mark 40 Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 this happens all the time. a woman dates a guy and he's an abusive jerk. after it ends, she spends months examining why he's abusive jerk rather than moving on. what's there to examine? he's an abusive jerk! yet when women break up with good guys, they usually don't examine why and move on to the next with ease. why? why do women take up so much of their busy schedules thinking about their abusive jerk exes?
Badsingularity Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 because, to borrow a phrase posted by another person here, those guys make her feel "hormonal vibes of joy"
Author mark 40 Posted May 20, 2012 Author Posted May 20, 2012 because, to borrow a phrase posted by another person here, those guys make her feel "hormonal vibes of joy" but what doesn't make sense to me is even after she knows they are abusive lying cheating jerks does she still feel these hormonal vibes of joy? does she want to change them? even after physical abuse I've seen it.
SJC2008 Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 I am sick and tired of these women go with the bad guy/jerks threads. Most women would be gone at the first sign of verbal/physical abuse. Women like nice guys/gentleman, they don't like/want doormats. 2
HHC Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 but what doesn't make sense to me is even after she knows they are abusive lying cheating jerks does she still feel these hormonal vibes of joy? does she want to change them? even after physical abuse I've seen it. Because it allows them to make note of things that were done and her response so she doesn't fall for that BS again Why is trying to make sure you don't repeat your ways a bad thing? Some people are just jerks but she entered into a relationship with him she should find out why. Just because some men don't self assess doesn't mean when a woman does it she's an idiot
Badsingularity Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 but what doesn't make sense to me is even after she knows they are abusive lying cheating jerks does she still feel these hormonal vibes of joy? does she want to change them? even after physical abuse I've seen it. Yes. Sometimes some women do still feel those feelings for a guy like that and yes I'm sure she would love to change him into a nicer person.
Author mark 40 Posted May 20, 2012 Author Posted May 20, 2012 Because it allows them to make note of things that were done and her response so she doesn't fall for that BS again Why is trying to make sure you don't repeat your ways a bad thing? Some people are just jerks but she entered into a relationship with him she should find out why. Just because some men don't self assess doesn't mean when a woman does it she's an idiot this is what women say but is that really it? why do women go after the same type of abusive jerk over and over and over again? why do women not examine when they've left a good guy? this examination is so bad that they talk about abusive exes on dates with me. yes you read that right. and when i try to change the subject they won't have any of it to the point of being rude. what gives?
NateC Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 this is what women say but is that really it? why do women go after the same type of abusive jerk over and over and over again? why do women not examine when they've left a good guy? this examination is so bad that they talk about abusive exes on dates with me. yes you read that right. and when i try to change the subject they won't have any of it to the point of being rude. what gives? I have a couple friends who are exactly like that...I have yet to understand. I try, but there's really no answer.
HHC Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 this is what women say but is that really it? why do women go after the same type of abusive jerk over and over and over again? why do women not examine when they've left a good guy? this examination is so bad that they talk about abusive exes on dates with me. yes you read that right. and when i try to change the subject they won't have any of it to the point of being rude. what gives? Because when they leave a nice guy they know that they did everything right, or to a level that they approve. They didn't feel forced to experience moments of distress and return. They weren't put in a position where they ignored their morals and felt ashamed afterwards. They know that the experiences they had with that man were acceptable and they were proud of their actions. When you date a jerk you get so such satisfaction and you're forever trying to find an answer to why. And sometimes you find it and you can stop it reoccurring, which is the whole reason you analyse in the first place, right? I left a jerk and examined it. Of course at the end I was no closer to having an answer as to why he was a jerk, but I found answers as to why I stayed, and supported the unsavoury relationship and I haven't done it again 1
Badsingularity Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 why do women go after the same type of abusive jerk over and over and over again? Often times women will feel powerful chemistry with these men, because they have the traits that trigger that in many women. There are nice men who also posses those traits, but I think a guy like that can be hard to find for some women.
