Desensitized Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 I'm thinking about doing this. It's been about 2 years since me and my ex-fiancee split and not a day goes by where I don't think of her. It's gotten to the point where I don't want to think about her anymore because every day my energy seems to be getting sapped by this. I just don't know what to do, I've talked to my therapist numerous times about my past and I exercise/keep myself busy to not think about her but it's just no use. I've dated other people but I can't give them my full attention because I'm not truly happy. I've had such a cynical outlook on life ever since we split, and it gives me a headache . I've tried talking to her but she told me she doesn't talk to me because I 'haunt' her... I've accepted she doesn't want to talk to me ever again so I'm just desperately trying to move on with my life. But it's hard because I think about her at least once a day. I just don't know how else to let go of this besides writing a book about it.
dasein Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 Get out there and find another woman, spend time you would have spent writing on that. Writing a book will just entrench the obsession further. Good luck. 1
FitChick Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 Writing can be very cathartic. Women have inspired works of art, literature and music. Eric Clapton made a lot of money out of his doomed relationship and marriage to Patti Boyd Harrison. Ever heard of Layla?
wildgeese Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 I think it's a great idea, as long as you do not turn her into this glorified fictitious version of herself and ultimately prolong your suffering. Henry Miller was a wise man.
LittlePrince Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 I'm thinking about doing this. It's been about 2 years since me and my ex-fiancee split and not a day goes by where I don't think of her. It's gotten to the point where I don't want to think about her anymore because every day my energy seems to be getting sapped by this. I just don't know what to do, I've talked to my therapist numerous times about my past and I exercise/keep myself busy to not think about her but it's just no use. I've dated other people but I can't give them my full attention because I'm not truly happy. I've had such a cynical outlook on life ever since we split, and it gives me a headache . I've tried talking to her but she told me she doesn't talk to me because I 'haunt' her... I've accepted she doesn't want to talk to me ever again so I'm just desperately trying to move on with my life. But it's hard because I think about her at least once a day. I just don't know how else to let go of this besides writing a book about it. You won't get over her until a very significant amount of time has passed or you can find someone else to fall in love with which will be rare. Either way you never really get over a person you loved which is why women have such an easy time coping and truly moving on.
FitChick Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 Either way you never really get over a person you loved which is why women have such an easy time coping and truly moving on. Many women, including myself, wish that were true. 2
Author Desensitized Posted May 16, 2012 Author Posted May 16, 2012 Get out there and find another woman, spend time you would have spent writing on that. Writing a book will just entrench the obsession further. Good luck. Lol. You won't believe for how long I've been trying to do just that! It doesn't work. When I look, I look in the wrong places apparently. So, either way, I'm out of luck. And it doesn't seem to be the places I'm going, either. I try to meet women at the hospital I volunteer at, at uni, when I'm running, social gatherings, etc. At this point, I'm not really interested in finding someone. I don't believe in fate, so I don't think I'll just someday magically meet the girl of my dreams, but if it does, it'll probably be by luck and coincidence. Writing can be very cathartic. Women have inspired works of art, literature and music. Eric Clapton made a lot of money out of his doomed relationship and marriage to Patti Boyd Harrison. Ever heard of Layla? I have not heard of Layla. But hey, if I do go through with writing a book, do you think I should change her name when I'm writing? I think it's a great idea, as long as you do not turn her into this glorified fictitious version of herself and ultimately prolong your suffering. Henry Miller was a wise man. You won't get over her until a very significant amount of time has passed or you can find someone else to fall in love with which will be rare. Either way you never really get over a person you loved which is why women have such an easy time coping and truly moving on. You know, while I have noticed this, it's probably not true for all women. I know my ex was this type of girl, though. Never knew how they could seem completely devoted and complete "in-love" with the new guy. It just blows my mind.
6ft180natl Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 I'm thinking about doing this. It's been about 2 years since me and my ex-fiancee split and not a day goes by where I don't think of her. It's gotten to the point where I don't want to think about her anymore because every day my energy seems to be getting sapped by this. I just don't know what to do, I've talked to my therapist numerous times about my past and I exercise/keep myself busy to not think about her but it's just no use. I've dated other people but I can't give them my full attention because I'm not truly happy. I've had such a cynical outlook on life ever since we split, and it gives me a headache . I've tried talking to her but she told me she doesn't talk to me because I 'haunt' her... I've accepted she doesn't want to talk to me ever again so I'm just desperately trying to move on with my life. But it's hard because I think about her at least once a day. I just don't know how else to let go of this besides writing a book about it. I broke up with a long term girlfriend maybe 2 years or so ago too. I don't think writing a book about her is a good idea. The more you think about her the longer and harder your recovery will be. Try distracting yourself quickly when you do think about her and not allowing yourself to finish the thoughts and occupy your time with something that makes you happy. Finding and falling in love with someone else is the quickest way to get over someone but at the same time you may be trading one problem for another with that method and also might project your feelings for your ex on your new love.....but it does work.
