Is her rebound going to last? Is there any hope left?

[Tree_Salmon]

The last time I've been to a site like this was 7 years ago after my first big breakup so here goes.

 

I'll try to keep the last 5 years as short as possible.

So I met this beautiful girl after taking a year to myself and having been fed up with girls. At that time in my life I was making my way through college and in the best shape and mind set. Having been through a breakup from a 4 year relationship i felt like I could take on anything.

 

So I met this great girl but she clearly had no experience in relationships even at 22 and she was strangely sheltered from her culture. I had the superman complex and she was beautiful so i gave her a shot. She was a gamer chick, she was very loving, extremely loyal and was madly in love with me--Things that I never really had consistently from a girl before.

 

It took me six months to call her my girlfriend because I had been really hurt by the previous one and wanted this one to be "the one". She was a bit jelous because i had many female friends and I was a very social person in the media field but i didnt mind because she knew I would never do anything.

 

Long story short, we became very close. We explored places, traveled to conventions all the time, did the whole gamer thing together, spent insane mounts of time together(which i know now may not have been the best) she was the perfect woman except for the fact that she always had to answer to her super religious family. She broke free of the religion while with me but I always felt it stewing. Her controlling mother would prevent her from hanging out with me after 9pm, she would have to be careful with her actions and so on. One time i even tried to get her to move in with me (after 2 years) and it turned into a giant battle where I became the bad guy. Her mother had a huge influence in many of her actions, and although her mother really liked me she didnt want her to be with me. Regardless of the control, her and I had a very fulfilling relationship and a great sex life. We were both very cool people and the idea was that eventually things would progress.

 

I began making movies on my way out of college. I made a feature that while working 3 part time jobs and going to school and I was at my greatest most inspired state in life. I was the man and she was the "woman behind the man" as many called it. But by our third year she started becoming very jelous and possessive of me. Which started to push me away. I gave her more time when she wanted it but I had a huge amount of responsibility everywhere else in life. She was a bit of a lazy person, dropped out of college, worked crap jobs that she would be fired from, when i asked what she wanted to do in life her answer was "ummm i dunno to have a family" which seemed very naive to me and would have been fine if she had maintained the same love for me she had initially. Mind you she was 24 at this point and I felt like I was dating a 16 year old.

 

I can go on for days about all the red flags i started seeing along the way... from the cold behavior, to the nagging, to forbidding me from talking to women, not being as compromising, and even bringing up marriage and children along with religion in a negative way. And then ultimately she began lying to me about looking elsewhere for a different kind of guy. At the end of our 3rd year she left me seemingly out of nowhere and turned her whole family against me. What seemed like the perfect relationship was now just one big mess.

 

Having been through this before, I left and tried to move on quickly like i did in my last one. A few weeks later she came back saying im the only guy shes ever met like me and she cant be without me. This sounded a bit like desperation but we DID have a huge connection like ive never felt before so I took her back. We decided to try again. This time she was way more assertive and angry, like a naggy wife. We talked about the heavy issues and I began to change for the relationship to work but she was only becoming more bitter and angry.

Another long story short she ended up cheating on me by the end of the 4th year with some loser at work. She only admitted to it after i brought up details i heard from people and then she blamed me for it. I dropped her and moved on for 3 months.

 

She came back and begged me at my job, home, etc to take her back. Sadly, at this point my life had calmed down and bit and i was 28 and feeling like i needed to settle down and start thinking about a family. This was strange because my personality is such that I would never take back a cheater, but here i was. So I took her back. We made plans again, things were different but the same. We spent the next year (our 5th) in a power struggle where one would be angry at the other and so on. We had 3 mini breakups and i was getting really tired of her bi-polar attitude.

 

It all came to a head last decemeber. For the longest time she was begging me to get her pregnant as if it would fix everythign. Stupidly, I would take chances without a condom because I did love her and I felt if i got her out of that house she could grow and change into what i wanted. As ridiculous as that sounds to me now. So we had a huge pregnancy scare that month. Weve had them before but this one was different, she was losing it.

It went from "i want your baby" to "life just got too real and I dont know where this relationship is going" on a daily basis. So i swore to myself that if she wasn't pregnant i was going to leave her for good.

 

When she found out she wasn't pregnant I left her. I told her shes unstable and I have no idea what shes thinking. I am an open book, I made myself clear at all times and talked about every problem we ever had. She could never express her feelings "my family isnt like yours, we dont talk". Not to mention they were all on depression and anxiety medication. In the end I felt like a million bucks when i left. I felt lied to, manipulated for years and like i had wasted my last 2 years on this person when there were so many other girls who wanted to be with me.

