Lovezen_30 Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 We've been together 8 months; and he is very much a 'I show my feelings through actions' man although I told him I like to hear it through words sometimes, too - he'd told me 'I really care about you', but that's as far as it went. So one night recently I decided to bite the bullet and say 'I love you.' After a silence, he said 'I didn't think we were in that place.' I think I was quite confident that he would say it back as his actions are so loving - so was in a bit of shock. I asked him 'had he not been falling in love with me at all these past eight months?' - no response and I got quite upset (felt like been hit by a ton of bricks), at which point he was saying 'sorry' while holding me. Now after about a half an hour of talking about love/had he said it before etc (once in a past relationship, but later realised he didn't love her + was a bad break up) we began to tell eachother what we love about one another. He said 'I love...' and so on, then actually started crying whilst telling me all this...I was really taken aback as I've never seen him get upset. Here's the thing: after things had calmed down, he was looking at me for a while and said: 'I do love you.' He said he'd been confused and actually scared to say it before, but after reflecting on his feelings realised he did...I admitted being slightly doubtful and he said he understood. Nothing more was said, we went to sleep. The next morning before he left for work, we did all the usual things, breakfast etc and no mention of it (although I still felt crushed) - and just before he left he kissed me and told me loved me again, and apologised for how he had been before. I spoke to him again a day later and he said he loved me again just before coming off the phone...of course I was happy but a little confused. How could he go from not being in love to loving me so fast? What should I take from this?
d'Arthez Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 He probably is in love but had to reconcile himself with the experiences of the relationship that did not work out that you mentioned. Sometimes people need a bit of time to actually make sense of their feelings - it is not like people tend to process them 24 hours a day - they live and only occasionally reflect on them. 1
Author Lovezen_30 Posted May 20, 2012 Author Posted May 20, 2012 He probably is in love but had to reconcile himself with the experiences of the relationship that did not work out that you mentioned. Sometimes people need a bit of time to actually make sense of their feelings - it is not like people tend to process them 24 hours a day - they live and only occasionally reflect on them. Thanks for your reply. So, you don't think that I potentially need to worry that he doesn't mean it (eg. is saying it to purely to make me happy)? It's difficult to imagine that after being the most romantic/supportive guy I've been with, he doesn't in fact have romantic feelings for me...
d'Arthez Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 Don't worry. Notice that he said "I do love you" - he had come to the realization that in fact he could say "I love you" and mean it. 1
Author Lovezen_30 Posted May 20, 2012 Author Posted May 20, 2012 (edited) Don't worry. Notice that he said "I do love you" - he had come to the realization that in fact he could say "I love you" and mean it. Thanks again. I guess, for me, I tend to reflect on my feelings quite a lot and know where I'm at. It made me think if he hadn't come to his own conclusion about loving me already...to me, love is an instinctual thing - you just know without having to logically think about it too much. I want to have faith in his words, as he did seem sincere that morning. Edited May 20, 2012 by Lovezen_30
d'Arthez Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 People are different, and men tend to think less about their feelings than women. I am sure he is sincere.
NateC Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 (edited) Thanks again. I guess, for me, I tend to reflect on my feelings quite a lot and know where I'm at. It made me think if he hadn't come to his own conclusion about loving me already...to me, love is an instinctual thing - you just know without having to logically think about it too much. I want to have faith in his words, as he did seem sincere that morning. I think he is being sincere. These days you may see "I love you" thrown every which way without giving it a second thought by anyone...which takes away its meaning. Him finally being able to say it after everything he's gone through...that three word sentence is one of the most important words he'll ever say to you. Well, maybe there's *one* other sentence, but that's for later. Edited May 20, 2012 by NateC
Author Lovezen_30 Posted May 20, 2012 Author Posted May 20, 2012 (edited) I think he is being sincere. These days you may see "I love you" thrown every which way without giving it a second thought by anyone...which takes away its meaning. Him finally being able to say it after everything he's gone through...that three word sentence is one of the most important words he'll ever say to you. Well, maybe there's *one* other sentence, but that's for later. so you don't think the meaning is lessened any by the fact he was reluctant at first? edit: I don't want to dwell on this, but am having a little difficulty diminishing the concern. Edited May 20, 2012 by Lovezen_30
NateC Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 so you don't think the meaning is lessened any by the fact he was reluctant at first? edit: I don't want to dwell on this, but am having a little difficulty diminishing the concern. I think the meaning is made even *more* by him being reluctant because the phrase means so much that he can't just say it until he's absolutely sure. There's no need to be concerned...I think he really means it!
DontWorryBHappy Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 I get why you're concerned. It's because you don't process feelings in the same way that he does, and emotionally, you have trouble understanding his way of processing them. For you, feeling love is more definite and concrete, and you're very in tune with those feelings when you have them. But for your boyfriend, falling in love also has to do with figuring himself out, and his past, and all of that is related. You just have to trust him when he says it, and you have to push past the fear of being hurt. There's risk with every relationship, but you have to push past the fear or else you'll never be able to enjoy it.
Author Lovezen_30 Posted May 20, 2012 Author Posted May 20, 2012 I think the meaning is made even *more* by him being reluctant because the phrase means so much that he can't just say it until he's absolutely sure. There's no need to be concerned...I think he really means it! I think I would've believed it more readily if he had responded say in a few weeks having thought about it (or just longer than an hour or so - within that hour he had went from implying he wasn't 'in that place' and not in love to expressing the very opposite sentiment). But thank you, and I will try my best to take your positivity on board!
Author Lovezen_30 Posted May 20, 2012 Author Posted May 20, 2012 I get why you're concerned. It's because you don't process feelings in the same way that he does, and emotionally, you have trouble understanding his way of processing them. For you, feeling love is more definite and concrete, and you're very in tune with those feelings when you have them. But for your boyfriend, falling in love also has to do with figuring himself out, and his past, and all of that is related. You just have to trust him when he says it, and you have to push past the fear of being hurt. There's risk with every relationship, but you have to push past the fear or else you'll never be able to enjoy it. I think I do sometimes have that issue; an inability to understand how people approach things differently when I have such a concrete way of doing things - but I'm definitely open to understand different perspectives as much as possible... I think I don't completely understand how he processed it/what triggered the change within about an hour. He seemed to go from A (no love) to B (love) so quickly. And I know that regardless I'll just have to trust him...love does make you vulnerable and that's still a risk worth taking. I suppose I'm upset because there was no: Me: I love you! Him: *instantly recognising the same feeling within himself* Ah, I love you too! or something to that affect.
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