Lexii94 Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 Facts you stated: 1) She is nervous about sex 2) She gets angry when you talk about sex 3) Whenever you go further sexually, she "freaks out" 4) She doesnt like her parents 5) When she talks about her past sexual experiences it seems off 6) She doesnt let you even see her bottomless 7) You are a douche to think it is better that is is a rape/molest victim I think she was raped or molested. She shows all the signs in black and white. You have to be stupid to not see it...then again....
Els Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 It's an interesting culture when so many people immediately jump on the asexual/rape/molest bandwagon when a 19-y-o girl is hesitant about sex. Perhaps one that I am glad I was not raised in. :/ 1
Author JaySonM Posted May 17, 2012 Author Posted May 17, 2012 Another possibility: Poor guy I know how he feels
Author JaySonM Posted May 17, 2012 Author Posted May 17, 2012 It's an interesting culture when so many people immediately jump on the asexual/rape/molest bandwagon when a 19-y-o girl is hesitant about sex. Perhaps one that I am glad I was not raised in. :/ THANK you. I mean maybe she is maybe she is not. I'm not sure how to bring that up, but yeah welcome to America, bro.
garycoleman Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 I didn't read the whole thread but did she at least let you touch her boobs and her privates? did she at least give you a hand job?
Eddie Edirol Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 best advice. I'll try that. I've noticed that they dont, they just accept. But my gf doesnt talk nor accept. Your best bet is to warm her up, but without the intention of sex, but just for the intention of getting her to relax and open up with you. Stop bringing up sex, in fact, dont ever bring it up again since she wont talk. Right now, if she has some kind of hangup, everytime you touch her, she is probably thinking that sex is all youre thinking about, and it might make her anxious. So let her come to you, let her initiate making out, dont go for her pants for a while, and use body language to let her know that youre not only thinking about sex. Thats the only way she will relax. She has to think you dont NEED sex.
Quiet Storm Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 It's an interesting culture when so many people immediately jump on the asexual/rape/molest bandwagon when a 19-y-o girl is hesitant about sex. Perhaps one that I am glad I was not raised in. :/ In the US 1 in 6 boys and 1 in 4 girls have been sexually molested, so it is a very real possibilty. It's not that she is hesitant about sex that has me suspecting sexual abuse, it's that she is disgusted by it. OP, I wish you the best and hope that you can get your girlfriend to open up. However, her issues may be deep and she may need long term counseling to get to the bottom of this. You have been patient and although she may have a valid reason for this behavior, you have needs, too. You are making an effort to get her to open up, and she has to make an effort, too. Your needs are valid and should not be minimized because of her issues.
Els Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 In the US 1 in 6 boys and 1 in 4 girls have been sexually molested, so it is a very real possibilty. It's not that she is hesitant about sex that has me suspecting sexual abuse, it's that she is disgusted by it. OP, I wish you the best and hope that you can get your girlfriend to open up. However, her issues may be deep and she may need long term counseling to get to the bottom of this. You have been patient and although she may have a valid reason for this behavior, you have needs, too. You are making an effort to get her to open up, and she has to make an effort, too. Your needs are valid and should not be minimized because of her issues. See, that's the thing, I don't think she has 'issues'. If she was 30 or maybe even 25, possibly. But most of the teenage girls I used to know in my youth were 'afraid' of sex, and them pushing away out of hesitancy could be seen as 'disgust' by a young man. It's just something that people open up to with time and good experience and patience, IMO. Sure, it's possible that she -was- abused, but it seems a long stretch to assume that that's necessarily the root of it. She could just be.. well, a normal teenage girl. I understand the USA might be different but I think there is a lot of variation there as well.
dasein Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 In the US 1 in 6 boys and 1 in 4 girls have been sexually molested, so it is a very real possibilty. The above is most certainly -not- the case and is a product of shoddy statistics, mostly conducted by interview where "any time you had sex and regretted it later" counts as "sexual abuse" among many other methodological flaws.
