Does anyone else just NOT want sex...ever?

[frozensprouts]

OP,

i think I can understand where you may be coming from. You sound like you really are very tired and are doing more than your fair share around the house as well. Being a teacher, do you also bring your work home with you for the evenings as well? Then when you have a problem, your husband lashes out at you for bringing it up ( and knowing your family history, there is no excuse for him doing this)...

 

and you expect yourself to want to have sex with him?

 

I'm not saying he's a bad guy, rather it sounds more like the two of you aren't connecting here. You two need to address the issue, if it is going to improve. It sounds like you two would benefit from having some counseling as that you could discuss your issues ( and any issues he feels he has as well)...

 

best of luck to you

[soserious1]

Sorry I feel asleep last night before responding to you 2sunny

 

Okay, first of all, I doubt I can ask for more money from the ex husband. He has pretty consistently paid more than child support, such as helping with tuition and kids allowances on top of child support.

 

 

Okay, your Ex is paying more than the state mandated child support amount ( which is pretty hefty in most states) for two kids and both you and your spouse are working.

 

It seems to me that some fiscal downsizing of family expenses might mean that you or hubby could change jobs to hours more conductive to family life and physical intimacy between you two.

 

Also, you have teenagers, the first place they should be "running to" after school is to home.. where they can participate in activities called "chores" there is no reason teenagers can't do their own laundry, clean their own rooms & take turns doing things such as scrubbing a bathroom, vacuuming, mopping a floor, doing dishes etc. Older teens can help with grocery shopping, meal planning & cooking.

[Frootloop]

Yes I agree that the teenagers should be doing more to help. That's something I plan to work on immediately. That's something that can easily be changed.

 

Fiscal downsizing obviously needs to happen as well to reduce some of the stress, although that is something that will take a bit to work out.

 

I think some of you are putting the cart before the horse here. You are making thE assumption that my husband quit helping me out because I lost my sex drive. It was actually VERY MUCH the other way around. He has never helped much and we had a lot of sex for the first 6 years. I finally got tired of being exhausted. That's all that changed.

 

Yes, my ex does pay a lot more than the state mandated minimum in child support. Even if he only paid the minimum, this is a problem between me and my husband, and I find it strange that people are jumping to the conclusion that he's not doing enough or that he should pay for domestic help so I'll want more sex with my current husband. That seems to be odd reasoning.

 

I also find it odd that so many people feel like sex is an entitlement, but not a more equitable division of household chores. Like sex is expected just because you happen to be married, even of one partner does very little to contribute.

Edited May 17, 2012 by Frootloop
iPhone!

[xxoo]

I also find it odd that so many people feel like sex is an entitlement, but not a more equitable division of household chores. Like sex is expected just because you happen to be married, even of one partner does very little to contribute.

 

I think the issue is that people believe no sex is a clearly valid reason for divorce, but non-equitable chores is not. (I'm not agreeing with that--I'm actually not sure what I feel about that....).

 

But refusing sex does seem like a fast track to divorce. While refusing to do chores is more of a slow track to resentment and bigger relationship problems (including no sex).

 

If he is that bad to live with, and you don't want to have sex with him, why do you want to stay married to him? Why aren't you talking about divorce?

[standtall]

Like sex is expected just because you happen to be married, even of one partner does very little to contribute.

 

Only if you want to stay married.

[bean1]

Frootloop, forgive me me for this, as a wife & mom myself it is just as hard to accept, but no sex for a man will absolutely kill the marriage and yes, sex for a husband is an entitlement. There is reasonable boundaries here (childbirth, being sick, ill, occasional tiredness) but there is no man on this planet I am aware of that would accept no sex. We women can hate it all we want, but that does not change reality.

[giotto]

I also find it odd that so many people feel like sex is an entitlement, but not a more equitable division of household chores. Like sex is expected just because you happen to be married, even of one partner does very little to contribute.

