Frootloop Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 I'm just wondering if I'm the only married person out there who does not ever want to have sex and it's having a serious impact on my relationship? I see lots of posts where one spouse feels deprived of sex and is trying to figure out how I get it, but I don't see a lot of posts from the other side. I am the mother of three children and work a very demanding full time job. For the last two years, I have been almost angry about my husband expecting to have sex with me. When I get home, all I want is to chill out and go to sleep. The last thing I want to do us expend more energy when I'm exhausted and still have a million things to do. I don't feel like desire is going to come back to me, and I'm not sure how to deal with this. It isn't a simple issue like go on dates or watch some porn, etc. I am honestly overwhelmed and exhausted. I am also having night sweats so I suspect I'm in early menopause, but when I say early, I mean late 30's/early 40's. I just find myself really sympathizing with the spouse who does not want to have sex, like to the point that it makes me angry.
SoMovinOn Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 I got to one point in my M where I didn't have any desire for my W. ... but that was all about her. I can understand you being overwhelmed and exhausted. I suspect it possible your H is not the best at choosing when he'd like to be romantic, which turns you off even more. One of sexiest things a man can do for a woman like you, is to get you some peace and quiet and some time to relax and unwind. Maybe even give you a massage without making you feel it should lead to anything more than you falling peacefully asleep for a bit. There's a lot going on there, more than maybe you imagine... you two might benefit from some couples counseling.
Radu Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 I'm just wondering if I'm the only married person out there who does not ever want to have sex and it's having a serious impact on my relationship? I see lots of posts where one spouse feels deprived of sex and is trying to figure out how I get it, but I don't see a lot of posts from the other side. I am the mother of three children and work a very demanding full time job. For the last two years, I have been almost angry about my husband expecting to have sex with me. When I get home, all I want is to chill out and go to sleep. The last thing I want to do us expend more energy when I'm exhausted and still have a million things to do. I don't feel like desire is going to come back to me, and I'm not sure how to deal with this. It isn't a simple issue like go on dates or watch some porn, etc. I am honestly overwhelmed and exhausted. I am also having night sweats so I suspect I'm in early menopause, but when I say early, I mean late 30's/early 40's. I just find myself really sympathizing with the spouse who does not want to have sex, like to the point that it makes me angry. Have you tried telling him this ? Especially the part where you feel exhausted and his desire for sex is starting to create negative feelings inside of you.
trinity1 Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 Some people just have lower libidos, and it's very unfortunate when the couple's libidos are incompatible. I can tell you it's very hard on the person with the higher libido too. Has it always been like this? When did it get like this? I believe some women's libidos settle down once "they got the man". Truly I don't know if there is anything to do about this. Accept it or move on to a more compatible partner for both of you.
MissBee Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 (edited) I don't think libidos or compatibility have anything to do with this... It seems, as you've said FrootLoop, that you're exhausted and overwhelmed, and probably resenting your husband because he's not trying to alleviate any of this but expecting sex nonetheless. A lot of men don't realize that if they'd help their wives out more, then she'd have more time to feel like a woman and not a mommy/wife/homemaker robot...and would have more TIME and desire for sex. As women, most of us need the mood set so to speak, that is, we're more likely to be in that mood if our partner is supportive, is romantic, is considerate, is showing us we're important, they care about us and they want to also express it through sex. Most of us do not respond well to feeling like we're supposed to be an on-demand sex toy whose feelings aren't taken into consideration....and I imagine if you're overwhelmed and tired and your man's response isn't to give you a weekend without the kids, or set up a baby sitter, or cook dinner and clean up sometimes so you have some time, but is instead to ask you to cook him dinner, bring him the remote and spread eagle...you most likely will have NO desire to do so. It is easy to have sex and to have a high libido when kids and other duties aren't in the way and when you're not overwhelmed and exhausted. It seems as though the root isn't that you simply dislike sex, but that you also aren't feeling your husband right now because he's not doing much to help you. I think you guys should address this as a start. I think without your exhaustion, without being overwhelmed and your husband doing more to show you love, to support you, help out, and be romantic you'd feel differently. Edited May 16, 2012 by MissBee 2