Author JaySonM Posted May 17, 2012 Author Posted May 17, 2012 I didn't read the whole thread but did she at least let you touch her boobs and her privates? did she at least give you a hand job? Yes, No, and forget about it.
Author JaySonM Posted May 17, 2012 Author Posted May 17, 2012 See, that's the thing, I don't think she has 'issues'. If she was 30 or maybe even 25, possibly. But most of the teenage girls I used to know in my youth were 'afraid' of sex, and them pushing away out of hesitancy could be seen as 'disgust' by a young man. It's just something that people open up to with time and good experience and patience, IMO. Sure, it's possible that she -was- abused, but it seems a long stretch to assume that that's necessarily the root of it. She could just be.. well, a normal teenage girl. I understand the USA might be different but I think there is a lot of variation there as well. Teenage girls in America are not at all afraid of sex for the most part. I just have a rare one. Now that I think about it.... Her parents are foreign, so it could be a culture thing.
Author JaySonM Posted May 17, 2012 Author Posted May 17, 2012 Your best bet is to warm her up, but without the intention of sex, but just for the intention of getting her to relax and open up with you. Stop bringing up sex, in fact, dont ever bring it up again since she wont talk. Right now, if she has some kind of hangup, everytime you touch her, she is probably thinking that sex is all youre thinking about, and it might make her anxious. So let her come to you, let her initiate making out, dont go for her pants for a while, and use body language to let her know that youre not only thinking about sex. Thats the only way she will relax. She has to think you dont NEED sex. That's really good advice, thanks. Because she was a lot more open in the beginning of the relationship when sex wasn't even on the agenda.
Pierre Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 Teenage girls in America are not at all afraid of sex for the most part. I just have a rare one. Now that I think about it.... Her parents are foreign, so it could be a culture thing. Not all 19 year old girls are veterans. You still find plenty of virgins in their 20s. Furthermore, some women take a bit longer to feel secure to have intercourse and perhaps your constant pressuring is detrimental. The fact that a girl is a virgin at 19 means nothing. She may end up to be more sexual and a beter lover than another woman that has f****ed a few dozen boys by age 19. I think it is unfortunate she is being judged so harshly by you. You want intercourse and yet you have not even fingered her to make her somewhat comfortable. As someone else said she is anxious about your constant desires fro penetration. Why don't you relax and let things happen. In the mean time if all you want is intercourse go and date a woman that puts out right away. 1
Els Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 Teenage girls in America are not at all afraid of sex for the most part. I just have a rare one. Now that I think about it.... Her parents are foreign, so it could be a culture thing. Could definitely be a culture thing if her upbringing is traditional.
pteromom Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 The MAIN THING is that she has to be able to talk about it. You don't have much of a relationship if she won't tell you WHY she doesn't want to have sex yet. 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 This is a whole lot of debate for something that's pretty simple, she doesn't seem into this guy enough to be intimate with him...she probably can't imagine even having sex with this guy. And that's why she stops him and avoids the subject, she doesn't want to talk about it, what is there to talk about? "Oh hey, I think you're a great friend/companion and since I'm still butt ass hurt from the last guy I was banging you're going to be my emotional crutch and I'm going to live this relationship for me, not for you" And I hate to tell ya Jay, but you're not the smoothest guy in the world If you're just gunning for the panties, that's just typical and to be expected, I know you want to get in but take a lesson from the older guys and at least pretend you want something more (all these older guys that get in with the younger girl)...plus she'll think she's just mature, intelligent and all that jazz even though If an older guy wanted that he'd be with someone closer to his age! At any rate, common sense is not the order of the day for most people, you're only going to find out the truth..as painful as it is, Is by actually getting her to talk about it...yes Jay, the magical secret to a woman's pants isn't forceful entry "Oh c'mon, please!" It's actually talking to her and have that to do that crazy thing called listening and caring about what she has to say...I know, pretty hard stuff. But really, I know she's been defensive and avoiding the topic...which can only be something very bad or very private. Bottom line is communication and trust is what would have won the day, not being a pushy guy. Granted you're young and still learning a lot, and you've done something that I wouldn't be able to do...wait 10 mons for sex. But I'm not sure If It's because you're a good guy or just a douchey little punk that's invested so much at this point and she's so hot that you've just got to get it in at this point...not after all this "work" (just being honest with you Jay, you don't have to like me for it)...but I don't hold much against you, you're a young and It's to be expected. She doesn't either trust telling you the real reason or like I said, she just isn't into you. If she was a virgin then I'd say it was trust, but otherwise It would take something pretty profoundly tragic and traumatic to affect her in this way..which considering that most women go through these similar experiences, a lot of them even experiencing some sort of sexual violation or rape in their life times...I haven't noticed it preventing them from being intimate with men..sure it causes them some psychological issues, but unless this was pretty recent I don't see it as a credible reality at least the chances would be extremely slim. I doubt it's something out of the box, or her parents since it didn't stop her before, unless you forgot to mention something crucial in this post.
