Rosa Tamora Posted May 19, 2012 Posted May 19, 2012 I've been dating this person for almost a year. I'm 33, he is 31. He has an 11 year old girl from a very short previous relationship from when he was 19. He doesn't get to see her much because the child and her mother live in a different state far away. He tried to be with the mother but she rejected him after he had quit his job, went up there to see and be with her, no doubt this was painful. He pays child support but because it's expensive he doesn't get to fly out there to see his daughter much. When we first got together he told me that the idea of having a kid scares him a bit and he doesn't want to be in the same situation like that again but he would like to have 2 kids maybe someday. Everything was fine until one day we argued about something when I told him I wasn't ready to move in with him (after being together for only 5 months) he got upset and said he doesn't want kids anyway because he thinks women change their mind about things all the time. He said that he would be damned that he would be in that same situation again and that the courts favor the mother over the dad almost all the time and he wouldn't get to see his kid if we split up, and that I would run away with his child, and he would be in the same situation again. I would never do that to anyone. Is it me, or does this person have a tremendous amount of baggage and is still acting wounded? I always encourage him to call his child up to talk to her and be there for her as much as he can. Not sure what to think or how to handle him.
SJC2008 Posted May 19, 2012 Posted May 19, 2012 When someone gives depth to what they say believe them. He just didn't say he changed his mind about kids, he listed reasons. Sounds like a strong conviction IMO. There is a chance he's mad for you not moving in and that's his response. Don't move in with him, it lowers the odds of him proposing. Bring the subject back up when you feel is right.
newmoon Posted May 19, 2012 Posted May 19, 2012 he doesn't sound like he's a great father anyway, so why would you want kids with him? paying child support and never seeing his kid = not a father at all, just a financial support. if he has voiced disinterest in more children, then take him at his word and look for someone else before you waste more years trying to change his mind.
threebyfate Posted May 19, 2012 Posted May 19, 2012 Unless you clearly specified a move in date, I'm uncertain where you changed your mind. If anything, he freaked and changed his mind about having children and projected his issues onto you. Guy's got major baggage. Be very wary.
Sid6.7 Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 I can't really blame him. He is right. The court system does favor the female over the male during custody battles. It's corrupt and sickening. You say you wouldn't do such a thing and it's quite possible she told him the same exact thing. Sure, you tell him that now but that doesn't mean you won't in the future. That is a tremendous risk for him to take. Besides, wanting to move in together after only five months? What's the big damn hurry? If you two are having issues this early on I am afraid they are only going to be compounded down the line and there is going to be a break in the relationship from all of the previous bending. The both of you may want to reconsider your options.
FitChick Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 If you don't want kids, it's not a problem. If you do, find someone who doesn't have any and won't know the pitfalls until it's too late.
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