Breakups suck. Why do we wake up so clearly when we're not in one?

[Tree_Salmon]

The first three years of my relationship were incredible.

How is it that we lose our way?

 

It's like you know that things are starting to go wrong at some point but you can pull yourself out of it long enough to see what the trouble is.

 

I guess it's learned with age and experience.

I'm a bit regretful that I see everything so clearly now and know i could have probably kept this going for many more years.

[ladyabstrused]

I know what you mean. My 4.5 year relationship just ended. It got bad at about the 2.5 year mark. Now we're both hurt and messed up. When I ask him this question, why does he still keep going and wanting to be with me despite still feeling hurt by me (as I am not meeting up to his expectations or needs), he says it's cos he loves me.

 

That's what confuses me. He loves me. He's hurt by me. He wants me around. But then when I'm around he's unhappy. :\

 

So you got out after 3 years? Was it recent? How are you coping? Or how have you been coping?

[Tree_Salmon]

I should have gotten out after 3 years to get my stuff together and possibly save it but it was 5. The last 2 being a bad idea.

 

Here's the details:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/325519-her-rebound-going-last-there-any-hope-left

 

From my experiences I think this will just end up hurting you. Sounds like he doesn't really love you as much as he thinks. He may just not want anyone else to have you or to be alone. Some guys are afraid of going into the dating game again. I know i was reluctant to go.

[ladyabstrused]

Wow. I read your thread, and wow.

 

I cannot imagine going through all that. I'm glad you're better now and at least you are here now and not still hung up in such a crazy relationship!

 

Hmm, you say some guys are afraid. So it is a possibility then. But he said that he loves me and thats the reason why he didn't or couldn't let go of me.

[Tree_Salmon]

Sometimes guys say stuff they don't understand. He may love the feeling he gets when a pretty girl loves him but if he really loved you this would be going smoothly right now.

 

You have to judge this by the bottom line.

 

Bottom Line: You are at Loveshack because this wasn't working and will not work.

 

If this was meant to be you wouldn't be here right now.

Its a harsh reality but its the only truth there is.

[ladyabstrused]

Yeah, true. We have to take what we went through as learning experiences at least. That's the only way we can grow and make other things work in the future.

 

Sure is a painful reality.

[WongHua]

I'm on the other side of that, I just broke up with my partner of around 2 years. The problems started a bit after our 1 year, he couldn't commit 100% to the relationship because of things he had to deal with/get out of his system. I know we should've stopped right there, but we kept going. We hurt eachother, and now realized we didn't want to make it worse and possibly end things badly, so we just stopped.

 

I read this article that relates, and basically it says that this happens because somewhere along the way you stop being what the other person wanted (subconsciously most of the time). But you're stuck because of attachment and emotions. And this leads to hurt and resentment. So in order for the relationship to actually work, some huge change has to occur for you to again be the person your partner fell in love with and wanted. And rarely can one accomplish this while still being in the relationship entangled in raw emotions.

 

It made sense to me, since sometimes when we're in a relationship we grow at different rates, and for things to work the person left behind needs to grow so that they're on the same page again. At least that's my opinion of why it might be that you're in such a happy relationship and then it all goes to hell and doesn't even make sense why... I hope it helps you guys like it helped me.

[ladyabstrused]

I'm on the other side of that, I just broke up with my partner of around 2 years. The problems started a bit after our 1 year, he couldn't commit 100% to the relationship because of things he had to deal with/get out of his system. I know we should've stopped right there, but we kept going. We hurt eachother, and now realized we didn't want to make it worse and possibly end things badly, so we just stopped.

 

I read this article that relates, and basically it says that this happens because somewhere along the way you stop being what the other person wanted (subconsciously most of the time). But you're stuck because of attachment and emotions. And this leads to hurt and resentment. So in order for the relationship to actually work, some huge change has to occur for you to again be the person your partner fell in love with and wanted. And rarely can one accomplish this while still being in the relationship entangled in raw emotions.

 

It made sense to me, since sometimes when we're in a relationship we grow at different rates, and for things to work the person left behind needs to grow so that they're on the same page again. At least that's my opinion of why it might be that you're in such a happy relationship and then it all goes to hell and doesn't even make sense why... I hope it helps you guys like it helped me.

 

That makes total sense and I think that's exactly what happened in my relationship too.