Pierre Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 The MAIN THING is that she has to be able to talk about it. You don't have much of a relationship if she won't tell you WHY she doesn't want to have sex yet. Obviously OP does not have a solid emotional connection with the GF. That is why she will not talk to him.
Cypress25 Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 First of all, let me just say that I don't think it's unusual for a 19-year-old girl to be cautious about sex. I know people think all teenagers are sex fiends, but it's not true. She's still quite young and fairly inexperienced. She may have lied about having sex before. Unfortunately, we live in a society that shames virgins, and many of them feel they have to lie about it. It's also possible that she really has had sex before and it was a bad experience. If your first time is painful or unpleasant, it's hard to get over it and try again. Nobody wants to relive a bad sexual experience. I think she was raped or molested. She shows all the signs in black and white. You have to be stupid to not see it This is another possibility. I'm inclined to think something traumatic happened to her, since she always tries to avoid the topic of sex. Getting angry when you bring it up, quickly changing the subject, not willing to talk about it...there's something troubling her, that's for sure. I hope you ignore everyone who has told you to just break up with her because she's using you or she's a lesbian or she's asexual, etc. That's ridiculous. Not all 19-year-old girls are ready for sex, that's all. It has nothing to do with you and it probably has nothing to do with how long you've been together. I dated my college boyfriend for 2.5 years and I was crazy in love with him, but we never had sex because I wasn't ready. He knew I loved him and we did other stuff in bed, but it was my first serious relationship so we took things really slow in the beginning. I don't have a history of trauma or abuse, but even I wasn't ready for sex at age 20. It wasn't a matter of not being horny (I was) or not being attracted to my boyfriend (I was). But emotionally, I wasn't ready for sex, so I waited. I know it must be frustrating for you, but please try not to take it personally. 2
Author JaySonM Posted May 17, 2012 Author Posted May 17, 2012 The MAIN THING is that she has to be able to talk about it. You don't have much of a relationship if she won't tell you WHY she doesn't want to have sex yet. I'm curious as to why she is that way about sex. I'm going to meet up with her at 8 at her dorm to help her pack. I can talk to her then
Author JaySonM Posted May 17, 2012 Author Posted May 17, 2012 First of all, let me just say that I don't think it's unusual for a 19-year-old girl to be cautious about sex. I know people think all teenagers are sex fiends, but it's not true. She's still quite young and fairly inexperienced. She may have lied about having sex before. Unfortunately, we live in a society that shames virgins, and many of them feel they have to lie about it. It's also possible that she really has had sex before and it was a bad experience. If your first time is painful or unpleasant, it's hard to get over it and try again. Nobody wants to relive a bad sexual experience. This is another possibility. I'm inclined to think something traumatic happened to her, since she always tries to avoid the topic of sex. Getting angry when you bring it up, quickly changing the subject, not willing to talk about it...there's something troubling her, that's for sure. I hope you ignore everyone who has told you to just break up with her because she's using you or she's a lesbian or she's asexual, etc. That's ridiculous. Not all 19-year-old girls are ready for sex, that's all. It has nothing to do with you and it probably has nothing to do with how long you've been together. I dated my college boyfriend for 2.5 years and I was crazy in love with him, but we never had sex because I wasn't ready. He knew I loved him and we did other stuff in bed, but it was my first serious relationship so we took things really slow in the beginning. I don't have a history of trauma or abuse, but even I wasn't ready for sex at age 20. It wasn't a matter of not being horny (I was) or not being attracted to my boyfriend (I was). But emotionally, I wasn't ready for sex, so I waited. I know it must be frustrating for you, but please try not to take it personally. Nah, I'm not going to break up with her because of that. Hmmm, its good to see different perspectives. That good be the case with my gf, but I'm not sure. I have to talk to her indirectly about how she feels.
