Consolidated Discussion - Paying for Dates

[ltjg45]

See you can chose to see it as "entitled" but I disagree. I'm not suggesting he pay for everything from here on out but in the inital first few date phase absolutely. Have you ever not paid for first date with a girl you liked and wanted to keep dating? I've personally never experienced that.

 

On a side note, leaving your wallet in the car is a bit presumptuous. I would always bring my money and offer to pay but never have I ever been expected to do that. It's just the way it is and if you don't follow these social norms then you look clueless. It's not about the money it's about the gesture.

 

And this is why one of the biggest dating mistakes guys make is that you don't go to an semi-expensive restaurant for dinner on the first date.

 

Makes a TON of sense when I read these posts here on this forum.

[skydiveaddict]

So, Ol' Poopsy took this broad out for a first date last week. It wasn't really a full on date, just coffee and a bit of conversation for about an hour.

 

Lol ok, I'll play along. First, never let a "broad" pay for anything if you are interested in her. It makes you look weak and effeminate.

Second, You might start describing her as a lady, or a girl, or a woman. I know you would never call her a broad to her face, but girls have a sixth sense about that stuff. Don't ask me how, but they do.

[skydiveaddict]

Says the grown man who expresses himself by using the acronym "LOL". Next.

 

I wasn't trying to insult you.

[SugarLips72]

I wanted to add I do expect guys to pay for the first couple dates but I try to be a cheap date. I always suggest happy hour. I will get a drink or 2 and maybe an appetizeroff happy hr menu. My part of the bill is usually 10-$15. if i am really not sure on the guy I suggest coffee, short and even cheaper. If a guy doesnt want to pay that, then screw him.

 

BTW Poop, Broad is a really lame term to call a woman, especially your date. A broad usually looks like one, and not a woman and certinly not a lady.

Edited August 22, 2013 by SugarLips72

[Bigcitydreamer]

I can see what you are saying. Clearly this thread proves that many are willing to split the bill. No one said anything about being ungrateful though. Like I said its not about the money or looking for a free ride whatsoever considering I have dated people who make less than I do.. It's just a courtesy thing. By all means if 2 people are ok with splitting the cost of the first date then fine! But my advice still stands for single dudes who want that particular girl!

[Sanman]

If a guy asks me out in the beginning stage, I expect for him to pay for the first couple dates. I do eventually offer to chip in or at least tip. I do not expect a guy to pay 100% all the time but the first few times, yes.

 

I went out with this guy 5 or 6 times and our last dinner I had a groupon to a sushi place so we tried out this new sushi gig. He did make more than me by quite a bit and I'm a single mom to 2 kids, he had no kids. You better believe I am not going to go around paying for dates all the time with kids to support. That is how I feel especially if I know a guy makes a very decent living and does not have a brood to support.

 

So, what if the guy was a single father with 2 kids? Should he be spending his money on you or saving it for other things? Would you offer to pay more in that case?

[miss_jaclynrae]

I am iffy on this.

Yeah, she asked you out.

 

 

Then again, in my mind, it is a ****ing cup of coffee.

[Simon Phoenix]

I can see what you are saying. Clearly this thread proves that many are willing to split the bill. No one said anything about being ungrateful though. Like I said its not about the money or looking for a free ride whatsoever considering I have dated people who make less than I do.. It's just a courtesy thing. By all means if 2 people are ok with splitting the cost of the first date then fine! But my advice still stands for single dudes who want that particular girl!

 

It comes off extremely ungrateful when they expect it. If you expect something, you usually take it for granted and aren't appreciative of it. That reeks of entitlement and entitlement irritates me. I just hate it when people expect to have things handed to them and don't appreciate the gifts that are given to them. I have no problem with people enjoying getting paid for -- it's a nice thing. But entitlement and the lack of appreciation that some show in these threads rubs me the wrong way.

[Bigcitydreamer]

But how can one be considered extremely ungrateful when it comes to a coffee? If months down the road that same girl who assumed a male would pay for the date( due to her past experiences with dates), looks back fondly on how charming he was when they first met so then decides to purchase him a guitar or some other nice gift for his bday, would she still be considered an ungrateful freeloader?

 

What harm can paying for the date cause?

[Simon Phoenix]

But how can one be considered extremely ungrateful when it comes to a coffee? If months down the road that same girl who assumed a male would pay for the date( due to her past experiences with dates), looks back fondly on how charming he was when they first met so then decides to purchase him a guitar or some other nice gift for his bday, would she still be considered an ungrateful freeloader?

 

What harm can paying for the date cause?

 

I don't think you have a concept of what I'm saying at all.

