Self-deprecating humor

[whitefire]

I make fun of a lot of things, but above all else I make fun of myself. I find that the most fulfilling kind of humor is the honest kind, where I can take negative or imperfect things I do and bring light to them.

 

A friend told me today that I do this too much around women. He said that self-deprecating humor makes you seem weak and insecure. I disagreed. A guy would make himself seem weak and insecure if he was legitimately feeling bad about himself while making fun of himself. If he talks about his idiosyncrasies or shortcomings and laughs at them, I feel like that shows more confidence than boasting about his strengths, or only pointing his humor at others.

 

Out of curiosity, I browsed this topic a bit, and found a lot of people telling guys to avoid self-deprecating humor around women. I don't really understand this.

 

Anyone have any thoughts?

[USMCHokie]

Good question. Self-deprecating humor, when used with discretion and in moderation, can reflect a light-hearted demeanor and show that you don't take yourself or life in general too seriously. However, I personally find that most, if not all, self-deprecating humor originates from a genuine source of insecurity and is simply a mask to hide those insecurities.

 

And besides, self-deprecating humor inherently exposes what you perceive to be your "flaws" to a woman...essentially a laundry list of what you think is "wrong" with you. Why would you want to give that kind of first impression...?

[whitefire]

Good question. Self-deprecating humor, when used with discretion and in moderation, can reflect a light-hearted demeanor and show that you don't take yourself or life in general too seriously. However, I personally find that most, if not all, self-deprecating humor originates from a genuine source of insecurity and is simply a mask to hide those insecurities.

 

And besides, self-deprecating humor inherently exposes what you perceive to be your "flaws" to a woman...essentially a laundry list of what you think is "wrong" with you. Why would you want to give that kind of first impression...?

 

You're right. If done wrong, or done out of true dislike for oneself, it's always going to come off as bad. Though, I'm not suggesting go through every flaw you have. But say a topic in conversation makes you think of a story you have where you did something stupid or embarrassing, and in retrospect you can look back and laugh at it. Why hide it? None of us are perfect, so there's no sense in trying to hide our imperfections. People are going to find out sooner or later. They might as well find out through you and see that you can laugh at yourself.

[USMCHokie]

You're right. If done wrong, or done out of true dislike for oneself, it's always going to come off as bad.

 

I would offer that all self-deprecating humor by its very nature is done out of true dislike for oneself, or a part of oneself. You can believe you are doing it in good spirits, but once you strip away all the layers of denial, you have pure insecurity.

 

Though, I'm not suggesting go through every flaw you have. But say a topic in conversation makes you think of a story you have where you did something stupid or embarrassing, and in retrospect you can look back and laugh at it.

 

This isn't self-deprecating humor. This is telling a humorous anecdote.

 

Why hide it? None of us are perfect, so there's no sense in trying to hide our imperfections. People are going to find out sooner or later. They might as well find out through you and see that you can laugh at yourself.

 

It isn't about trying to reveal imperfections or being able to laugh at yourself. It's about trying to draw sympathy from the audience masked as humor.

 

 

And for the record, I'm just sharing the point of view of a slowly recovering master of self-deprecating humor.

[USMCHokie]

...self-deprecating humor makes you seem weak and insecure.

 

Corrected...

[gaius]

You're right. If done wrong, or done out of true dislike for oneself, it's always going to come off as bad. Though, I'm not suggesting go through every flaw you have. But say a topic in conversation makes you think of a story you have where you did something stupid or embarrassing, and in retrospect you can look back and laugh at it. Why hide it? None of us are perfect, so there's no sense in trying to hide our imperfections. People are going to find out sooner or later. They might as well find out through you and see that you can laugh at yourself.

You're putting the girl in the awkward position of either laughing AT you, or having to reassure you about what happened. Neither is good for building sexual attraction.

 

Save those stories for times she's feeling horrible about herself for something similar, then you can use them to be the reassuring one.

[Stonehands72]

These posts helped me alot, very insightful.

[whitefire]

I would offer that all self-deprecating humor by its very nature is done out of true dislike for oneself, or a part of oneself. You can believe you are doing it in good spirits, but once you strip away all the layers of denial, you have pure insecurity.

 

Everybody has pure insecurity, but some handle it better than others. Trying to convince yourself that you're 100% immune to insecurity is a bad way of handling it.

 

I have insecurities. In my younger days I used to brood over them, and that was bad. Then I shaped up and started to laugh at them, and not only has that made me feel a lot happier with myself, but it's also helped improve and fix some of my flaws.

 

This isn't self-deprecating humor. This is telling a humorous anecdote.

 

An anecdote where you did something that made you a fool. It can be humorous depending on how you view it.

 

It isn't about trying to reveal imperfections or being able to laugh at yourself. It's about trying to draw sympathy from the audience masked as humor.