 

So i went into the dating scene after a month and realized it sucks just as bad. But that's another topic for another forum. I really missed what her and I were originally like. She had a great personality and I loved her more than Ive ever thought i could love a person but it just seemed like poison. So a month later she came to my new job and tried again. This was March. She baked for me, kissed me, and swore that if i took her back thins would be like theyve never been. I was skeptical because i had done this about 8 times by now. So i told her "I dont trust that you know what you want from life." and things of that nature. But i told her that i would slowly work on this with her. She didnt like the sound of this and assumed i was brushing her off. Shortly after, I left for LA to do some film stuff. She begged me not to meet any girls there or forget her. I told her I wasnt scouting for women in life. 30 seconds before my plane left, she texted me a paragraph about "dealing with a big family issue and I will be gone for a week but i want you to know i love you and not dont give up on me" to which i was very confused. I wanted her to be able to tell me family issues.

A week later i was back from LA and she was gone.

 

Another silent week went by and I recieved a text message from her saying "We need a clean cut" I already knew the entire situation from that one text. I told her "i already know what your going to write so save your breath and just leave me alone from now on" to which she blew up and started calling me "shorty" and then "my boyfriend is here with me, wanna talk to him. hes the best so F you" and other horrible things. I was angered so i replied "i hope he knows you were having sex with me 2 weeks ago" which was true. And of course she denied it because he was around. But i got a hold of myself and told her "I really hope youre happy" and that was the last thing i said to her. Later that night, when she was probably alone, she texted me "im so sorry for calling you those names. and im sorry for everything. everything. i hope one day we can talk again". I ignored it.

 

Weeks passed and It was now settling in that I had lost this once and for all. There would be no more work visits or begging or her trying to fix it. It hit me hard because i loved her a ton but I knew it was for the best. Then one saturday night I received at phone call and 8 text messages at 5am. Allegedly she had received a call from an unknown number and assumed it was me. Mind you she was out partying at 5am, something unheard of during our time together. Her messages were mean and angry "dont call me, my boyfriend is no joke. I love him and he is my everything, i know happiness again" and "dont call my girlfriend!" as well as "here is my new number (new number) dont you dare call it!" and " the emotional abuse stops now!" and finally "dont **** with my army boyfriend hell **** you up".

 

When i woke up to this garbage i was enraged but I did the right thing by blocking her on every possible avenue of communication. Messengers, calling programs, all 4 phone numbers she ever had, her families phone. I was disgusted and hurt. It really messed me up for the next few weeks. I thought about everything that had happened int he last 5 years and I began to change my way of thinking.

 

I'm currently a better person than I've ever been, im stronger and wiser and i see all my faults but in my heart i still think and care about her. This kills me. I feel like she doesn't deserve it. and for all our messed up times i feel like she was the closest thing to "soul mate" i have ever felt with anyone. I've been in three serious relationships all lasting longer than 2 years, but ive never felt this strongly for anyone. Now it has been 2 weeks since those texts and I feel like I'm not recovering as quickly as I should be. I'm accepting everything but I still feel like it maybe could have worked if I had the mindset i do today.

 

ive changed a great deal since we spoke last but now i think "shes in love with some new guy". My question is is this guy a rebound? or could she have found exactly what she wants. I always assumed she would jump onto another guy who she thinks she can turn into that man. The guy who will take care of her all the time while she sits on her ass.

 

I refuse to believe that she went from loving and wanting me one week and then "finding happiness" the following week. unless this guy has been in the background making his move for a long time.

 

I keep expecting her to come back but i force myself to get out of that head space. its not realistic. it may not even be a good thing at all to want her. But i love her, very deeply. Is this guy just a place holder? I can see her marrying him very quickly and forcing kids. That's the type of crazy she can turn into at times. I loved even that part of her but the idea of her moving on with some new guy kills me because i always figured it would work.

 

In any case I would like to hear what people think of this and any suggestions you guys have. I have been staying strong and improving myself since this all went down in December. My career is better than ever, I'm becoming very successful and smarter than ever. I face my old habits and faults now instead of running from them. Im becoming a great person, i just regret not being this strong the last two years, i might have been able to shape the course of our relationship.

 

Should i have hope? Is he a rebound? Will she try again?

I can already tell what kind of answers ill get from a story like this because I would probably give the same advice. But i cant imagine my life without this girl. The connection i had with her was more intense than anything I've ever felt.

 

I thank anyone who had the patience to sit through this entire thing. trust me it could have been days longer if i got into the details.

Edited May 9, 2012 by Tree_Salmon

[Chi townD]

This chicks is a complete nut job. And who cares if the dude is a rebound or not. It's sad to say that his sole existance in her life is to give her the opportunity to rub him in your face. Glad that you cut off all routes of communication with her. I could have seen her sending pics of her with this guy in....ummm...intimate postions just to be mean. I mean, the crap was escalating in that direction.

