ash11ae Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 This is going to be a bit lengthy, so please bare with me. I am 24 years old. I did not date anyone (with the exception of casual dinners & kisses) until I was 19 years old. Then I dated a man I worked with. I gave him my virginity. We were together for nearly two years, by each other's side constantly (working together and spending time outside of work). We were going to move in together, and when I was 21 years old, he passed away unexpectedly. It felt as though I died with him - the only person I had ever loved, who had ever loved me, understood me. He was my everything. I did not date anyone again until almost two years later. I had started talking to a man online through a mutual friend. He was overseas and was struggling with an unhappy marriage and the previous loss of a child. He immediately started expressing feelings for me, and I felt things for him, but realized how wrong it was and cut all ties. Several months later, I heard from my friend he was getting a divorce. I wrote him expressing sympathy and wanting to be friends, and we started talking again. He lived several hours away but he came to meet me finally and we connected immediately. We jumped into bed together and continued dating after that. I really felt love for this person. I felt like everything was finally going to be OK, and like I was with someone who understood my broken heart and could help me find happiness again, and I could help him, too. We had a lot of good times together, but it was hard because we lived so far apart. He started traveling again and expressing interest in moving around. I had a life to re-establish. He got involved in a feud between myself and my best friend at the time. Everything came crumbling down and I broke up with him. We continued talking for months, and stayed friends, though we fought constantly, but we always said "I love you" to each other, talked about being together, had sexual conversations, etc. Though he really hurt me sometimes, I could not bare to let him go. About 6 months after we broke up, he came to tell me he was moving 3,500 miles away. We spent the evening and the morning together (but did not have sex) and it was like it always had been. We kissed and cuddled, and he cried at the thought of never seeing me again, but I knew he had to leave for his own good. He was miserable where he was. I wanted him to be happy. He said he wished I had asked him not to leave, but I felt that would have been selfish. Two days after he said goodbye to me, his ex-girlfriend called him. They had not talked in 13 years. She lived where he was moving back to, and a week later, they met up again. After he moved, he continued expressing his love for me, and asking me to move and live with him. I thought about it, but was scared. I needed security. This was in January. We have been talking ever since, he even told me that we would work on our relationship long-distance and arrange for me to visit before I ultimately moved. He said he wanted to be mine and wanted me to be his, that we were meant to be together. He spent time with his ex-girlfriend, but insisted nothing was going on. Slowly the truth came out - he had feelings; they had kissed; they were exploring the possibility of dating. Then I discovered he was lying to me and that they had been dating all along. For five months he led me on, all the while dating someone else. He would even tell me he was in the mountains with no reception on his phone while meanwhile he was at a cabin with her and introducing her to his family. The very worst was when I came onto this forum yesterday and saw him writing about how much he loves her, and asking for advice on how to move their relationship forward after they had made love. It has left me feeling nauseous. Especially considering I found this the day after I received a card from him which said, "I can't change the way things are between us right now, but soon we will have time to just be together. I love you and I promise things won't always be so complicated." He wrote that he always loved me and that things would get easier. How could he send me that card and lead me on for months, telling me he loved me, asking me to marry him, live with him, etc? I tried to cut ties or say we would just be friends because he admitted to being in love with this other woman, but he'd always insist he loved me, and if I hung out with another man, he would suddenly bombard me with text messages and show interest again. I suffered a terrible loss that made it almost impossible for me to love again. It was extremely hard to let someone into my heart, and to have physical intimacy with them again. It has been one year this week for me, since I was with another person. And in the meantime, he has been giving his love to another woman. If he died, she would be his last, but if I died, he would be my last. This leaves me feeling incredibly abandoned in the world, like I have no ties to anyone. Like I do not matter. Like I am unloved and unwanted, just a pawn that he used when his real girlfriend did not pay enough attention to him. Tonight I blocked his phone number. I kept trying to say goodbye to him, but he kept telling me he loved me, was in love with this other woman but also in love with me, etc. Said to sleep on it and we would talk tomorrow. He is leading me on, again and again. I have to break free. I hurt so badly. Part of me wants to call this woman and tell her what he has been doing, but I know that is the wrong thing to do, and would only hurt three people, not help anyone. So I suffer alone. I have only ever loved two men, and the first left me when he died, and the second left me and lied to me for another woman. I am heartbroken. I want so badly to have a relationship with someone again, but I am scared it will never happen, and afraid of trusting anyone again. What do I do?