 

If a woman is your audience, then how would attempting to draw sympathy ever be a good idea? I don't think I've ever seen a guy getting laid based on pity.

 

In the sense of a large audience, where you're on stage in front of them - the funniest and most insightful comedians out there make fun of themselves a little bit, and they don't do it for sympathy. They've reached a point where they don't give a crap what people think. They've bombed enough times to have a thick skin. But the comedians that are truly honest with themselves, and convey that honesty to their audience are by far the best ones, because they become so much more relatable. Why shouldn't that translate to regular interactions with people? With women?

 

Humor is really more about honesty with oneself than trying to get a laugh. It shows that you have an intriguing view of the world and most importantly yourself.

 

And for the record, I'm just sharing the point of view of a slowly recovering master of self-deprecating humor.

 

Duly noted.

 

Corrected...

 

On the contrary, I think covering up your insecurities with a false mask of confidence makes you weak and insecure.

[marilla]

Well i am a woman and i used to do that too. I thought and still think it is actually shows confidence and strength. However i have noticed a few times that doing this actually made the man look down on me whereas a woman that knows how to sell herself and advertize it better was the one that got the guys.

So i think doing it you may end up putting yourself down and making others look down on you. I personally think like i have said above it is exactly the opposite but it needs to be done in moderation and in a way that you don't put yourself down. Some people are not clever enough to understand what it truly shows and go for the ones that advertize themselves.

I hope this makes sense.

[whitefire]

You're putting the girl in the awkward position of either laughing AT you, or having to reassure you about what happened. Neither is good for building sexual attraction.

 

Save those stories for times she's feeling horrible about herself for something similar, then you can use them to be the reassuring one.

 

It's not about sympathy. It's not done to reassure someone (though, like you said, if she feels horrible about herself, you can cheer her up by ripping on yourself, though that's much different than what I'm getting at here.) And it's not about trying to get a laugh out of her. Having her laugh is a welcomed response, no doubt, but if you're thinking "what can I say to be funny," then you're doing something wrong.

 

It's about opening up a little bit and allowing her to relate to you through a humorous twist on an event or idiosyncrasy, and maybe inspiring her to express something similar.

[USMCHokie]

Everybody has pure insecurity, but some handle it better than others. Trying to convince yourself that you're 100% immune to insecurity is a bad way of handling it.

 

Agreed. No one is 100% secure.

 

An anecdote where you did something that made you a fool. It can be humorous depending on how you view it.

 

I only made the distinction because in my mind, self-deprecating humor targets more permanent attributes. Anecdotes are generally temporal. But we don't need to go into semantics.

 

If a woman is your audience, then how would attempting to draw sympathy ever be a good idea? I don't think I've ever seen a guy getting laid based on pity.

 

I think you misinterpreted what I wrote. I meant to say that with a negative connotation. Those who frequently use self-deprecating humor more often than not are seeking to draw sympathy, whether purposefully or subconsciously.

 

In the sense of a large audience, where you're on stage in front of them - the funniest and most insightful comedians out there make fun of themselves a little bit, and they don't do it for sympathy. They've reached a point where they don't give a crap what people think. They've bombed enough times to have a thick skin. But the comedians that are truly honest with themselves, and convey that honesty to their audience are by far the best ones, because they become so much more relatable. Why shouldn't that translate to regular interactions with people? With women?

 

I would argue that comedians are very poor examples. A good number of comedians are self-admittedly pretty f*cked up people with serious issues of their own. And to them, comedy is a business. They aren't doing it to make friends. They are doing it to make money, even if at their own expense.

 

On the contrary, I think covering up your insecurities with a false mask of confidence makes you weak and insecure.

 

Which is exactly what I personally feel the overuse of self-deprecating humor is...

[USMCHokie]

It's about opening up a little bit and allowing her to relate to you through a humorous twist on an event or idiosyncrasy, and maybe inspiring her to express something similar.

 

What's an example of something that would allow her to "relate" to you...? Unless she shares the same idiosyncrasy or attribute, you might get a forced chuckle...or a blank stare...

[whitefire]

I only made the distinction because in my mind, self-deprecating humor targets more permanent attributes. Anecdotes are generally temporal. But we don't need to go into semantics.

 

I think the anecdotes that stand out to us are the ones that are related to our attributes. For example, recently I've been interviewing for jobs, and I suck at interviewing. I've had some in the past month that have gone pretty bad. After a bad interview, at first I would feel like crap, but then I would just laugh at the things I said and realize how the situation as a whole was actually pretty hilarious. Anecdotes like this are funny to me because I've always had some problems with social skills (more so in the past) and trying to live up to certain standards in academics that deep down I hated doing. Those flaws were reflected through that situation, and yet still I laugh at them.

