lilypad04 Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 Hey guys, I haven't posted here before but wanted some input and was hoping you could help. I've been married to my husband for almost 3 years and we have a daughter who is 2 1/2 years old. After half a year I was thinking of breaking up with him because while he was a good guy and nice to me i had reservations about the relationship and wanting to be with him. It came down to the fact that he was very emotionally reserved, not very affectionate except with rough housing type play or tickling, i wanted to travel and he didn't, and a lot of things i felt were important were not to him (like giving gifts on special days or ever which i equate to being thoughtful…and no i don't expect expensive gifts at all). However, around the 6 month mark i found out i was pregnant and when i told him he was so excited that i thought maybe that meant things would get better. I know I shouldn't of assumed he'd change into the guy I wanted but he was trying harder to show me he loved me. He told me love was hard for him because he had to be vulnerable and he had a hard childhood so i could understand. There was no real proposal and we got married in the courthouse. At the time I told myself that was fine and it was. I really don't need very glamourous things. However, I am a romantic and wish for a lover that gives me the emotional connection, intimacy, and affection i need. However, after the baby was born, instead of helping me he just sat around playing world of warcraft all day when he wasn't at work. In hindsight, he had a skin condition then called eczema or something (never actually diagnosed it) and it caused his whole body to be itching and develop rashes pretty bad. I was supportive of him the whole time and tried not to nag to much and id help him put lotion on his skin to make it feel better. However, he continued to block me and my daughter out and even when his skin got better he continued to. I confronted him repeatedly about the situation but despite him acknowledging what i said he kept blocking us out. He says now, because i want to leave him, that he is sorry for that but he didn't realize what he was doing and had no control over it because of how much pain he was in and thats how he dealt with it. We are both in the military and since we got married we have moved and i have deployed so we have had a lot going on. I felt like I was alone in most of what was happening in our lives and dealing with a new baby made it harder considering i had to take care of most everything else on my own too because he was in his own world. I had told him a few months before I left that if things didn't get better i was going to eventually give up and asked for marriage counseling but he said we didn't have time. During my deployment after I would barely ever hear from him I was tired and ready to divorce so i told him so. However, because you can't start a divorce easily when your deployed it was more of an ultimatum if he didn't change. However, when i got back the hurt, resentment, and anger had settled in so much that it didn't really matter what he did to change. Truth is he has changed a bit as he has stopped playing video games except for sometimes and he is more involved with our daughter. But when i was gone he did some remodeling i asked him to wait on because he wanted to do it so he chose not to listen and i caught him lying to me about parties and trips he was taking and found out that he had been a bit inappropriate with some girls (no evidence he actually cheated just cuddling and dancing and flirting). So while he did change somethings, others overshadowed them. And even now our house is a wreck because I've been gone so much and i don't know where to start and he doesn't really help besides if i tell him to do something. I want nothing more then to love and be loved and to have a good husband and father for my child and to have the sort of relationship I've always wanted and to be happy. I do want this to work and I've bought tons of books and tried to change my thinking because he tells me we are getting divorced because i won't try. I go back and forth in my thinking because despite wanting to move on i don't want my daughter to lose the family life she has now because I'm not going to follow him around while he's in the military (I'm getting out). I thought maybe he was right and its my fault and i should try to make this work but things keep happening that make me realize I'm making the right choice. For example, we can't ever talk things out and solve problems and their is no communication. He says he doesn't know how to show affection or love except to our daughter (probably doesn't help that I've become rather mean to him lately). And yesterday to get our dog out of the flowerbeds he picked him up and threw him a good 4 feet out of them onto concrete. I got mad and said it was animal abuse but he insists its not and that was to shock his system and teach him a lesson not to do it again. I was mad because our daughter shouldn't have been there to see that regardless. But all our arguments are the same because if i try to address problems in our marriage or what it would take for me to stay he makes excuses or makes me feel like I'm delusional and making things out to be bigger then they are. I guess the bottom line is I'm wavering. I want to be able to find happiness and divorce but i feel guilt and i don't want to leave him and have to share joint custody with him therefore losing my child months at a time (because we will live states away). I know i have some fault into why as of late he may not feel like being the best husband. And overall he has never hit me or talked bad about me to anyone and he's been supportive of me in my endeavors. I just don't know that that is enough with everything that has happened. Should I just let go or should i try to change my thinking and try to give him a chance to really change and give me what i want? I just know that if I decide to stay its going to be a long hard road because on top of me having to get over a lot of hurt and anger he has to face his childhood problems hindering him from communicating with me and showing me love and affection and learn how to be a good husband and father.
Squishy_Belle Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 It sounds like he has been looking for a lot of excuses to justify why he is the way he is but if he is aware that there are issues instead of finding excuses he really should be getting the help he needs or atleast try marriage counceling and work with you together as a married couple. Communication is soooo important and when once has it and the other doesn't it will always be hard. After i left my stbxh we started communicating more about our issues and stuff. It was weird how when we were together we couldnt but now that we are apart we can. Leaving was hard but i feel so much happier now. I have my bad days and i do sometimes miss him but that is no life your living and i find that even though im not 100% for divorce i believe if it isnt working and you have tried then there is no reason to stay. And please don't stay because you have a kid together. I know it isnt easy but my sister has been in an unhappy relationship for 12years because she got pregnant. She regrets staying. She grew up without her real dad but my dad has been an awesome dad to her. I think you need to see what is best for all of you. If both of you are unhappy is there really any point in putting yourself through this pain?