 

She made her choice. Move on dude. You don't need all of that.

[Tree_Salmon]

Everyone in her life seems to agree with you. I didn't care if she was crazy but maybe I should have.

It's weird, we had a crazy connection that never needed to be forced. I miss that. Dating is such crap nowadays.

[Chi townD]

Then don't date. It's okay to be single for a while. And usually you meet the RIGHT person you're supposed to be with when you least expect it.

[Tree_Salmon]

That's what bothers me. She just showed up in my life one day. I wasn't looking for anything and it was great. But I'm five years older now. My priorities have changed slightly. It's a mind game I'm playing with myself im sure.

[tornangel]

She is trying to make u jealous. But it doesnt matter. she is crazy and immature, and has no idea what she wants in life other than to control a man , any man.

[Svet74]

Ok I normally don't even read posts this. Long but I'm just gonna make this fast and simple. Mentally your messed up from her and second I understand giving someone a second chance after they cheat on you but giving her 8 chances ? By this point uh yeah I would be giving up too. She has no respect for you because you kept taking her back so soon. Fucck why not make her wait a damn year! So she really realized what she lost. Your a fool! By this point she is not gonna change. That's how messed up she is. Wow

[tornangel]

My ex cheated on me 8 times too, ughhh. but we split up so much who is even counted. Uggh , who was more pathetic, me or him.

[MissBrunette84]

If she broke up with rebound guy would you want her back? After so many times before would you still want to try again?

[Tree_Salmon]

I would probably tell someone in the same situation not to take her back. And had this been any of my previous relationships I would have never taken any of them back (and I didn't) but right now I'm still hurting so I think I would at the very least speak with her again.

This whole thing has really changed my life but that doesn't mean I will blindly fly into something painful again.

 

As of right now I would probably talk to her if she made the effort to get in contact but its only been a few weeks. I'm already used to the pain and it will slowly start to dissipate.

 

Also, she only cheated on me the one time in the relationship and then she got with this guy now. I'm sure there was allot of emotional cheating. But the reasons we broke up so many times was because she was inconstant with her feelings. She had no power over anything in her life, the little bit of power she did have was the power to end our relationship. I think she sabotaged us purposely to feel some sort of life. Family life really did a number on her.

[MissBrunette84]

Don't worry, I'm not be judgemental or anything, just curious as I'm in a soloist situation where my ex breaks up with me over and over again because he changes his mind contantly. Although this last time he said he wouldn't mess me around anymore but we'll see.

 

Maybe although your hurting time might be the best thing as like me an my ex you don't want to continue the vicious cycle that it turns into.

 

If she leaves him maybe try from scratch and be friends for a while?

[Tree_Salmon]

Our love was pretty intense i don't know if we'd be capable of remaining friends as easily as the other people i've dated. It was one of those "if were both in the same room at the same time its going to get sexual real quick" deals.

 

But I am feeling much better already. I don't want to believe that shes "found happiness" so quickly after begging me to take her back. I guess i don't like the idea of her love for me being some sick mind game she played with herself. I thought it was really genuine.

[MissBrunette84]

I'm on this via my iPhone and it keeps autocorrecting words lol so I apologise.

 

That's the same as me and my ex, absolutely useless being in the same room together because we can't be neutral. But I've done this break up/make up thing more times than I remember now, it's boardering ridiculous. I think as hard as it is we need to be friends now for a while just to try and fix things from the bottom up. I am not deluding myself that he might not love me anymore and that's all it would be but it's better than hating each other and throwing 4 years away Though right now I'm on no contact until I can feel I can do the friends thing.

 

So it could be a way of keeping communication lines open? it's a difficult situation cause only she knows what she feels deep down for this other man

[Tree_Salmon]

She was pretty dramatic so I don't know what she could be thinking at this point. I have the feeling I will never see or hear from her again. But everyone seems to think "she's too crazy to leave you alone".

 

I think we're all crazy to some extent. I love a bit of crazy myself. So maybe it's not so bad to hear that.

[MissBrunette84]

Lol I agree everyone is a tiny bit unhinged.

 

I think maybe play it by ear and see how it plays out with this other guy, time will tell how serious it is

[Tree_Salmon]

I'm making the assumption hes "serious" because she must have told her family about him. She kept me a secret for the last 2 years of our relationship because she didn't want them to know we got back together. So if she told her family about this guy it's probably an added pressure for them to work out.

 

So, I doubt I'll hear from her. She has to now make this guy a success in front of her family. This is more reason for me to just let go. I think the next thing I'll see is her getting married in a year, probably very rushed. This will just confirm what I've always assumed would happen if we ever broke up.

