zoe1983 Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 I see a ton of posts on here about who should pay for what on dates and such so I figured I would ask for some opinions on my situation since everyone seems to love talking about the topic lol! My boyfriend and I have been together for about 6 months. We are both employed full time and take care of our own bills. I have a bachelors degree and he is almost done with his associates degree. I make about a fourth of what he makes and thats where things get tricky. I would never want to be a gold digger or come across that way but it is hard to plan activities and such when our budgets are so completely different. For example...we want to go to an amusement park. I want to buy the basic tickets because they are what I can afford. He wants to buy the VIP tickets that let you cut in line on rides. They are about 35 dollars extra. I cannot afford this and I told him that. He then offered to pay for mine but this makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't want him to feel like he has to foot more of the bill just because he makes more money but at the same time I don't want him to not be able to get what he wants because I cannot afford to pay for it on my own. This is just one example but I guess I am just wondering on how money should work in a serious relationship when one makes so much more than the other? Also, I have always made more than my boyfriends in the past so this is new to me and I admit that my ego is a bit involved too.
Pierre Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 If you were my GF you would pay nothing. So with me it would be much worse. If you have these thoughts then the two of you do not have enough emotional intimacy. You cannot go dutch when he vastly makes more than you do. 2
firehawk_1 Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 (edited) Pay for your own. its that simple. if you say you arent a gold digger then prove it. Edited May 18, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author zoe1983 Posted May 18, 2012 Author Posted May 18, 2012 it doesn't seem very fair to expect him to pay for all of my stuff...I am his girlfriend, not his child....
Author zoe1983 Posted May 18, 2012 Author Posted May 18, 2012 I stated in my original thread that I was planning on paying for my own and have no problem doing so please don't make assumptions. However, i can only afford the cheaper ticket so you think it is better to just tell my boyfriend he cant have the VIP ticket he wants?
soserious1 Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 I stated in my original thread that I was planning on paying for my own and have no problem doing so please don't make assumptions. However, i can only afford the cheaper ticket so you think it is better to just tell my boyfriend he cant have the VIP ticket he wants? Accept his offer but only if he'll take the money you'd planned to spend on your basic ticket. Also consider making & packing sandwiches & cold drinks for you both to bring along. Alternatively, accept his offer of a ticket & use the money you'd have spent to treat you both to food & drink in the park. That way you will be contributing to fully to the date. Nobody gets used, everybody has a good time. 1
KathyM Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 I don't believe in a tit for tat relationship, everything paid for equally, etc. Too businesslike of a relationship IMO. I believe both partners should contribute to the dating relationship. I think when you make the plans, you pay for the date. When he makes the plans, he pays for it. In the situation of the amusement park, he offered to pay for the extra cost for the VIP ticket. You should have let him do that. He wanted to do that, he offered to do that. You should have let him do that.
Author zoe1983 Posted May 18, 2012 Author Posted May 18, 2012 I had planned on paying for the price of the cheaper ticket but when he offered to pay he said he would take care of the tickets and I could just pay for the food or whatever for the day. That is fine with me and seems like a good compromise but the trip to the amusment park is actually just one day of a 6 day vacation that we are taking together. So I am sure that there will be many such situations that arise during the trip. I don't want to have to spend my entire time worrying about money and I also don't want him resenting the fact that he isn't getting to do everything he wants because I can't afford to do it all too.
soserious1 Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 I had planned on paying for the price of the cheaper ticket but when he offered to pay he said he would take care of the tickets and I could just pay for the food or whatever for the day. That is fine with me and seems like a good compromise but the trip to the amusment park is actually just one day of a 6 day vacation that we are taking together. So I am sure that there will be many such situations that arise during the trip. I don't want to have to spend my entire time worrying about money and I also don't want him resenting the fact that he isn't getting to do everything he wants because I can't afford to do it all too. Then sit down with him & TALK about your concerns beforehand in exactly the same calm, respectful way you've done here. Come up with a plan that will be affordable & enjoyable for you both. 2
mtber75 Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 tell him straight out that you don't want VIP tickets and that you feel uncomfortable that he pays your way. If he's a good bf, he'll understand.
Pierre Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 I had planned on paying for the price of the cheaper ticket but when he offered to pay he said he would take care of the tickets and I could just pay for the food or whatever for the day. That is fine with me and seems like a good compromise but the trip to the amusment park is actually just one day of a 6 day vacation that we are taking together. So I am sure that there will be many such situations that arise during the trip. I don't want to have to spend my entire time worrying about money and I also don't want him resenting the fact that he isn't getting to do everything he wants because I can't afford to do it all too. You guys are a very young couple and I do not see emotional intimacy. This concept of keeping score about who pays what is highly unromantic. Committed couples don't have those issues and the money is communal. 1
Author zoe1983 Posted May 18, 2012 Author Posted May 18, 2012 I don't totally disagree with you Pierre BUT I feel like its easier for me to say that because I am the one that makes so much less.