Pierre Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 I've tried talking to her but she told me she doesn't talk to me because I 'haunt' her... I've accepted she doesn't want to talk to me ever again so I'm just desperately trying to move on with my life. But it's hard because I think about her at least once a day. I just don't know how else to let go of this besides writing a book about it. Your problem is addiction. Being in love is like being addicted to a powerful drug. I suspect she left you when you were deeply in love and hence the addiction symptoms are high. It is clear that you have fallen into a pattern of obsession and you probably have old emails, photos, presents, etc that you cherish. You also try to talk to her. What you are doing is counterproductive. Imagine you were an alcoholic and you wanted to start a distillery and winery to cure your alcoholism. Imagine that you surrounded yourself with bottles of liquor to treat your alcoholism. The way you treat the end of a relationship is with absolute NC. You have never been in absolute NC. Writing a book about it is the opposite of NC.
FrustratedStandards Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 DO IT! I think that's a beautiful idea. Writing has a way of getting things out of your system like nothing else.
FrustratedStandards Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 The way you treat the end of a relationship is with absolute NC. You have never been in absolute NC. Writing a book about it is the opposite of NC. I disagree. Writing about it will get her out of his system without having to contact her for it. He can vent, he can write fantasies about arguments and things he would wish he said. In a strange way, writing a book satisfies a fantasy that you always had in your head. He will be thinking about her regardless, so he might as well put that energy into a book. Once it's out of his system, he will feel better for it.
Author Desensitized Posted May 16, 2012 Author Posted May 16, 2012 Your problem is addiction. Being in love is like being addicted to a powerful drug. I suspect she left you when you were deeply in love and hence the addiction symptoms are high. It is clear that you have fallen into a pattern of obsession and you probably have old emails, photos, presents, etc that you cherish. You also try to talk to her. What you are doing is counterproductive. Imagine you were an alcoholic and you wanted to start a distillery and winery to cure your alcoholism. Imagine that you surrounded yourself with bottles of liquor to treat your alcoholism. The way you treat the end of a relationship is with absolute NC. You have never been in absolute NC. Writing a book about it is the opposite of NC.This is sadly true... I'm amazed at how you accurately knew that. Not that it matters, but regarding the leaving part, I left first. However, we were so off and on that she was the one to do the final leaving. I do have old emails, photos, presents, and videos. I've gotten rid of some, and I want to get rid of all of it, but I'm afraid that I'll end up regretting tossing everything . I did try talking to her the other day. It's just no use. She's absolute NC, which is what she should be doing. Me on the other hand am quite pathetic and keep breaking it. I don't even get down about breaking NC anymore which is the bad part. What do you suggest I do? I know you're not a therapist but have tried talking to my therapist about this.
Pierre Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 This is sadly true... I'm amazed at how you accurately knew that. Not that it matters, but regarding the leaving part, I left first. However, we were so off and on that she was the one to do the final leaving. I do have old emails, photos, presents, and videos. I've gotten rid of some, and I want to get rid of all of it, but I'm afraid that I'll end up regretting tossing everything . I did try talking to her the other day. It's just no use. She's absolute NC, which is what she should be doing. Me on the other hand am quite pathetic and keep breaking it. I don't even get down about breaking NC anymore which is the bad part. What do you suggest I do? I know you're not a therapist but have tried talking to my therapist about this. Every time you break NC you go back to square one. Furthermore looking at old memorabilia (as you do) is a form of contact and breaking NC. True NC means zero communication and no reading of old emails or looking at photos. Imagine an alcoholic trying to cure his alcoholism by collecting bottles of liquor. It does not work that way. Your only way out is absolute NC. The problem is that you start and stop and never get to the other end of the tunnel.
MaxNoob Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 I disagree. Writing about it will get her out of his system without having to contact her for it. He can vent, he can write fantasies about arguments and things he would wish he said. This would be appropriate advice for a relationship that ended 2 weeks ago. Yes, you need to vent, to think about it, to process and accept what happened. But after 2 years, he's already done all the mental processing he could possibly do; writing it down will not get it out of his system; this is just about feeding the addiction. Bob Dylan's lyrics come to mind: "every day your memory grows dimmer, it doesn't haunt me like it used to." That's how NC works. If I just looked at a picture of my ex, it would hit me like a sledgehammer and I'd have to start all over again. I shouldn't even be posting in this thread as it's starting to trigger my own memories.
LittlePrince Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 Many women, including myself, wish that were true. A few years ago I saw a study that showed they do but you can't really call it coping when you don't feel anything to begin with.