giotto Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 (edited) I'm just wondering if I'm the only married person out there who does not ever want to have sex and it's having a serious impact on my relationship? I see lots of posts where one spouse feels deprived of sex and is trying to figure out how I get it, but I don't see a lot of posts from the other side. I am the mother of three children and work a very demanding full time job. For the last two years, I have been almost angry about my husband expecting to have sex with me. When I get home, all I want is to chill out and go to sleep. The last thing I want to do us expend more energy when I'm exhausted and still have a million things to do. I don't feel like desire is going to come back to me, and I'm not sure how to deal with this. It isn't a simple issue like go on dates or watch some porn, etc. I am honestly overwhelmed and exhausted. I am also having night sweats so I suspect I'm in early menopause, but when I say early, I mean late 30's/early 40's. I just find myself really sympathizing with the spouse who does not want to have sex, like to the point that it makes me angry. yes, my wife... some time ago she proposed a sexless marriage, because other couples of our age (late forties) don't have sex anymore... I understand she has no desire, but unfortunately being married implies sex. I have seen you comment in another thread. I don't think your situation will ever change and the only option in these cases is divorce, because you would be giving your husband pity sex (even if he would help more around the house or with the kids). Or maybe you can allow him to have sex outside the marriage. Personally, because of my kids, after evaluating a separation or divorce, I decided to stay. Sex is once a month and it takes 5 minutes. It's ok, not great. I'm thinking of giving it up altogether. You should have a frank discussion with your husband and work out a solution. In my case, I had to give in. But at least it's a personal choice now, so I don't feel someone else is dictating my life. Edited May 16, 2012 by giotto
woinlove Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 I'm just wondering if I'm the only married person out there who does not ever want to have sex and it's having a serious impact on my relationship? I see lots of posts where one spouse feels deprived of sex and is trying to figure out how I get it, but I don't see a lot of posts from the other side. I am the mother of three children and work a very demanding full time job. For the last two years, I have been almost angry about my husband expecting to have sex with me. When I get home, all I want is to chill out and go to sleep. The last thing I want to do us expend more energy when I'm exhausted and still have a million things to do. I don't feel like desire is going to come back to me, and I'm not sure how to deal with this. It isn't a simple issue like go on dates or watch some porn, etc. I am honestly overwhelmed and exhausted. I am also having night sweats so I suspect I'm in early menopause, but when I say early, I mean late 30's/early 40's. I just find myself really sympathizing with the spouse who does not want to have sex, like to the point that it makes me angry. How much cooking, cleaning, childcare, laundry, etc. does your H do? Studies find the more this is shared equally, the higher the intimacy and the more sex the couple have. If it mostly falls on the W, it is partly a matter of being exhausted and it is partly a matter of not being fully appreciated, not truly sharing, or operating as a team supporting each other.
xxoo Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 I am the mother of three children and work a very demanding full time job. For the last two years, I have been almost angry about my husband expecting to have sex with me. When I get home, all I want is to chill out and go to sleep. The last thing I want to do us expend more energy when I'm exhausted and still have a million things to do. Your husband is also the father of three children. Does he work a similarly demanding job? Does he need to step up his share of the parenting and housework? I'm a high drive person, and sex is chilling out for me. I always sleep easier and better after an orgasm. Your husband may feel much the same as you--overworked, overstressed--and is being denied his best way of relaxing and connecting with you: sex. If so, that is going to affect how well he functions in the relationship overall, possibly resulting in him being less caring and helpful. It is a vicious circle. When you do have sex, is it pleasurable for you? Does it make you feel close to him, loved, and relaxed? If not, why not? Is he inconsiderate in bed? Lastly, do you make time for exercise? My H was "too tired" more often before he started exercising regularly. Taking 45 minutes to yourself to exercise (leave the kids and housework with your H!) may actually boost your energy, and your sex drive. 1
Author Frootloop Posted May 16, 2012 Author Posted May 16, 2012 Yeah a lot of this makes total sense. Thanks for responding. My husband and I have been married for about ten years, and it's been the last two that I have felt this way. We have had constant, recurring arguments about the division of labor in our house. Another huge problem we have is that we work opposing schedules. I work all day and then come home and care for the children and get them to practices etc. he works until the middle of the night and then comes home and watches tv until he falls asleep. This has been a major source of friction for us. When we do have time together, I need some emotional bonding before I can even think physically because our schedules are so awful that we are very disconnected throughout the week. Also, two of my children are teenagers from a previous marriage. He's been great to them, but with them being teenagers, most of the heavy lifting is on me with the two of them. Ido have their fathers extreme support, but he often is out of town all week. Since my ex is out of town and my husband works odd hours, I very much feel alone with the kids and like a single parent.
