why do women spend so much time examining the behavior of abusive jerks?

[WonderKid]

Because subconsciously, she is attracted to them and she had an ephiphany.

 

^^^ That's hilarious

[snug.bunny]

i don't know what is wrong with me and believe me i've been thinking about it for upwards of 25 years. being nice is not enough, of course. but i'm utterly shocked that being downright cruel isn't an absolute eliminator.

 

I assume you mean, women who don't automatically eliminate men who abuse them. There are many variables. The woman may have been abused as a child, and so something resonates from within, and she is thus drawn to abuse subconsciously. Co-dependency is also a huge factor. Other times, the abuse is covert initially, and doesn't reveal itself until a later point in time.

 

Try not to invest too much time analyzing it. Being nice isn't supposed to be used as a means to achieve something. Being authentic and genuine is what makes you, you. And, trying to be aware of what others are truly experiencing.

[mark 40]

I assume you mean, women who don't automatically eliminate men who abuse them. There are many variables. The woman may have been abused as a child, and so something resonates from within, and she is thus drawn to abuse subconsciously. Co-dependency is also a huge factor. Other times, the abuse is covert initially, and doesn't reveal itself until a later point in time.

 

Try not to invest too much time analyzing it. Being nice isn't supposed to be used as a means to achieve something. Being authentic and genuine is what makes you, you. And, trying to be aware of what others are truly experiencing.

 

i'm 40 so i've had time. i don't get 'being nice isn't supposed to be used as a means to acieve something.' i've been accused of that and it's never been true. it's like whever someone is nice people assume an ulterior motive? craziness but you may believe it? being authentic and genuine is being nice and treating a lady right to me. it doesn't give that emotional spark they need and i'm out, every time.

[NateC]

i'm 40 so i've had time. i don't get 'being nice isn't supposed to be used as a means to acieve something.' i've been accused of that and it's never been true. it's like whever someone is nice people assume an ulterior motive? craziness but you may believe it? being authentic and genuine is being nice and treating a lady right to me. it doesn't give that emotional spark they need and i'm out, every time.

 

Some women have in their heads that men being nice = they want in their pants and nothing more. Eventually one of them will figure out the guy's actually being genuine and will deserve such treatment.

[snug.bunny]

i don't get 'being nice isn't supposed to be used as a means to acieve something.

 

That's okay. Explore that statement a bit more, to discover its true meaning.

 

 

i've been accused of that and it's never been true.

Well, it's hard to say why you've been accused of it, based on very limited info.

 

it's like whever someone is nice people assume an ulterior motive? craziness but you may believe it?

Very true.

 

being authentic and genuine is being nice and treating a lady right to me. it doesn't give that emotional spark they need and i'm out, every time.

Not sure why it didn't work out for you in those instances. I can tell you though, I've had an "emotional spark" lightened, by "nice" and what appearp to be, "authentic and genuine". So, it does exist.

[mark 40]

That's okay. Explore that statement a bit more, to discover its true meaning.

 

 

Well, it's hard to say why you've been accused of it, based on very limited info.

 

Very true.

 

Not sure why it didn't work out for you in those instances. I can tell you though, I've had an "emotional spark" lightened, by "nice" and what appearp to be, "authentic and genuine". So, it does exist.

 

it's 'true meanng' i believe is a justification to attack those who are nice. i don't know why i was accused of it either. women also have said about jerks, at least he's being honest. its like up is down and down is up. the emotional spark may exist but at 40 i don't think its possible for me to light it.

[mark 40]

Some women have in their heads that men being nice = they want in their pants and nothing more. Eventually one of them will figure out the guy's actually being genuine and will deserve such treatment.

 

i don't know why, but maybe it's just a way to get back at nice guys, but i don't understand who that would be.

[NateC]

i don't know why, but maybe it's just a way to get back at nice guys, but i don't understand who that would be.

 

In general I really hate the categories that guys are placed in. Women go for whoever attracts them...doesn't matter what "category" really.

[mark 40]

In general I really hate the categories that guys are placed in. Women go for whoever attracts them...doesn't matter what "category" really.

 

thats how it is now.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Not all women do this.

 

Usually it's because a man has shown her mixed messages i.e. been lovey dovey and then changed and she's trying to figure out or learn from what went wrong.

 

I think women generally analyse relationships more. We try to figure out what went wrong and learn from it in most cases.

 

One of my friends is obsessing about a jerk though but the reason is because he is different when they are alone and when they are out in public and she is very insecure. Because he made her feel special, she can't understand the jerk behaviour.

[LZ2000]

Just posting some reference material (which is in the context of this topic) so that you guys can understand or get some insights to this dilemma.

 

Fifty Shades of Grey - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

'Fifty Shades of Grey' banned from US libraries - Times LIVE

[muse08]

this is what women say but is that really it? why do women go after the same type of abusive jerk over and over and over again? why do women not examine when they've left a good guy? this examination is so bad that they talk about abusive exes on dates with me. yes you read that right. and when i try to change the subject they won't have any of it to the point of being rude. what gives?

 

"Go after"? Lol...