Steen719 Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 You have so many issues to be married such a short time. It sounds like an uphill battle to me. Your H needs therapy for his issues. Just for me, if I had seen my H throw an innocent dog 4 feet onto the concrete, in front of my child or not, he would either get some help immediately or I would be gone. In my eyes, that is cruel and indicative of his anger issues and his inability to deal with them. Next time, it might be your 2 year old or you. I think animal cruelty indicates some pathology in an individual that is not pretty or healthy, lilypad. I don't know if anyone else here would agree with me, but it doesn't matter. 27 years as a social worker tells me that he is disturbed and you need to determine what needs to be done soon. Good luck.
analystfromhell Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 Are you both still enlisted and are there more deployments coming soon? Marriage and the military don't mix- sure you know that- and esp when both spouses are in. Was he in combat arms- because well you know stuff happens and it affects you for a long time and can be perceived as "normal" based on other things you've seen or had to do while not be acceptable in normal society. Sounds like a lot of unhappiness and resentment... If you're not deployed- maybe some therapy esp for your husband might help- and not chaplain therapy- real therapy to help grow up and control himself better. It doesn't seem clear to me that the three of you aren't going through the stuff nearly every family goes through with the back to back deployments, crappy living conditions and inconsistent communications. It's not all pilots, blonde housewives and two smiling children with 4bar cell phones and video conferences in the real world. Shared therapy is completely the way to go though if it comes to that- but in a way which makes it easy on the kid (easier said than done). Kids need both parents esp preschool ones but better separate homes than an unhappy home.
Yasuandio Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 You have so many issues to be married such a short time. It sounds like an uphill battle to me. Your H needs therapy for his issues. Just for me, if I had seen my H throw an innocent dog 4 feet onto the concrete, in front of my child or not, he would either get some help immediately or I would be gone. In my eyes, that is cruel and indicative of his anger issues and his inability to deal with them. Next time, it might be your 2 year old or you. I think animal cruelty indicates some pathology in an individual that is not pretty or healthy, lilypad. I don't know if anyone else here would agree with me, but it doesn't matter. 27 years as a social worker tells me that he is disturbed and you need to determine what needs to be done soon. Good luck. This particular post rings so true. I certainly would take this advice careful consideration. I think it is possible, by the details of your story, that there is a more serious problem that may account for this conduct. I will tell you, (perhaps I am too sensitive), chills went through my body when I read about the family dog - as if "my system was shocked." of course you know the dog does not learn a lesson in that manner. Oh dear. Good luck, honey. And thank you for your service to our Country. Yas
Author lilypad04 Posted May 25, 2012 Author Posted May 25, 2012 Hello again, Thanks for all the replies, i thought id get a notification if someone posted but i didn't so i assumed no one responded till i checked. No more deployments for us. I'm out in August, I was supposed to go on one but thankfully it got cancelled. I don't mind serving but hate being away from my baby. For him, he has never deployed after 6 years due to luck that anytime he had to the shop needed him or he had an injury (no fault of his own, but no PTSD). I know I haven't been the best of wives lately, i have been pretty mean lately because I'm so fed up with everything. It helps to hear others perspectives because we are in a small town and i don't know many people that i can really talk to. We have tried marriage counseling but he's so wrapped up in his excuses and his world that a lot of what he says either is what he would like to believe (like he is happy or loves me...though i guess thats true if he's happy with the arragnment) or are really good excuses (like the pain from the disease) and they seem to buy it and i just feel like I'm left looking stupid. Or they look at us like oh god, they will never work, for the exact reason... that we have so many issues for only being married a short time. I would have left him the second he treated our dog that way, and i talked to him about it (he agreed to disagree saying it was normal and not wrong), but i really don't have any proof he is an unfit father so i feel its best i maintain as amicable divorce as i can. i just think that if he was going to change, he would, and there would be no excuses. I get a hell of a guilt trip for wanting to leave, like I'm the one that is wrong, but he still sits and plays video games all night instead of trying to really talk to me. He fixes small things, but refuses to budge on others (like really talking to me) that i have asked for so many times. Basically thank you all for your comments, it means a lot to me and helps me not feel like I'm completely crazy. To bad everything is left up to perspective...i have a wonderful family of in laws that will hate me after this soley because i "gave up on him". When in reality i know i tried my hardest and supported him and gave him patience as long as i could. By the way, if a father is indeed unfit? How do you go about proving that? Seems to me that unless he's on drugs, there is physical evidence, or something like that its really hard. I don't really want to take my daughter from him but even his parents (and sisters who have lived with us) agree that he doesn't take care of her as he should (no i don't think they'd ever testify). Just curious...thanks again!
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