HHC Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 And don't get me wrong, there is definitely an unhealthy length of time to give to a guy who isn't worth it. A woman should be examining her relationship with him and not so much him. After a period of time you just need to move on and let go.
carhill Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 this examination is so bad that they talk about abusive exes on dates with me. yes you read that right. and when i try to change the subject they won't have any of it to the point of being rude. There's your sign. Looming incompatibility. The 'why' is pretty simple IMO and boils down to two factors; one, socialization and, two, how emotional memories are formed and their effect on the psyche. OP, one question to ask yourself is would you want to be replaying that tape over and over again? Maybe that's a gift you've been given. The gift of moving on. Embrace it. Relish it.
Author mark 40 Posted May 20, 2012 Author Posted May 20, 2012 I am sick and tired of these women go with the bad guy/jerks threads. Most women would be gone at the first sign of verbal/physical abuse. Women like nice guys/gentleman, they don't like/want doormats. thats easy for you to say. you're a guy who has it easy, aren't you? women usually aren't gone at the first sign of verbal abuse. physical, yes mostly, but not verbal. this nice guys/gentleman vs doormat thing is the biggest load of you know what i've ever seen. doormat is a word invented by abusive jerks as a way to refer to nice guys/gentleman in a derogatory way. there isn't a such thing as a doormat. if you're sick of a thread why would you take time out of your day to post? 1
ja123 Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 (edited) I left a jerk and examined it. Of course at the end I was no closer to having an answer as to why he was a jerk, but I found answers as to why I stayed, and supported the unsavoury relationship and I haven't done it again Well, I examined a lot and, yes, I did figure out the reason the man I was with was abusive ... it was his way of dealing with all the hurt (childhood included) he'd been dealt. He never went to get help for those issues and displaced a lot on me. And, yes, I had to look long and hard at why I stayed. I know why. And I've done a heck of a lot of work and re-wiring to change a few things about myself. It's like we were a sick, little puzzle that fit together. I'm happy to say that I'm a person of greater depth because of it all. But it took courage and work to get to where I am today. And I'll glowingly admit that, in spite of my previous experience, I still love men. I just LOVE them!!!! Edited May 20, 2012 by ja123
Author mark 40 Posted May 20, 2012 Author Posted May 20, 2012 Well, I examined a lot and, yes, I did figure out the reason the man I was with was abusive ... it was his way of dealing with all the hurt (childhood included) he'd been dealt. He never went to get help for those issues and displaced a lot on me. And, yes, I had to look long and hard at why I stayed. I know why. And I've done a heck of a lot of work and re-wiring to change a few things about myself. It's like we were a sick, little puzzle that fit together. I happy to say that I'm a person of greater depth because of it all. But it took courage and work to get to where I am today. And I'll glowly admit that, in spite of my previous experience, I still love men. I just LOVE them!!!! is having a bad childhood an excuse to be abusive? why is it that most men who have bad childhoods are not abusive? why is it that women have no sympathy for men who are late bloomers and little for shy guys?
carhill Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 is having a bad childhood an excuse to be abusive? why is it that most men who have bad childhoods are not abusive? why is it that women have no sympathy for men who are late bloomers and little for shy guys? IMO, the roots for this can be found in FOO. Reading LS, 'late bloomers' and 'shy guys' mate and reproduce at a lesser rate than 'abusive jerks' so, in one form or another, the 'jerk chaser' is exposed during their elemental socialization to behaviors less 'late blooming' or 'shy' and more 'abusive'. This forms a pattern of familiarity. As a young man, I came to understand this but continued, to my own detriment, to give such potentials the 'benefit of the doubt' and thought, mistakenly and unhealthily, if I loved and cared enough, then their tape could be erased and changed. I now freely acknowledge that it was a journey of folly. Acceptance.
Imajerk17 Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 My understanding is that women especially respond to their emotions being spiked. Even negative ones. Nice guys don't really do that.