[SugarLips72]

BTW Poop I'm not offended by the term broad, I just think its weird you would call your date that.

[aussietigerwolf]

Is this real?

 

If you want a second date, pay for her coffee. Pay for dinner on the next date too.

 

I'm kind of surprised she came back after leaving to get her wallet, actually.

 

no way... I'm not having him pay and then have the expectation that I owe him anything... not on a first meeting anyway.

[Simon Phoenix]

It's amazing how different American women are with Europeans and Australians on this topic. It's an interesting dynamic.

[Bigcitydreamer]

I don't think you have a concept of what I'm saying at all.

 

I was just explaining why I don't think it makes a woman ungrateful to expect a guy to pay for the first date, which is your argument.

 

I also think telling men to pay for the first date is great advice.

[ltjg45]

I was just explaining why I don't think it makes a woman ungrateful to expect a guy to pay for the first date, which is your argument.

 

I also think telling men to pay for the first date is great advice.

 

I follow this rule: Whoever asks the other person out should pay on the first date.

 

So if I were to be asked out, then she finds something in me that is so special that she would break social expectations just to do so. While I won't show up with no cash in my pocket for the date just-in-case because I'm quite grateful for basically everything these days (sometimes I wonder why I'm still alive after all I went through), I would show up to see just what she really sees in me that even I can't see myself.

[Els]

Whoa, I left for an hour and it's at page 5 already?

 

Think I'm gonna lose the bet.

 

Maybe I'll use the alert button when it hits page 10...

[Simon Phoenix]

I was just explaining why I don't think it makes a woman ungrateful to expect a guy to pay for the first date, which is your argument.

 

I also think telling men to pay for the first date is great advice.

 

It wasn't a very good argument. I would much rather you offer me to pay for your part and me reject that heartfelt offer in date one than for you to get me a guitar or some nicknack for my birthday well down the road. I don't need you to buy my love and you shouldn't want me to buy yours.

 

I'm not advising men against paying for the first date -- I'm advising women to actually appreciate it and not feel it's their birthright because they have a vagina. I'm advising you to look at a lot more than what he's packing in his wallet and how he spends what's in his wallet. I'm advising you to even say thank you. It's amazing how many women don't even do that because they feel it's what they are owed.

 

The attitude of "why shouldn't you pay?" just rubs me the wrong way. I don't mind paying at all, but I hate it when people think they are owed it because of what they were born in to. Just like waiters complaining about how people tip is like nails on a chalkboard to me even though I tip well. Then again, I always told my parents thank you when they made a meal or took me out for a meal when I was younger and they were legally obligated to do so, so I'm probably a lot more annoyed than most men by the attitude that some women display toward this subject matter.

[Simon Phoenix]

That's why a first date should always be drinks. I buy the first round, she buys the second. Easy.

 

I think this is a great way to look at it. Every successful relationship I've had has had a give-and-take like this from the start.

[soccerrprp]

Communication, communication, communication.

 

The OP and the date screwed-up for assuming. New to dating, regardless of what form, know that many, if not most, woman have traditional expectations involving who pays. And, if you are smart, you (the guy) should be prepared and anticipate paying even if it is just a "meet-up" to have coffee or drinks (hopefully not alcohol, which is a terrible idea considering you may both be driving).

 

You put your best foot forward. Balking and being in an awkward position like the OP's is not the best foot forward anyone is looking for...

 

Eh, I guess it's b/c I'm a traditionalist in this regard. Haven't been burned on it yet. Always put in 100% on a date, otherwise why bother... Good luck Poops McFarts!

[soccerrprp]

It's amazing how different American women are with Europeans and Australians on this topic. It's an interesting dynamic.

 

I thought that too. I wonder why the difference?

[Bigcitydreamer]

...and the above is what men need to avoid at all costs, a narrow attitude that "it's all about the woman," the need to "earn points with her for generosity," the "courtship presumption" from women that have been treated favorably in school admission and work promotion. That kind of thinking is the past, and starting off in that dynamic is the short road to a bad bet for anything other than misery for men dating.

 

Seriously, I can't fathom that women who presumably work or have worked in a job can claim that "it's only a cup of coffee." Right here elsewhere in this latest exchange, we have a woman saying her part of the bill is likely to be "$10-15" as if that's the only date the man may pay for that month (and today, that's a cheap date). We all know that subsequent dates tend to cost more. We all know that in the age of OLD that a man may end up paying for dates 1-3 for a few women a month. We all know that if a man doesn't pay for dates 1-3 that many women will slander him within that dating pool as cheap. We all can do the math and see that this money adds up quickly to potentially hundreds a month or thousands a year.