Author Frootloop Posted May 16, 2012 Author Posted May 16, 2012 Sorry I forgot one...yes I enjoy sex when I do have it, but it just never seems to be enough for me to want to do it again! I'm very frustrate with myself because I cannot figure out why it seems like such a chore for me.
hotgurl Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 Sorry I forgot one...yes I enjoy sex when I do have it, but it just never seems to be enough for me to want to do it again! I'm very frustrate with myself because I cannot figure out why it seems like such a chore for me. Have you gone to your gyno? If you are premetapausal your hormones could be out of wack. BTW does your husband help around the house? What is his day like?
hotgurl Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 Yeah a lot of this makes total sense. Thanks for responding. My husband and I have been married for about ten years, and it's been the last two that I have felt this way. We have had constant, recurring arguments about the division of labor in our house. Another huge problem we have is that we work opposing schedules. I work all day and then come home and care for the children and get them to practices etc. he works until the middle of the night and then comes home and watches tv until he falls asleep. This has been a major source of friction for us. When we do have time together, I need some emotional bonding before I can even think physically because our schedules are so awful that we are very disconnected throughout the week. Also, two of my children are teenagers from a previous marriage. He's been great to them, but with them being teenagers, most of the heavy lifting is on me with the two of them. Ido have their fathers extreme support, but he often is out of town all week. Since my ex is out of town and my husband works odd hours, I very much feel alone with the kids and like a single parent. Well that is tough. Very tough. I sounds lke you have somebuilt up resentment. But honestly. What can your husband do in the middle of the night when he comes home? It is not like he can run a vacuum, clean etc... He'd wake everyone up. Plus with the parenting of the two older kids it is unrealistic to expect him to do the heavy lifting they have a dad already. He can be support. but not the primary. Can you get a housekeeper? to help with the chores. Labor in a house will never be perfectly equal. Have you talked to him about how your are feeling? What does he day? 1
shayla Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 Some help at home could go a long way in helping with your exhaustion. Getting out of the house for a nice massage could be relaxing. If you are in peri menopause, that may be a reason for the way you feel, but more than likely it's from being overwhelmed and exhausted. If your husband isn't around to help you, perhaps he can spring for some housekeeping service, maybe you can try to get women you know to swap some of the running the kids around, anything to get some help with all that heavy lifting. Good luck!
xxoo Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 When we do have time together, I need some emotional bonding before I can even think physically because our schedules are so awful that we are very disconnected throughout the week. THat is a big factor, right there. If, when you finally have time together, you spend it arguing over housework and sex.....you'll only grow more distant. This can be turned around, but it is going to take good-faith effort from both of you. For instance, he could commit to doing certain chores during the day (when you are at work), so that you can relax when you finally get home. You could commit to letting some of the housework go (esp if he did what he committed to doing) and relaxing when you finally get home from running the kids around. He has dinner ready for you, and you give him an hour cuddling on the couch not talking about housework and kids before bed. And then see what your mood is....
woinlove Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 (edited) Yeah a lot of this makes total sense. Thanks for responding. My husband and I have been married for about ten years, and it's been the last two that I have felt this way. We have had constant, recurring arguments about the division of labor in our house. Another huge problem we have is that we work opposing schedules. I work all day and then come home and care for the children and get them to practices etc. he works until the middle of the night and then comes home and watches tv until he falls asleep. This has been a major source of friction for us. When we do have time together, I need some emotional bonding before I can even think physically because our schedules are so awful that we are very disconnected throughout the week. Also, two of my children are teenagers from a previous marriage. He's been great to them, but with them being teenagers, most of the heavy lifting is on me with the two of them. Ido have their fathers extreme support, but he often is out of town all week. Since my ex is out of town and my husband works odd hours, I very much feel alone with the kids and like a single parent. Reading this makes me think this is your answer. My M isn't anything like this and I love sex and we have a lot of it, but I wonder how much sex I'd want under the conditions you describe. We share parenting, share household stuff, cook together, dance and play together and, yes, have sex. Remove too many of the other things, and I'm sure our sex lives would suffer too. Add in resentment, I can see why you don't want sex. While communication between the two of you may work -- that is, you trying to explain how you feel like a single parent and responsible for most of the chores, and there is so little connect time, and your H communicating his feelings -- sounds like MC could be useful if you already have been arguing over some of these things. A good MC could help you resolve this issue, which strikes me as one where you could both change, him by putting more effort into you and family life with you and you into giving sex a higher priority. If both of these grew up together, you'd both be seeing positive changes which should help establish new patterns. The different work schedules is a drag and maybe you should look longer-term with a plan to getting out of that mode. Short term, maybe with some creativity, you could find more couple time. Edited May 16, 2012 by woinlove
standtall Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 I'm just wondering if I'm the only married person out there who does not ever want to have sex and it's having a serious impact on my relationship? No. Futhermore, usually a poster starts a thread like this in the marriage section, and then starts another thread in the separation and divorce section some time later. Good luck keeping a man around in a marriage with no sex.
