WongHua Posted May 19, 2012 Posted May 19, 2012 Hi everyone, So I just broke up with my boyfriend of almost 2 years. We ended things on a good note, and we both want to stay friends. I know we could be good friends, we get along great. But I don't know if we should have contact so early in the break up, you know? It feels like it's too early and we might just fall back into it... To be honest, both of us knew we had to break up in order for our circumstances to change, but we didn't want to. Nonetheless we did, and it feels so weird not to talk to him every night to say good night or every morning to wish each other a great day. I'd love to be able to still see him, but then I fear this is the reason why I shouldn't. It feels like we might fall back into it, or that he might think it's easy to just have me there and take me even more for granted.. You know? And if for some reason we could get back together in the future, I'd like for it to be because things changed and we can do things right, not just because we can't stand being apart. Also, he still has a bunch of my things and I'd like them back.. but I don't know how to go about that. So I don't know what to do, or how to go about it at all. Please, any advice is welcome!
LogicallyIllogical Posted May 19, 2012 Posted May 19, 2012 I think staying "friends" right after a breakup is a bad idea and typically not possible. 100% mutual breakups rarely happen, which means that one of the two people usually holds some sort of hope or attachment to the other(dumpee to the dumper). Could you handle it if your ex asked for advice with new women? Would that make you jealous/hurt/angry? If the answer is yes, then you can't really be his friend. Even if the two of you parted on a good note and want to remain friends, it's better to spend some time apart to let your feelings dissipate. It's strange and often hurts not to be able to have that person there for you at all times as you did while you were together, but that's a necessity IMO. You have to let that crutch go and learn to be on your own again. Then, after some time has passed and you've sorted through your feelings, you could try to re-connect if you're still interested. Just my opinion. 1
Author WongHua Posted May 19, 2012 Author Posted May 19, 2012 Thanks, I totally see your point. Space is definitely necessary. And you're so right, it is like a crutch! I mean you break up and it's like you lose part of yourself in that relationship that you have to learn to be by yourself again.. And I mean I just didn't know how to respond, he said he still wants me around and wants us to hang out, and go see this movie, and go play this card game... I just agreed that we should still do stuff together. But when I had time to myself at first I thought: "No, I'm not just going to be there for him so he feels safe. I'm not going to be in this thing where we're kind of still in a relationship but without the compromise." I feel like then he really would be getting the milk for free without having to buy the cow, you know? And then I thought some more, and I think he might be doing it because he wants to have me around in case he wants to get back together... Either way, I don't think it would be healthy, right? And I feel like I wouldn't be placing value on myself by doing that... Also, can anyone give me advice on how to go about picking up my stuff? I don't know if I should do it right now that we just broke up, or wait until we've had some time apart and it's not so fresh and pick it up then... I've never done this before :S
Author WongHua Posted May 22, 2012 Author Posted May 22, 2012 Please help! I really don't know what to do It's barely been like 3 days since we broke up and he started texting me and trying to keep contact on facebook (liking my status, comments, etc..) like nothing happened... I really don't want to be mean and say to stop contacting me, but I don't know what to do, and I mean to be honest I like that he's been contacting me but it can't be good right? I answered his first text, and I kept trying to stop but he kept asking stuff and trying to keep the conversation going. Until I finally said I had to go, and it was nice hearing from him... It feels horrible because I miss him so much and every time he does this it makes me feel like there might be hope, but I don't want to think that way! Yet at the same time I don't want to blow it if there is any chance of us getting back together... is it bad that I answered him?? Do I need to tell him that it's better not to talk, or just stop talking to him without letting him know??
Chi townD Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 Well, you ended things on a good note. But, you can't guarantee that he felt the same way. He may have been putting up a good front all the while he's busted on the inside. Respectfully, you can't speak for him. Why did you two break up anyway? And who broke up with who? And don't tell me it was mutual crap. Someone broached the subject first.
TaraMaiden Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 It sounds to me like he was the one to instigate and push for it, because the bottom line is that they're probably relatively young and actually, he's not ready to settle down, but wants to spread his wings a little, while still having a "Soft place to fall" (oe, the OP) in case he 'don't get none'. She's more heartbroken than he is and actually, seems to be the one torn up about breaking contact off.. just in case he might 'actually wish to reverse his decision'.... which if he keeps in touch with her, giving her hope, might even entice her into bed again, which would give him sexual release without the commitment.... in essence, the OP would become a FWB..... Of course, I could be totally wrong, and unreservedly apologise if I am, but this is just so much of the 'same old same-old'....
TaraMaiden Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 Please help! I really don't know what to do ......Do I need to tell him that it's better not to talk, or just stop talking to him without letting him know?? Write him a note telling him continued contact is currently too painful for you to invest in, so you think that the best thing would be for you both to go No contact until such a time as he decides he wants to get back together with you for good... but in the meantime, you're going to send * friend's name* round on *such-and-such a date* to pick up your stuff, namely, *item*, *item*, *item* and *item* (fill all items in here....) and if he could have them ready for *said friend* you'd be grateful, thanks. In the meantime, until such a time as you two get back together again for good, have a great life, but it's No Contact from this moment on. Next, read the Caliguy no Contact guide in my signature, and follow the instructions therein, religiously. they will save your heart and your sanity. Delete, block and close every possible avenue of contact between you and him. Because trust me - if he wants to re-connect with you to start again - he will find a way. 1
Author WongHua Posted May 22, 2012 Author Posted May 22, 2012 I guess what I meant by on a good note is that we did it calmly, and neither of us broke down. It's a long story, we've had 2 breaks started by me. I felt at some point like I wasn't his priority. I brought it up first. We took some time apart and then decided to try to fix things and do things differently. About 2 weeks in I got really mad at him and we had a big fight, then a few days later I asked if we could talk and he said he couldn't because him and his friends were taking out his friend's mom for a late mother's day... Which made me more mad he was putting me second again, and not to his mom but to his friend's mom!!! We had another argument and in the heat of that he said he couldn't do it anymore. We calmed down and talked the next day and he said he felt he couldn't change as quickly as I needed him to, and that even though he loved me so much he felt there was something and he didn't know what that kept him from giving his all in the relationship and he needed to get it out of his system. But then when I agreed we needed to break up, he started saying he didn't want to. And after talking at some point it was mutual. I mean honestly if I hadn't brought it up, the relationship was perfectly fine for him. And I was really happy with him, except for feeling taken for granted and an on and off priority...
Author WongHua Posted May 22, 2012 Author Posted May 22, 2012 Tara Maiden: Thank you I'm definitely going to give the no contact thread a good read. Also, to some point i think you're right. We are young, we're both 22. I already had my time of messing around and just want a nice relationship, which I had with him except for those few times... And his friends have always been really important to him, but recently he wanted to spend most his time with them and then the rest with me :S I do believe he needs that "messing around with friends" time and to get it out of his system.. but I feel like i'd just be a pushover and even easier to be taken for granted if i was just there waiting for him to get done with it... Also thanks for your advice for picking up my stuff, I never thought of it that way, so I'm going to try that!
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