Author mark 40 Posted May 20, 2012 Author Posted May 20, 2012 My understanding is that women especially respond to their emotions being spiked. Even negative ones. Nice guys don't really do that. how can a nice guy spike a woman's emotions? i've tried the less nice and even not nice things a few times each. epic disasters every single time. when a guy is nice by nature and they try something else, he comes off as fake and apparently woman see right through it.
snug.bunny Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 Probably because when someone is abused, it interferes with their cognitive and physiological structure. It takes time for the brain to return to its natural state.
Author mark 40 Posted May 20, 2012 Author Posted May 20, 2012 My understanding is that women especially respond to their emotions being spiked. Even negative ones. Nice guys don't really do that. if the goal is a one night stand could make sense, but why if the goal is long term? my married friends and relatives show passion from time to time but it isn't 24/7 passion. eg, i don't see my married friends kissing at the store.
Author mark 40 Posted May 20, 2012 Author Posted May 20, 2012 Probably because when someone is abused, it interferes with their cognitive and physiological structure. It takes time for the brain to return to its natural state. then why are most absuive people who were abused not abusive? i have friends who were absued as kids and they are in happy loving marriages. why do so many abusive men get pass after pass from women and at the same time good guys who don't give women enough emotion spikes or whatever are ignored and shunned?
snug.bunny Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 then why are most absuive people who were abused not abusive? That statement doesn't make sense. i have friends who were absued as kids and they are in happy loving marriages. why do so many abusive men get pass after pass from women and at the same time good guys who don't give women enough emotion spikes or whatever are ignored and shunned?I suppose it is because, everyone's brain chemistry is different. Other considerations, are length of time one had to recover (IE. from being abused as a child, to becoming an adult), whether or not they had therapy. Lots of factors. good guys who don't give women enough emotion spikes or whatever are ignored and shunned?Not always the case. Plenty of good guys can get a woman hot, you just have to know what those "emotional spikes" are and done in a way, that's NOT abusive. Or, be a jerk. Up to you.
Author mark 40 Posted May 20, 2012 Author Posted May 20, 2012 That statement doesn't make sense. I suppose it is because, everyone's brain chemistry is different. Other considerations, are length of time one had to recover (IE. from being abused as a child, to becoming an adult), whether or not they had therapy. Lots of factors. Not always the case. Plenty of good guys can get a woman hot, you just have to know what those "emotional spikes" are and done in a way, that's NOT abusive. Or, be a jerk. Up to you. most guys who were abused as children are not abusive themselves as adults. i may not understand but it galls me to see abusive men try and justify it. i'm the ripe old age of 40. i can be my nice self and while women appreciate it, they don't get that emotional spike. i've tried the less nice, the not nice, even the jerk persona. i've tried counterintuitive stuff. they don't work. no emotional spkies and then the speech you're such a nice guy, but. always the but and that's it. no second chances. no nothings.
snug.bunny Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 most guys who were abused as children are not abusive themselves as adults. i may not understand but it galls me to see abusive men try and justify it. i'm the ripe old age of 40. i can be my nice self and while women appreciate it, they don't get that emotional spike. i've tried the less nice, the not nice, even the jerk persona. i've tried counterintuitive stuff. they don't work. no emotional spkies and then the speech you're such a nice guy, but. always the but and that's it. no second chances. no nothings. I know many man equate "nice" with their dating woes, and maybe in some cases, that is very well true with certain women. But, based on my own personal accounts the men in my and my family/friend's lives, are all GOOD guys, nice too. Except for one female friend, she was with a bad guy, and it took her moving to another state to recover from.
Author mark 40 Posted May 20, 2012 Author Posted May 20, 2012 I know many man equate "nice" with their dating woes, and maybe in some cases, that is very well true with certain women. But, based on my own personal accounts the men in my and my family/friend's lives, are all GOOD guys, nice too. Except for one female friend, she was with a bad guy, and it took her moving to another state to recover from. i don't know what is wrong with me and believe me i've been thinking about it for upwards of 25 years. being nice is not enough, of course. but i'm utterly shocked that being downright cruel isn't an absolute eliminator.
Recommended Posts