 

I agree that it's not an entitlement, but it's important in marriage. You have every right to refuse, but don't expect things to get any better by doing so. If he is lazy and doesn't help, tell him loud and clear. Then, he can take a decision. Since he can get abusive, I would again recommend MC, so you can discuss your problems without the fear of your husband getting angry.

 

There are many men here on LS that do the house chores, look after the kids, cook in the evening and work full time... and still don't get any sex from the wife... In your case, I think your husband deserves it, but he needs to get the message...

[standtall]

Froot,

 

Also, it is the attitude that you seem to have about your situation...that you are utterly blameless and 100% right. Life situations are seldom that way.

I am going to go out on a limb here and say that most likely you do not have a monopoly on perfect marital behavior, yet you are discounting most of the advice given here. It seems that you only want to hear the "you go girl" vindication of your attitude about sex with your thankless husband. It's unfortunate that you're not hearing want you don't want to hear. Some posters here have given you some wonderful suggestions, yet you do not seem open to them. Perhaps you should ask yourself why? IMHO, there is more going on here than just your lack of sex drive. Either way, you are at least partially responsible in getting it back be it a medical reason or otherwise.

Edited May 17, 2012 by standtall

[bean1]

BTW by 'entitlement' I do not mean rape or anything like that, but that there is a reasonable expectation of a sex life and that a spouse is justified in considering divorce if their spouse continually refuses. Of course, in such a situation, it is unlikely that there are not deeper issues leading to it anyways.

[Frootloop]

That's absolutely amazing to me standtall, that someone would expect one spouse to give every piece of himself/herself away if they want to stay married. I don't think I would be willing to always give in to every demand just so I could "stay married." just the state of staying married is not worth giving up your sense of self worth to the point that you are the family work horse while everyone else enjoys downtime.

 

I don't *think* I have something like lupus. What I have is Grave's Disease. Thu do have very similar symptoms though.

[xxoo]

Froot, do you think it is fair to say that "I don't want to have sex with him" equals "I don't want to be married to him"?

[Frootloop]

Okay standtall. I see more what you're saying now. Your last message came in while I was responding I think.

 

I am absolutely not 100% blameless, nor did I ever claim to be. In fact, I clearly said that I am frustrated with my own behavior.

[Frootloop]

Believe me, I do lots of crazy things, and I almost always own up to them

 

I'm really glad I opened this thread. My friends and I have had discussions about this kind of thing, but if course I would only discuss this with my women friends, so this is very interesting to get the male perspective on it.

 

I think a part of me just funds it sad that, as another poster said above, it is an entitlement for men and we should do it no matter how much we hate it. That tells me I am not the only woman out there struggling with this.

[Frootloop]

Also, please don't assume that I'm not going to take any of this advice. I'm planning to try most of it! I'm only just now really admitting that there's a problem and trying to rally some advice about how to handle this.

Edited May 17, 2012 by Frootloop

[Bellechica]

Frootloop, forgive me me for this, as a wife & mom myself it is just as hard to accept, but no sex for a man will absolutely kill the marriage and yes, sex for a husband is an entitlement. There is reasonable boundaries here (childbirth, being sick, ill, occasional tiredness) but there is no man on this planet I am aware of that would accept no sex. We women can hate it all we want, but that does not change reality.

 

There are men that can go without sex....unfortunately.

[Frootloop]

Bellechica, do you think it's possible for men to get hornonally imbalance like women do? Like maybe he's kind of feeling the same things I do, where I'm not trying to be mean, I just don't even think about it 95% of the time.

[woinlove]

Believe me, I do lots of crazy things, and I almost always own up to them

 

I'm really glad I opened this thread. My friends and I have had discussions about this kind of thing, but if course I would only discuss this with my women friends, so this is very interesting to get the male perspective on it.

 

I think a part of me just funds it sad that, as another poster said above, it is an entitlement for men and we should do it no matter how much we hate it. That tells me I am not the only woman out there struggling with this.