 

I don't know women who "go after" any man first of all. And female friends that I know who have ended up w/ an abusive jerk has had gentlemen as well. But just like the abusive jerk the gentleman didn't work out either for whatever reason . Lots of men put on the mask of a gentleman until something provokes them and the true colors shine through which aren't so gentleman -like. No one is perfect and just because you think you're a nice guy doesn't make woman obligated to stay with you or examine you. Same with nice girls vs. b!tches. Some people allow negative behavior to stay in their life and some people run from it and examine the whole picture after realizing the behavior is negative. Not many women I know go chasing abusers...wtf?

 

OP, the fact that women choose to leave abusive guys says that they will not tolerate the behavior. Who cares how much they examine? Its their business and it really does help the healing process which is needed to heal and avoid the same guy in the future as another poster said. Abusive behavior makes people men or women victims as if they have lost who they really are sometimes.

[mark 40]

"Go after"? Lol...

 

I don't know women who "go after" any man first of all. And female friends that I know who have ended up w/ an abusive jerk has had gentlemen as well. But just like the abusive jerk the gentleman didn't work out either for whatever reason . Lots of men put on the mask of a gentleman until something provokes them and the true colors shine through which aren't so gentleman -like. No one is perfect and just because you think you're a nice guy doesn't make woman obligated to stay with you or examine you. Same with nice girls vs. b!tches. Some people allow negative behavior to stay in their life and some people run from it and examine the whole picture after realizing the behavior is negative. Not many women I know go chasing abusers...wtf?

 

OP, the fact that women choose to leave abusive guys says that they will not tolerate the behavior. Who cares how much they examine? Its their business and it really does help the healing process which is needed to heal and avoid the same guy in the future as another poster said. Abusive behavior makes people men or women victims as if they have lost who they really are sometimes.

 

when did i say one is obligated? isn't it enough that i've had no real girlfriend in 40 years? why must people say that implies i feel obligated to something? are you going to next say that i'm obligated to a young model? i have no standards now in who i date. i can't afford to have standards given my track record of nothing and nothing. what i do know is now women assume a gentleman has a mask on regardless and if a man doesn't act like a gentleman she may say 'at least he's being honest'. it doesn't pay to be a gentleman, yet when i pretend to be something else it doesn't work. i don't completely buy some of the reasons for spending so much time thinking about abusive exes. maybe they're still attracted? what galls me to no end is how many women talk about abusive exes on dates with me. talk about throwing cold water on things with me. of course, none of these women ever accept a second date.

[carhill]

Based on your last post and reflecting back, I had somewhat similar issues and found the solution in being more particular and having clearer boundaries and proactively disengaging with women who didn't respect them. The tide turned once I started actively rejecting women who didn't 'fit' in a synergistic way. It's little surprise that those who were attracted to abusive jerks or whined incessantly about them were the first to go. The 'journey of folly' ended in my late 30's, though I wouldn't process the psychological 'reasons' for another decade or so, in MC.

 

Boiled down, enact clear standards which respect your psyche, social/familial status and desires in a partner. Establish boundaries of behavior which, if breached, result in instant erasure. Put such into practice in all areas of life, not just dating. It's your life and it doesn't last forever. Make the best of it. The abusive jerks and the women who whine about them have their own path. They can walk it. Walk yours.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Because there happen to be a lot of jerks out there.

[mark 40]

Based on your last post and reflecting back, I had somewhat similar issues and found the solution in being more particular and having clearer boundaries and proactively disengaging with women who didn't respect them. The tide turned once I started actively rejecting women who didn't 'fit' in a synergistic way. It's little surprise that those who were attracted to abusive jerks or whined incessantly about them were the first to go. The 'journey of folly' ended in my late 30's, though I wouldn't process the psychological 'reasons' for another decade or so, in MC.

 

Boiled down, enact clear standards which respect your psyche, social/familial status and desires in a partner. Establish boundaries of behavior which, if breached, result in instant erasure. Put such into practice in all areas of life, not just dating. It's your life and it doesn't last forever. Make the best of it. The abusive jerks and the women who whine about them have their own path. They can walk it. Walk yours.

 

yeah. right sure. when you're lucky to get a yearly date, it would be awfully stupid to say no to here.

[mark 40]

Because there happen to be a lot of jerks out there.

 

this is just a condescending answer.

[carhill]

yeah. right sure. when you're lucky to get a yearly date, it would be awfully stupid to say no to here.

I had exactly the same problem until I changed my mindset. Changing other people is folly, IMO. Also, I widened my horizons, traveling to other countries and 'getting out there'. The combination (unclear of which factor was dominant as it was a concurrent decision) appeared to change things, resulting in more dates, LTR's and getting married around your age.

[muse08]

when did i say one is obligated? isn't it enough that i've had no real girlfriend in 40 years? why must people say that implies i feel obligated to something? are you going to next say that i'm obligated to a young model? i have no standards now in who i date. i can't afford to have standards given my track record of nothing and nothing. what i do know is now women assume a gentleman has a mask on regardless and if a man doesn't act like a gentleman she may say 'at least he's being honest'. it doesn't pay to be a gentleman, yet when i pretend to be something else it doesn't work. i don't completely buy some of the reasons for spending so much time thinking about abusive exes. maybe they're still attracted? what galls me to no end is how many women talk about abusive exes on dates with me. talk about throwing cold water on things with me. of course, none of these women ever accept a second date.