Author Frootloop Posted May 16, 2012 Author Posted May 16, 2012 These are all excellent suggestions. I totally agree that he cannot do housework at night whole everyone is sleeping. What I've told him in the past about this is that maybe he could get up after 8 hours of sleep and do some stuff during the day instead of sleeping until its time for him to jump up and get ready for work. It's hard to talk about all this with him too often because he uses an awful temper to control the conversation. He's not physically violent toward people, but of the argument gets too heated, he's probably going to flip out. Since I grew up in a violent household, I go into panic mode when he starts acting out with his temper, so a lot of the time I end up letting it go.
woinlove Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 These are all excellent suggestions. I totally agree that he cannot do housework at night whole everyone is sleeping. What I've told him in the past about this is that maybe he could get up after 8 hours of sleep and do some stuff during the day instead of sleeping until its time for him to jump up and get ready for work. It's hard to talk about all this with him too often because he uses an awful temper to control the conversation. He's not physically violent toward people, but of the argument gets too heated, he's probably going to flip out. Since I grew up in a violent household, I go into panic mode when he starts acting out with his temper, so a lot of the time I end up letting it go. So it sounds like you two can't communicate effectively if you worry about his temper. What do you think about MC? Do you think your H would agree, if you wanted to go? From what you write, your M sounds quite vulnerable.
Author Frootloop Posted May 16, 2012 Author Posted May 16, 2012 I think that maybe he would agree that we need counseling, but he would also balk at the cost of it with 2 kids in private school and one about to start college. This is just one tangled up mess. It is a viscous cycle where we never see each other, so nothing ever gets resolved, so I don't want to be physical with him, so we fight, and then the whole thing repeats. He doesn't seem to get it that I don't establish a connection through sex, I have sex when I feel a connection.
giotto Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 given the information you've just given, MC is definitely the way to go...
xxoo Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 I think that maybe he would agree that we need counseling, but he would also balk at the cost of it with 2 kids in private school and one about to start college. This is just one tangled up mess. It is a viscous cycle where we never see each other, so nothing ever gets resolved, so I don't want to be physical with him, so we fight, and then the whole thing repeats. He doesn't seem to get it that I don't establish a connection through sex, I have sex when I feel a connection. I agree that counseling would be helpful. Tell him that you want to go to counseling so that you can communicate better and get back to the loving, sexual relationship you had until a few years ago.
woinlove Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 I agree that counseling would be helpful. Tell him that you want to go to counseling so that you can communicate better and get back to the loving, sexual relationship you had until a few years ago. Agree. And, as for the cost, I think you two should put a very high priority on this. Having a supportive, loving and sexual M, not only makes you feel good, it can make you live longer and healthier.
Bellechica Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 Frootloop, withholding sex is cruel and can really make your H question your love for him. My H and I have mismatched libidos, and it was and still is a big issue. In our case I'm the one who wants more sex, actually more touching of any kind. My H isn't my brother, he suppose to be my lover too. I will admit to you that I strayed twice, not just for sex, but for intimacy. You can say you're tired or that you feel pressured, I've heard that all before, but physical intimacy is a NEED for most healthy people. The longer you go with out it, the more awkward it is to address. It's the elephant in the room. I haven't been able to discuss everything I should with my H because I'm scared, and I don't want to hurt his ego and make our situation worse. We are taking baby steps and we have sex once a week to sometimes once every three weeks. We have gone a year without being intimate with each other, but I was having an A. I don't say this to scare you, but it is a serious problem. Has your H started drinking or doing anything to cope with the lack of intimacy?
bean1 Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 I think it's worth considering a career change for one or both of you. Downsizing, selling things, etc. You can't expect this to continue and for your marriage to not fail. 1
giotto Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 given the information you've just given, MC is definitely the way to go... I apologise for the less than ideal use of Shakespeare's language...
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