danm Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 I bought a house with my now ex. We aren't married, 2 year relationship and have been friends since school (14 years of knowing her). We recently separated and just fell totally out of love as we argued and disagreed too much. Basically, we still live together. Separate rooms. Separate meals. She spends a lot more time out the house that I do really (seeing her friends/gym/family/going out). We also are decorating asap in order to sell up and part ways in the next few months. We aren't hostile, just passing ships. For the first week after we separated, I didn't see her once. She stayed elsewhere (friends/family 95% sure). After 7 days, she came home for one evening only to get very dressed up and headed for a night out with a work female. Jealous as I was, I asked her afterwards if there was already a new guy on the scene. She admitted she got a little friendly with someone, but it was none of my business; she could do as she pleases, and that was that. I was pretty hurt, so soon after. My friends said that very was cold of her; and she is perhaps trying to just make herself feel wanted/make me jealous/just enjoying herself. For me, that incident closed all doors of hope in getting back together in the future. Now, weeks later, she has spent perhaps 6 nights in a month at our house. I've spent my time decorating, seeing friends and went out for a few dates with a new girl. She knows I have been going out, but assumes it is always with friends. I never tell more than I need to; as she has done. But lately I have been returning home at very early hours. I was asked directly this morning 'Are you seeing someone else?'. I told her it was just friends, but was told 'You know you don't have to lie to me!?'. I agreed, and said yes. I was seeing someone. But I am not saying anything more. She looked shocked and destroyed. I think she had hoped I was suffering somewhat, but I am actually happier than I ever was with her. I am indeed seeing someone else; and it is getting more serious. I've been respectful in that I haven't shared photos/messages/calls with her on facebook/in our house. I take walks if I need to speak with her, and have not brought her home. The new girl understands completely. This is going to be complex for the next few months for sure, but I'd like to ask what sort of ground rules need to be set? She's had girlfriends round the house, girls who encouraged her to ditch me. That was awkward for me to greet them at the door to say the least. I personally think that is unfair, as I can't exactly bring my new girl home. Would it be harsh to bring the new girl over just for dvds/dinner when I know my ex will be away? Or do I have to keep her away until we sell? It's hard because she seems to openly want me to see her going out all the time, I can only assume she is trying to make me jealous. She stays away a lot, and when she does come home, it is to change and go out. Ridiculous. Any help would be most appreciated! Thankyou!
irin Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 okay if you want a future relationship, or hoping to go somewhere with your new girl, id say keep her away and don't talk much about your ex, and move as quickly as you can, this can bring jealousy issues, later on if you get serious with her. so id advise not take her home, your ex hasnt invited guys over so no need make things more awkward keep it civilised and get rid of the house. and move on! unless you want your ex back, after reading your post was mostly about your ex.
bean1 Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 I have to admit, most level-headed girls would have run very fast from this. I would be wary of a girl who would date a guy still living with his ex. 2
Author danm Posted May 17, 2012 Author Posted May 17, 2012 Very true in that I was mentioning the ex a lot. I just want to ensure things don't get messy as I try and move on with my own life and own priorities that will not include her. We have the same circle of friends, so you can imagine how hard things could get if it all went nasty with jealousy etc. I don't want my new relationship to be strained because I am treading around constantly, but appreciate advice of massive DO's and DONT's. The new girl, coincidently, was in the same situation as me last year. She had a rented place with a guy, had a deposit for a new house together all ready, but separated and had to share their space (painfully) before the contract ended. She understands my situation as she has been there exactly as I am now. So I don't feel the wary factor is as necessary - we're both grown up enough to have loved and lived a little already.
LittlePrince Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 You can't rent somewhere temporary to take her back to? It could be your home away from home.
Oxy Moronovich Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 Why the hell would you buy a house with this chick?
RiverRunning Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 I have to admit, most level-headed girls would have run very fast from this. I would be wary of a girl who would date a guy still living with his ex. Exactly. After going through something much more minor, I'd bail as soon as I heard, "I still live with my ex...we're transitioning...we're selling our house...she's moving out/I'm moving out..." I wouldn't believe it. The fact that these two are both still expressing jealousy over each other (him asking her if she's seeing someone else and being concerned about how quickly she's moving on - and she's doing the same thing to him) doesn't bode well for a new relationship. Honestly, I sort of pity the new girl coming into this - she probably has no idea what she's in for. You don't have any family/friends you could have stayed with? She apparently had other people around - why couldn't she stay with others until you could sell the house? I find it questionable that two people have broken up and would rather both stay in the house than at least one move out for a few months with family/friends (surely there's someone on either side who could help?). I wouldn't want to see my ex, period, even if we had a place to sell. I'd keep communication minimal, distant and reserved solely for selling the house, not asking if she's banging somebody else yet. I think you need to keep your distance from the new girl until you have all of this sorted out with your ex. No, I wouldn't dream of inviting her over to the house you share with your ex (WTF?). That's just bad karma! And it's something she won't forget. No one wants to be the immediate follow-up to a break-up, especially one where both ex-partners are still concerned about who has moved on first. She may have experienced the same thing, but if you've got any options, I think you need to bail on the house for a little while. 1
make me believe Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 Wow, I will NEVER understand why people think it's a good idea to buy property with somebody they are just dating, no matter how "serious" it is. This is a prime example... Honestly if I was this new girl, I would have run as soon as you said that you still live with your ex. Why are you and your ex still getting so jealous of the other one moving on? If that is the case, then you should NOT be involving another girl in all of this. Wait until you are completely over your ex (and out of the house you share) before beginning a new relationship. This new girl is crazy to get involved with someone who not only still lives with his ex, but also expresses jealousy over her moving on and dating others. Why can't one of you stay with a friend or family member while you guys prepare to sell the house?
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