 

Yet in post after post from the privileged attitudes out there, it's "just a single cup of coffee." It's impossible in my mind that someone who has worked for a living and done any amount of dating in any capacity could honestly make that claim with a straight face, so the conclusion is that it's a knowing, privileged response.

 

These threads have finally convinced me. I'm done buying anything for any woman anywhere until there's a relationship in place. If I get a whiff of slander in the air afterwards, I'm going to slander them right back as gold-digging princesses, which if they expect equality yet to be paid for by men, that's exactly what they are.

 

This thread was titled "first date. Who pays?"

 

No one is talking about 1-3 months of paying for crap.

 

Go ahead and refuse to pay for the first date for all of the entitled princesses out there. Good luck in the dating world with that attitude!

 

Not everything has to point to some deep underlying issue. If a dude asks a girl to go on a date than he should pay. I'm not sure how I feel if a girl is the one to ask. Maybe she could pay. But still a lot of you guys are angry and wrong in your assumptions that because a girl has her first date paid for she is a gold digger

[crude]

 

 

Not everything has to point to some deep underlying issue. If a dude asks a girl to go on a date than he should pay. I'm not sure how I feel if a girl is the one to ask. Maybe she could pay. But still a lot of you guys are angry and wrong in your assumptions that because a girl has her first date paid for she is a gold digger

Amazing how you're certain with all your heart that if the man asks, he pays. So simple. Buy if the woman asks, she COULD pay, but you're not so certain. Why on earth can't she pay? You've been well trained Fido...I mean Bigcitydreamer.

[Bigcitydreamer]

I don't know how I feel about a woman asking a man out because quite frankly I haven't even thought about that. Getting bored explaining and clarifying myself on this topic. It is what it is and most of society seems to agree with my contrary to what the users on LS are saying, since I have never paid for or split a first date. Did this mean I didn't bring my wallet? Does this mean that I am certain he will pay and expect it? No it doesn't. I always bring my purse and always offer to pay! Every time in fact! But I have never had to. Usually the guy grabs the check in a low key way or I offer and he states "don't be silly I asked you out so the least I can do is pay for your drinks".

 

And where in this thread did I say a man MUST pay regardless of financial situation or other factors? I didn't. I recommended to the men reading his to pay for the first date if you want to continue seeing her. It's a recommendation and a damn good one.

 

Ok let's put it into perspective: I'm 25, and I'm not a serial dater. I've spent a lot of my life single. But I have gone on a nice few first dates. Maybe about 25? I dunno. On every single one of those dates I did not pay for. Did I ever assume it would be paid for and leave my wallet in the car? No way. But still my experiences with dates has brought me to the "expectation" but not a guarantee the guy will pay. I fail to see how this makes me ungrateful. It would be ungrateful if I went into the date with the attitude "you must pay for my time and I don't appreciate that you are buying me a meal".

 

I recently went on a date with a cute guy that I liked. We went out for drinks. It was the first date. We were out for 2 hours. While I went to the bathroom he got the bill off the waiter and paid for it within 3 minutes flat.

 

When I came out of the bathroom I realized what he had done and I offered to fix up with him and pay my share. He told me not to be ridiculous and he was happy to buy me drinks. So I thanked him and I genuinely felt like he had a good time and he was a classy guy. How does that breed entitlement or an unappreciative attitude?

 

This is something we will just have to disagree on. This topic is over 2000 posts long so clearly it's a hard issue to resolve. In my opinion some traditions are nice. The fact is generally men still make more than women. Men also still generally ask women out. So then why wouldn't it be a nice gesture for the man to treat a lady like a lady on their first encounter?

 

As I have stated in many many posts by myself, I recommend if a guy likes a girl to pay for her first date. Why? Who cares. All I know are my own experiences and I know that it makes me feel nice to be treated. So I can't see the harm in paying for the first date.

[Sanman]

So, how many pages until it got folded into the master thread, 5 or 6? Who's the winner?

[Bigcitydreamer]

Ok your right. Men- if you wanna land that gf I suggest you don't pay for the date. That way you can guarantee you aren't with a gold digger.

 

None of the reasons I mentioned: the man asking for the date, the man usually making more money, making a girl feel good, showing a romantic generous side, none of these reasons are worth the $30.

 

Me here, a double major (business admin and RN) who is considered somewhat feminist by my friends and family, am wrong to suggest that a man treat a woman on their first date. It's an archaic principle and I must be soooo behind the times. I'm also a gold digger who is after a man to pay for my life..

 

So please, listen to these men who have women alllll figured out!

 

Seriously though.. There is nothing wrong with a man wanting to court a woman. Women like it and if pleasing a woman is your plan then I see no harm in it.