FrustratedStandards Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 This would be appropriate advice for a relationship that ended 2 weeks ago. Yes, you need to vent, to think about it, to process and accept what happened. But after 2 years, he's already done all the mental processing he could possibly do; writing it down will not get it out of his system; this is just about feeding the addiction. Hmm...perhaps you're right. But better to be addicted to writing about someone then addicted to THEM (contacting her, looking through pictures etc). I honestly don't think that writing about it would instigate anything more than what he is already doing. OP, why do you want to write this book? What do you feel you will accomplish when you finish it?
bean1 Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 The problem with 2 years down the line is that people always forget the bad and can only focus on the good. The OP & her broke up multiple times, obviously it wasn't the right match, but the longer he goes on and thinks about her, writes about her, pours it out for her, the more he forgets about the bad and that becomes a fantasy/reminiscing about what you want that person to be, not necessarily who they were. And I have to wonder if this is already happening for the OP as he is clearly struggling to move on, I'm not sure pouring even more energy into something that could have been, but never had been, is going to be helpful.
Author Desensitized Posted May 16, 2012 Author Posted May 16, 2012 (edited) OP, why do you want to write this book? What do you feel you will accomplish when you finish it? For release, I get to say/do a lot of things I wish I would have done in the book, I get to let her know that it wasn't meant to go down the way things went down, and I have the potential to let her see that I always meant well. It was just bad timing, conflicting morals, and my lack of understanding of her disorder that got in our way. And my lack of maturity back then, I guess. That's questionable. The problem with 2 years down the line is that people always forget the bad and can only focus on the good. That's very true. But I still remember all the bad like it was yesterday. I have no idea why it's not enough for me to just look the other way and forget this all ever happened. and that becomes a fantasy/reminiscing about what you want that person to be, not necessarily who they were. Yeah, this is precisely what happened since day 1. I fell in-love with the fantasy that I made her out to be; every day, she was wanting to live up to that fantasy. She just couldn't. Edited May 16, 2012 by Desensitized
Pierre Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 For release, I get to say/do a lot of things I wish I would have done in the book, I get to let her know that it wasn't meant to go down the way things went down, and I have the potential to let her see that I always meant well. It was just bad timing, conflicting morals, and my lack of understanding Dude: It seems you broke up two weeks ago instead of two years. Somehow, you are really stuck and at this rate your withdrawal from the relationship may last a few more years. I truly believe you need to go into hermetic NC. Writing a book is breaking NC big time. It sounds like an alcoholic in abstinence who thinks he can hang out in the bar every night and not drink. That is not how you treat an addiction and you are highly addicted to your ex.
Author Desensitized Posted May 16, 2012 Author Posted May 16, 2012 Dude: It seems you broke up two weeks ago instead of two years. Somehow, you are really stuck and at this rate your withdrawal from the relationship may last a few more years. I truly believe you need to go into hermetic NC. Writing a book is breaking NC big time. It sounds like an alcoholic in abstinence who thinks he can hang out in the bar every night and not drink. That is not how you treat an addiction and you are highly addicted to your ex. Alright. Do you suggest deleting absolutely everything she ever gave me, pictures, and videos? I mean, I stored them away, but do you think I should toss my stored stuff too?
FitChick Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 I have not heard of Layla. It is one of rock'n'roll's greatest tragic love stories and songs. Listen and learn! Story of their relationship. I always get chills no matter how often I hear that song. That man has the most beautiful hands.
hiimgerman Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 Writing can be very cathartic. Women have inspired works of art, literature and music. Eric Clapton made a lot of money out of his doomed relationship and marriage to Patti Boyd Harrison. Ever heard of Layla? I agree. Layla is awesome and Clapton is god.
mortensorchid Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 DO IT!!! It's great therapy. And it makes people angry too. It's so PUNK ROCK!!!
Author Desensitized Posted May 19, 2012 Author Posted May 19, 2012 Hey guys, I just wanted to say thank you for putting in your input. However, last night, I had a dream. It was a dream involving my ex-fiancee and she was pregnant. My friend and I were at a store and he told me that he saw her inside. Me, not being over her, decided to go into the store to check if she was pregnant. Well, it turns out she was. I went up to her to give her a hug but she just shrugged it off and walked away. For whatever reason, my friend got mad that she did this and was being rude to her. I told him to stop being rude and she walked away and disappeared. From what I've gathered, this is a sign that things are really over and there is no turning back. Ever. I don't usually believe in dreams having significant value, but in this case, I think the dream holds weight. In a way, it was a sad, but liberating dream. I know that things are over between us and I just have to accept that. I believe this dream will help break the addiction I have towards my ex. With all that said, I am not writing the book, I am just going to try to move on.
El Brujo Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 I actually did this 7 years ago to some troll woman who started a public ridicule campaign against me for being a virgin and knowing what I want. Today nobody takes her seriously...
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