 

OP, my obligation comment referred to any man "gentleman or jerk". No one is obligated unless of course they're married or some other type of agreement is in place.

 

I understand where you're coming from to a certain extent but the facthat this thread is asking why women examine these jerks, just strikes a nerve in many of us women.

 

I don't think women, myself included, have examined the MEN. Instead we've examined the things that led up to the abuse. But you're intelligent enough. I don't need to reiterate all that again...

 

Who WANTS.......an abuser? Physical or emotional?

[carhill]

What I observed during the tampon years was not so much that women 'wanted' the abusive jerk but rather that they (that subset of females) were *attracted* to the abusive jerk. This was evidenced by their physical responses to abusive and dominating behaviors, some of which I observed directly, both in LTR and marriage situations. What I did not yet know or understand during those years was that, when want and attraction don't match up, get away. Canary of unhealthiness. Since, it's been a surprisingly accurate canary, even if/when I proactively ignored it, and I have.

 

Re-reading the title, the OP appears to ask why women spend so much time examining the *behavior* of abusive jerks. OP, would those be 'the things' which contributed to the abusive situations? Clarify that. IME, the bulk of the 'examination' was the tiniest details of interactions and how that made them feel. The unhealthier the sample, the longer and more detailed the examinations would be. A few went on for years.

[mark 40]

What I observed during the tampon years was not so much that women 'wanted' the abusive jerk but rather that they (that subset of females) were *attracted* to the abusive jerk. This was evidenced by their physical responses to abusive and dominating behaviors, some of which I observed directly, both in LTR and marriage situations. What I did not yet know or understand during those years was that, when want and attraction don't match up, get away. Canary of unhealthiness. Since, it's been a surprisingly accurate canary, even if/when I proactively ignored it, and I have.

 

Re-reading the title, the OP appears to ask why women spend so much time examining the *behavior* of abusive jerks. OP, would those be 'the things' which contributed to the abusive situations? Clarify that. IME, the bulk of the 'examination' was the tiniest details of interactions and how that made them feel. The unhealthier the sample, the longer and more detailed the examinations would be. A few went on for years.

 

i don't know. the thread was made because i observe women spending months thinking about abusive jerk ex boyfriends and some even going back for more, but i don't see women examining good nice guys they broke up with and women usually to cut these relationships off with ease.

[kaylan]

Op...dude...brah...guy...let me be real with you.

 

You want to know why women chose "jerks" over you?(or guys you wrongly assume to be jerks). Its because of the attitude you exhibit in this thread. Whiny is not attractive whatsoever. The loveable loser character only gets sympathy in the movies, it doesnt get girls to chase you in real life. Also, ever maybe consider that the chicks you (or others guy who complain about this) are simply not physically attractive to the women you are interested in?

 

Im no Beckham, but if you have something chicks will like about you physically, you will garner interest. And unless you are a total weirdo, then you shouldnt ruin that interest on a night out. Do you hit the bars? When I do I usually get some compliments on my hair. Got several over the course of two nights out last week. But I think that has a lot to do with me having short fluffy dreads in an area where most people are white. Some girls get fascinated by my hair and want to touch it lol. Basically my point is that if you are at least average looking, have something about you girls will like physically, and arent a complete goober personality wise, then you shouldnt be doing horribly.

[mark 40]

Op...dude...brah...guy...let me be real with you.

 

You want to know why women chose "jerks" over you?(or guys you wrongly assume to be jerks). Its because of the attitude you exhibit in this thread. Whiny is not attractive whatsoever. The loveable loser character only gets sympathy in the movies, it doesnt get girls to chase you in real life. Also, ever maybe consider that the chicks you (or others guy who complain about this) are simply not physically attractive to the women you are interested in?

 

Im no Beckham, but if you have something chicks will like about you physically, you will garner interest. And unless you are a total weirdo, then you shouldnt ruin that interest on a night out. Do you hit the bars? When I do I usually get some compliments on my hair. Got several over the course of two nights out last week. But I think that has a lot to do with me having short fluffy dreads in an area where most people are white. Some girls get fascinated by my hair and want to touch it lol. Basically my point is that if you are at least average looking, have something about you girls will like physically, and arent a complete goober personality wise, then you shouldnt be doing horribly.

 

i'm 40 and my time is running out and i'm mad that through all this time that i've not gotten one to 'fancy' me. so fving sick of being told i'm nice, i'm attractive, i'm smart, i'm creative, i'm this, i'm that, but she's not attracted. all i get is rejection and heartbreak. i've been to bars and i go home miserable. i'e gotten the stink eye a few times. i hate bars, full of drunks. i've been shoved by a couple of them. compliments are meaningless when tehy are followed by i don't fancy you. i'm doing horribly. surprised that you do any better the way you come off, but i shouldn't be. you have that charisma or whatever that draws em in. i don't.