 

I think most posters who described it like an entitlement said "if you want to stay married". I think that is the key. Personally, if my H acted like you describe yours acting (temper/not helping/not sharing kid duties/etc) I almost certainly would not stay married unless I clearly saw that things were changing and improving. So, one could say your H should not treat you that way "if he wants to stay married to you". You are putting up with his behavior because you are staying married, for now. At some point, if your H continued his current behavior, you may change your mind and decide not to stay married any more. Some are warning you your H may just be staying married for now if there is no or little sex.

[Bellechica]

Froot, You never answered my questions: 1.you say you married this time for stability. Were you ever "in love" with your H? 2. Did you ever feel super hot for him? 3. What are you planning to do to address the problem?

 

Also, don't you know that your H probably is sick of your excuses and is probably stewing inside with resentment?

 

Yes, there are most likely deeper issues at play here: lack of communication, conflict avoidance, your medical condition, etc. , but if you love and value him, and your M, you'll try very hard to give of yourself and be intimate with him. Don't make him initiate it.

 

Like I said, I'm going through a similar sexual intimacy issue just with the roles reversed, but I know it's not just about the sex. There are deeper issues as well, but I think it's getting so much better. I am connecting with my H more than I have in years, but it's because we are both working hard on it. I had to get the ball rolling, but he recognized we needed to change.

Edited May 17, 2012 by Bellechica

[Frootloop]

Hmmmm. No I don't think I've ever felt "super hot" for him. Maybe during short periods of time, like a month here and there. As far as have I ever been "in love" with him, that's something I'm putting some serious thought into.

 

I think that for now, my plan is to really, really think long and hard about these things. If I don't feel like the desire is coming back ever, does that mean I don't really love him as some people have suggested? I'm just not sure. I think we do need MC to help us through this though. We are very much in a stalemate.

[Bellechica]

Bellechica, do you think it's possible for men to get hornonally imbalance like women do? Like maybe he's kind of feeling the same things I do, where I'm not trying to be mean, I just don't even think about it 95% of the time.

 

There are men with low testosterone levels. I have done some research on it, but I don't think that's my H problem. I've often wondered if he is gay or if he was having an A. I don't think that's the case either. Do you think you're a lesbian? Are you attracted to someone else?

 

I just don't think he thinks sex is that important. He isn't a touchy, physical kind of guy. I think about sex a lot. Maybe I am the one who has the problem.

He told me he feels pressured, so I backed off. Like I said, we do it once every week to three weeks, but it feels awkward with us now. I still want to do it, in fact I want to do it a lot more, but as I said, baby steps.

 

I just think spouses of both genders need to know they're desired and some of us need lots of touching and kissing.

[Bellechica]

Have you ever had sexually fulfilling relationship with anyone?

Yes, you have to really think about how you feel. I think you want to feel passion for him.

[2sunny]

If you need to "think about" whether or not you've been in love with him - then you probably haven't been.

 

It's not something that takes much "thought".

 

And yes, most men marry with the idea that sex is part of the "marital agreement".

 

What is it that you offer to this man that you are married to?

 

Why should he stay if he supports your kids, does housework, and gets little time, attention and sex from you? Those are many men who do go looking for another woman who "makes them feel important, valued and appreciated".

 

What you don't provide - many "other women" willing offer up for men like him who "feel neglected and under appreciated".

[2sunny]

Bellechica, do you think it's possible for men to get hornonally imbalance like women do? Like maybe he's kind of feeling the same things I do, where I'm not trying to be mean, I just don't even think about it 95% of the time.

 

He's more likely "feeling your rejection" and stopped because he's not enjoying feeling rejected by you.

[Frootloop]

Yes I have had sexually fulfilling relationships. I was sexually fulfilled with my husband up until a couple of years ago. This is fairly new thing. I was also married before. I definitely do not like women that way.

[Frootloop]

Whoa....wait just a minute 2sunny.... He does not do housework and that has been my chief complaint throughout this post. I'm not sure where you got that from.

 

Also, as I have also said, more than once, I work to support my children and I get child support for them as well as extra money for them to go to their schools and for their spending money.

 

I think you may be confused with another thread or something. My husband does not spend all his time and attention on my needs, support my children, and do the housework.