was texting back and fourth, she gave him some pics of her boobs, he was texting her back the whole day. he had sex with her a few times before we started seeing each other, said she was "trashy hot" but could never be in a relationshpi with her..he said he would stop, but if I was going to bring that situation up every day and make him feel guilty, I could leave. He now has a password on his phone. He's sleeping with her for sure. Or is about to. Probably hasn't stopped since you've been seeing him. Really sorry for you, but this is what is meant when people mention about age differences, and there being a massive split between early 20's and 30's. You probably need out of there ASAP, and try and do it on your own terms, to at least reserve a bit of dignity. Good luck. 1
carhill Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 Any ideas, thoughts? Lack of emotional synergy from his side. 1
wordrock Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 (edited) I guess I'm very torn. He's always told me if he wasnt happy with me he would tell me, and if he didn't want me to live with him, he would tell me. He hasn't. I'm just wondering now, if he truly wants to be with me or not. Some days he's sweet as pie, others we will be sitting on the couch, and I have to ask him to cuddle with me, or even look at me. I know you want to try to make it work out somehow, but you can't change people. No matter how much you love him, he's not going to change how he acts. You've not known each other very long and he's already acting like that and giving you doubts. How do you think it will be in a year or a few months? That whole deal with the girl sending pics of her breasts to him should spell it out for you. The childish "then you can leave" threats spell it out. That is emotionally abusive. He's treating you like you're nothing and when you speak up, he responds with threats. He doesn't care about you. Take this from a man's perspective. He's using you. Plan to move out and don't even tell him because he'll either blow up on you, or act like a baby, lie, and try to convince you to stay... he'll even make you end up feeling like you're the one who did something wrong. Just start making plans now and when he's not going to be home, get all your stuff out and out of there. Or you can drag it out for weeks or months as he treats you like a dog begging for scraps. "Oh look how happy she gets when I pat her head!" Eventually all this warmth you feel for him will pass and you will become angry... then when you finally have enough he'll tell everybody you went 'crazy' etc... that's the hard way. Take everyone's advice and leave now. Don't give yourself up for someone who isn't worth it and become jaded and bitter like so many. Edited May 24, 2012 by wordrock 2
mesmerized Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 A man who is so quick in saying "if you don't like it then leave" is probably not that into you in the first place. This is a big red flag you ignored. I agree with the posters who said he is tired of your presence and is not really ready for a relationship. You were a rebound honey, sorry. You also seem to be clingy (asking him if he loves you?!) which doesn't help your cause. If the situation continues as it is, I'd just move on. 1
Author vtgirl Posted May 24, 2012 Author Posted May 24, 2012 (edited) Thanks everyone for all the advice. He took me out to dinner last night..Everything was fine.. I asked a few questions...Do you enjoy living with me? He didn't respond..kept trying to get out of the answer, and he did. I asked him why he wasn't answering, and he didn't say anything. I told him that I know what he's doing, just trying to get out of the question. He obviously did NOT want to talk about our relationship. My mom lives about 20 min away, and occasionally I go and spend the night with her. My bf said last night that I'm basically drifting. I don't have one set place to live. So obviously that means he doesn't really want to live with me? He did say he is very happy with me. We went to bed last night, no hug, no kiss, doesn't say goodnight etc..I'm a bit stressed out, didn't sleep good last night. I hate constantly wondering how he feels. I really don't think he's sleeping with his ex..I heard she's madly in love with a new guy. They broke up on somewhat bad terms. It's hard, I look at him and I have all these emotions, guess I thought when I met him that he was different, mature, etc... Edited May 24, 2012 by vtgirl
wow04 Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 Do you really want to be with a man that won't discuss stuff with you? You have had many people reply with what do YOU want and you haven't answered. Why are you making it all about him? Love yourself enough to see you are being used.
Author vtgirl Posted May 24, 2012 Author Posted May 24, 2012 In the beginning he made me totally happy! He did sweet things, made me feel great. I'm not super unhappy with him..he still does nice things here and there, but doesn't treat me the same way like he used to. I want someone who wants to be with me, and is happy with me! I don't want to constantly have to wonder how they feel about me. In the beginning of our relationship I didn't wonder, because he always told me how he felt.
kaylan Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 Dude just break up with him and move out already. Jeez...he cant be trusted and hes not honest with you. Find better. Your relationship is going to fail sooner or later. Stop stalling. Im being honest with you. Why put up with this crap? 1
Author vtgirl Posted May 24, 2012 Author Posted May 24, 2012 This probably sounds stupid..but I feel like **** bc I'm comparing myself to his ex..who no offense, he said was fat, lazy, ugly.. I'm just asking myself why he was happy with her and not me..
d'Arthez Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 This probably sounds stupid..but I feel like **** bc I'm comparing myself to his ex..who no offense, he said was fat, lazy, ugly.. I'm just asking myself why he was happy with her and not me.. He said she was fat lazy and ugly. But she still managed to last 9 years. And what he says is not necessarily true. Have you ever met and interacted with his ex? Painting the picture of an evil ex, may make him come across as a good guy. To be honest I have not seen too many good things about him mentioned in this thread by you.
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