motive2002 Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 Wow that is some story. I would say cut the guy off completely. This whole two-timing, push pull, have his cake and eat it too business is selfish, cowardly and any number of adjectives that have yet come to mind. You really caught him on this forum? I was wondering when something like that would happen. The proper word here is simply: Betrayal. I know you have strong feelings for him, but it's time to leave him in the dust. I know it's cliche but you can do so much better. If I had found out I was playing second fiddle to someone else for that length of time it wouldn't be hard for me to walk away permanently. What do you do? How about get mad? That would be first on my list. I know harboring resentment is bad for the soul blah blah etc, but I think there's some good to being mad for a while. See the creep for who he really is. Let the loathing seethe and allow yourself to feel some contempt to get your heart some distance from it. Maybe date some other men casually. Don't get attached too quickly, and especially to someone so unavailable. Long distance relationships suck anyway, so avoid that route in the future (my opinion) You will find love again. Gosh you're only 24. Your whole life ahead of you, who knows what's coming down the pike? Don't be afraid to love or trust, but don't let certain red flags go by unnoticed either. We all get to learn through the school of hard knocks on this stuff. I'm really sorry to hear about your first love.
Author ash11ae Posted May 22, 2012 Author Posted May 22, 2012 Yes, I caught him on this forum, admitting to "making love" to her and professing his love for her - a love that apparently doesn't mean much if he could spend the last five months begging me to sleep with him, move in with him, marry him, etc. When I confronted him about it, he tried to accuse me of lying about seeing it! I had to coax him like a child into admitting that he wrote it. And even then, he said that when he slept with her, he had a hard time getting it up, it wasn't good, they were drunk, they stopped mid-way because they thought it was wrong, they weren't ready, it was just an experiment, etc. Which I know better than to believe. He's still trying to keep me hanging on. It at least made me feel better to see everyone telling him what I felt too - that this girl doesn't really want a relationship with him. He'll realize that on his own though. And then I'll be gone. I am angry, and I know I can do better. Today I wanted to call him and scream at him and tell him what a piece of **** I think he is for doing this to someone who cared about him. I don't want to be that cruel because I have this stupid thing about "last words." If someone were to die, or if I were to die, I wouldn't want my last words to them to be mean ones. I do love him, and you can't just flip a switch and stop loving someone, but at least I realize the person I love is just an illusion, not a real person who will ever love me back the way I deserve. Thank you for your words of encouragement. I had such terrible luck with guys before my first love, and then to lose him the way I did was devastating. It was a huge step that I was able to give myself to this second guy so easily, and know in my heart that what I was feeling was real, not just desperation. This guy always said that if I could love him half as much as I love my late boyfriend, he would be very lucky. On the plus side, I guess that dating this guy has helped me not to dwell on the death of my boyfriend so much. I've kind of accepted that he's gone, and started to hope for the future. Though I am worried that will change now that things are over between us. I'd almost rather think about my late boyfriend, who loved me, than about this guy, who doesn't. I didn't think I'd ever love again after my first boyfriend, and I did. So I guess that shows me that I can love again after this one too, right? I'm back on a dating website and trying to go out more and explore things. Tomorrow night I'm going to a hockey game. I am planning to take a road trip to visit my best friend in the next few weeks, and I'm thinking of letting her take me out dancing and letting my guard down for a night. There is another guy I connected with that I am very attracted to, who stopped talking to me because I guess he liked me more than I thought, and was afraid I wasn't ready for a relationship. But last night after I was bitching on Facebook about what I am going through with this person, he sent me a beautiful song, so maybe I still stand a chance. I know I am a good girlfriend. I am generous, loyal to a fault, nurturing, but also will give you a kick in the ass when you need it, great with kids, a good partner, and extremely physically affectionate. I know I will make someone very happy someday. I was just hoping it would be this person is all. But... his loss, right?
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