 

I think you misinterpreted what I wrote. I meant to say that with a negative connotation. Those who frequently use self-deprecating humor more often than not are seeking to draw sympathy, whether purposefully or subconsciously.

 

I understand what you said. My point was that trying to fish for sympathy in certain situations doesn't make any sense. Your conscious and subconscious should know that it's not going to benefit you. No doubt that some people always want others to feel pity for them, but making fun of yourself isn't automatically a suggestion for someone to have pity on you.

 

I think it's more about empathy, not sympathy.

 

 

I would argue that comedians are very poor examples. A good number of comedians are self-admittedly pretty f*cked up people with serious issues of their own. And to them, comedy is a business. They aren't doing it to make friends. They are doing it to make money, even if at their own expense.

 

What money? Even ones that are big names aren't rolling in dough, and it took a long time or barely getting by for them to get where they are. They're not doing it for the money. There are much better businesses to get involved in if you're only out for the money. They do it because they enjoy it. It's an art to them. Yeah, they hope to make money from doing it, as any artist would, but that's true for all of us.

 

And many comedians do have personal issues to varying degrees. That's why they're interesting - because of their flaws. You never see a good comedian that's totally confident of himself and has no real issues in his life. But to dismiss them as f'd up doesn't do the good ones justice. The ones that can be truly honest with themselves on stage or through movies/shows they've written are incredibly insightful. By poking at their own flaws and lives, they give us something to relate to. By saying they get up there and use self-deprecating humor make them sound like clowns - total acts.

 

 

Which is exactly what I personally feel the overuse of self-deprecating humor is...

 

Believe me, I'm all for using it in moderation. If someone constantly makes fun of himself, it gets to be too much. But being able to find humor in the world around you and yourself and not hiding it is a strong characteristic.

[Titania22]

I make fun of a lot of things, but above all else I make fun of myself. I find that the most fulfilling kind of humor is the honest kind, where I can take negative or imperfect things I do and bring light to them.

 

A friend told me today that I do this too much around women. He said that self-deprecating humor makes you seem weak and insecure. I disagreed. A guy would make himself seem weak and insecure if he was legitimately feeling bad about himself while making fun of himself. If he talks about his idiosyncrasies or shortcomings and laughs at them, I feel like that shows more confidence than boasting about his strengths, or only pointing his humor at others.

 

Out of curiosity, I browsed this topic a bit, and found a lot of people telling guys to avoid self-deprecating humor around women. I don't really understand this.

 

Anyone have any thoughts?

 

I have been told the same thing. i.e. not to use self deprecating humour when on dates with guys. Personally I love self deprecating humour, but I have noticed that when I use it, generally the guy doesn't get it, and thinks i need reassuring.

 

You could always keep using it, as a way of weeding out women who don't get it.

[Titania22]

I would offer that all self-deprecating humor by its very nature is done out of true dislike for oneself, or a part of oneself. You can believe you are doing it in good spirits, but once you strip away all the layers of denial, you have pure insecurity.

 

 

See I disagree with that. I think it's more showing you have humility. None of us are perfect, we all have flaws, but I would much rather have a laugh at my own expense, then make fun of someone else for a laugh. I think purposely think making fun of others shows the potential for cruelty and a lack of empathy or compassion, but I also think laughing and joking and assessing a potential mates sense of humour is extremely important. So self deprecating humour seem like an easy go to for someone who has a healthy self worth but is also humble.

[whitefire]

What's an example of something that would allow her to "relate" to you...? Unless she shares the same idiosyncrasy or attribute, you might get a forced chuckle...or a blank stare...

 

It doesn't need to be exactly the same, in fact it's better if it isn't. It's better if the other person hasn't experienced exactly what you've experienced, but through your descriptions and clever view on something, the person can see things from your point of view.

 

As far as an example...well take what I said in the last post about me being crappy at finding a job and interviewing for it. Say I tell that to some girl who's never had any problem with interviews. She was always totally qualified and left a great impression that eventually got her the job, but instead she's struggled in some other form of communication like giving speeches to big crowds or something, and my take on my story allows her to view some anecdote she once had in a different light. Or maybe she has no problem whatsoever with communicating, but my story made her think about it and made her put herself in someone else's shoes.

 

And, based on my experiences, if a girl continually gives me a blank stare, then she's boring to talk to anyway. I've met enough that give meaningful responses to not care about the ones that don't get it.

[whitefire]

I have been told the same thing. i.e. not to use self deprecating humour when on dates with guys. Personally I love self deprecating humour, but I have noticed that when I use it, generally the guy doesn't get it, and thinks i need reassuring.

 

You could always keep using it, as a way of weeding out women who don't get it.

 

It might be a little different for women, as I think women can get away with it easier. Men are expected to be impenetrable, which is stupid in my opinion. Women not so much.