FitChick Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 If I offered someone I loved a gift and he refused it, I would be insulted. You have one or more beliefs about being unworthy which you need to eliminate.
Almond_Joy Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 Zoe, I struggled with this same problem also, as my bf makes more than me, we have been together about the same amount of time as you and your bf, and we also live separately (I'm assuming you two live separately from your description). I was advised by a few here the same that you've been advised by soserious. I talked to my boyfriend and don't worry about it anymore. If he wants to do things that cost more and is willing to cover part of the expense that you can't afford so that you enjoy these things with him, it's ok to let him do that. He could have chosen to only do what you can afford to equally contribute to if he was concerned about spending extra money. But he didn't because he doesn't mind. And if he doesn't mind, neither should you. You can contribute to the experience in other ways, as your boyfriend pointed out. I recommend, as soserious did, that you two sit down and talk about all the things you want to do on the trip. Compare the cost for all those things to how much you can contribute, and leave it to him to decide if he wants to make up the difference. That's a good starting point. Do not feel guilty.
Almond_Joy Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 You guys are a very young couple and I do not see emotional intimacy. This concept of keeping score about who pays what is highly unromantic. Committed couples don't have those issues and the money is communal. Sorry, but I'm compelled to comment: Committed couples do have these issues. If both parties want to be self-sufficient, disparities in income is a topic that needs to be examined and discussed so a mutual undestanding can be reached. It may not be a romantic discussion, but it's necessary to determine financial compatibility. If anything, I think not talking about it is a sign of lack of intimacy.
Scottdmw Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 I usually make a lot more than the women I date, so this comes up for me. Honestly, I don't mind at all spending significantly more money, as long as the woman contributes in other ways and is making the same effort in the relationship I am. The way I see it, a relationship should not be even in terms of dollar value, it should be even in terms of effort for the people involved. If he treats you to a nice day at the park, try to do something nice for him that doesn't involve money, or at least not much money. Scott
Pierre Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 Sorry, but I'm compelled to comment: Committed couples do have these issues. If both parties want to be self-sufficient, disparities in income is a topic that needs to be examined and discussed so a mutual undestanding can be reached. It may not be a romantic discussion, but it's necessary to determine financial compatibility. If anything, I think not talking about it is a sign of lack of intimacy. Sorry, but if couples must keep score of who pays what they are not really a deeply connected couple. Furthermore, there is implied distrust in the relationship when someone keeps score or someone feels offended by paying for the other. The selfishness of some folks makes it impossible to reach a state of communal property in a relationship. 1
Almond_Joy Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 (edited) Sorry, but if couples must keep score of who pays what they are not really a deeply connected couple. Furthermore, there is implied distrust in the relationship when someone keeps score or someone feels offended by paying for the other. The selfishness of some folks makes it impossible to reach a state of communal property in a relationship. How is trying to stay within her spending limits distrustful? Knowing how much disposable income you have and spending only within the limits of that disposable income is being responsible, not selfish. "Keeping score" would be a maintaining a running tally of the dollar amount he spends to cover expenses for her, and mentioning the disparity between her contributions and his every time they have an outing or make a purchase. I'm guessing that Zoe's not doing that. She doesn't have to keep score to know that her bf's discretionary spending budget is larger than her own. Also, I didn't see where Zoe indicated that she is offended by her bf's offer. She feels bad that she can't contribute equally financially which is entirely different. You mentioned in an earlier post that were you in this scenario you wouldn't have the woman pay anything. Is that the standard mode of operation for you in relationships, meaning that you expect to cover your gf's expenses on outings all the time, regardless of where you're going, what you're doing or whether she can contribute to the costs? Also, are you saying that all discretionary money of both parties in a couple should be communal, or all money period? What if they don't live together? Edited May 18, 2012 by Almond_Joy
FitChick Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 If one person is happy to pay for the other, there is no problem so why create drama? If the OP is bothered by generosity, there are plenty of cheapskates on LS she could date.
Author zoe1983 Posted May 18, 2012 Author Posted May 18, 2012 Its not that I am bothered by his generosity. I am just concerned that over time my boyfriend might begin to resent me because he is not able to do certain things without either paying my way as well or doing it alone and feeling bad that I am not with him. I know that money is one of the major things couples fight about and I want us to be able to hash it out now. Also I guess its kind of hard for me to talk about because it kind of hurts my ego that I make so much less. He says he doesn't care and I believe him but he is kind of cheap so I know he is paying attention to what he spends, even though he doesnt say anything to me about it.
pteromom Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 I agree with the poster who brought up EFFORT. One of the things he brings to the relationship is more money. What do you bring? As long as you are both giving what you have to offer, it balances out. You are only a "gold digger" if it is all about TAKING and never about GIVING.
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