 

I really hope I'm wrong and she realizes some things about her life and comes back to me but this is completely unrealistic and the world is too messed up to make this kind of sense.

[MissBrunette84]

Your situation sounds so similar to mine, he kept me a secret for the last year he's been making up his mind because of how his family view me.

 

I hope she comes to her senses but then if Shes a little impulsive she might jump in too quick with this guy.

 

Man relationships are difficult.

[Tree_Salmon]

The only thing that bothers me is i feel like I'm getting older and It's getting harder to find girls with those cool personalities.

Women in their 30's have either been married already, have a kid, or are too damaged/jaded. I know from experience.

 

The dating scene in NY is littered with "chip on shoulder" women who think they are gods gift to the world, or the ultra clingy types. Nobody knows how to take it easy anymore. Its almost impossible to be attracted to most of them.

 

I've stopped looking.

[MissBrunette84]

I can understand that. I'm from the UK and the British women are probably not that different. My partner was 5. Years younger than me which I'm sure is half the problem with us as he maybe wants to see what else is outthere at 22 since I met him when he was 18. I am probably not as mature as I should be at 27 so we did get on well, now I'm dreading dating and getting out there finding an older guy that's not been married etc.. So I feel you.

 

part of me wishes my ex would wise up like you do but it's wishful thinking I guess

[FizzyGirl]

It sounds like she may be mentally unstable. There still needs to be some respect. This is supposedly a girl you loved, and a girl you care about. If she's not doing too well in life, there's a reason for it.

 

Regardless, she cheated on you, and you moved on. Keep moving on. You'll never be able to trust her, and it's definitely over. Or at least it should be. Wish her well with her new boyfriend and forget about getting back with her. She's in a relationship now so respect it, and leave them be. You did share something good, but it's gone and it won't be coming back. Learn from it, and keep going forward.

 

The only thing that bothers me is i feel like I'm getting older and It's getting harder to find girls with those cool personalities.

Women in their 30's have either been married already, have a kid, or are too damaged/jaded. I know from experience.

 

The dating scene in NY is littered with "chip on shoulder" women who think they are gods gift to the world, or the ultra clingy types. Nobody knows how to take it easy anymore. Its almost impossible to be attracted to most of them.

 

I've stopped looking.

 

You deserve happiness. There are LOADS of single women in their 30s and they're not 'too damaged/jaded'. That attitude is not going to help you get anywhere. If the only women you meet are women you aren't getting on with, then you're doing something wrong.

 

By all means, stop looking. Just relax and be happy. But don't close yourself off. You need to take it easy!

[Tree_Salmon]

It sounds like she may be mentally unstable. There still needs to be some respect. This is supposedly a girl you loved, and a girl you care about. If she's not doing too well in life, there's a reason for it.

 

Regardless, she cheated on you, and you moved on. Keep moving on. You'll never be able to trust her, and it's definitely over. Or at least it should be. Wish her well with her new boyfriend and forget about getting back with her. She's in a relationship now so respect it, and leave them be. You did share something good, but it's gone and it won't be coming back. Learn from it, and keep going forward.

 

 

 

You deserve happiness. There are LOADS of single women in their 30s and they're not 'too damaged/jaded'. That attitude is not going to help you get anywhere. If the only women you meet are women you aren't getting on with, then you're doing something wrong.

 

By all means, stop looking. Just relax and be happy. But don't close yourself off. You need to take it easy!

 

This is all true

[Tree_Salmon]

I think a big part of me is still curious and hopeful that she'll show up like always. but I don't think i would be on this forum if i didn't feel it in my gut that she wont.

 

I'm still curious about how long a rebound can last if the girl is convincing herself that she loves the new guy. I think that the second she had to deal with the horrendous stuff I'm dealing with right now she freaked out and jumped on the next one.

 

Some say it'll catch up with her and hit her hard but I'm more skeptical. I think people can transfer their pain and dissolve it through that kind of thing. I remember getting over my first love with a friend of mine. I was over her in 3 months. Maybe this will be the same for her.

 

What hurts the most is feeling like I was just a stepping stone on the way to something else. I thought our relationship was way too awesome and intense to ever get this way. But there it is.

 

I hope i have a better one eventually.

[favoritepills]

Dude. Just stay away from the crazy girl. She's drama.

[Tree_Salmon]

Almost a month now.

Different emotions every day but now its mostly aggravation when thinking about loving again.

 

Feels like a waste of time.

[lovinglife21]

It's ok to be wary of dating for a while. It's only been a month, learn to know yourself again and then when you are happy someone will come along

 

xx