 

I can't speak for all guys, but personally I find it cute when a girl makes fun of herself a little bit. It shows humility. I do admit that when a girl does it, I tend to reassure her, though not always.

[Titania22]

 

What money? Even ones that are big names aren't rolling in dough, and it took a long time or barely getting by for them to get where they are.

 

Actually comedians make huge money. It's extremely lucrative. It pays much better then a 9 to 5 job.

[USMCHokie]

As far as an example...well take what I said in the last post about me being crappy at finding a job and interviewing for it. Say I tell that to some girl who's never had any problem with interviews. She was always totally qualified and left a great impression that eventually got her the job, but instead she's struggled in some other form of communication like giving speeches to big crowds or something, and my take on my story allows her to view some anecdote she once had in a different light. Or maybe she has no problem whatsoever with communicating, but my story made her think about it and made her put herself in someone else's shoes.

 

I'm sure you were just providing the gist of an example, or perhaps I put you on the spot, but the above was not funny. But I think it made it a little clearer to me that we are thinking of two different things when it comes to "self-deprecating humor"...you might be thinking more of stories and narratives while I'm thinking nothing more than well-timed one-liners...and I don't expect any reaction beyond riotous laughter...because I'm funny...

 

This probably explains our differing views on the matter.

[Titania22]

It might be a little different for women, as I think women can get away with it easier. Men are expected to be impenetrable, which is stupid in my opinion. Women not so much.

 

I can't speak for all guys, but personally I find it cute when a girl makes fun of herself a little bit. It shows humility. I do admit that when a girl does it, I tend to reassure her, though not always.

 

 

Hey I never said I got away with it, I was also told not to do it, and men have seemed to get confused and thought i was looking for reassurance.

 

Once I came up with i really good one (wish I could remember, the guy totally missed the point but when i used to same thing on my girlfriend she got it immediately (she even lol'd irl).

 

I think i do it because I want the date to be fun, and these days those rare occasions I am actually on a date, it always seems like the guys is more tense and nervous then I am. So my natural instinct is to want to loosen him up, get him to relax. So I tend to just start trying to find something funny to say, and keep searching until I get the laugh. Unfortunately on the way to the laugh, I may inadvertently hit some topics that can come across as insecurity. it's a failing, because I keep forgetting that dates are like job interviews, and the reason they sit over there looking so serious is because they are silently judging and assessing me. Oh well! Maybe I fail at dating, I would rather be me, then them. I would rather have fun and enjoy my experiences. If I was seriously insecure about any of the topics I brought up, then I wouldn't mention them in the first place. And it shouldn't take a genius to work that out, but apparently it does.

[Titania22]

while I'm thinking nothing more than well-timed one-liners...and I don't expect any reaction beyond riotous laughter...because I'm funny...

 

 

Why sarcastic Hokie, not a fan of the well timed one liners.

[USMCHokie]

Why sarcastic Hokie, not a fan of the well timed one liners.

 

I honestly would love to respond to this...but I'm not sure exactly what is being said...

[Taramere]

I make fun of a lot of things, but above all else I make fun of myself. I find that the most fulfilling kind of humor is the honest kind, where I can take negative or imperfect things I do and bring light to them.

 

I like self deprecating humour too. We all have flaws, and it tends to show a bit of self awareness of one's own flaws. Other people either enjoy it and have a similar type of humour....or they say things like "you shouldn't put yourself down".

 

I'm never sure what to make of the latter reaction. Whether it's just that they don't relate to that kind of humour at all, or if it's a deliberate putdown. Either way, it'll be a sticking point for how well I get along with somebody.

 

There can be too much of it though. If somebody is constantly coming out with humorously self deprecating commentary it can start to grate a bit and seem like too much insecurity.

 

In the "man and woman" courtship situation, if there's a great deal of it coming from the man will start to sound like in the most light-hearted way he's listing reasons as to why you shouldn't want to be with him.

 

I would interpret that as a man wanting to be friends but not wanting me to be romantically interested in him - and providing a list of reasons as to why I shouldn't be interested in him, and I would duly lose interest.

[Titania22]

I honestly would love to respond to this...but I'm not sure exactly what is being said...

 

I just didn't get your use of the sarcastic emoticon there. I thought you only responses to well timed one liners were riotous laughter or facepalming if it missed the mark. And definately not reassurance. Reassurance just tells me a man doesn't get when something was said purely for the laugh (regardless of whether it succeeded or failed).

 

Which is why if I managed to say something I thought was funny i will then tell it to friends to, to see if i actually hit the mark or not.

[Titania22]

There can be too much of it though. If somebody is constantly coming out with humorously self deprecating commentary it can start to grate a bit and seem like too much insecurity.

 

I completely agree. Too much of it and then I agree with hokie about the insecurity thing.