Quiet Storm Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 The above is most certainly -not- the case and is a product of shoddy statistics, mostly conducted by interview where "any time you had sex and regretted it later" counts as "sexual abuse" among many other methodological flaws. I disagree. How do you know that this is not the case? Because it didn't happen to you? Because you THINK that you don't know anyone that it happened to? Incest and child sex abuse is America's biggest secret. Nobody talks about it and the people that have not been abused can't imagine the prevalence. It is not a new thing, it has always existed and perpetuates. Some say nearly 75% is committed by family members. Many of the addicts and alcoholics in this country have been affected by child sex abuse. Mental disorders often stem from it. My sister has Borderline Personality Disorder from being raped at age 5. My good friend was molested by her friend's 17 year old brother at age 7 (my kids don't do sleepovers). My male cousin was raped by a priest at 10. And all this occurred in Maryland, not out in the backwoods somewhere. It may not have happened to you, but you know people that have been abused, they just don't share that information with you. It happens everywhere and has no racial, religious or cultural barriers. It is a very serious issue in this country that is often minimized because the people that are unaffected can't fathom it, and the people that are affected are embarrassed and ashamed about it. 3
FrustratedStandards Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 She's not attracted to you physically. Sorry dude. I once dated a guy for almost as long and we never had sex. I stuck around because he was amazing, but I couldn't have sex with him.
FrustratedStandards Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 This is a whole lot of debate for something that's pretty simple, she doesn't seem into this guy enough to be intimate with him...she probably can't imagine even having sex with this guy. And that's why she stops him and avoids the subject, she doesn't want to talk about it, what is there to talk about? "Oh hey, I think you're a great friend/companion and since I'm still butt ass hurt from the last guy I was banging you're going to be my emotional crutch and I'm going to live this relationship for me, not for you" Finally! A man who is smart enough to realize the obvious!
dbave Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/317510-my-25-year-old-virgin-gf http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/321234-broke-up-my-25-year-old-virgin-gf Here are two URLs to some of the problems I had with sex in a previous relationship. Difference is my girl is a virgin and older and we were only in a relationship for 2 months. In common between us is we both pushed for sex but didn't get any. Its been a month and a half since I broke up with her. I actually broke up 1 week before her birth control pill was gonna kick in and she promised sex. Though I don't like games and didn't like the lack of trust and constant distance. I waited a a couple of weeks before going back on eHarmony to make sure any emotions I had were gone. Met a beautiful girl, went into a closed relationship with her, we trust each other and have lots of sex. I know you don't want to give up on your relationship and all. Don't worry though, breakups happen and is a part of life. There are other girls out there that will make you much more happy. Remember relationships are suppose to go both ways of making compromises. Your sacrificing a lot for her, when is she gonna give you what you want? BUT If you still want to maintain a relationship with her but want to show her what your abstinence is like do the following. Don't make out with her or touch her intimately. Peck kisses and hugs. If she doesn't make the connection of what your doing and starts playing games then you know this relationship will end in a divorce 5 years from now.
dasein Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 I disagree. How do you know that this is not the case? Because it didn't happen to you? Because you THINK that you don't know anyone that it happened to? I know because I have looked into the inflammatory, extremely exaggerated statistics behind the massive government/academic/feminist "abuse" industry. If you are going to offer such stats and expect them to be taken at face value without backup, you are being socially irresponsible.
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